# I don't know why this is even an issue. Steel my resolve, please? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 5, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364 "2009-05-05T00:22:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/1 "2009-05-05T00:22:28Z")
So my husband was abroad most of last year. I love my husband, and am attracted to him in both mind and in body, and am very clear on how lucky I am to have him, in sixteen or twenty or more ways. However. While he was gone, I got involved in a community artistic endeavor, with my husband’s endorsement, as something to keep social with, something to keep me from getting all withdrawn and stuff, which is a tendency of mine. I met a large personality there: a man quite a bit older than I am; not physically attractive, not at all impressive in intellect, but compelling in personality and maybe you could say hubris. Not that this fellow has a personality MORE attractive than my husband has; the fellow was just present in my personal absence. This fellow noticed me and said flattering things to me and generally inflated my ego. I told myself it didn’t much matter as this fellow is in the habit of flattering anything with two X chromosomes. Then this fellow took it a step or two further: he managed to not just hug me on seeing me, but also give me a kiss, and that kiss started aiming not for the cheek but for the lips, and after several months there was even tongue. I didn’t rebuff him the way I probably should have. I was flattered. I like men. I was pretty delighted that this fellow thought I was sexy ‘n’ stuff (me having got to the upper limit of “not technically overweight” in the last few years). I saw the error of my ways after the second tongue-kiss and told the fellow to cut it out already. My husband came back a few months later. This fellow hasn’t completely stopped hinting that he likes me in the community artistic events since, which my husband is aware of, and my husband has opined several times that he’d “have words” with the fellow if it wasn’t so abundantly clear that the fellow was a bit clueless, if only to protect me and keep me from obnoxious idiots. No worries here. The fellow took off on his own and had affairs with various women nearer his own age. The affairs ended. He also encountered employment difficulties, only partially due to his own cussedness. Now he is unemployed, ardently seeking work, forced out of his apartment. He found a new place to live with a friend. It turns out (fuckin’ cruel fate!) his friend’s house is the one most visible to my home office’s window, across the street via the back yard. I can’t help but see him, shirtless, all a-belly-wobbling, doing yard work _right now_. Right above my monitor, out the window. I can’t quite believe it, but there he is. My husband and I have some issues. Most prominently, I want to have children, and he is afraid to do that, and I will turn 40 in a few months, and the decision will be taken out of my hands when I hit menopause. Even if I conceive tonight, there will be lots of danger regarding birth defects with such an old mum. I honestly think my husband wants to have kids… but he’s paralyzed by current events (and his non-earning status at the moment, which matters to him all out of proportion to reality). Sane people all, please tell me, please remind me, there is NO GOOD COULD COME of me going to walk the dog over by where that belly-wobbling yard work is taking place. Husband is out teaching. I do love my husband. I don’t want to get involved in a meaningless affair. I don’t! I really don’t! I know this! Why am I even contemplating anything like it? help ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/2 "2009-05-05T00:27:29Z")
Put blinds/curtains on the window. You need to remove yourself from temptation. When you see him, remember your husband. /advice from someone who hasn’t even had a girlfriend in seven years, let alone a spouse ever ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/3 "2009-05-05T00:28:48Z")
Curtains aweigh. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/4 "2009-05-05T00:42:47Z")
Get thee to a counselor and talk this out. I can’t follow your logic: you aren’t attracted to Ole Wobbly Guts, but would use him as (esentially) a sperm donor? And what would you do then? Have your husband raise the child as his own? 😕 Seriously, this is a lot deeper than you just want some flattering attention. Either talk to hubby AND talk to a counselor or take husband with you to the counselor. Whatever you do, don’t talk to Ole Wobbly Guts. Ew. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/5 "2009-05-05T01:00:46Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Get thee to a counselor and talk this out. I can’t follow your logic: you aren’t attracted to Ole Wobbly Guts, but would use him as (esentially) a sperm donor? And what would you do then? Have your husband raise the child as his own? 😕 Seriously, this is a lot deeper than you just want some flattering attention. Either talk to hubby AND talk to a counselor or take husband with you to the counselor. What, you’re applying LOGIC? No logic here. And yes, we do need to get us to a counselor. We do know that. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > Whatever you do, don’t talk to Ole Wobbly Guts. Yeah. OK. Going to bed now, with curtains all a-closed. Yummy hubby expected within the hour. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > Ew. Yeah. Which is why I’m appealing to y’all to give me some logic! I KNOW it’s… ew. I know. It IS. Ew! I know. So… thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/6 "2009-05-05T01:09:44Z")
Serious, serious ew. No, no, no. He’s old, not attractive, unemployed, flirts with anything with a cookie, and put his old tongue in your mouth! Girl, that should keep you away. Also, blinds and curtains. **Eleanorigby** ’s therapy advice is stellar. You don’t want to have to hear your husband quoting Adam Sandler from _Big Daddy_ someday, do you? (see below) _"Hey! You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby. I know you’re gonna be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on you with his loose skin and old balls… gross! "_ ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/7 "2009-05-05T01:22:50Z")
Essentially. ESSENTIALLY. I apologize for the spelling error. And still, ew. \ ---
**Author:** ![Mongo\_Ponton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Mongo\_Ponton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mongo_Ponton)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/8 "2009-05-05T03:49:11Z")
Oh he’s attractive all right. Just not in any good way. Have your husband nail a sheet of plywood over the window. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/9 "2009-05-05T04:02:00Z")
If curtains and ignoring him don’t work concentrate on all his disgustingness. Think about his fat gut slapping on one of the women he’s seduced. Think about his slimy tongue in others mouths. Think of the specific person he’s been with. Think of all the diseases he probably has picked up in his life because for sure he’s a player and has been one his whole adult like. Is it really likely that he doesn’t have herpes or warts? Not really. Totally amplify anything he does that you don’t like. Think about getting caught. Been there, done that. Make yourself disgusted by him. It doesn’t sound like it would be too hard. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/10 "2009-05-05T05:56:09Z")
The good folks here seem to have mostly overlooked the core issue here, which is that old marital favourite “she wants kids and he doesn’t but he daren’t say so outright so says the time isn’t right just yet”, to be continued until her biological alarm clock runs down. How much do you want kids? Enough to either talk your husband into it or leave him for someone who does? Or not? If it came to choosing your husband as he is and no kids, or taking your chances out there one more time (obviously not with the Great White Whale), which way would you go? Frankly, if your estimation of your husband’s attitude it right, it might be time for The Talk: what’s it to be, sweetheart? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/11 "2009-05-05T06:08:40Z")
We need a facepalm emoticon for situations like this. Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Arglefraster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Arglefraster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arglefraster)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/12 "2009-05-05T13:04:09Z")
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. With mine though, the guy was reaonably cute, but kind of a pushy jerk, and we didn’t have much in common. I felt the same mix of temptation and “why the hell am I even interested in him?” My theory (at least in my case) is it’s not so much being interested in the other guy, as it is just craving change. The other guy just happened to be there when your brain decided you wanted something new and different. I think no matter how happy someone is with their spouse/partner, every now and then a part of you wants to “shake things up”. I indulged in a bit of flirting, but then realized that that wasn’t doing anyone involved (me, my husband, or the other guy) any favors, and broke off contact with the other guy. As far as the kids thing goes. If you think he really does want kids and just doesn’t feel “ready” yet, maybe just try to emphasize with him how important it is to you, and the fact that you feel time is running out. If you do go to counseling, though, they would be able to give you better advice on that than I could. ---
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/13 "2009-05-05T13:44:38Z")
If some old guy that you don’t even seem to like all that much is a temptation to you, do you really think your marriage is sound enough that you should be contemplating children at all? So far you have a minor problem keeping other men’s tongues out of your mouth and you’re contemplating an affair with some guy you seem to find almost repulsive in order to I guess cuckold your husband? If I were with somebody with these issues, even if everything else was in order, I’d be pretty wary of bringing children into the mix too. I’d suggest finding out what your husband really wants. You say you honestly think your husband wants kids, but are you sure? You need to find that out from him directly and make sure you’re not projecting your own wants. His ‘maybe someday’ might mean ‘probably not’ to him, but you’re hearing ‘probably so’ instead. If your positions differ on this you’re going to have a hard decision to make. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/14 "2009-05-05T14:04:11Z")
Re the kids thing: yes, that’s a major issue we know we need to get counseling for. We’ve talked about it many times. **Askance** , after soul searching, I’ve realized I’d rather stay with my husband even if it means no kids. He \*says \*he does want them, though, and as far as I know, he isn’t prone to lying; rather the opposite. Re what the hell my brain was thinking: On reflection I think a big part of the problem is that I didn’t initially think flirting with this fellow could POSSIBLY go anywhere. My background is in theater, and I lived a decade on Capital Hill in Seattle, both of which meant my social circle included a high proportion of flamboyantly gay men. It was normal for them to “flirt” extravagantly with women friends, and for us women to flirt back, everybody knowing full well it was a game; like shooting the dozens with somebody doesn’t actually mean you disrespect his mom. Ol’ Wobbly Guts is in many ways like a straight version of the theater queens I so miss in my life these days. It was stupid of me to expect him to behave like one in this respect, and even stupider of me to … entertain thoughts when he didn’t. Thanks, all. It helps to get it out of my head. I have adjusted my monitor position such that I can look out the window from a different angle, so I can enjoy the spring and the birdies and the flowers and such without danger of unwelcome sightings of other wildlife. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/15 "2009-05-05T14:06:38Z")
> [@omgzebras](#): > > If some old guy that you don’t even seem to like all that much is a temptation to you, do you really think your marriage is sound enough that you should be contemplating children at all? So far you have a minor problem keeping other men’s tongues out of your mouth and you’re contemplating an affair with some guy you seem to find almost repulsive in order to I guess cuckold your husband? If I were with somebody with these issues, even if everything else was in order, I’d be pretty wary of bringing children into the mix too. > > I’d suggest finding out what your husband really wants. You say you honestly think your husband wants kids, but are you sure? You need to find that out from him directly and make sure you’re not projecting your own wants. His ‘maybe someday’ might mean ‘probably not’ to him, but you’re hearing ‘probably so’ instead. If your positions differ on this you’re going to have a hard decision to make. Pretty much my thoughts. Did you two discuss having children before you got married? May I ask what your husband was doing abroad? My own personal thoughts are that you should have never had relation’s (emotional or physical) with this guy in the first place, let alone pursue it further. You have to find the underline problem and address it. \*\*eleanorigby \*\*was right, counseling is a smart idea. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/16 "2009-05-05T14:14:27Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > Did you two discuss having children before you got married? Yes, many times, and in detail, with specifics. We still do. It is a Known Issue. He has stated very clearly at least a dozen times that he does want kids. I think he believes he’s telling the truth. > [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > May I ask what your husband was doing abroad? Academic research under a government grant. > [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > My own personal thoughts are that you should have never had relation’s (emotional or physical) with this guy in the first place, let alone pursue it further. I agree! Insert [headdesk] smilie here. > [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > You have to find the underline problem and address it. \*\*eleanorigby \*\*was right, counseling is a smart idea. I agree. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/17 "2009-05-05T14:24:04Z")
> [@emmaliminal](#): > > Re the kids thing: yes, that’s a major issue we know we need to get counseling for. We’ve talked about it many times. **Askance** , after soul searching, I’ve realized I’d rather stay with my husband even if it means no kids. He \*says \*he does want them, though, and as far as I know, he isn’t prone to lying; rather the opposite. But does he want them _with you_ and, if so, does he understand biology? Surely he knows, even at 39, this could already be a moot point (even for adopting, depending on the country). And what has been going on the last 5-10 years, assuming you’ve been married that long? This man. Foul, repulsive, dim, completely different from both yourself and your hubby… so why can’t you stop thinking about him? Obviously part of it is the flattery. Mystery Method be damned, it can get the right type of man anywhere. Then, of course, it’s simply the opportunity. You don’t have to actively seek an affair, really, if this guy’s made it clear he’s available. You might even be able to convince yourself that you didn’t really want it but he was so persistent. It sounds like you know all this and are having more trouble with your _fantasies_ than the idea of having an affair with him. Because it doesn’t sound like the type of thing that’d end with a happy ending. No baby, no whirlwind romance, just that first fuck that ends too soon and leaves you slightly embarrassed, tiptoeing through his messy apartment and slinking out the door. (All just wild speculation, of course.) ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/18 "2009-05-05T14:27:55Z")
Well if you went into the marriage thinking you would have kids, and you’re now pushing 40, I can understand your sense of urgency. There’s no shortage of children looking for homes, but if your instincts are to do things ‘the old fashioned’ way, you need to be direct with your husband rather than acting out. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/19 "2009-05-05T14:34:51Z")
…If this is \*\*all \*\*about having kids. I’m sure it’s more than that, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you. Is your life stable enough right now to have children? I don’t mean that in a nasty or sarcastic way, I’m asking. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364/20 "2009-05-05T14:37:17Z")
Go get yourself a manicure and a pedicure and a nice haircut and some new clothes that will show off your Not Technically Overweightness. When your husband comes home tonight, smile at him. See if he smiles back. If he doesn’t, smile louder. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-know-why-this-is-even-an-issue-steel-my-resolve-please/495364.md?page=2)