# I don't like the word "partner" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 3, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259 "2003-04-03T18:10:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/1 "2003-04-03T18:10:58Z")
A coworker of mine is homosexual. She’s an absolutely wonderful person, incredibly cheerful, very outgoing, and generally makes the place I work a better place to be. Her position is fairly hectic and busy, yet she seems to love being there. The other day in the elevator, someone noticed a wrapped package in her arms, and asked who it was for. She said, “It’s my partner’s birthday today. We’re having a little party.” I didn’t realize she had a girlfriend, as she hadn’t mentioned her before. By the look on her face, she was obviously very much looking forward to giving her the present. But my problem is that once she mentioned the word “partner”, any image of a relationship (straight or gay) disappeared in my head. What replaced it was an image of an un-gendered, faceless, boring, non-descript mannequin. I feel absolutely horrible that I thought of that, and for the fact that she (and most likely many other gays/lesbians) have been pushed to de-gender any reference to their loved one. Like I said, she’s a wonderfully cheerful person, but at that moment, I was sad. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/2 "2003-04-03T18:53:39Z")
I don’t like it either, if for no other reason than I hate reading articles in the gay press referring to someone’s “partner” and wondering if it means business partner or romantic partner. It is the term that will probably be in widest use (mostly because of “domestic partner” legislation promoting use of the term) until such time as same-sex marriage is legalized and “partner” fades in favor of “husband” and “wife.” I’m OK with “spouse” myself but there isn’t really a term currently in use that sings to me. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/3 "2003-04-03T19:03:48Z")
I call my other half my partner. He’s not my husband, “boyfriend” sounds too teenager-ish to me, and he _is_ my partner. “Significant Other” is too wordy and “Beloved” just isn’t me. I felt the same when I had a female partner. I agree with you that it’s unfortunate that a lot of people feel the need to use gender-neutral descriptions because of potential prejudice. The workplace is a minefield for things like this and it’s sad. But perhaps your coworker simply preferred to keep her private life private, or prefers the term “partner”. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/4 "2003-04-03T19:26:33Z")
> [@](#): > > But perhaps your coworker simply preferred to keep her private life private, or prefers the term “partner”. Oh, I agree. I’m not entirely sure if it’s widespreadly known that she’s gay (there’s a couple hundred people in the firm). It’s also the type of place where she’d probably be met with the “You’re gay? But you’re so _normal_!” reactions. It’s not that I know a lot of gay people, or even a lot of gay couples - I don’t. And I probably have used the term “partner” in just that way in order to avoid specificity. Just in the particular case, it really rubbed me the wrong way. As an aside, I remember when Tom Hanks won the Best Actor Oscar for _Philadelphia_. In his speech, he thanked his wife, referring to her as his partner. My mother didn’t know that Tom Hanks was married, and uttered “Oh, God. Come _on_,” like she was upset that she thought Hanks was both gay, and willing to draw attention to it. What a sad world. ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/5 "2003-04-03T19:48:30Z")
If it helps any, **Munch** , my therapist is gay, and she refers to her SO as her partner. She knows it’s not an issue with us, so I don’t think she’s using the term the way someone might in mixed company or to avoid awkward questions, etc. It’s just the word she uses…she also sometimes refers to married straight couples as partners. But the work partner/life partner thing throws me too. There should be a better term, and an easier society to use it in. ---
**Author:** ![Iteki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eada6e/32.png) [@Iteki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iteki)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/6 "2003-04-03T20:14:47Z")
For me, it’s a vile vile vile word. Sounds like we have a law-practise together. I have never said it myself, but have had it said of me. “And this is mrsItekis registered partner”. I wanted to feel around to see if I was wearing a collar and tag. Most of the time, even tho I have wed the lovely mrsIteki (sorry, domestically partnerised (partaken?!) her), I refer to her as my “sambo”, the swedish word meaning “the person I live together with in a romantic context”. This is a phrase that everyone uses straight or gay, and often regardless of whether or not they are married even if it officially means common-law-married. It’s a great word, says nothing and yet everything. Just wish there was a good word in english. Wife feels entirely dorkey, since both of us are as unwifely as can be (and before anyone suggests it, we are also entirely unhusbandy). Still wish she would have let me keep saying “den där hemma” tho 😛 ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/7 "2003-04-03T20:19:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Most of the time, even tho I have wed the lovely mrsIteki (sorry, domestically partnerised (partaken?!) her), I refer to her as my “sambo”, the swedish word meaning “the person I live together with in a romantic context”… Just wish there was a good word in english. Yeah, 'cause _sambo_ ain’t gonna float over here. ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/8 "2003-04-03T20:26:27Z")
Beat me to it, **KneadToKnow**!!! The other phrase I hate is “life mate.” “Mate”??? Are you _swans_ or something?!? ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/9 "2003-04-03T20:42:15Z")
Ah, the terrors of language! **Knead** , if you referred to someone in the UK as your sambo, you’d be vilified for being a racist. ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/10 "2003-04-03T20:42:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Iteki \* > \*\*Still wish she would have let me keep saying “den där hemma” tho 😛 \*\* When I pop that into a translator I get something like “the day at home”. Is that how you referred to her? Either it’s an inside joke or I translated badly. ---
**Author:** ![Iteki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eada6e/32.png) [@Iteki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iteki)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/11 "2003-04-03T20:53:14Z")
Meant it more as a funny for the swedish speakers, not to hijack the thread 🙂 It means “the one at home” litterally, like the english phrase “her indoors”. ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/12 "2003-04-03T21:02:18Z")
I have to say, I don’t like “partner” either, but it’s better than “lover,” which always makes me think of that SNL sketch with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dretch. “Meet my lllllovvah!” :rolleyes: I refer to jeremy evil as my boyfriend, but in terms of things like emergency contact person, “boyfriend” sounds kind of high school-ish and quaint, so I suppose “partner” is better in that case. “Partner” _does_ imply a partnership that involves, among other things, shared finances (which we have). Luckily, where I live, we’ll be considered common-law spouses after a year of cohabitation, so we’ll be able to refer to each other as spouses, with or without a civil union. 🙂 A side note: we’re looking into drawing up wills (not that either of us has much of anything), and power of attorney forms. The reason for this is that if, God forbid, I were to become incapacitated, I don’t want my parents (or anyone else) coming into the picture and making decisions, and telling Jeremy to bugger off. Jeremy’s parents aren’t a problem, as he’s disowned them, but his current legal guardians live in Florida, and we need to make it legal that I’d be the one to make the decisions if anything were to happen to him. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/13 "2003-04-03T22:21:42Z")
Tom and I are going to bloody well do it like other people do (for once in our lives). Until one of us pops the question, we’re boyfriends; until we get hitched, we’ll be fianc ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/14 "2003-04-03T22:23:15Z")
(dammit!) …we’ll be fiancés; when the deed is done, we’ll be husbands. I like the sound of that. “This is my husband, Tom.” “I need a table for myself and my husband.” “Ex_cuse_ me, that is my _husband_ you’re talking to!” ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/15 "2003-04-03T22:30:25Z")
I refer to Mrs. shoshana as “my wife” when her role must be articulated. However, I refer to her in direct discourse by name, as “Doctor,” or as “Sweetsie Girl.” ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/16 "2003-04-10T19:41:30Z")
When we lived in the states, we socialized a lot with our neighbors across the street, Rod and Larry. One day our daughter Olivia, aged 6 at that time, asked my husband, “You call mommy your wife and she calls you her husband. What does Larry call Rod?” Byron said, “He probably calls him his partner.” Olivia thought about this and said, “So when Rod comes home from work, Larry says, ‘Howdy, Pard’ner’” (and she gives this little cowboy wave). ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/17 "2003-04-10T20:16:26Z")
Someone at work referred to Sniffs\_Markers as my “partner.” I had a moment of “…huh?” I don’t know why “partner” sounds so clinical to me, but it sure doesn’t feel like a word that “fits.” Doesn’t feel right – sounds too much like business. (Plus, working with lawyers and small businesses a lot “partner” seems weird for a host of other reasons). It may sound highschoolish, but I usually say “girlfriend” – though I know some people find that ambigous too, since some people use that to mean “a female friend.” Those in denial particularly think that “girlfreind” means she’s just my “buddy”. I must use a computer way too much because I’ve found myself simply referring to her as my “SO” (pronouncing it like the adverb/conjunction), as in “Sniffs\_Markers is my so!” With some hesitation, we both occasionally say “spouse” – it’s not accurate, but nothing else really sounds right either. (Except “SO.” I like saying “so”.) ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/18 "2003-04-10T21:11:11Z")
I use partner most of the time, like when talking to the other Mums at the school gates, because I’m not going to come out to them until I know them really well, but I don’t want to never mention my partner, either. I’ve got pretty used to the phrase now. It’s unavoidable. But when I’m with gay friends I say girlfriend. She usually refers to me as ‘wifey,’ which partly comes from a private joke. Some of my straight friends have the same problem, like the one who’s been with her … partner for ten years, has two children with him, but is not married. ‘Boyfriend’ sounds bizarre in those circumstances! they’re getting married in September, and I think part of the reasonis to sidestep the language difficulties! ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/19 "2003-04-10T22:39:22Z")
I think in situations like these, a foreign language might be your best recourse. Maybe not _sambo_, at least not in the US. (Sorry, **Iteki** , but a lot of people haven’t gotten over themselves racially around here. I think it’s a neat term. Am I correct pronouncing it “sahm-boh?”) My boyfriend me “mon ame” which I think is romantic as all get-out. I agree with whoever it was above who said boyfriend/girlfriend sounds too high-schoolerish. Manfriend/womanfriend? Brrrrrrrrr, that’s even worse. _Mon ame_ it is then! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259/20 "2003-04-10T22:49:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JillGat \* > \*\*When we lived in the states, we socialized a lot with our neighbors across the street, Rod and Larry. One day our daughter Olivia, aged 6 at that time, asked my husband, “You call mommy your wife and she calls you her husband. What does Larry call Rod?” Byron said, “He probably calls him his partner.” Olivia thought about this and said, “So when Rod comes home from work, Larry says, ‘Howdy, Pard’ner’” (and she gives this little cowboy wave). \*\* Aw, that’s so cute! I had a professor who referred to his wife as “Roomie”. And he called his son “It” and his daughter “Brat Child.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-like-the-word-partner/166259.md?page=2)