# I don't think I did anything wrong **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 23, 2004, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670 "2004-09-23T13:39:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/21 "2004-09-23T18:29:07Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > eh…you shouldn’t have moved in with him. Whether you intended it or not, and I’m sure you didn’t intend it, he read your willingness to move in together as a “signal”. You have to start planning on your next move, out the door. Stupid post. By this logic, no straight man and straight woman should ever move into together as roommates, because this is the “signal” that they want to get together. As **Ogre** said, complete horseshit. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/22 "2004-09-23T18:39:22Z")
Kudos to the OP for not punching the guy (like most morons say they would), you handled it perfectly. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/23 "2004-09-23T19:01:18Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > eh…you shouldn’t have moved in with him. Whether you intended it or not, and I’m sure you didn’t intend it, he read your willingness to move in together as a “signal”. You have to start planning on your next move, out the door. He didn’t say anything about accepting any toasters, and his name is on the lease. ---
**Author:** ![Iacob\_Matthew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Iacob\_Matthew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iacob_Matthew)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/24 "2004-09-23T19:24:50Z")
I’d have to waffle between the “he’s just being an asshole” and “he feels like an asshole and isn’t good at dealing with it” crowds. My roommate brought 7 pairs of shoes. He shaves & showers every day, his bed is always in perfect condition. He signed up for the school’s GSA equivalent “just because he felt guilty about taking the condoms,” but he knew the flavors he took off the top of his head. The one time a woman came overnight, I left the room for a few hours, and nothing happened. He was curious about where I got the free packet of lube, and he’s obsessed with Dave Matthews Band. I still felt like an asshole after coming on to him once, while drunk. Fortunately, he’s calmed down, I calmed down, we both crack fag jokes every now and then, and nothing’s weird. Luckily for me, he’s used to it because so many people think he’s gay that he’s dealt with full-on obsessed stalkers before. You’re dealing with this as maturely as I can imagine one could. I can’t think of anything that’d make it seem less offensive to the guy to have said. Unless, as was suggested, you were a bit too drunk to remember right. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/25 "2004-09-23T19:28:44Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Stupid post. > > By this logic, no straight man and straight woman should ever move into together as roommates, because this is the “signal” that they want to get together. > > As **Ogre** said, complete horseshit. I stand by my post. And I humble request that **Greathouse** ask his roommate to be honest and say if he saw it this way. And I humbly request **Greathouse** to post the answer here. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/26 "2004-09-23T19:38:59Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > I stand by my post. > > And I humble request that **Greathouse** ask his roommate to be honest and say if he saw it this way. > > And I humbly request **Greathouse** to post the answer here. I’m not saying that it’s impossible that **Greathouse** ’s roommate saw it this way. What i’m saying is that there’s no way that **Greathouse** could have known that this would happen, and it would have been offensive of him to assume that it would, so your contention that he never should have agreed to move in together is horseshit. ---
**Author:** ![blowero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/41988e/32.png) [@blowero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blowero)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/27 "2004-09-23T19:40:05Z")
> [@Greathouse](#): > > He has been pissy and stand-offish every since then. Everytime I try to talk to him about anything I am lucky if I get more than 1 or 2 words. I don’t know if he is afraid that people at work will find out (which they won’t since it is his own personal business and if he wants anyone to know he is gay, he will tell them), or if he is upset simply about being rejected. I can’t really see that I did anything wrong, though. I have a question. Is he being _mean_ to you, or is he just not saying much? If something like that happened to me, I’d be embarassed more than angry, I suspect. But you used the word “pissy”, so I’m thinking he’s doing more than just being quiet, is that right? ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/28 "2004-09-23T19:52:52Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > I’m not saying that it’s impossible that **Greathouse** ’s roommate saw it this way. > > What i’m saying is that there’s no way that **Greathouse** could have known that this would happen, and it would have been offensive of him to assume that it would, so your contention that he never should have agreed to move in together is horseshit. Apology accepted. And I don’t agree that there’s no way that **Greathouse** could have known. He could have asked outright, or stated outright that if roommate thought there was any of that on the horizon, he was mistaken. And that if that changes the dynamics of moving in together, or being friends better to find out sooner than later. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/29 "2004-09-23T19:59:18Z")
When you have your talk with him, make it as friendly and non-judgmental as possible. Encourage him to relax and enjoy your friendship. I like all of **mhendo’s** advice except for the part about telling him to “start acting like an adult.” Although that is true, no one likes to hear it. And don’t use words like _pissy_ when talking with him. Describe the actual behavior that has bothered you rather than labelling it. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/30 "2004-09-23T20:06:51Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Apology accepted. Is this irony? I did not apologize, as i had nothing to apologize for. > [@Icarus](#): > > And I don’t agree that there’s no way that **Greathouse** could have known. He could have asked outright, or stated outright that if roommate thought there was any of that on the horizon, he was mistaken. And that if that changes the dynamics of moving in together, or being friends better to find out sooner than later. So, if i interpret your post correctly, you think that whenever a straight man and a gay man move in together, the straight man should lay down the law and tell the gay man that there’s to be no funny business? If that’s what your saying, then it’s one of the most offensive things i’ve heard in a while. It may surprise you to know this, but gay men generally don’t spend their lives trying to “flip” straight men and get them in the sack. I have plenty of gay friends, some of whom i am or have been very close to, and NOT A SINGLE ONE of them has ever tried coming on to me. (Insert joke about **mhendo** ’s ugly mug here) It’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that straight men should, by default, be suspicious of gay men’s intentions in such friendship situations. The OP’s circumstances shows that problems can occur, but to imply that all gay men are prone to such behavior is pretty pathetic. > [@Zoe](#): > > I like all of mhendo’s advice except for the part about telling him to “start acting like an adult.” Although that is true, no one likes to hear it. And don’t use words like pissy when talking with him. Actually, that part was somewhat hyperbolic. I would only ever use such language when all attempts at reasoned and reasonable resolution had failed. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/31 "2004-09-23T20:09:21Z")
So nice to have **Mhendo** around, he saves me so much typing. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/32 "2004-09-23T20:17:25Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > And I don’t agree that there’s no way that **Greathouse** could have known. He could have asked outright, or stated outright that if roommate thought there was any of that on the horizon, he was mistaken. Yeah, every time I’ve moved with a friend, I’ve always been careful to say “Oh, and by the way, if you’re gay then you should know that I’m not implying that we should start boning each other, so if that’s what you had in mind you should live elsewhere.” It always goes over really well. Poor **Icarus**. Flying too close to the sun on wings of bullshit… ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/33 "2004-09-23T21:52:42Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Yeah, every time I’ve moved with a friend, I’ve always been careful to say “Oh, and by the way, if you’re gay then you should know that I’m not implying that we should start boning each other, so if that’s what you had in mind you should live elsewhere.” It always goes over really well. > > Poor **Icarus**. Flying too close to the sun on wings of bullshit… Folks, it’s called laying down the ground rules, and it really really works. As long as you don’t phrase it in a flip snarky way. If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds. And **mhendo** at no point did I “imply that all gay men are prone to such behavior”. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/34 "2004-09-23T22:11:25Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Folks, it’s called laying down the ground rules, and it really really works. As long as you don’t phrase it in a flip snarky way. > > If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds. The ground rules? Hey dude I’m not gay, so don’t think me moving in with you is flipping. Ok, just wanted to get that out of the way. How well do you know the people you’re moving in with? It seems like “to pork or not to pork” would have been figured out earlier in the friendship. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/35 "2004-09-23T22:21:46Z")
> [@World Eater](#): > > The ground rules? Hey dude I’m not gay, so don’t think me moving in with you is flipping. Ok, just wanted to get that out of the way. How well do you know the people you’re moving in with? It seems like “to pork or not to pork” would have been figured out earlier in the friendship. Well, gee, obviously it wasn’t or we wouldn’t be here posting, now would we? ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/36 "2004-09-23T22:33:15Z")
He’s horrified because he came out to you at the same time he came on to you, and he’s terrified of how the relationship may have changed. Give him time, change the subject, it’ll be fine. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/37 "2004-09-23T22:45:28Z")
don’t emphasize the whole “I’m not gay” thing. He knows you’re not gay. An awful lot of straight guys will try anything once, so don’t assume he thought you were gay. So seriously, don’t emphasize that, that he’s gay and you’re not. Stick to the behavior, not the orientation. Say you don’t want to have sex with him, or whatever, but seriously, as a gay man who’s been there, don’t emphasize the orientation angle at all. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/38 "2004-09-23T22:46:46Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Folks, it’s called laying down the ground rules, and it really really works. As long as you don’t phrase it in a flip snarky way. > > If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds. No, it’s called unsolicited rejection, and it’s not cool. The default status of friendship is “not fucking”. For me to inform friends out of the blue that I won’t have sex with them implies that I thought they might want to have sex with me and thus am taking the precaution of rejecting them in advance. Weird, and not a little rude. A friend is always welcome to suggest that our relationship change from “not fucking” to “fucking”, but they should be prepared for the possibility of rejection and not act like a dick about it. This goes double if they aren’t of my professed gender of interest. There’s nothing wrong with trying, but it’s your job to be braced for rejection. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/39 "2004-09-23T22:48:24Z")
Sorry for the multi posts, but this kind of thing really pisses me off. He’s not trying to “flip” you, that ludicrous. I’ve had recreational sex with more than one straight guy, and they’re still straight after the experiment. They just went for a ride to check out the scenery. As it were. He just wanted to know if you were up for a little fun. Tell him you’re not up for it, change the subject, and move on. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/40 "2004-09-23T22:57:16Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Folks, it’s called laying down the ground rules, and it really really works. As long as you don’t phrase it in a flip snarky way. > > If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds. > > And **mhendo** at no point did I “imply that all gay men are prone to such behavior”. Sure you did. If you deem this particular situation so likely to occur that you need to pre-empt it before the gay man even moves in, then that says something about how you believe gay men tend to act. > [@Icarus](#): > > Well, gee, obviously it wasn’t or we wouldn’t be here posting, now would we? No-one’s said that it doesn’t happen on occasion. But it seems to me that it happens rarely enough that trying to pre-empt it, the way you suggest, would probably damage friendships on far more occasions than it would save them. As **Giraffe** says, “The default status of friendship is ‘not fucking.’” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670.md?page=3)