# I don't think I did anything wrong **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 23, 2004, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670 "2004-09-23T13:39:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2004, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/41 "2004-09-23T23:44:53Z")
> [@](#): > > **mhendo** : Actually, that part was somewhat hyperbolic. I would only ever use such language when all attempts at reasoned and reasonable resolution had failed. I never doubted that for one moment. Your own conduct is a beautiful example. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/42 "2004-09-24T00:18:44Z")
**lacarus** , are you seriously suggesting that any friend moving in with another friend pre-emptively make sure they know there will be no action to be had? That’s so freaking egotistical it’s not even funny. “Yeah, so uh, just so we’re clear, this hot bod? Totally off limits sweetheart…” The hell? I would feel morally obligated to humiliate the hell out of anyone who said that to me, just to pre-emptively avoid the danger of any moster sized ego’s getting out of hand and possibly strangling any small children. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/43 "2004-09-24T00:20:00Z")
Eh hem. That would be any _monster_ sized egos. I wonder how big a “moser” sized ego would be, anyway… ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/44 "2004-09-24T01:25:11Z")
> [@Greathouse](#): > > Thanks for the feedback guys. I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I figured that me being out of town all weekend and a couple of days this week (helping my brother clean up after hurricane Ivan, not specifically getting away from the roommate) would have help keep things from getting wierd. > > Anyway, this is starting to piss me off. I may offer him a beer and try talking to him tonight after work. If that doesn’t work, then I’m through with it until he tries to talk to me. I mean I have hit on female friends of mine before. Some of them rejected the idea, others didn’t. I never got pissed off at the ones that did reject me. IMO, the way to handle it is what you hit on in your last paragraph – bring up about having made moves on female friends and been rejected, and remaining friends with them. That way, he knows you’re also seeing it from his perspective. Then get into the moodiness – which may not necessarily be related to your turning him down; coincidences do happen, and some other stuff may be pissing him off at the world generally (to which the embarrassment with you was one additional straw). If he can’t handle the idea of sharing an apartment with someone who won’t have sex with him, then his worldview is much more screwed up than you had any reason to believe. (As has been dissected at inordinate length already, it’s also worthwhile to check out **his** perception of the turned-down pass, too – he may have misunderstood what you meant as letting him down gently as a total rejection – see some of the posts about hurt feelings our gay members have had and expressed about statements by other, straight people made in actual innocence. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/45 "2004-09-24T02:03:44Z")
A similar thing happened to me some years ago, **Greathouse**. Fortunately or otherwise, I have not maintained contact with a former roommate of mine who asked me for sex a half-dozen times or so in a rather short time period - 15 minutes or so, if memory serves. Not long after, hostility toward me started to get palpable. There were other things at work, to be sure. I thought I handled things as diplomatically and firmly (heh) as I could, but the issue to him (which is not completely the same as yours, though I think they are related) was that I rejected him in his time of need, so to speak. He may well be embarassed by what he did and is employing this method, consciously or otherwise, to deal with it. There are a variety of possibilities. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/46 "2004-09-24T03:53:07Z")
**Icarus** , I just wanted to let you know that I don’t want you to fuck me in the ass. I hope that’s OK with you and that we can still be freinds. Also, if you don’t mind, I’d greatly prefer it if you didn’t suck my dick, or even playfully nuzzle my ballsack. Actually, even kissing (with or without tongue) and long, lingering embraces are things I’d rather do without. I hope you don’t mind me saying this; I just wanted to set the boundaries with you advance so you didn’t get the wrong idea. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/47 "2004-09-24T04:59:15Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Folks, it’s called laying down the ground rules, and it really really works. As long as you don’t phrase it in a flip snarky way. And of course there was nothing flip or snarky about this: > [@](#): > > eh…you shouldn’t have moved in with him. Whether you intended it or not, and I’m sure you didn’t intend it, **he read your willingness to move in together as a “signal”. You have to start planning on your next move, out the door**. Emphasis mine. > [@](#): > > If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds. Why would or should there be any expectation of sexual activity between two strangers - or, to be more general, two people who are not in a non-platonic relationship of any sort? Why is it so necessary to insist on no sex when no sex of any sort has been broached as a topic? Certainly you don’t operate under the ludicrously naive belief that non-hets have no preference/taste when it comes to sexual partners? That we’ll just say “Eh, fuckit, s/he isn’t hideous.” I promise my grading rubric is ever so slightly more significant than that;) > [@](#): > > And **mhendo** at no point did I “imply that all gay men are prone to such behavior”. Oh, come off it. From your own post: > [@](#): > > **he read your willingness to move in together as a “signal”.** Again, emphasis mine. You highlighted nothing about this gay man in particular, just proclaiming that the OP’s willingness to co-exist with a gay man was taken as a signal by same gay man. Furthermore, let us examine this part of one of your posts again: > [@](#): > > If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds. A generalization set up to parallel the situation in the OP, implying that every woman, since you’d do the same, should do as listed above. Oh, and by the way: I may enjoy men, but I don’t enjoy you, whoever or whatever you are. Please do not avail yourself of the next - or any - opportunity to come over and get some hot **punha** loving. See, cuz just because you have genitalia … means fuckall when it comes to me wanting sex. I promise my criteria are more specifically selective than “exists,” and I suspect the OP’s roommate is more selective than “has cock, will lay.” BTW, I’d love to see the look on your female roommates’ faces when you specifically said you weren’t looking for sex. Not everyone lacks the self-control required to refrain from ripping your clothes off and shoving your cock inside the nearest pleasure hole. No, no, don’t thank me. Fighting ignorance and all that. ---
**Author:** ![SnakeSpirit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snakespirit/32/7271_2.png) [@SnakeSpirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakeSpirit)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/48 "2004-09-24T05:19:25Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > If he stays angry and distant, though, it’s time to give him a friendly but firm talking-to. **mhendo,** I’m impressed. Solid, no, SOLID advice. Good going. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/49 "2004-09-24T05:46:53Z")
> [@SnakeSpirit](#): > > **mhendo,** I’m impressed. > Solid, no, SOLID advice. You say that like you’re surprised! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![EvilGhandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@EvilGhandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilGhandi)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/50 "2004-09-24T05:47:12Z")
Take this, FilmGeek “Did you have many many beers too? Maybe you weren’t as nice as you think you were.” And this, lissener “I’ve had recreational sex with more than one straight guy, and they’re still straight after the experiment. They just went for a ride to check out the scenery.” I don’t know about the guys you hang out with, but when me and my buds get together for some beers, it is VERY SELDOM that we end up having recreational sex. Likewise when I hang out with women I am not married to it is VERY SELDOM I solicit unwanted sex. Or wanted sex even. Fucks sake I am married. It’s not that I dont want to, it’s just that I have a fucking sence of decency. All I got to say is you got to start picking your crowd better. If anyone I associate with ever got so far out of line, he’d be lucky to escape with a broken jaw. Call us redneck mokes or whatever, we have rules of behaviof. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/51 "2004-09-24T06:34:54Z")
> [@EvilGhandi](#): > > All I got to say is you got to start picking your crowd better. If anyone I associate with ever got so far out of line, he’d be lucky to escape with a broken jaw. This is not going to go well for you. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/52 "2004-09-24T06:47:06Z")
> [@EvilGhandi](#): > > lissener > “I’ve had recreational sex with more than one straight guy, and they’re still straight after the experiment. They just went for a ride to check out the scenery.” > > I don’t know about the guys you hang out with, but when me and my buds get together for some beers, it is VERY SELDOM that we end up having recreational sex. > > … > > All I got to say is you got to start picking your crowd better. If anyone I associate with ever got so far out of line, he’d be lucky to escape with a broken jaw. Obviously, if he’s getting laid instead of broken jaws, he’s already picked the right crowd. ---
**Author:** ![EvilGhandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@EvilGhandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilGhandi)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/53 "2004-09-24T07:40:19Z")
Matt, Can’t argue there. What I am stating is among my crowd of friends, hitting on someone who dont wan’t it is a no no. But then again I am just an old straight white guy, what the fuck would I know. Perhaps in the new enlightened world you and miller live in, sexual inuendo is laughed off, no matter what the circumstance. Shit I, off to try it, on my buddy’s (the marine) wife. ---
**Author:** ![EvilGhandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@EvilGhandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilGhandi)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/54 "2004-09-24T07:44:16Z")
Oh and matt. I know me and you have had our moments, but during my self imposed exodus of these boards. (I read but did not post) I gained new respect for you from some of your writings. I didn’t want to look like I was stalking so I waited till you talked to me directly. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/55 "2004-09-24T07:57:34Z")
I appreciate it, Evil. I’m sure you can understand that situations are different between that group of **lissener** ’s friends that he mentions, and that group of yours that you do. I know many groups of gay and lesbian friends that are far, far from the realms of the sexual, and many groups of straight friends between whom casual sex is the norm. It really comes down to context. ---
**Author:** ![EvilGhandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@EvilGhandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilGhandi)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/56 "2004-09-24T08:06:33Z")
In fact yea I do. And therin Lies the problem. One minite I see real genius in your generation, the next, nothing but lazy fucks bitching about how the establisment fucked everthing up… oh my fucking god I’m my fucking dad. Heh, I take comfort knowing it will happen to you as well. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/57 "2004-09-24T10:07:57Z")
> [@EvilGhandi](#): > > All I got to say is you got to start picking your crowd better. If anyone I associate with ever got so far out of line, he’d be lucky to escape with a broken jaw. > > Call us redneck mokes or whatever, we have rules of behaviof. Um…yeah. Let me know how this goes for ya. I suspect hard. And not in a good way. ---
**Author:** ![Cerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@Cerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerri)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/58 "2004-09-24T10:10:32Z")
And out of curiosity, **Evil Ghandi** …if a female friend of yours proposed a liason, would you break her jaw too? Or is the broken-jaw-threat an Unequal Opportunity threat? ---
**Author:** ![Mariemarie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/58f4c7/32.png) [@Mariemarie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mariemarie)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/59 "2004-09-24T10:37:07Z")
> [@](#): > > What the fuck is it with men ? They can’t get their rocks off when they want so they go all pissy. **grienspace** , that is what I was thinking! It happens all the time in male-female relationships. “She was leading him on, but she wouldn’t put out. She’s an evil bitch.” :rolleyes: Feel bemused contempt. ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670/60 "2004-09-24T12:32:50Z")
Ok, first off, sorry for not responding quicker, but the Ineternet at the house is being installed on Monday so I couldn’t post from home last night. Now then, I spoke with my roommate last night. He apologized for being a dick the past week. He said that I was the first guy he hit on since moving here a couple of years ago from England. He said that he was just really upset and depressed that he was still alone. Then he was emabrrassed about hitting on me and then for getting upset in the first place. He apologized and we talked and now everything seems cool. We sat up drinking beer, joking and playing XBox last night so it seemed like everything was cool. We may go down to Dallas this weekend and do some bar hopping. Maybe he can get a hookup while we are out, I dunno. All I know is that things seemed ok last night. I suggested that he go on line and see if he can find out any information about the gay community in Denton and/or Dallas. He also said that he understood I was not gay and that us moving intogether was not seen as a “signal”. He said that he was just really lonely and drunk that night. I told him that was fine, but lets not do that again so that we don’t find ourselves in these roles again. He agreed. He also said that I was not a dick when I said thanks, but no thanks. SO HA!!! 😃 I knew I wasn’t an asshole. 😉 Sorry if this post has rambled on, but I haven’t had any coffee yet. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-i-did-anything-wrong/265670.md?page=4)