# I don't think it's going to work out with my boyfriend, and I'm sad **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 1, 2011, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997 "2011-03-01T00:25:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2011, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/21 "2011-03-01T16:44:02Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > But I’m not in a fun city and not as young as you are (I’m a crotchety 31). If I had those things going for me, I’d feel much better about going out and finding someone new. Well, I’m 30, so the “young” is relative. Anyway, all the more reason not to wate our time, right? It’s been a long journey to finally learning to ask for what I want. **Rigamarole** , “Emotionally unavailable” are his words. I take it to mean he just does’t have a lot to give. I don’t think he meant to be in a relationship to begin with, but the whole thing was so irresistible that we kept at it anyway. Everyone who knows us both says he is really, truly into me. But he just has too many of his own issues to be fully “there.” I see dude tonight at school. I’m not expecting much- he’s been a ball of stress with midterms. We’ll see how that goes. Either way, I’ll be happy to have this resolved. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2011, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/22 "2011-03-01T16:56:33Z")
Well, **Sven** and **Zipper,** I am also in a similar boat, and I’m tens of years older than both of you. I have not been single my entire life but I have been so for the most part for the last six years. A relationship I’ve been in for five months recently changed because he moved a few hours away for a job, and I don’t know where it’s going. I wish the move hadn’t happened, but he has to work and it was his only offer in six months, and a pretty good one at that. Our relationship wasn’t ideal, but like many people above wrote, I don’t believe in “soulmates,” and I don’t think being “in love” is necessarily a good way to be in a relationship. I’ve been married twice to people I thought I was “in love” with, but especially for one of them probably didn’t “love,” if that makes sense. I would rather be with someone long-term that I just “loved” instead of someone I’m “in love” with, because I don’t think the “in love” thing lasts, while for me “love” is pretty much permanent; at least it has been for me so far. Good luck resolving this tonight, Sven. I definitely know how you feel and am probably feeling that same wounded gut feeling right now. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2011, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/23 "2011-03-01T19:26:08Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I’ve only been married ten years, and I still enjoy my wife’s company… > > …but that phrase, while true, is like describing a sunset in terms of the wavelengths of light that happen to be visible. I love my wife, and I’m IN love with my wife. > > Now it’s true that in the past, I had “in love” moments that were full of both passion and drama, and fit very nicely into what you said – they would have been disastrous as long-term partners. Which is why I didn’t partner with any of 'em. > > And in the past, I also had “comfortable,” girlfriends, with whom I liked spending time but wasn’t thrilled to my very core. Didn’t partner with any of them, either. > > I guess what I’m saying is that your conclusion doesn’t ring true for me. Perhaps in sixteen years, I’ll be saying what you’re saying… but I can’t imagine it. Maybe you and I have different definitions of ‘in love’; to me, that phrase has connotations of high drama and, I don’t know, almost an expectation that this person is _perfect_ or something. I don’t think I’m expressing myself very well here. In fact, I’m damned sure I’m not. 😉 I guess maybe what I’m talking about is infatuation. That always seems so impermanent. It _always_ fades (IME, at least). I love my husband more than I’ve ever loved any man (romantically, I mean). But we kind of skipped that whole infatuation phase. Not to say that phase is necessarily bad, I know lots of couples who’ve been through it, and built a stable relationship afterward. I’m just saying that it’s not something we’ve ever done. Does that make more sense to you? Or, I don’t know, maybe you’re still infatuated with your wife, in which case, more power to you! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2011, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/24 "2011-03-01T19:54:15Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > Does that make more sense to you? Or, I don’t know, maybe you’re still infatuated with your wife, in which case, more power to you! 🙂 I hesitate to say “infatuated,” but some of those high-school-ish type feelings still happen for me: when she comes in a crowded room I’m aware of her. I don’t get nervous about talking to her, mind you. But I still get hit by these strong sweeps of feelings when I look at her. Sometimes I look at her when she doesn’t know I’m looking and my heart just …stops… for a second. Sometimes she’ll look at me sideways with this sort of impish look that says, “Hey, you know what would be fun to do right now?” and I get a …a RUSH of desire. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/25 "2011-03-01T21:51:36Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I hesitate to say “infatuated,” but some of those high-school-ish type feelings still happen for me: when she comes in a crowded room I’m aware of her. I don’t get nervous about talking to her, mind you. But I still get hit by these strong sweeps of feelings when I look at her. Sometimes I look at her when she doesn’t know I’m looking and my heart just …stops… for a second. Sometimes she’ll look at me sideways with this sort of impish look that says, “Hey, you know what would be fun to do right now?” and I get a …a RUSH of desire. Well, it sounds like you guys are really happy. That rocks! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2011, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/26 "2011-03-01T23:11:08Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > For most of us, it takes a lot of tries to find someone who is truly compatible. Keep trying! I got a kid from my very first girlfriend, so it’ might not take too long to get something out of it all! ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2011, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/27 "2011-03-02T00:45:23Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I hesitate to say “infatuated,” but some of those high-school-ish type feelings still happen for me: when she comes in a crowded room I’m aware of her. I don’t get nervous about talking to her, mind you. But I still get hit by these strong sweeps of feelings when I look at her. Sometimes I look at her when she doesn’t know I’m looking and my heart just …stops… for a second. Sometimes she’ll look at me sideways with this sort of impish look that says, “Hey, you know what would be fun to do right now?” and I get a …a RUSH of desire. This. I am currently in a great relationship, but there’s no this. We adore each other’s company, we have great fun together both in and outside the bedroom, and she is just the most adorable and warm-hearted person on the planet. Like, one time she was watching me play an online fighting game, and I happened to lose a close match. When I turned to see how she was doing, she was crying. “I wanted you to win soooo much” ☹ (face of ultimate cute-sadness). But then, there’s no spark. I love her in the sense that I like the hell outta of her, and I do think marriage is possible, but sometimes I feel there is something missing. And I feel like the world’s biggest greedy shithead for having that feeling… I mean, I know true-love/infatuation/love-rush-ecstasy almost never lasts, but what if you never had it? How do you know if you are right for each other or if you are just happy and comfortable? I keep telling myself the answer will come with time, but again… I feel so bad having these doubts… Sorry for that long hijacky-story **sven**. Across the webs, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Keep on keepin’ on. You’re pretty darn neat; I am sure you’ll get through this well. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2011, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/28 "2011-03-02T01:42:23Z")
Sorry to hear that, **sven**. Break-ups, even when they’re overdue, are never easy. My ex and I had a messy relationship, and I’m very glad things did not work out for us. But the thing that kept me in that relationship for so long was that we had “it.” We were mad for each other pretty much the moment we met. It was irrational and ultimately unhealthy for both of us. When it ended, I told myself that I shouldn’t expect that sort of infatuation from my next relationship - that I needed something stable and comforting rather than something that gave me a rush. But with my current boyfriend I’ve found a relationship that’s both emotionally stable and plenty lustful. Sometimes when we’re out somewhere I’ll just stare at his profile and muse about how handsome he is and how lucky I am to be with him. He often reaches across the table to take my hand and just tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. It’s always given me such a thrill to hear him laugh at something I’ve said. We still haven’t been together that long (2.5 years) and maybe I’m naive when I say that I can’t imagine this part of our relationship fading away. But I can only hope that 10-20 years from now, I still feel what **Bricker** feels about his wife. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2011, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/29 "2011-03-02T02:01:32Z")
Just wanted to add to the chorus of “it’s possible to still love your spouse wildly after many years.” I am absolutely still very much in love with my husband of ten years, and I know without a doubt that he feels the same. It’s worth holding out for. I think having a great relationship with your SO is probably the most important thing you can have, to be happy. I cannot see how anyone in an miserable marriage can have a general sense of contentment, and if your partnership is a good one, I don’t think there is much you cannot weather. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2011, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/30 "2011-03-02T03:50:18Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Hehehe. We are funny creatures, huh? > > I think part of what is going on is that I am in a weird place in my life, where I am putting off settling down but also kind of done with relationships that are not going somewhere. I think until I figure out what I am looking for, I’m not going to get what I want. Maybe, or maybe finding “Mr. Right” (or even Mr. Acceptable who you do share some chemistry with and enjoy spending time with, but is not Mr. Perfect In Every Way) is a matter of trying on a lot of dresses in the store and saying “well, it didn’t look like much on the rack, but this is the one!” But you won’t know while you are stuck with Mr. Not Right But We are Having A Good Time and Breaking Up Is Such A Bother. Anyway, rip the band aid off quick - it sounds like it will be a relief to both of you. Then buy yourself a dirty novel and a sex toy, a bottle of wine and some chocolate. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2011, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/31 "2011-03-02T04:06:20Z")
**even sven** , I’m sorry. Breaking up sucks even when you know it’s the right thing to do. As for in love vs. love – I don’t get the whole days of feeling giddy and nervous and heart racing when even thinking about when I’d see him next (and thank God, because I got no work done during those months), but I definitely get the moments from time to time like **Bricker** describes. I guess another difference is that sometimes I get hit by a wave of giddy heartbreaking love when he takes out the trash or when I see him playing Superbaby with our daughter, which I couldn’t have imagined when we started dating. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2011, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/32 "2011-03-02T08:36:23Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I hesitate to say “infatuated,” but some of those high-school-ish type feelings still happen for me: when she comes in a crowded room I’m aware of her. I don’t get nervous about talking to her, mind you. But I still get hit by these strong sweeps of feelings when I look at her. Sometimes I look at her when she doesn’t know I’m looking and my heart just …stops… for a second. Sometimes she’ll look at me sideways with this sort of impish look that says, “Hey, you know what would be fun to do right now?” and I get a …a RUSH of desire. Y’all think we could use this post as blackmail? You know, threaten with showing it to people who think **Bricker** ’s whole self is this serious lawyer… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2011, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/33 "2011-03-03T01:36:25Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I hesitate to say “infatuated,” but some of those high-school-ish type feelings still happen for me: when she comes in a crowded room I’m aware of her. I don’t get nervous about talking to her, mind you. But I still get hit by these strong sweeps of feelings when I look at her. Sometimes I look at her when she doesn’t know I’m looking and my heart just …stops… for a second. Sometimes she’ll look at me sideways with this sort of impish look that says, “Hey, you know what would be fun to do right now?” and I get a …a RUSH of desire. So wonderful. I’m in love with my husband too. And sometimes he just looks at me and says, ‘‘God, you’re so beautiful.’’ And in that moment I feel like it’s true. I’m sorry about your grief, **even sven** - I’ve grieved even the jerkiest of jerks - but knowing firsthand how much better it can be… never settle. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2011, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/34 "2011-03-03T05:32:12Z")
Still no resolution. We’ve had some superficial conversations, but haven’t been alone long enough to really hash stuff out. 50% of me wishes he’d just let me go so that I can get to updating my OKCupid profile. The other 50% of me hopes he comes running back into my arms. All of me wishes I wasn’t expending any energy on this at all, since clearly what is going to happen is going to happen. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/35 "2011-03-03T20:02:09Z")
Blech. That’s how it’s going with me too. I wish something would HAPPEN so there could just be a “ok then it’s OVER!” moment. Like if he got mean or said something rude. But nothing happens at all and thus I leave my arms wide open for him to come running back. Although I did start updating my OKCupid profile. Only not one bite on that so it makes me more willing to give dude time. Cuz all I got is time. Glad you’re at least thinking about making it be over. It’s the first step. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2011, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/36 "2011-03-03T20:31:24Z")
Yeah, you gotta make an appointment to get that shit done. “Hey, we need to talk, meet me at Starbucks” and then drop the hammer on it. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/37 "2011-03-03T23:33:53Z")
Would this be a bad time to ask out the OP? 😃 Seriously tho’. Sending good wishes your way. ---
**Author:** ![Saganist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Saganist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saganist)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/38 "2011-03-04T04:22:39Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > This. I am currently in a great relationship, but there’s no this. We adore each other’s company, we have great fun together both in and outside the bedroom, and she is just the most adorable and warm-hearted person on the planet. Like, one time she was watching me play an online fighting game, and I happened to lose a close match. When I turned to see how she was doing, she was crying. “I wanted you to win soooo much” ☹ (face of ultimate cute-sadness). > > But then, there’s no spark. I love her in the sense that I like the hell outta of her, and I do think marriage is possible, but sometimes I feel there is something missing. And I feel like the world’s biggest greedy shithead for having that feeling… I mean, I know true-love/infatuation/love-rush-ecstasy almost never lasts, but what if you never had it? How do you know if you are right for each other or if you are just happy and comfortable? I keep telling myself the answer will come with time, but again… I feel so bad having these doubts… > > Sorry for that long hijacky-story **sven**. Across the webs, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Keep on keepin’ on. You’re pretty darn neat; I am sure you’ll get through this well. I can identify with the vast majority of this post. And yeah, it makes me feel pretty guilty to even begin to form the idea that I might be slightly unhappy when she is so clearly a great person to be with. Plus it’s coupled with the fact that this is my first relationship of any length, so there’s the part of me that thinks I’m not capable of deciding to pursue a serious relationship without (plenty of) experience. No advice or suggestions for your situation, **Autolycus** , but thought you might like to know there are other people out there in similar shoes. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/39 "2011-03-04T16:14:29Z")
Why wait for someone else to give you closure? Give it to yourself…just say it’s over and done with; time to move on. I’ve been in your shoes, **sven** , and I hate breaking up as much as anyone, but realizing that you can move on without someone else’s permission is remarkably freeing. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2011, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997/40 "2011-03-04T19:09:17Z")
> [@Lionne](#): > > Why wait for someone else to give you closure? Give it to yourself…just say it’s over and done with; time to move on. I’ve been in your shoes, **sven** , and I hate breaking up as much as anyone, but realizing that you can move on without someone else’s permission is remarkably freeing. > Best of luck. Well, it doesn’t seem very classy to dump-by-text-message. It’s not like he did anything wrong, the stars just weren’t aligned for it. Still, we both deserve to talk to each other face to face, and to process this together. I know in many ways this whole thing is going to hurt him more than it hurts me. I know I’m going on to better things, but I think it’s gonna be a while before he gets what he needs. So I don’t want to be needlessly mean to him. And of course, I’m interested in the possibility of break-up sex :p. I mean, there are no real hard feelings, it’s a recognition that this is not working as a somewhat committed relationship. I know it’s dangerous ground, but there may be other types of relationships for us to explore. With some ground rules, I’d be interested in hooking up now and then. It’s not in essence all that different than what we are doing anyway. Anyway, I think I’d be fine with that emotionally. And then there is always the possibility, however slight, that he’d want to rethink this and give it an honest go. That said, yesterday I called and said “WTF dude, are we hanging out this weekend or not” and he was like “Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll talk about it.” He’s got approximately six more hours before he gets dumped via Facebook status change. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-think-its-going-to-work-out-with-my-boyfriend-and-im-sad/572997.md?page=1)