# I don't understand why my girlfriend said this to me. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 4, 2018, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271 "2018-07-04T06:05:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/41 "2018-07-05T02:06:46Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Yeah, I’d think the OP hasn’t noticed other signs of a problem. Or maybe this relationship just started and this is her way of saying it’s not going to go any further. Otherwise I’d think the OP would now realize it’s not the first time she wasn’t all that thrilled with him and just the first time that he noticed, like a ‘break the glass’ moment where the fog of infatuation lifts and people see each other clearly for the first time. I don’t know, **in this case**. An autistic person can SEEM spectacularly obtuse when in reality they just didn’t get it because they didn’t know, and needed information. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/42 "2018-07-05T12:40:24Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > \*Whatever the fuck ‘goofy’ is. Don’t you mean “Pluto”?😕 ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/43 "2018-07-05T14:30:46Z")
Do you have a weird laugh? Do you repeat the “joke” over and over saying “get it? get it?” Do you laugh abut things that are cruel or tasteless and then say, “Lighten up. it was just a joke”? Do you keep laughing/making faces/bouncing around long after the funny is over? Any of these could push “goofiness” over the edge into “annoying”. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/44 "2018-07-05T14:58:19Z")
I’m having a hard time reconciling “I was acting goofy” and “I was laughing about some article on the internet”. Laughing at something, to me, isn’t “acting goofy.” ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/45 "2018-07-05T15:13:27Z")
You should have asked her why your goofiness made her feel uncomfortable. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/46 "2018-07-05T16:55:40Z")
Depends, as others have said, on what “goofy” means in this case. We have two or three friends who are great people, except that they have a habit of carrying a “joke” too far. And I’m not referring to running gags, quoting Monty Python skits or pun duels. They keep hammering on a relatively unfunny joke or even a physical harassment. When more than one of them is present, a kind of evil feedback loop will occur – sooner or later one of them will ask for extra napkins at a restaurant, and by the end of an evening in which every conversation has been interrupted by juvenile taunts of “do you want MORE napkins?” there will be a full-on napkin fight, stuffing napkins into each other’s clothing and the like. These are adults – the youngest is 31. It’s exasperatingly stupid and has all but ruined numerous outings. Yet in other circumstances these folks are quite pleasant. If THAT’S what she means by “goofy,” she could be onto something. But if she just doesn’t like your taste in LOLcats, maybe you have a point. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/47 "2018-07-05T17:27:16Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Nope. She is telling him something that she does not like. That much is fine. > > It could just as easily be “when you read poetry you kinda make me regret going into a relationship with you…”, or “when you cheer watching hockey games you kinda make me regret going into a relationship with you…” or “when you watch Doctor Who you kinda make me regret going into a relationship with you…” > > He can _consider_ changing for her. Or he can conclude that what is being called “acting goofy” is a part of who he is that he does not want to change, for her or for anyone, that his “goofiness” is part of the package. They should have a serious open conversation about it. It may simply be that they are not a great fit. Better to know that earlier than later. > > But one does not _need_ to change their personality, their interests, or their sense of humor, because a romantic partner says they do not like that aspect of you. Exactly. I was pretty surprised with the off-base posts in here as if one person gets to define how another person is supposed to “be”. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/48 "2018-07-06T00:48:06Z")
The devil is in the details and it comes down to what does “acting goofy “ mean. To use an analogy, if a partner complains about the other’s drinking, is the person simply have a glass of wine with dinner or are they getting shitfaced six times a week and are alcoholic? ---
**Author:** ![CharmaChameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@CharmaChameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CharmaChameleon)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/49 "2018-07-06T03:36:57Z")
My ex-wife used to tell me I was “goofy” all the time. Never understood it then, don’t understand it now, don’t care in the least. She’s my ex-wife, you see. (Eight years ago, “never wife” would have been a better choice on my part. Okay, I screwed that one up.) Never again. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/50 "2018-07-06T19:01:48Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > . . . > It may be passive-aggressive for her to state it like that, but it is even more passive-aggressive to feel irritated or victimized > . . . People keep using this word, I’m not sure it means what you think it means. What she did was directly and honestly confront the problem. That is the complete opposite of passive-aggressive. (Not picking on Velocity, there have been several such posts.) We may be feeling it’s PA because we are not getting a good explanation of what the OP was doing at the time. But the OP seems to know what behavior she was referring to, he just doesn’t know why it bugged her so much. > [@clairobscur](#): > > There’s nothing insulting in what she said. She told you how your behavior makes her feel, now whether you intend to change this behavior or not is up to you. > > IMO, it’s a very good thing that she would communicate her feelings in a straightforward way. I know that being very direct with your partner isn’t everybody’s cup of tea (especially in the USA) but it’s still much better than the alternative. I agree. I think many women are sensitive to childishness from their partners. In the context of an overall relationship in which he can be counted on to “man-up” and handle his share of the burdens responsibly, a little goofiness is charming. But if she has concerns about whether she’s being corralled into a “Mommy” role, it’s a lot less appealing. Or it may have been just a particular moment in which she wanted passion, or adult conversation, or had a serious issue she wanted to address, and instead was being met with hopelessly childish behavior. She wants a man, not a boy. Only the OP has enough information to know whether his goofy side is being rejected outright and completely (which would be unhealthy if it’s a side of himself that he likes) or if she’s just looking for a higher ratio of adult to childish behavior (which may be a perfectly reasonable request.) ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/51 "2018-07-06T19:26:03Z")
Dude, just keep being you. If you’re goofy, be goofy. If she expresses further disapproval toss the gauntlet and let her know that this is who you are, who you’re going to be, and that she needs to decide how “kinda” regretful she is about being with you. Also, having received similar signals in the past, be packing your 'chute because this one isn’t going to last you anywhere near the next 70 years. Trust me, there are MANY people who will dig you exactly as you are. No sense wasting your time on someone with a limited sense of humor. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2018, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/52 "2018-07-07T03:37:14Z")
It’s possible that this feeling people are getting, that she was too aggressive, might be an accident. Sometimes (often, unfortunately), making a very polite complaint to an autistic person can mean the autistic person can’t peel the “politeness wrapper” off of your statement, and therefore never figures out what you were trying to say. Being “extremely direct and specific but also kind” can be quite a difficult language trick to learn. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2018, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/53 "2018-07-07T06:01:22Z")
As you can see by the comments it could mean anything. She could be annoyed by your sense of humor. She could just be one of those blunt people who says what she thinks instead of holding back for a while to ponder the feeling. I’m like that and stuff comes out without really thinking if it’s not maybe better to keep that to myself. Luckily I’m pretty goofy myself so it all evens out. Anyway, the very best thing you can do is tell her yourself that you didn’t understand and that it kind of hurt you and see what her reaction is. I know that’s probably the last thing you want to do because the answer might not be any more satisfying and potentially uncomfortable but it needs to be done because everyone here is just wild-ass guessing. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2018, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/54 "2018-07-07T06:16:28Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I don’t find the phrase “act goofy” (as used by either the OP or his gf) to be straightforward or direct. It certainly doesn’t give me information to understand why she took offense, or what he should be more careful about next time. We don’t know what she took offense at, but I’m assuming the OP does. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2018, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/55 "2018-07-07T13:04:38Z")
It occurs to me that the girlfriend provided feedback that a lot of Nice Guys claim they wish they could get when women reject them. There really isn’t much of a difference between “I don’t want to be with you because you’re goofy” and “I have regrets being with you when you’re goofy.” The fact that the OP is confused by this and clearly hurt by it is why most women aren’t so honest. I doubt the girlfriend is the first person to point out to the OP that he’s goofy. Kids started started called me “goofy” back in the fifth grade. The word hurts, but I have come to accept that I am indeed a goofy person and that’s never going to change. I think if someone said they had regrets being with me because I’m so goofy, I’d be compelled to break things off with them. Not because that person is so awful and evil, but because if they don’t like my big ole goofy self, they don’t really like me. If anything, I think I’d want someone who was attracted to my goofiness because then I would never have to be self-conscious around them. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2018, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271/56 "2018-07-07T16:44:04Z")
I definitely look at goofiness as a positive trait. The fact that your girlfriend doesn’t like your goofy side strikes me as being problematic. Of course, we still don’t know how you were acting “goofy” and there’s a lot of questions and holes in this store that need to be answered and filled. But, on its own with no other context other than what was given in the OP, this is not a positive sign for the relationship, IMHO. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-understand-why-my-girlfriend-said-this-to-me/817271.md?page=2)