# I don't wanna have sex right now- do you?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [February 26, 2009, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484 "2009-02-26T05:38:06Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/1 "2009-02-26T05:38:06Z")
I don’t want to have sex on the first (or usually third) date, and this seems to be an issue.
The ‘common’ wisdom is that a woman decides _whether_ or not to sleep with you in the first ten minutes of meeting you, and then the only question is _when_.
In my experience, after that first ten minutes, it is either obviously yes or obviously no- and if yes, it then tends to be ‘how fast can I get him in bed’- and if I refuse, then it is ‘friend zone’ forever. Although, as my friend once stated, “The good thing about having a lot of female friends is that every so often, they throw you down some.” True that.
What (if male) is your experience? And what (if female) is yours as the decider?
ETA: Oh, and if you still “throw him down some” as friends, what’s up with that?
And if you are homo as opposed to hetero, what is the mythology/reality of attraction vs action? (ooo, might need its own thread…)
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### Author:  [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/2 "2009-02-26T06:25:57Z")
Female here.
I could never make that determination within ten minutes, no way. I mean, I can look at a guy and think “Oh yes that’s hot” but nothing beyond that. Also, just because I decide that I would sleep with a guy doesn’t mean I actually will.
For me, three dates is definitely not long enough for me sleep with someone. I don’t judge people who feel differently, I just don’t give it up that easily.
I hold to the Cher Horowitz (Clueless) idea of “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.” I’m not a virgin like she was in the movie, but I’m not giving it up to any guy I have a few dates with, either.
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### Author:  [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/3 "2009-02-26T08:04:13Z")
> [@gurujulp](#):
>
> I don’t want to have sex on the first (or usually third) date, and this seems to be an issue.
So the second date is OK?
Honestly, if there weren’t _some_ kind of action after three dates I’d feel like I was wasting my time.
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### Author:  [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/4 "2009-02-26T08:52:27Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#):
>
> So the second date is OK?
>
> Honestly, if there weren’t _some_ kind of action after three dates I’d feel like I was wasting my time.
That sounds fast, why so fast? Not judging, just… um, confused (limited experience, ya know?) How about a month?
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### Author:  [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/5 "2009-02-26T09:06:50Z")
If a guy thinks he’s going to get in my pants in under two months, he has
…seriously misapprehended who I am or
…doesn’t care and/or
…has a raging ego and
…feels waaaayyyy more entitled to my trust than he deserves.
Seriously, after three dates I barely know you. I sure as hell don’t trust you yet.
On the plus side, it weeds out the assholes and shitheads pretty fast.
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### Author:  [@Mk\_VII](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mk_VII)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/6 "2009-02-26T10:35:32Z")
They can probably make up their minds to say ‘no way’ within ten minutes. Making up their minds to say ‘yes’ will take rather longer.
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### Author:  [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/7 "2009-02-26T10:41:13Z")
> [@Mk\_VII](#):
>
> They can probably make up their minds to say ‘no way’ within ten minutes. Making up their minds to say ‘yes’ will take rather longer.
Agree. I know the people I definitely won’t go further with almost instantly. The ones I will takes longer to figure out. It’s not a looks thing either - men who are as attractive in real life as their photographs can still hit the instant no list in person. I blame pheromones.
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### Author:  [@EpicNonsense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EpicNonsense)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/8 "2009-02-26T10:55:14Z")
It’s usually decided in the first hour or so between both of us, but isn’t actually spoken out, but in body language it is. It’s just a matter of “How can we get away with this as inconspicuously as possible”… The longer we have to wait to _accomplish_ things just heats things up more…
If I’m not dating the girl it doesn’t need to be of public knowledge what is going on. I don’t like the idea of people seeing you together once and automatically assuming you’ll always be together, or whatever. It’s like seeing someone smoke a cigarette, you automatically assume they are a smoker because you’ve seen them smoking - not always the case.
I just like to the route that has less or no drama involved.
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### Author:  [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/9 "2009-02-26T11:28:23Z")
You know, this is true.
Every guy I’ve slept with, I’ve pretty much thought “I’m gonna sleep with that guy” within a few minutes of meeting him. Even if there was still a courtship phase, I still kind of always knew how it was going to turn out. Not that I get my way 100% of the time or anything. Just, when it does happen, it’s rarely a surprise. I knew it was gonna happen from the beginning.
I’m a little choosy, and so when those bells do start ringing with someone, I don’t usually make things difficult just to be difficult. If it’s gonna happen anyway, it might as well happen tonight, right?
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### Author:  [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/10 "2009-02-26T12:19:23Z")
After ten minutes, all I know is whether I find you sexually attractive, _based on knowing you for ten minutes_. Just because you pass the sniff test doesn’t mean that we’re on an inevitable path to naked fun time. Trust me, there’s still plenty you can say or do to change my mind.
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### Author:  [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/11 "2009-02-26T12:22:24Z")
> [@gurujulp](#):
>
> **I don’t wanna have sex right now- do you**?
Your place or mine?
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### Author:  [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/12 "2009-02-26T12:38:05Z")
So I guess seven years is okay then? It didn’t seem that long.
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### Author:  [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/13 "2009-02-26T12:39:06Z")
Time flies when you’re having fun.
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### Author:  [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/14 "2009-02-26T13:21:22Z")
> [@DianaG](#):
>
> After ten minutes, all I know is whether I find you sexually attractive, _based on knowing you for ten minutes_. Just because you pass the sniff test doesn’t mean that we’re on an inevitable path to naked fun time. Trust me, there’s still plenty you can say or do to change my mind.
It’s been XX years since our dance in Newport, have you decided yet? 😕
I still have the Summer Whites, if it matters 😉
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### Author:  [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/15 "2009-02-26T14:50:34Z")
> [@gurujulp](#):
>
> . Although, as my friend once stated, “The good thing about having a lot of female friends is that every so often, they throw you down some.” True that.
>
> …)
(Snip)
I don’t know what planet you live on but I want to live there.
Anyway, I’m willing to wait one or two months for a girl _as long as she tells me what the deal is._ If you keep me guessing after the third date; I wont be calling you for a fourth one.
This philosophy is tempered with the fact that I’m pushing 40 and I really don’t care to pussy-foot around.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/16 "2009-02-26T15:30:25Z")
> [@SHAKES](#):
>
> Anyway, I’m willing to wait one or two months for a girl _as long as she tells me what the deal is._ If you keep me guessing after the third date; I wont be calling you for a fourth one.
What does that mean, though? If she’s accepted (or proposed) a third date, that indicates interest. On the other hand, women know about the idiot ‘third date rule’ as well, and if they dread having to make that decision (because they aren’t experienced, have had bad experiences, are having their periods, etc.) or sense a guy getting restless, they may try to put it off or drop him altogether rather than have him dump them when he doesn’t get some by the relationship’s assigned expiry date or pressure them into something they aren’t ready for.
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### Author:  [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/17 "2009-02-26T15:56:33Z")
Yes I do. A benefit of being gay is that, generally speaking, men are easy.
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### Author:  [@Camelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Camelot)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/18 "2009-02-26T16:20:05Z")
Female here.
Ten minutes? No. Hour? Absolutely. But if I’m going to sleep with you, it’s going to be on the first date or never.
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### Author:  [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/19 "2009-02-26T16:23:23Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#):
>
> On the other hand, women know about the idiot ‘third date rule’ as well, and if they dread having to make that decision (because they aren’t experienced, have had bad experiences, are having their periods, etc.) or sense a guy getting restless, they may try to put it off or drop him altogether rather than have him dump them when he doesn’t get some by the relationship’s assigned expiry date or pressure them into something they aren’t ready for.
He didn’t say “3rd date- put out or get out”, he said he’d want some kind of explaination. If you’ve got some deal, explain yourself. If you aren’t ready yet, tell him. It’s never to early in a relationship for honest and open communication. Then you can figure out together if you guys want the same thing out a relationship. You can expect your partner to wait patiently indefinitely for something without explaining yourself (be it sex, be it commitment…)
Sex isn’t something men want and women grudgingly give up when the feel like rewarding the guy. It’s something most people want in a relationship. It’s not unreasonable to want to know if it’s going to happen in the near future.
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### Author:  [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/20 "2009-02-26T16:27:30Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#):
>
> What does that mean, though? If she’s accepted (or proposed) a third date, that indicates interest. On the other hand, women know about the idiot ‘third date rule’ as well, and if they dread having to make that decision (because they aren’t experienced, have had bad experiences, are having their periods, etc.) or sense a guy getting restless, they may try to put it off or drop him altogether rather than have him dump them when he doesn’t get some by the relationship’s assigned expiry date or pressure them into something they aren’t ready for.
**SHAKES** didn’t say anything about the third date rule. He said he’s willing to wait for a month or two, but don’t keep him guessing beyond the third date.
Meaning, no, you don’t have to have sex on the third date, but there should at least be some indication that things are (eventually) going to progress beyond first base by that point.
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