# I don't wanna have sex right now- do you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2009, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484 "2009-02-26T05:38:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/81 "2009-02-27T17:56:55Z")
39, Male. Generally, I’m all for having sex asap in a relationship. The reason I’m dating you is because I think you’re hot and I’d like to get some. However… There is something to be said about getting to know someone, falling for them, and _then_ doing the naughty. This just happened with me in my current relationship. I was dating this gal for about 2 months before we took the next step. We came close a couple times but she was the one that throttled back and I agreed. We even slept together on couches and in a bed once without _sleeping_ together. I fell in love with her during this time. The sex after that was incredible - the best in my life. It’s not just that the physical part was better, but the passion and the pillow talk and every aspect of the whole experience was, like, wayyy better than any first time I’ve experienced before. Oh, and it lasted all night because we both wanted it to. We could communicate and share thoughts and that made it all the better. So, yeah, it was worth the wait. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/82 "2009-02-27T17:59:27Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > I’ve heard people talk about ‘sexual compatibility’, but nobody’s ever said what that actually _is_. Somebody want to explain to me? When she takes off her top and you step on her nipple. That’s not compatible for me. Or if she has swamp bottom. Not gonna want some of that. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/83 "2009-02-27T18:13:32Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Really? I truly hope that works out for you, and I hope that you meet enough guys that are persistant enough for you to find out. But for me, if I’ve spent seven hours with a woman, and I still don’t get a clear indication of whether or not she’s into me, then I’ve wasted about 6.5 hours of my life. > > And like I’ve said before, the seven hour rule is not really a rule with me, but I’ve found it to be consistantly true. Really. And in the years I’ve been dating it’s **rarely** been a problem. When the guy does have a problem with it, he can happily go on his way. He’ll be able to move on with a girl who is more compatible and I’ll move on to someone as well. Too many fish in the sea to worry about that. I haven’t stopped and thought about every one to give a clear total, but I’ve been on two dates with at least 75 guys since I’ve been 16. If I wasn’t physically attracted to them, I wouldn’t have even gone on _one_ date with them, so it isn’t a matter of not being attracted. I’m just not going to sleep with every guy I find attractive. ---
**Author:** ![RedRosesForMe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/91b2a8/32.png) [@RedRosesForMe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedRosesForMe)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/84 "2009-02-27T18:19:17Z")
> [@Uncommon\_Sense](#): > > Or if she has swamp bottom. Not gonna want some of that. Please, what is swamp bottom? My imagination is running wild, and urban dictionary’s got nothin’. (I’m afraid to google it) ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/85 "2009-02-27T18:25:34Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I haven’t stopped and thought about every one to give a clear total, but I’ve been on two dates with at least 75 guys since I’ve been 16. If I wasn’t physically attracted to them, I wouldn’t have even gone on _one_ date with them, so it isn’t a matter of not being attracted. I’m just not going to sleep with every guy I find attractive. Jesus. You’re like the anti-Gene Simmons. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/86 "2009-02-27T18:31:22Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Really. And in the years I’ve been dating it’s **rarely** been a problem. If that’s been working out for you, then great. You probably don’t have a lot of “What the hell did I just do?!?” moments. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/87 "2009-02-27T18:42:00Z")
> [@RedRosesForMe](#): > > Please, what is swamp bottom? My imagination is running wild, and urban dictionary’s got nothin’. (I’m afraid to google it) It’s a made up term. Use your imagination. Think along these lines…overly hairy…non-showered…on the rag (not always bad in and of itself)…doesn’t wipe well and/or is incontinent…semen from last date still evident… you get the picture. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/88 "2009-02-27T18:43:39Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > If that’s been working out for you, then great. You probably don’t have a lot of “What the hell did I just do?!?” moments. Or the equally stunning “Why the hell did I just do that?!?!” ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/89 "2009-02-27T18:48:31Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Well, if you can’t get off unless your partner/victim is tied up and covered in hot wax drippings, you are probably not sexually compatible with, say, a nun. > > Or, if you can only get it up in the morning and she’s only horny at night. Stuff like that. Seems to me that those issues can be satisfied by simply talking about it. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/90 "2009-02-27T18:57:40Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > Seems to me that those issues can be satisfied by simply talking about it. Or, of course, if it takes you an hour to come, and she is too sensitive after ten minutes, or vice versa. Or any of a number of possible conflicts, both physical and mental. Whether someone would even want to try to change their sexual desires to compromise with a partner is an even larger issue. In most of my experience, talking it over can indeed fix it- but a lot of people don’t usually want to have those conversations _before_ the first interaction- they will just drop out if it isn’t quite what they are into. And while I am open to talking about just about everything, though I hate to admit it, there are times I too have just faded away after a not great experience. Wasn’t bad, just wasn’t what it could be, and I wasn’t interested enough in the long term at the time to want to train them or myself in new and different ways. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/91 "2009-02-27T19:03:10Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > Seems to me that those issues can be satisfied by simply talking about it. That’s great unless there’s a partner who refuses to talk about it. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/92 "2009-02-27T19:08:32Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > That’s great unless there’s a partner who refuses to talk about it. A partner who refuses to discuss his/her sexual preferences/appetites is sexually incompatible with everyone. Anyway, you can’t just “talk things out” every time. If you genuinely are into bondage/puppies/swinging, and your partner has a genuine fear of ropes/dogs/wife-swapping or something, the shit just ain’t gonna work. ---
**Author:** ![EdwardMartinIII](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@EdwardMartinIII](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EdwardMartinIII)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/93 "2009-02-27T19:47:06Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > Call me a slut/whore/sociopath/whatever but I personally don’t feel restricting who I have sex with makes it necessarily any better. Starvation economy, man! If access to sex is restricted, sex becomes more valuable. Trouble is, practically \*anyone \*can have sex. Soooo, the next thing you do is try to convince people that sex that’s \*easy to get \*has less value, or that sex that’s hard to get has some intrinsic value. Like water. Water’s easy to get and pretty much most water’s just fine. If I came to you and said "Pay me four dollars for this cup of water, you’d laugh in my face. But, if I managed to convince you that this was Special Water, that this was Previously Untouched Water From A Glacier, that this water had been Certified Way Cool, and I carbonated it a bit and sprinkled some berry juice in it, I might get your four bucks. And you’d get some water, a fine story and a little fruit flavoring, plus you’d be on my marketing email list forever. ---
**Author:** ![EdwardMartinIII](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@EdwardMartinIII](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EdwardMartinIII)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/94 "2009-02-27T19:54:36Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > Seems to me that those issues can be satisfied by simply talking about it. Well, a few things can’t be talked out. In those cases, best to figure it out and either accept it as a klunker in the relationship or move on to fing One True Love that has even-sized ears. For example (to callback from an older thread), sleep-cuddling level should be approximately equal. That’s an unconscious thing. Can’t control that. But I agree, in general, a lot of stuff can be talked out or worked around by adults who are interested in remaining in a relationship where the klunk is an issue. ---
**Author:** ![MannyL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/95 "2009-02-28T19:23:10Z")
Ok I’m “involved” now with a woman. I enjoy the time we spend together but we weren’t making the beast with two backs after our 3rd date. I admit to being the timid one because I was afraid of rejection but now that I’m on the same page as her it’s great. She almost had to throw herself at me for me to get the idea that she was into me and I’m glad I was able to finally get a clue. I’ve found (from my pov) the sex has gotten better the closer we have become because I have to feel some connection to a woman to have sex with her. I’ll admit the first time we were together I wasn’t able to put tab p into slot v because I couldn’t perform because I didn’t feel that “connection” but because of other things I was able to do she didn’t just throw me out of bed. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/96 "2009-02-28T19:57:05Z")
My point was that by discussing it you can find out if you’re incompatible without having awkward sex, not that you would change your turn-ons. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/97 "2009-02-28T23:01:22Z")
This is the dating world I’m going to re-enter soon? :dubious: Celibacy’s looking better all the time. This thread is depressing as hell. \ ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/98 "2009-02-28T23:08:09Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > My point was that by discussing it you can find out if you’re incompatible without having awkward sex, not that you would change your turn-ons. Well, _slightly_ awkward sex is part and parcel- what are you gonna laugh about later? > [@eleanorigby](#): > > This is the dating world I’m going to re-enter soon? :dubious: > > Celibacy’s looking better all the time. This thread is depressing as hell. \ What part is depressing? Seriously- I wanna know. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/99 "2009-02-28T23:16:11Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Actually, the acid test for me is the boobie test. If, at the end of date 3, if you haven’t invited me to grope your boobies, then I’m wasting my time. How on earth does one “invite” a guy to grope her boobies? _**The Honour of Your Groping Is Requested At the Boobies Of Miss Jean Marie Hufnagel**_ ? ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484/100 "2009-02-28T23:51:43Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Celibacy’s looking better all the time. This thread is depressing as hell. Great, isn’t it? Whenever the concept of lifelong solitude is bringing me down I can count on the SDMB to make me see the bright side. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dont-wanna-have-sex-right-now-do-you/487484.md?page=6)