# I dreamed of the Periodic Table **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 10, 2019, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290 "2019-06-10T10:48:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/1 "2019-06-10T10:48:39Z")
So the Periodic Table came alive and narrated to me, in tinny monologue, all that is wrong with human organization of elements. Many elements have been mischaracterized. Relationships have been misjudged, elementary common sense ignored. The PT asks that we non-scientists display an iron will in taking this matter to the attention of the mercurial science community, so justice may at last be served. Hydrogen considers himself superior. He looks down upon everybody, especially his neighbor Lithium, for being manufactured in such poor quantities in the BB. Helium is actually female, and would like to be called Shelium. Boron would like to inform you that he is quite lively, and definitely not a bore under standard conditions. Carbon’s neighbors would like to evict him from his place at 6, Periodic Table Dr. Apparently he soots up their windows, and is considered promiscuous, pairing up with almost anybody and creating complex organic goo that creeps up their windows. Nitrogen vehemently rejected her ‘inert gas’ classification, pointing out that she is the primary component of many explosives. She thinks it’s because she plays no role in human metabolism? Fluorine is a dashing, highly active guy (you know what I mean) but somehow can’t get the cute girl next door, Neon, she of the glowing red hair, to sleep with him. He thinks he needs an additional electron or two. There is a near-unanimous demand for sulfur and chlorine to be relocated far far away due to the smell. Arsenic was furious with the jerk who named her thus, and swore that she would sow poison in human lives as long as she lives. Gold was kind, gentle and calm. She requests that humans quit chasing her. She is just another element. In fact she has anomalies with some of her electrons. She wonders why people don’t value the suave, polished Chromium more. Lead came across as dumb and inert. Definitely not made to lead anything, and he doesn’t know or care. Polonium would like to be left out of international political assassinations, please. Mercury would like to know how his name came to be associated with unpredictable changeability. He feels this is humans imposing their character upon him. He claimed to be slightly radioactive and a good candidate for nuclear fission. He is proud of his spot in the PT, which shows how stable he is, and not radioactive or anything. Plutonium spoke in a deep baritone. He lives in a harsh, violent neighborhood. He claims to have friends far heavier than him, far more fissile and dangerous. He is considered a liar, dangerous and of explosive temperament by those around him, none of them paragons of virtue themselves. He is amused humans play with him as often as they do. One little mistake, he warns, and… Beyond this, the dream faded; my memory is not exactly diamond-quality anymore. Undoubtedly the PT has spoken to others; if you are one of those, please deposit your secret knowledge here. Together we shall do justice to the elements. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/2 "2019-06-10T11:54:51Z")
Too soon. I Had a friends die on the PT. We had to Barium. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/3 "2019-06-10T12:29:15Z")
Be careful here, you might get sued by [DC Comics](https://www.cosmicteams.com/cosmic/metalmen.html). (I own _Metal Men_ #1. 🙂 In less-than-pristine condition. :() ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/4 "2019-06-10T13:25:31Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > So the Periodic Table came alive and narrated to me, in tinny monologue, all that is wrong with human organization of elements. Many elements have been mischaracterized. Relationships have been misjudged, elementary common sense ignored. The PT asks that we non-scientists display an iron will in taking this matter to the attention of the mercurial science community, so justice may at last be served. Thanks for your post; it improved my morning. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/5 "2019-06-10T13:56:59Z")
At least you had an interesting dream. I only dreamed of Manderley last night. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/6 "2019-06-10T18:47:51Z")
I’ve heard of lucid dreaming, never knew there was elemental dreaming. ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/7 "2019-06-10T20:16:23Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > I’ve heard of lucid dreaming, never knew there was elemental dreaming. Maybe it was the magnesium I took last night? ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/8 "2019-06-10T21:00:07Z")
Do you mind? I’m trying to listen to some Pb Zeppelin! ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/9 "2019-06-10T21:27:23Z")
Help, I can’t breathe! ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/10 "2019-06-10T21:39:39Z")
> [@ftg](#): > > Be careful here, you might get sued by [DC Comics](https://www.cosmicteams.com/cosmic/metalmen.html). > > (I own _Metal Men_ #1. 🙂 In less-than-pristine condition. :() So might Marvel and they’ve got the money to hire the lawyers to make it hurt. [Elements of Doom](https://comicvine.gamespot.com/elements-of-doom/4060-55855/) ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/11 "2019-06-10T21:43:05Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Do you mind? I’m trying to listen to some Pb Zeppelin! I Zn you have a problem. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/12 "2019-06-10T22:15:03Z")
Au that glitters is not gold. Or is it? ---
**Author:** ![Marine\_One](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/marine_one/32/3461_2.png) [@Marine\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marine_One)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/13 "2019-06-10T22:59:23Z")
IKEA makes several good Periodic Tables. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2019, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/14 "2019-06-10T23:51:49Z")
I was too young to vote for AuH[sub]2[/sub]O. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/15 "2019-06-11T02:15:13Z")
Ah, burpo, that’s a nugget, right there. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/16 "2019-06-11T05:46:53Z")
Back off, Woman! He’s MINE! ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/17 "2019-06-11T06:16:01Z")
My dream was more visual, Sodium and Chlorine flung themselves at each other like love denied a thousand years. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/18 "2019-06-11T09:07:57Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > Nitrogen vehemently rejected her ‘inert gas’ classification, pointing out that she is the primary component of many explosives. She thinks it’s because she plays no role in human metabolism? Nitrogen is absolutely essential to metabolism, being part of the “amino” in “aminoacids” (the bricks from which proteins are built) and also of the bases in DNA and RNA (the blueprints of life). Reminds me of those people who “don’t know where their money went”, but with time: “I have no idea what are all those atoms of mine doing inside living creatures! No idea, I tell you!” Or maybe it’s a case of “it’s all society’s fault, your Lordship; I never took part in any mutations.” ---
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/19 "2019-06-11T09:12:33Z")
I’ve always thought the periodic table is a wonderful insight into the way humans operate. 1. We begin to understand chemistry and the natural world. 2. As understanding increases, we sort the elements based on atomic number, and order them into a table. 3. We notice some missing elements in our table. 4. Build giant multi-billion dollar supercolliders to create these elements. If the natural world doesn’t match the table, then we alter the world – cause we sure as hell aren’t changing our paperwork! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2019, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290/20 "2019-06-11T09:14:53Z")
To be fair, there was a 3.5: we search high and low until we find naturally-occurring samples of those “missing elements”. A lot of the missing elements (such as most [lanthanoids](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lanthanide)) didn’t need multi-billion dollar supercolliders, just a bit of digging about and an improvement to purification techniques. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-dreamed-of-the-periodic-table/835290.md?page=2)