# "I expect you to die, Mr. Bond" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 29, 2000, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784 "2000-05-29T05:15:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2000, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/21 "2000-05-30T23:22:57Z")
Oooh. Vincent Price would have been good. Ian McKellin would be good. Heck, there are so many actors not being used. Oh, I always thought David Niven played Bond in Casino Royale? Actress… Hm. Kate Mulgrew? I dunno. ---
**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/22 "2000-05-31T00:14:09Z")
Actress - Kathy Bates. First off, you know she can play the psychotic (Misery) and it also lets you put a nasty kink in the ‘all women are beautiful’ aspect of Bond films. Or you could make her Bonds spy partner (Not Bond Girl though) (And have her actually survive) for a really nasty twist. Actor - Voice of James Earl Jones, the villian is a Rogue AI. Everyone thinks it is a person, and even the audience doesn’t know until the end. Everyone deals with **Mr. Big** via video phone or similar, and the AI generates the image used. ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/23 "2000-05-31T03:51:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Brian Blessed would be spectacular. > > I’d like to add: > Jeremy Irons > Sam Neill > Jurgen Prochnow (already has the accent!) > Jon Voight (remember when he could act, like in _Runaway Train_?) > Frank Langella (who played Dawg Brown in _Cutthroat Island_, one of my all-time favorite movie villains). > > \*\* I’ll second Jeremy Irons and Sam Neill in particular. I was going to post Irons in my previous post, just because I associate him with the Rickman and the Die Hard series. And Neill’s already played the epitome of all evil, so why not? ---
**Author:** ![MagicalSilverKey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@MagicalSilverKey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicalSilverKey)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/24 "2000-05-31T04:07:36Z")
I like the Lucy Lawless idea… here is another I came up with John Lithgow (He is too good at being bad! \* Raising Cain, Footloose,etc\* ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/25 "2000-05-31T04:28:15Z")
How about that kid from _Sixth Sense_? Now that would be interesting… “I see dead people…and you will soon be one of them, Mr. Bond! Bwaaa-ha-ha!!” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/26 "2000-05-31T17:41:42Z")
Some really good suggestions here that have already been mentioned: Oliver Reed. Too bad he’s dead. Vincent Price. Wonderful campy actor. Ian McClelland. He’s alive and I can picture dastardly deeds from him. Gary Oldman - Loved him as the bad guy in Airforce One. Jack Nicholson would be good, probably too good.He’d take over the plot like he did with Batman: The First Debacle. Kathy Bates would be fabulous as an evil woman. What about Kathleen Turner. She’s not doing much of anything these days but Burger King voice overs. Lauren Bacall, for some reason, comes to mind. It’s the voice. Tina Turner, too. Voice, legs, body. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/27 "2000-05-31T17:48:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > How about that kid from _Sixth Sense_? Now that would be interesting… > > “I see dead people…and you will soon be one of them, Mr. Bond! Bwaaa-ha-ha!!” > \*\* :::snort:::: ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/28 "2000-05-31T17:49:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > How about that kid from _Sixth Sense_? Now that would be interesting… > > “I see dead people…and you will soon be one of them, Mr. Bond! Bwaaa-ha-ha!!” > \*\* :::snort:::: Ohhhh, I know the total representation of pure evil: That girl from the Pepsi Commercials. Now that is scary. ---
**Author:** ![Ceejaytee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ceejaytee/32/2956_2.png) [@Ceejaytee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ceejaytee)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/29 "2000-05-31T19:05:50Z")
Female villains: Kathy Bates Tina Turner (she could also sing the theme song) Sigourney Weaver Lucy Lawless Dame Judi Dench (so she’s M, so what? She could kick his butt) Linda Hamilton, with Terminator 2 muscles Angela Basset, with Tina Turner muscles Male villains: Roger Moore, Sean Connery and Timothy Dalton, acting together Samuel L. Jackson Mike Meyers as Austin Powers Dana Carvey, master of disguise Harrison Ford (he _needs_ to play a bad guy) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2000, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/30 "2000-05-31T20:03:33Z")
CeeJay…I too agree with you on the Harrison Ford needing to be a bad guy. Samuel Jackson or Lawrence Fishburne would be my picks as the brothers vs. Bond. HOW COULD WE FORGET THIS GREAT ACTOR: TIM CURRY! I just woke up from a nap and I swear on all that is groovy, that I dreamed of what would be the next Bond collaberation: Muppets & 007. Wouldn’t _that_be a kick! Bond could team up with the Muppets to save the Universe that is being threatened by, say, Dabney Coleman or …oh! John Lithgow. Miss Piggy could be the utimate Bond Girl. Excuse me while I whip up a script and send it to the Bond Team and the Muppet Head Quarters. (Naturally I have this damn song " Why are there so many songs about rainbows" in my head, which is absolutely not a 007 song at all!) ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/31 "2000-06-01T01:17:47Z")
_recovers from smeghead’s sixth sense comment_ Gary Oldman (my all-time fave bad-guy) Russel Crowe (with those eyes? hell yeah!) Gabrielle Byrne (we need a gritty bad guy) ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/32 "2000-06-01T03:42:19Z")
That young blond guy from NBC’s “The Others” would be mildly interesting, just because he’s unlike what we’ve seen before–give Bond a young, pretty enemy for a change. I don’t know his name–wait, I’m on the 'net, I’ll look it up. …doo-du-doo… Gabriel Macht, apparently. Yep, there’s my out-of-left field vote for a Bond villain actor. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2000, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/33 "2000-06-01T03:47:02Z")
You know, reading Foolsguinea’s post made me giggle and then wonder of just how close that post was to his stream of consciousness posting could be. I now cannot get the jeaopardy tune out of my head. Thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2000, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/34 "2000-06-02T17:40:39Z")
I think the guy who plays the X-Files Cigarette Smoking Man would make an interesting foil for Bond. Connery of course would be very interesting. Samuel Jackson? “Shaft versus Bond; can you dig it?” Gary Oldman always does a great bad guy, even if the movie isn’t that great–Lost in Space, The Professional, Fifth Element, Air Force One… As for people you’d like to see whomped on Bond style… What’s Slick Willie doing after January 2001? Hillary seems right for the job too… Roseanne? The Spice Girls? Ricky Martin with the lethal, exploding bon-bon? “Look out James, it can’t maintain structural integrity much longer!” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2000, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/35 "2000-06-02T18:11:49Z")
Thought of another fella who’d make a great Bond villain: Armand Assante. If he doesn’t come to mind right away, here’s some credits: Odysseus in the TV movie _The Odyssey_, Rico in _Judge Dredd_, Ned Ravine in _Fatal Instinct_ (the _Basic Instinct_ / _Fatal Attraction_-based comedy they show on Comedy Central periodically). I first saw him in the _Jack the Ripper_ TV movie back in the late 80s. He does ‘menacing’ very well. ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2000, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/36 "2000-06-04T04:33:25Z")
That kid who won this year’s National Spelling Bee and came in second in the National Geography Bee… or perhaps some certified super genius, on the condition that _they_ write the script (I’m sick of Hollywood slacker portayals of geniuses) WAIT!!! CECIL! He’s love it! At last we’d get a plot that made factual sense. He’s already got the sidekicks and goons -er- moderators. Too bad JillGat’s not a moderator anymore. She’d get a kick out of it too. I can imagine an Evil Eutychus, and… well, the rest is left as an exercise for the student! “Actually, Mr. Bond, the candiru rarely swims up the urethra but in your case, we’ll make an exception.” * * * BTW, in Casino Royale, David Niven (not Larry Niven, as I thought as a child) played Sir James Bond, while Woody Allen played ‘Jimmy Bond’/Dr. Noah ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2000, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/37 "2000-06-09T03:19:51Z")
KP: Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Good one. I can’t believe I proposed the Sixth Sense kid and forgot the kid that played Anakin! “Golly, Mr. Bond. Killing you will be wizard! Wheeee!!” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2000, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/38 "2000-06-09T07:53:58Z")
or I might have rushed right in and identified Woody Allen’s role in _Casino Royale_, oblivious of the fact that KP had already done so. I wasn’t really sure if **London Calling** was yanking our chains or if he really was unaware that Woody Allen has already been a Bond villain. I gotta go Ukulele Ike one better, though, in calling for an end to the franchise. IMHO (to coin a phrase), once _Casino Royale_ was in the can, the entire Bond _ouevre_ was rendered obsolescent and redundant. It was the only film in the whole shebang that was worth a damn. Continuing to make Bond movies was as senseless (from a standpoint of what the human race actually required for continued existence), as if Hollywood had insisted on releasing _Blazing Saddles II_. Ya don’t add new brush strokes to Van Gogh’s _Sunflowers_. Ya don’t tack on an oboe cadenza to Brian Wilson’s _Good Vibrations_. Ya don’t illuminate the Slug Signorino illustrations for the latest reprint of _The Triumph of The Straight Dope_. And ya don’t keep churning out Bond flicks when perfection has been achieved, **especially** when the director has given you a five-megaton excuse to kill the Limey off. My last humble opinion for this post: If Hollywood had really felt the mind-bending, soul-stretching _need_ to throw the creations of Ian Fleming up on a screen, well, let me just say that the world would be a much better place if I had a Special Collectors Edition boxed set of the _Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang_ series (films one through twenty-seven, including the director’s cut edition of the original). ---
**Author:** ![Greyson3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/258eb7/32.png) [@Greyson3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greyson3)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2000, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/39 "2000-06-09T18:38:49Z")
Aw, come on. One last spin, then we’ll throw in the towel. The villains can be: Gary Coleman, the bitter child star with revenge on his mind, Mary Kate & Ashley, the promiscuous but evil twins, that nasty Old Navy hag and her mangy dog Magic, and of course, Gilbert Gottfried, about whom I need not say more. Instead of a hot chick as his sidekick, Bond should be assisted by a loud and obnoxious Will Smith in drag. Who wouldn’t pay $8.50 to see it? On second thought, don’t answer that. ---
**Author:** ![Triangleman41](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/96bed5/32.png) [@Triangleman41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triangleman41)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2000, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-expect-you-to-die-mr-bond/20784/40 "2000-06-09T19:04:44Z")
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