# I feel guilty - my SO is sick **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2000, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350 "2000-12-13T14:14:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/1 "2000-12-13T14:14:28Z")
I feel really bad about it, but I have no patience with my husband who is very sick with a bad cold or the flu. He’s just so friggin’ _whiny_. He’s coughing constantly, which makes his head hurt very badly. I bought him Nyquil, antihistimines for his runny nose, aspirin, a new box of Kleenex, orange juice, tomato juice, and 3 kinds of soup. It’s like an act of Congress just to get him to sip one glass of juice! He won’t let me make an appointment for the doctor, he won’t eat anything, he’s barely drinking anything. It’s so frustrating! So I get mad at him. I haven’t actually yelled at him, but I’m close to it. A little background info: He has congestive heart failure, which causes him to retain fluid in his lungs. On a good day he can’t breathe very well, and this is making it a hundred times worse. I’m worried he may have (or get) pneumonia. I don’t know what to do with this stubborn, doctor-hating man. If he doesn’t want to do something, he won’t. I can’t MAKE him do anything. I did nag him enough that he drank a glass of juice last night, but he about bit my head off for my trouble. Thanks for listening… ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/2 "2000-12-13T14:17:35Z")
You didn’t kill him and throw him down a well… ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/3 "2000-12-13T14:27:57Z")
Well, that’s true… although it has crossed my mind. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/4 "2000-12-13T14:32:05Z")
And we all know how a man’s cold is _so_ much worse than anybody else’s. :rolleyes: Tell him to take something or to shut the hell up. If he can’t be bothered to do something about his cold, then he has no right to whine. Well, ok, so that’s something I would do. Surprisingly enough, I’ve never been mistaken for Florence Nightingale. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/5 "2000-12-13T14:32:18Z")
When’s your next solar eclipse? ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/6 "2000-12-13T14:34:58Z")
I feel your pain, Dolores. My dad has asthma. And many many allergies. And is overweight. Which compounds the asthma problem. He _will not_ change his diet, exercise (he is capable of talking walks, for instance-- he’s not an invalid), or do much else to take care of himself. So when he gets sick and whines like your Mr. Claiborne, it drives my mom (and me, when I was living there) right up the wall. He, too, avoids doctors at all cost, aside from his biweekly allergy shots. The only way I’ve figured out myself to deal with it is pulling back a bit and realizing that he’s a grown-up and I can’t feel responsible for his health choices. I also understand your worry that what he has now will get worse. I hate even typing this, but I have visions of my dad having a heart attack before too long and there’s nothing at all I can do to stop it. So no advice, really, other than maybe telling him your concerns and resigning from your position as Juice Cop… maybe he’ll come around if you refuse to take sole responsiblity for making him well. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/7 "2000-12-13T14:53:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ChiefScott \* > \*\*When’s your next solar eclipse? \*\* Now, now. It’s not that bad! LOL! Besides, we don’t have a well nearby. (Damn that was funny! It took me a minute to get your reference. Duh!) ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/8 "2000-12-13T14:56:54Z")
Rosebud- Thanks for the thoughts of a kindred spirit… It always feels better to know you’re not alone. I hope your Dad has a change of heart for his lifestyle. ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/9 "2000-12-13T15:35:03Z")
I was starting to get really pissed about the fact that my husband was two-timing me and was also married to you. However, the heart failure doesn’t match, so I guess it _is_ a different guy. What kills me is the way my husband groans when he is sick. I get sick more often and it takes me longer to get well. I suck it up, however. He will _literally_ groan as if he is in too much agony to go on living. I don’t think I made as much noise in labor. It really come close to pushing me over the edge sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Pinky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@Dr.Pinky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Pinky)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/10 "2000-12-13T15:56:34Z")
My grandfather came over here from Norway in time for the Depression. (Nice timing, Gramps.) He always used to say, “You go to the hospital twice - once to be born, once to die. Are you planning on dying?” He was born at home - in the barn, actually. My Dad picked this attitude up. I didn’t get to go to the hospital unless bones were actually protruding outside of my skin (except for that time my cousins cut my wrist with the electric trolling motor.) When I would go in, for a major trauma, (mostly involving motorcycle accidents, but there were a few others - involving poorly designed experiments with electricity and falling out of buildings) the Doctor would invariably do something to worsen my condition. To put the brakes on this imminent hijack, let me say that there are good reasons to be wary of doctors, there are paranoid reasons to be wary of doctors, and never trust any advice dispensed from a doctor named Pinky. (The spousal unit has come down with the tummy virus me & Izzy had the pleasure of making our acquaintence with this weekend, after specifically being instructed in the 2 laws of the universe. 1: The leader must not fall. B. The mama must not get sick.) We have soup, and chamomille tea, which she won’t want for the next 8 hours. Sick spouses - remember, you’re not allowed to actually strike them. (Even if she did beat you in a game of Scrabble when you used all 7 letters on a triple word score argh). You are allowed to take them to the hospital against their will. Some people, that’s the only way they get to the hospital. When Izzy was really sick last Christmas, (was 2, running a 105 temp) and had to go into the hospital for a couple days, he did not want to go. He did not get a vote. Same thing with husbands. We got issues with authority, hospitals are full of sick people, (and spread disease) but HEY! If I have some bones sticking out, or punctured lung or railroad spike perforating my cranium, as spousal unit, you get final veto power. If they argue, give them another hour until they’re weak and helpless. Excuse me, I’ve got to go make some rose hip tea. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/11 "2000-12-13T16:25:25Z")
> [@](#): > > What kills me is the way my husband groans when he is sick. I get sick more often and it takes me longer to get well. I suck it up, however. He will literally groan as if he is in too much agony to go on living. I don’t think I made as much noise in labor. It really come close to pushing me over the edge sometimes. Polygamy must be legal in Michigan. 😃 This is my husband. I’ve occasionally even had to come right out & tell him “listen, if you aren’t going to take the drugs and just _try_ to do something to make yourself feel better, I have no sympathy for you. None.” Like to drive me nuts, it does! ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/12 "2000-12-13T16:43:02Z")
:quote: What kills me is the way my husband groans when he is sick. :quote: I was too embarassed to tell y’all this part. He’s moaning and saying “Mommy, make it stop!” Jesus. What a baby. Just wait until the next time I get sick. ---
**Author:** ![Kvallulf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@Kvallulf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kvallulf)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/13 "2000-12-13T16:51:25Z")
You should feel lucky that they let their guard down like that. They are whining because they trust you not to attack them while they are weak. If you put two guys together, and one gets sick or injured, he will never admit it, and if you put two guys and a single women together, both males could have their legs crushed and neither will admit anything is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/14 "2000-12-13T17:58:47Z")
What really bugs me is women who pander to guys that are like this. My MIL is convinced that my husband is always sicker than he will admit. It is like she wants him to fit into the role of “Foolish man that can’t take care of himself” because she likes to play the role of “heroic, maternal woman that makes him do the right thing.” It also comes from having lymphomia when he was seven; he was apparently a tough kid (kids often are)and so she is now convinced that if he says his stomach aches a little, it must _really_ be ulcer-level pain “otherwise he wouldn’t say anything at all”. I think she gets a kick out of this idea that she knows him better than he knows himself I find that I dont much care how high his pain tolerance is–if he is hurting bad enough, he will take steps to change it, and if he wants to suffer in silence, no skin off my back. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/15 "2000-12-13T18:08:49Z")
> [@](#): > > You should feel lucky that they let their guard down like that. They are whining because they trust you not to attack them while they are weak. Oh please. They’re whining because they’re big ol’ babies and they just can’t deal with the fact that something is actually _wrong_ with them that they can’t conquer on their own with a Chiltons, a weedwhacker, or some duct tape. Big ol’ babies. Nyah. ---
**Author:** ![Kvallulf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@Kvallulf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kvallulf)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/16 "2000-12-13T18:22:51Z")
Oh please. They’re whining because they’re big ol’ babies and they just can’t deal with the fact that something is actually _wrong_ with them that they can’t conquer on their own with a Chiltons, a weedwhacker, or some duct tape. Big ol’ babies. Nyah. \*\* [/QUOTE] HA! Thats funny. Didn’t your SO get hurt anytime before you were in a serious relationship, and pull the “I am made of steel, nothing hurts me” act? It can backfire though. My SO made fun of me when I made noise’s as the two ends of my broken sternum grated together while I tried to lie down. I get ZERO sympathy. I am the one who babies her when she has the migraine, or is slightly ill. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-feel-guilty-my-so-is-sick/45350/17 "2000-12-14T03:11:45Z")
> [@](#): > > HA! Thats funny. Didn’t your SO get hurt anytime before you were in a serious relationship, and pull the “I am made of steel, nothing hurts me” act? Oh good heavens, I’ve met _dozens_ of men like this. They’re sillyheads too. The problem I have is when people (this doesn’t apply to just men) either a) won’t admit when something is wrong, b) completely overreact to a minor illness, or c) admit that something is wrong, but _don’t do a damn thing to help themselves,_ if they can. Now, I’ve had friends/SO’s who were literally too sick to get up & get themselves some OJ or medicine. I understand that, and help out as much as I can. I understand completely _not being able_ to do for oneself. It’s when you _can,_ and simply choose not to, that I get a little bent.