# I finally told my oldest daughter I'm an atheist. Now she's upset and crying. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 26, 2011, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254 "2011-05-26T03:59:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/21 "2011-05-26T07:10:46Z")
You’ve essentially sent her to brainwashing school all these years without providing any opposing view? You needed to have this talk with her years ago. Why wouldn’t you have given her the foundation of critical thinking? I hope you rethink this path with your other kids, and that you try teach your daughter to use that good brain you say she has. Hoping that she’d notice you weren’t going to church is pretty passive teaching. > [@](#): > > I also told her that (not entirely untruthfully) that I just have a much more abstract understanding of God You’re still withholding your true conclusions from her. I hope you stop pussyfooting around this with her once you’ve determined she’s able to process it, hopefully soon. It’s way overdue. > [@](#): > > I wasn’t suppesed to open my mouth about this until she was at least a teenager. Where’s that faceplant smiley? Withholding the notion of critical thinking on something this basic until she’s a teenager boggles the mind. Aren’t you her parent? You didn’t fuck up by letting the cat out of the bag; if you messed up, it’s by allowing her to be taught that a mythical god is real and will send nonbelievers to Hell if you don’t believe it yourself. Why was your wife’s viewpoint the only one allowed to be taught? Do you think maybe you subconsciously let the cat out of the bag on purpose? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/22 "2011-05-26T09:33:50Z")
\*\* I also told her that (not entirely untruthfully) that I just have a much more abstract understanding of God and that (not untruthfully at all) that I think Jesus was a great moral teacher, but that I also felt the same way about Buddha and that it wouldn’t be entirely inaccurate to call me a Buddhist or even a pantheist. \*\* As a former catholic and now atheist, what I’ve told my kids is that all religious leaders of the major faiths in the world ( Jesus, buddha, Allah, Many indian gods, etc) all have good moral guidelines and teachings. I beleive in the cream of the crop off of all the major and minor religions and fundamentally, just being nice and kind to people is what is important in life. You don’t look for a “reward” when you die and go to heaven. You are rewarded for being a decent person with integrity and standards. (Even though those two things are never buzzwords in business or society any more. The stupid and incompetent are rewarded.) I’ve also explained to them to never make fun of someone’s religion or faith, no matter how ridiculous it seems (and really, when you step back from it all and really look objectively at just the branchs of Chrisitianity, it’s just unbelievable that people buy into this stuff.) you can never take away hope. Because when you have no hope, you have nothing. I’ve also explained to my children that Hell does not exist except in thought. I’ve said to them “\* Do you know what hell is? It is indecision\*.” My 13 year old, proclaimed atheist (I’ve never pushed the non-God stuff on them, but I/we didn’t lead them to churchy stuff either.) almost gets what that means. It means make your decision based on what you can handle at the moment and live with the results. Being in a state of indecision is hell. Always move forward. Your daughter is at that age where they are effected by things so strongly. ( I have an 11 year old 5th grader, too.) The hormones and obsessiveness about things at this stage are so overwhelming for them and just loads of fun for parental units. ( YMMV) You probably could have told her that you don’t like Justin Beiber and think Taylor Swift sucks ass and her reaction would be the same, but with more eye rolling. The difference is is that religion is so ingrained (brainwashed ) into them that it takes longer to digest others feelings/religions. They feel so deeply about stuff at this age and cannot compartmentalize. As a parent, if you don’t fuck up, you really aren’t parenting. Admitting it to your wife and daughter is important, but being very patient with your daughter when she questions you about why you don’t believe is tantamount. Patience, logic and love. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/23 "2011-05-26T09:56:04Z")
Maybe she’s angry because she thinks her father has been lying to her for her entire life. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/24 "2011-05-26T10:00:38Z")
Yes, I’m sure that’s it. That’s what he gets for not doing it _your_ way, because parenting for every child is just about always the same, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/25 "2011-05-26T10:47:04Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I feel like shit. What do I do? Repent. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/26 "2011-05-26T11:01:00Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > Yes, I’m sure that’s it. That’s what he gets for not doing it _your_ way, because parenting for every child is just about always the same, isn’t it? Relax. Note that I qualified the statement with “she thinks”. A huge part of being a teenager is defining your parents and your relationship with them. **Dio’s** daughter just found out that in one (apparently important) aspect, her father is not exactly who she thought he was. It’s not the end of the world - every kid goes through this eventually, and I’m sure my kid will too. I may dodge the religion bullet, but there’s plenty of other ways I’ll find to disappoint him. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/27 "2011-05-26T11:07:18Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > You should have told her a long time ago. Wow, very helpful advice, Alessan. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/28 "2011-05-26T11:12:49Z")
Glad to be of service. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/29 "2011-05-26T11:20:27Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > You’ve essentially sent her to brainwashing school all these years without providing any opposing view? You needed to have this talk with her years ago. Why wouldn’t you have given her the foundation of critical thinking? I hope you rethink this path with your other kids, and that you try teach your daughter to use that good brain you say she has. Hoping that she’d notice you weren’t going to church is pretty passive teaching. > You’re still withholding your true conclusions from her. I hope you stop pussyfooting around this with her once you’ve determined she’s able to process it, hopefully soon. It’s way overdue. Not discussing your religious views with a preteen isn’t “withholding critical thinking.” And he explained why they didn’t have this talk earlier. It’s not how I would like to handle that issue if I ever have children but it’s not impossible to understand and I don’t think it’s particularly damaging. Given the ground rules they already had, I think **Diogenes the Cynic** did fine here. His daughter is at an age where she is taking what she hears literally and you’d have to expect her to be upset. In time she’ll learn that you hear a lot of garbage in school, and even if she sticks with religion later in life, she’ll probably learn to live and let live. Meanwhile this conversation had to happen sooner or later and maybe they can handle this earlier with their other children. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/30 "2011-05-26T11:26:20Z")
You didn’t fuck up. Your wife did. I think it’s a pretty disgusting situation. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/31 "2011-05-26T11:33:12Z")
Your wife’s words have some heat in them. She doesn’t accept you for you unless you are in her club. That’s my take on her words. That’s f’d up. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/32 "2011-05-26T12:04:15Z")
I’m sorry you and your daughter are going through this. She is almost a teenager though, so some things are likely to be a lot more dramatic than you expect, especially when your immortal soul is involved. Next week she may be in tears because the wrong person lost on “American Idol.” The one lesson I think you should teach her from this is that a person shouldn’t have to hide what they are. You have been covering up your beliefs while allowing everyone else in the family to indulge theirs, openly and publicly. An eleven year old knows fair when she sees it and that isn’t fair. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/33 "2011-05-26T12:07:08Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I shouldn’t have told her. I also shouldn’t drink Everclear and Clamato. Someday she’ll adjust to your atheism. I’d take the Clamato drinking to the grave as a secret, though. That’s a lot to ask somebody to accept. ---
**Author:** ![Reepicheep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@Reepicheep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reepicheep)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/34 "2011-05-26T12:09:10Z")
Give her something to do that lets her feel empowered to effect the outcome she wants (ie Dad not going to hell). 1. Remind her that St. Monica prayed for over 20 years for the conversion of her son, so suggest that she might want to enlist St. Monica in interceding with God for your conversion. The fact that St. Augustine’s conversion took so long should also not have her expecting you to change immediately thus adding some peace to your family. 2. She might want to hide you in the Immaculate Heart of Mary each morning or evening, so that the Blessed Mother can bring you to her Son. 3. She may wish to offer a novena of communions to the Lord (9 Sundays or 9 days she has assisted at Mass) for your eventual conversion. 4. She may want to ask your guardian angel to bring you into situations that let you encounter the love of the Lord. 5. She may want to ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten you more to the love of the Lord. What you DtC want to do is give her ways that she can feel she is doing something so she is not upstairs in her room crying AND that do not violate your freedom to not believe. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/35 "2011-05-26T12:37:33Z")
I’m with **needscoffee** , I’m afraid. You should have known she would have a problem with you being an atheist when you sent her to a Catholic school. She’s going to want to fit in with her peers and is going to accept the whole religion thing wholesale. Eventually she was bound to either ask you about your beliefs or start questioning why you don’t go to mass. Now that she knows, I think you did her a further disservice by being dishonest about your true position on religion…you tell her you’re a Buddhist - is lying to her now better than just remaining quiet? Honestly, DtC, I really think she’s old enough to hear how you feel. I knew I was an atheist when I was 10, and was completely clear about what my parents believed (mom’s a Methodist, dad’s a little bit of everything with some hippy stuff thrown in). If my mom had, at that age, turned to me and told me that she was actually Muslim and had been putting it on for ten years, I would only have been upset that she was lying to me. Your daughter will get over it, and your wife should get over it, and stop trying to guilt you into going through the motions of a faith you don’t believe. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/36 "2011-05-26T12:46:58Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Maybe she’s angry because she thinks her father has been lying to her for her entire life. I never lied to her. I never told her I believed in God. I was very circumspect about it. If she asked me a question, I was careful to say things like, “…the Church teaches…” or “…the Bible says…” ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/37 "2011-05-26T12:48:54Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I never lied to her. I never told her I believed in God. I was very circumspect about it. If she asked me a question, I was careful to say things like, “…the Church teaches…” or “…the Bible says…” This isn’t a Great Debate. It’s your fucking daughter. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/38 "2011-05-26T12:49:37Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > Now that she knows, I think you did her a further disservice by being dishonest about your true position on religion…you tell her you’re a Buddhist - is lying to her now better than just remaining quiet? I’ve practiced Zen meditation since before she was born. It isn’t a lie. Buddhism doesn’t require any supernatural beliefs. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/39 "2011-05-26T12:50:24Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I never lied to her. I never told her I believed in God. I was very circumspect about it. If she asked me a question, I was careful to say things like, “…the Church teaches…” or “…the Bible says…” A lie of omission can hurt as much as a straightforward falsehood. I’m not saying it’s fair, I’m saying that’s how it is. ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/40 "2011-05-26T12:56:39Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > You’ve essentially sent her to brainwashing school all these years without providing any opposing view? This was your first mistake. Why would you do this? > [@](#): > > Maybe she’s angry because she thinks her father has been lying to her for her entire life. Maybe she is angry because she has to deal with going to Catholic school and you get off scot free. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254.md?page=3)