# I finally told my oldest daughter I'm an atheist. Now she's upset and crying. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 26, 2011, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254 "2011-05-26T03:59:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/81 "2011-05-26T16:52:56Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > She’s only 11!!! She’s still a young child. Gifted or not she’s not old enough to understand why you have chosen to be an atheist. Nonsense. A child old enough to understand the concept of God is old enough to understand that a parent does not believe in God. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/82 "2011-05-26T16:53:52Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > In that case, I can see how you’d let it slide for all these years. Seems like you should be able to present a united front, then. > > I don’t recommend that. For one thing, changing schools at 11 is Not. Fun. For two, Catholic schools are far-and-above better at educating kids than any public school system I’ve seen. Third, there were many kids that went to Catholic school with me that were Jewish, Atheist, Lutheran, or whatever. They went through the motions like the rest of us but they were essentially “off to the side” when it came to praying, going to church, or going through sacrament preparation. Your daughter can be an unbeliever in Catholic school and make it through just fine. If you like the educating that the school does, keep her there. Tell her that she doesn’t have to believe everything they say and that she can always ask you if she has questions. My family moved around a lot when I was growing up (my father was in the Air Force, and then the State Department), and I went to 10 or 11 schools in 12 years. Sometimes they were Catholic schools, sometimes base schools, sometimes public schools, sometimes secular private schools. It didn’t bother me any. I actually started to get bored if I was in one school for more than a year or two. In addition, my daughter herself is saying she wants to leave Catholic school (she was actually saying that before last night). We have a lot of good charter and magnet options here. The cities have some pretty good public school choices. We have an environmental magnet school (my daughter calls it “the hippie school”) right in our neighborhood that offers some things (like Gifted and Talented curricula, which our daughter needs) that her Catholic school doesn’t have. She would have to leave that school in a couple of years anyway. it’s only K-8. The environmental magnet has both an elementary school and a middle school right here in the neighborhood. I think we’re going to give it a shot. At least I know the hippie school won’t tell her I’m going to Hell, though they do seem to be kind of uptight about snacks and recycling. My wife still wants her to keep taking some kinnd of religious ed at her current church and get confirmed. My daughter might go along for a while, but I suspect she’ll never make it to Confirmation. I think she’s too much like me. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/83 "2011-05-26T16:54:18Z")
He wasn’t forcing his views on anyone. He was responding truthfully to questions. My kids are only a couple of years older, and 11 is plenty old enough to start discussing such weighty topics. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/84 "2011-05-26T17:05:52Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > He’s paying to send his daughter to a school where he knows she is being lied to. Please don’t make me waste time rehashing the ‘religion isn’t a lie, it’s false’ argument. It’s not going to be helpful in this situation and I doubt it’s anything you haven’t heard before. > [@needscoffee](#): > > By pretending that there is not an opposing side he is discouraging her from looking for alternative viewpoints. That’s probably true: he agreed not to encourage her to be skeptical of religion. Your description was “withholding critical thinking,” which makes a lot of assumptions on how she’s being raised to handle other ideas. Since she already didn’t believe in transubstantiation, _kind of_ a big deal in Catholicism, she knows creationism is stupid, and is maybe done with Catholicism, I don’t think she has a problem with critical thinking. If she has a soft spot when it comes to being skeptical of religion, I’d say that’s no different than a lot of people AND she’s 11. **classyladyhp** , if you’re old enough to understand what a god is, you can understand some people don’t believe in it. That’s not complicated. Everything else you posted is also wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/85 "2011-05-26T17:06:36Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > She’s only 11!!! She’s still a young child. Gifted or not she’s not old enough to understand why you have chosen to be an atheist. > Let her believe what she wants to believe. If she believes in God then it is not right for you to force your views on her. It’s almost like you haven’t read any of my posts at all. 1. I didn’t “choose” to be an atheist. That’s silly. Belief is not volitional. One is either persuaded to belief, or one is not. I am not. 2. She’s old enough to understand. 3. I am absolutely letting her believe what she wants to believe, which I made crystal clear from posts. Letting her know she’s free to make up her own mind is very important to me. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/86 "2011-05-26T17:09:40Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Poor kid. Putting your daughter through a catholic education is the only thing you should feel bad about. I agree. (Speaking as an emotionally scarred survivor of 1950’s Catholic Schools. Now agnostic.) I’m also among those who think DTC’s wife has the most splainin’ to do. . ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/87 "2011-05-26T17:37:28Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I was trying to achieve truthfulness. She asked questions. I was trying to achieve not lying. I understand. But knowing that she might be hurt with the truth, I’m wondering if it would not have been better to lie about it. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/88 "2011-05-26T17:42:03Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > My wife never told her I was going to Hell. My wife doesn’t even believe in Hell. My daughter got Hell from school, not from her mom. This has fascinated me about you for ages. I make no secret that I’m a Dio fan. I credit you with teaching me that Hell isn’t a biblical concept which has been HUGE to my education. Seriously, I am indebted to you always for that. I have more than once [questioned your wisdom in sending your child to Catholic school.](http://209.104.5.198/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13834065&postcount=158) I noticed you never responded to my posts on the matter, but hey, you don’t owe me a response about anything. Nevertheless, I am glad to hear you are considering ending the catholic school experiment. Glad you came clean with your daughter. I know she will be fine because she’s got a dad who really is doing his best, regardless of any mistakes you may or may not have made. She’s lucky to have such a smart dad though. That’s for sure. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/89 "2011-05-26T17:51:07Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > She’s only 11!!! She’s still a young child. Gifted or not she’s not old enough to understand why you have chosen to be an atheist. > Let her believe what she wants to believe. If she believes in God then it is not right for you to force your views on her. Why is she old enough to understand why some people believe in a god or two if she’s not old enough to understand why some people don’t? ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/90 "2011-05-26T18:12:20Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/91 "2011-05-26T18:14:36Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > She is 11. She is not even a teen yet. Thank you for clarifying her age. Now maybe you could answer **Procrustus** ’s question. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/92 "2011-05-26T18:15:56Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > … Third, there were many kids that went to Catholic school with me that were Jewish, Atheist, Lutheran, or whatever. They went through the motions like the rest of us but they were essentially “off to the side” when it came to praying, going to church, or going through sacrament preparation. Your daughter can be an unbeliever in Catholic school and make it through just fine. Depends on the school- one of my cousins got suspended for a week for telling one of the teachers (during a ‘you can be honest with me’ type private conversation, he didn’t start yelling it out in class or anything) that he’d lost his faith. He wound up having to leave the school, and they made no secret of the fact they were deliberately ostracising him to stop him ‘corrupting the other children’ in the meantime. :mad: I’m sure not all of them have that attitude, but not all catholic schools are accepting of non-catholic kids. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/93 "2011-05-26T18:21:13Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > This has fascinated me about you for ages. > > I make no secret that I’m a Dio fan. I credit you with teaching me that Hell isn’t a biblical concept which has been HUGE to my education. Seriously, I am indebted to you always for that. > > I have more than once [questioned your wisdom in sending your child to Catholic school.](http://209.104.5.198/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13834065&postcount=158) I noticed you never responded to my posts on the matter, but hey, you don’t owe me a response about anything. Nevertheless, I am glad to hear you are considering ending the catholic school experiment. Glad you came clean with your daughter. I know she will be fine because she’s got a dad who really is doing his best, regardless of any mistakes you may or may not have made. She’s lucky to have such a smart dad though. That’s for sure. I usually don’t mind responding to questions about the Catholic school thing. Your question in the particular post you linked to struck me as facetious, though, plus it had the potential to open up this whole can of worms. I’ve always had ambivalent feelings about this (there are definitely some good things about Catholic schools - the academics, the community, the smaller class sizes, the security), but I knew it was important to my wife, so I mostly just kept my misgivings to myself. Now I think my wife is starting to have them too. I think she remembered all the rosy things about her own Catholic school experiences and upbringing, and forgot about how much of the doctrine she actually disagrees with, and underestimated the potential for conflicts of values. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/94 "2011-05-26T18:29:50Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > …Your question in the particular post you linked to struck me as facetious, though, plus it had the potential to open up this whole can of worms… I wasn’t being facetious, but my question wasn’t all innocent and light. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/95 "2011-05-26T19:00:50Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I was talking to my oldest daughter about the Catholic school she goes to, and about religion in general. She was asking me about my childhood in which I was raised in both Catholic and Southern Baptist traditions (Catholic father and Catholic schools, Baptist mother and Baptist sunday schools). Under a lot of questioning, I admitted to her that I was now an atheist. I wasn’t supposed to tell her this yet (under an agreement with my wife), but I thought she had already figured it out or at least suspected. The second I told her, she burst into tears and ran upstairs to her room. My wife came out of our own bedroom and asked me what happened. When I told her, she was annoyed and told me the best solution would be for me to become a Catholic “like the rest of the family.” I told her she knew that wasn’t possible. My wife, in over 20 years, has never tried to convert me, and wasn’t really trying to do so now. She just wants me to pretend in order to make our daughter feel better. My daughter now thinks I’m going to Hell. Thanks, Catholic school. I have two children, both under four, who I will have to have ‘the talk’ with, I suspect. My wife is a theist (Christian), but we aren’t planning on sending the children to any sort of religious school. I don’t think that I will be in a situation like you are, simply because I’m not sure I could keep my mouth shut. It’s not that I would debate the subject with them or whatever, but I think it will come up. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I feel like shit. What do I do? You have to be honest with her. At least, that’s the way I feel. You can’t have your child viewing you as something you aren’t. Further, what if, in the future, your child falls in love with a non believer? Or rejects the idea of dating one simply because they don’t believe? She could be cutting herself off of a great relationship. In any event, I find this response to be the way my head is wired: > [@Alessan](#): > > You should have told her a long time ago. > > A year ago my son, at 5 years old, asked me whether mommy and I believed in God. **I told him that I did and mommy didn’t, and that he didn’t have to decide for himself until he was older**. This was followed by a couple of weeks of random theological questions, but in the end, he seemed to have accepted the fact that belief and unbelief were both perfectly legitimate points of view. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/96 "2011-05-26T19:05:34Z")
That is basically the direction we’re going in now. It’s probably what we should have done all along. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/97 "2011-05-26T19:08:39Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > She’s calmed down a lot. She at least doesn’t think I’m bnecessarily going go o Hell anymore. My wife and I convinced her that I would just go to purgatory at worst. That calls for: > [@George Carlin](#): > > Purgatory was weird. Purgatory was temporary Hell. It was like it was as bad as Hell but…you knew you were goin’ home, man. Often wondered if they had like, short time clubs in Purgatory, y’know. Little buttons- “I’m short two eons, man, hey. I could do an eon standin’ on my head, man.” ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/98 "2011-05-26T19:17:58Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > If she believes in God then it is not right for you to force your views on her. It’s fascinating that you got\* Dio is forcing his views on his daughter\* out of this thread. I don’t suppose you could be convinced to share your reasoning, could you? ---
**Author:** ![Keweenaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Keweenaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keweenaw)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/99 "2011-05-26T19:20:00Z")
Part of growing up is learning that our parents aren’t perfect, and don’t necessarily know everything. They even disagree on some things. I’m very impressed you’ve been able to have such a successful marriage and family life with such differences. The lasting lesson she’ll probably take with her is tolerance and understanding over the long run. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-finally-told-my-oldest-daughter-im-an-atheist-now-shes-upset-and-crying/583254/100 "2011-05-26T19:35:01Z")
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