# I forecast the elections and the results are out **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 14, 2019, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204 "2019-09-14T03:04:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2019, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/1 "2019-09-14T03:04:08Z")
Finally last night I got serious about forecasting the upcoming elections. I hunkered down and brought out the chilled beer, astrology manuals, ancient parchment, chaldean numerology references, Dinky and Shelly; lit the candles and started off. Elections are scheduled in November 2020. Sun is in Taurus, Saturn in Pisces, and Mars is hunkered down in Aquarius. Mercury is retrograde, while the shadow lagrangians are in houses 2 and 7 respectively. Lord of the Ascendant is in house 8, aspecting house 1, 5 and 9. He casts a malevolent gaze on the Lord of 6, who is meekly hiding in house 12. Saturn meanwhile is looking directly at house 3, where Jupiter is located, which cannot possibly go well for Old Jove. With Jupiter in conflict with Saturn, and the snake head planet trying to swallow retrograde Mercury, Mars aspecting the Lord of 7 using his 3rd, 5th and 11th aspects, the Sun sitting tight in unfavorable Taurus looking askance at Saturn, a solar eclipse and a couple of lunar eclipses scheduled in the months before… the astrological situation is rather complicated, and foreshadows misery, general inauspiciousness, and all-round unhappiness. Using sophisticated Chaldean numerology techniques, I calculated the 3rd derivative of the election differential equation, which foretells the numerological sum of the new President’s name. The result was 42. Not good. I began to feel a tightness in the chest and a sense of foreboding. However, the job needed to be done. I took the tarot cards and laid them before Dinky, my tarot parrot who specializes in picking the exact card for the occasion. She listened patiently while I explained the purpose to her. Then she looked at me mournfully for several moments - unusual, because she usually squawks her head off in excitement. Then she left her perch, picked out a card, returned back to her swing, and… went belly up. Dead as a stone. Poor Dinky. The assignment killed her. The card she drew was ‘Swamp Bear’ which lives in the swamp, while pretending to hate it. I was getting more and more uneasy, but there were two more things to do. My astrology turtle Shelly. Quiet, happy, and an expert election card-picker. I placed the cards before him and offered him a large leaf. He took a huge bite and promptly withdrew into his shell, his tiny tail wagging furiously. Refused to pick a card! Inauspicious omen! One last thing to do. I took out the Chinese calendar, and holy cow, 2020 is the Chinese Year of the Golden-Haired Mountain Goat! Ladies and gentlemen, the next President’s gonna be… :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2019, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/2 "2019-09-14T15:05:30Z")
Oh no. It’s Sarah Palin, isn’t it? :: puts gun to head:: ---
**Author:** ![Gray\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c0e974/32.png) [@Gray\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gray_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2019, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/3 "2019-09-14T19:15:58Z")
Does it have tentacles, mandala? I was promised by that nice young man that the upcoming Ender of All Things would have tentacles… ---
**Author:** ![markn\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2019, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/4 "2019-09-14T19:26:52Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > I took the tarot cards and laid them before Dinky, my tarot parrot who specializes in picking the exact card for the occasion. She listened patiently while I explained the purpose to her. Then she looked at me mournfully for several moments - unusual, because she usually squawks her head off in excitement. Then she left her perch, picked out a card, returned back to her swing, and… went belly up. Dead as a stone. Poor Dinky. Are you sure she’s not just resting? Or pining for the fjords? ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2019, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/5 "2019-09-14T19:54:17Z")
She’s not dead yet! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/6 "2019-09-15T01:52:18Z")
Sounds like Dinky has gone to join the choir invisible. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/7 "2019-09-15T04:01:26Z")
Did you try nailing her to her perch, put four million volts through her? ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/8 "2019-09-15T04:26:50Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > Ladies and gentlemen, the next President’s gonna be… :eek: Well, not Dinky; that much seems sure. ---
**Author:** ![sps49sd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@sps49sd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sps49sd)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/9 "2019-09-15T04:39:49Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Oh no. It’s Sarah Palin, isn’t it? :: puts gun to head:: Did you put your gun to your head for Trump? No. We would be better off with Palin, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/10 "2019-09-15T04:40:25Z")
I know why you’re having so much trouble with your astrology pets. You forgot to smudge the room with sage. Did you even light incense? You’ll never get your Election forecasting turned into a profitable business with these amateur mistakes. ETA, and where are the voodoo bones, fer chrissakes? ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/11 "2019-09-15T11:10:26Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > \ The card she drew was ‘Swamp Bear’ which lives in the swamp, while pretending to hate it. :eek: \*Our \*[swampbear](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/member.php)??? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2019, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/12 "2019-09-15T14:12:53Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > :eek: \*Our \*[swampbear](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/member.php)??? I’d vote for him! ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2019, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/13 "2019-09-16T10:19:58Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > :eek: \*Our \*[swampbear](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/member.php)??? Nah. This one’s much bigger and nastier. > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I know why you’re having so much trouble with your astrology pets. You forgot to smudge the room with sage. Did you even light incense? You’ll never get your Election forecasting turned into a profitable business with these amateur mistakes. > > ETA, and where are the voodoo bones, fer chrissakes? M’am, I meticulously followed the protocol. Bones are not allowed, and neither are cats. Both are bad luck and ruin the reading. (Living) parrots and turtles are the best. > [@Gray\_Ghost](#): > > Does it have tentacles, mandala? I was promised by that nice young man that the upcoming Ender of All Things would have tentacles… No, but it does have a loose mouth. A _very_ loose mouth. In general, the casual attitude of the folks here to these disturbing findings is scandalous. The gravity of the situation has not begun to sink in, apparently. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2019, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/14 "2019-09-16T11:52:32Z")
But then…the knife! ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2019, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/15 "2019-09-17T15:31:37Z")
Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2019, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/16 "2019-09-17T21:00:07Z")
> [@mandala](#): > > Nah. This one’s much bigger and nastier. Nastier that our **Swampbear**? You’ve never experienced a south Georgia summer, I see. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2019, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-forecast-the-elections-and-the-results-are-out/840204/17 "2019-09-17T21:04:37Z")
I did a psychic reading in your posts. Dude, you better get back in bed. (For mandala)