# I found out my husband \*almost\* cheated, before we were married. Should I say anything? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 23, 2012, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020 "2012-06-23T03:31:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/21 "2012-06-23T14:23:51Z")
Yeah, that’s what it reminded me of - this one friend of mine whose stories gain about 5% every time they get told. Not out of malice, just because the story’s so much \*better \*with a little extra on top. After several years and a dozen retellings, they’re unrecognisable. Over a few years, ‘He told that girl she had beautiful eyes’ could definitely turn into ‘He tried to shag her on the bar.’ ---
**Author:** ![Cubsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Cubsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cubsfan)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/22 "2012-06-23T15:46:51Z")
Chris sounds like a megadouche. It was no accident that he told you that. ---
**Author:** ![computergeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e56c9b/32.png) [@computergeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/computergeek)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/23 "2012-06-23T16:13:36Z")
My first thought was that you should bring it up with your husband in the context of “look what Chris said”. My second thought after reading others’ thoughts about Chris and what you said about him, is that Chris is a troublemaker and maybe you should steer clear of him. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/24 "2012-06-24T00:19:36Z")
Thanks again everyone. I haven’t said anything today and don’t plan on it. I feel much better about everything after a good sleep (and a lovely day spent with my husband). Chris is a douche, and I avoid him as much as possible. We only end up chatting once a month or so, when he comes by and hubby isn’t home. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/25 "2012-06-24T00:35:21Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > Haha, yes, Chris is a classic trouble maker. I don’t know if he actually realizes it though. Chris would never think that this would be an issue - he’s very…uh…liberal, when it comes to what guys can do with other women when they’re in relationships, so I’m guessing he doesn’t see this as anything more then a funny story. Guaranteed there is a motive. Don’t just blow it off as accidental. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/26 "2012-06-24T11:57:48Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > What would be gained by bringing it up? Isn’t it obvious? Chris is trying to get with the op. “Oh no! He’s just a good friend who would never hit on me!” Let me stop you right there. What do you think hes going to do? Come out and say “i want to bang you”? Of course not. He’s going to first glom on to your relationship and become the unlucky in love third wheel. Then he will slowly and subtly drive a wedge between you and your husband. Finally, all he will have to do is wait for some big fight and then just happen to be there as a penis to cry on. First of all talking to you about who your husband slept with is a major violation of bro code. Second, why is chatty chris talking your ear off for hours? I don’t talk to ANYONE for hours! And finally, why does he think its funny or appropriate to tell drinking stories to an alchoholic? This is textbook d-bag behavior ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/27 "2012-06-24T15:25:36Z")
While Chris likes drama and, I’ll admit, could possibly still be working to break us up for some dumb reason, it is not so he can get with me. I am not his type. He’s very shallow and very vocal about what any woman he sleeps with has to look like. I am not his type. When Chris comes over and we talk for a few hours, the biggest chunk of the conversation is about his ex, how much he still loves her (they’ve been broken up for a year), what went wrong, and if it’s the right time to call her now. I guess he doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to about this (it’s all about feelings and stuff, things guys don’t talk about with each other) so he talks to me. I’d suggest he’s trying to drive a wedge between us because of the pain he’s feeling with his ex except for two things: 1) he’s always been like this, it’s not a new development, and 2) there was a point when my husband and I did break up, when we lived in Chris’ house for a summer, and Chris was the one who convinced both of us to get back together. He calls us the perfect couple and thinks we have an awesome relationship. I don’t know, it’s just Chris. He’s clueless and has different social morals than anyone I know. Luckily I only spend a couple of hours a month with him, if that. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/28 "2012-06-24T16:06:54Z")
> [@Patience\_Jones](#): > > I don’t quite understand why you put up with this guy. He may be fun sometimes, but he sounds rather poisonous. He sounds more like a fungi than a fun guy… ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/29 "2012-06-24T16:16:02Z")
I am going to go against the trend here, but only if you want to be able to discuss anything going forward and have a relationship where everything is open to talking about - nothing is hidden. By locking this away when it touched you in an emotionally way is not healthy, and you need to be able to get through things together and not feel like either one of you must hide things. This is if you want such a open relationship, many people do not. What is to gain is either a open relationship or a loss of a relationship that can not survive being open, but either way your feelings are not suppressed at the expense of being together. To me both are a gain, YMMV ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/30 "2012-06-24T16:32:35Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > Yes, and I know I will have to talk about this in real life to someone to work it out. Which is why I’m very thankful for my therapist (who is also our couple’s therapist). Good subject for our next appointment. I can work it out through her instead of causing issues with my husband. I agree with discussing it with your therapist, but also… > [@kanicbird](#): > > I am going to go against the trend here, but only if you want to be able to discuss anything going forward and have a relationship where everything is open to talking about - nothing is hidden. By locking this away when it touched you in an emotionally way is not healthy, and you need to be able to get through things together and not feel like either one of you must hide things. This is if you want such a open relationship, many people do not. > > What is to gain is either a open relationship or a loss of a relationship that can not survive being open, but either way your feelings are not suppressed at the expense of being together. To me both are a gain, YMMV …I agree with this. This isn’t something to sweep under the rug - this is something to work through with your husband. It might be that Chris is a trouble-making liar, in which case your husband should probably find a better friend. I think in the long run hashing this out is healthier than ignoring it. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/31 "2012-06-24T21:50:03Z")
> [@EmAnJ](#): > > While Chris likes drama and, I’ll admit, could possibly still be working to break us up for some dumb reason, it is not so he can get with me. I am not his type. He’s very shallow and very vocal about what any woman he sleeps with has to look like. I am not his type. > > When Chris comes over and we talk for a few hours, the biggest chunk of the conversation is about his ex, how much he still loves her (they’ve been broken up for a year), what went wrong, and if it’s the right time to call her now. I guess he doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to about this (it’s all about feelings and stuff, things guys don’t talk about with each other) so he talks to me. > > I’d suggest he’s trying to drive a wedge between us because of the pain he’s feeling with his ex except for two things: 1) he’s always been like this, it’s not a new development, and 2) there was a point when my husband and I did break up, when we lived in Chris’ house for a summer, and Chris was the one who convinced both of us to get back together. He calls us the perfect couple and thinks we have an awesome relationship. > > I don’t know, it’s just Chris. He’s clueless and has different social morals than anyone I know. Luckily I only spend a couple of hours a month with him, if that. Obviously it’s impossible to judge your relationship as we are only getting your perspective. But I’m going to do it anyway!😃 I would suggest that you ARE his type. At least emotionally. Clearly he can’t connect to the vapid women he sleeps with but he is able to connect with you. Intellectually he knows you are already taken, but there is clearly something driving him to stay stupid shit violating bro code in front of you. Yeah, you’re the “perfect couple” with an “awesome relationship”. That’s why he is inserting himself into it. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/32 "2012-06-24T22:04:08Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I agree with discussing it with your therapist, but also… > > …I agree with this. This isn’t something to sweep under the rug - this is something to work through with your husband. It might be that Chris is a trouble-making liar, in which case your husband should probably find a better friend. I think in the long run hashing this out is healthier than ignoring it. Bahhh. Unless the OP is willing to also discuss every “almost” bad thing she “almost” did as well. Which, IMO would be a dang goldmine of possible resentment for hubby to fume over. She once masturbated while thinking of Wilford Brimely? This stuff needs to be talked about! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/33 "2012-06-25T14:20:54Z")
Here’s the old joke: A man wakes up in the morning and remembers a night of drunken revelry. He sees he’s been cleaned and put to bed, his clothes put away. He comes downstairs and sees a sparkling house, and wife is cooking him breakfast. “Good morning, honey. Sit down.” He does so, and asks, “Did I come home drunk last night?” “Oh yes, drunk as a lord!” “Then…not that I mind…but why are you being so nice to me?” “Because when I tried to get your clothes off last night, you pushed my hands away and said, ‘Hey, lady, I’m happily married!’” Like her husband, yours didn’t cheat. He was drunk as a skunk and nothing happend. Let it go. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tomcar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tomcar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomcar)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/34 "2012-06-25T14:44:34Z")
Yeah Chris is trying to hook up with you Emanj, He is poison and trying to stir the pot. I would let him know it wasn’t cool and I would avoid him. No good would come out of you hanging with him. Tell him to call if he wants to hang with your Husband. As far as you and your husband, you need to tell him the whole scenario. Explain that Chris was hanging out with you and tell him the story that Chris told you. Your husband will know what Chris is up to. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/35 "2012-06-25T15:05:16Z")
If he almost cheated, and didn’t, you should almost say something to him, and not. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/36 "2012-06-25T15:09:00Z")
…how 'bout you and Old Joe, I caught you down at the creek just ten years ago. (Garth Brooks, “We Bury the Hatchet”) I wouldn’t say anything, under the “it’s fine so long as I get the last dance” rule. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/37 "2012-06-25T15:27:00Z")
Another vote for not worth it, nothing happened. But if something did happen, alcohol should be no excuse. People do all sorts of shit while using alcohol as an excuse. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/38 "2012-06-25T15:53:09Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > She once masturbated while thinking of Wilford Brimely? This stuff needs to be talked about! C’mon. Who hasn’t? ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/39 "2012-06-25T16:38:27Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > Apart from anything else, you’re only getting Chris’s version. Presumably he wasn’t totally sober himself; it was long enough ago that he doesn’t remember where you were living; and it sounds like he’s telling you this just for the fun of telling you, which means he’s very possibly exaggerating. So I’d be taking this story with a big handful of salt. ‘He was totally trying to sleep with this girl’ could actually have been ‘He said in passing that she was a babe’ or ‘He was flirting till he suddenly realised this was a bad idea and headed for home’ or ‘We dared him into buying her a drink’ or any number of other things. +1. Unless and until there’s something really concrete to point to – and not drunk friend’s probably exaggerated description of what _might have_ happened-- I don’ t think this is something worth even thinking about. At most file it as ‘more exaggerated storytelling by Chris.’ Anyway, I suppose there’s zero relation between > [@EmAnJ](#): > > the love of his life ..left him last year and this? > [@EmAnJ](#): > > he’s very…uh…liberal, when it comes to what guys can do with other women when they’re in relationships ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020/40 "2012-06-25T17:54:09Z")
I think that’s part of why she left him, **Quercus** , but it’s not all of it. They both had jobs that required a lot of time spent apart (about half the year, all told) and it eventually wore on the relationship. They were together for three years, and she was a good match for him, but the distance and time apart broke it all down (for her). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-found-out-my-husband-almost-cheated-before-we-were-married-should-i-say-anything/626020.md?page=3)