# I gazed upon my dead children (very long and very sad, I'm afraid) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 26, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gazed-upon-my-dead-children-very-long-and-very-sad-im-afraid/164294 "2003-03-26T15:18:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gazed-upon-my-dead-children-very-long-and-very-sad-im-afraid/164294/161 "2004-04-28T03:57:58Z")
Zut, never apologize for posting an update, even if it’s a sad update, even if it’s a year-old thread. We _always_ wanna know “what happened next”. As others have pointed out, there are other ways to be “parents” that don’t involve one-man-one-woman-one-uterus. I have some friends at church who were foster parents for years, until they finally got a group of four kids that just somehow were “theirs”, and they said, “Um, DCFS? We’re _keepin’_ this batch…” So, no, they don’t have a brand-new baby that came out of “their” uterus, they’ve got a four-year-old, a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a mentally disabled teenager. And none of the four looks even remotely like them–for one thing, all four of 'em are black while Mom and Dad are white. But hey, having a baby that looks like you doesn’t make you a “dad”. And you better believe those kids will tell you upfront who their “real” dad is–after they spent years in foster care homes, it’s the guy who stood up and said to them, “You belong to _me_.” ---
**Author:** ![Guy\_Incognito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guy_incognito/32/3920_2.png) [@Guy\_Incognito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guy_Incognito)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gazed-upon-my-dead-children-very-long-and-very-sad-im-afraid/164294/162 "2004-04-28T04:44:25Z")
Zut, I can’t begin to fathom the incredible heartbreak and loss that you and your wife must be feeling right now. Add mine to the thoughts and prayers being sent your way along with my hope that the both of you will find the comfort and peace that will help you through this. Bless you, your wife, and your children… ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gazed-upon-my-dead-children-very-long-and-very-sad-im-afraid/164294/163 "2004-04-28T05:44:36Z")
That’s a terrible thing to have happen with the D&C :(. I can totally understand why you feel relieved at the probable prospect of no more pregnancies. With my last pregnancy I _knew_ this was the last time I could put my sanity on the line and conceive. Either I carried to term or I was done. Ummmm and it’s OK if you don’t want to create a family using adoption too. Adoption is not the magic cure for infertility or pregnancy loss for all couples who go through it. I would never have adopted. It’s not a path I could have travelled and I would have remained without children rather than adopt. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think adoption is a fine and wonderful thing if people choose to do it but I know I got heartily sick of people saying have you considered adoption? And I’d think, why, no, I’ve lived under a rock this past few decades and what is this adoption of which you speak? I hope the future brings some peace and healing for you and your wife, whatever outcome you choose. I’m sorry that future options were stolen from you. Infertility is very unfair. ---
**Author:** ![zut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zut/32/2875_2.png) [@zut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zut)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2004, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gazed-upon-my-dead-children-very-long-and-very-sad-im-afraid/164294/164 "2004-04-28T11:57:18Z")
> [@velvetjones](#): > > **Zut** I lost two daughters in infancy. The first in a car accident when she was 13 months old and the second four days after her birth due to a sever birth defect. Jennifer, my oldest would have been 20 this month. It’s been 19 years since she died and it still hurts. I still get all weepy on their birthdays. It doesn’t hurt all the time and nothing like it did in the beginning but it will always be a part of me because they were a part of me. Thank you for adding to this thread, **velvetjones**. We’ve also had friends and acquaintances sharing with us their stories of losing children and grandchildren. Yes, it’s good to know you’re not alone. And I think I’d like to repeat the last line quoted above: “It doesn’t hurt all the time and nothing like it did in the beginning but it will always be a part of me because they were a part of me.” Usually it’s a thing I simply wish hadn’t happened. Sometimes it’s a thing that triggers a bit of melancholia. And occasionally it’s a thing of crashing sadness. As it was yesterday, when I reread what I had written a year and a month and a day ago. For those of you recommending adoption, we are certainly considering it. (In fact, I’ve lurked, although not posted, in at least three relatively recent tell-me-about-adoption SDMB threads.) Intellectually, adoption seems like a wonderful idea. But emotionally, at least now, I’m not enthusiastic about it. If I try to do an objective self-analysis (an oxymoron, I know) I think this lack of enthusiasm may be simply due to the fact that I don’t know enough about adoption; I can’t _picture_ myself doing it because I don’t know what to picture. So, perhaps, the more I know, the more enthusiastic I’ll become. But, additionally, there’s a whisper of fear in the background: What if something _happened_? Not a rational sentiment, but still troubling. And also, thanks to everyone who read, and everyone who posted. I appreciate the support, and hopefully you were touched, if only a little; and will remember, if only occasionally. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-gazed-upon-my-dead-children-very-long-and-very-sad-im-afraid/164294.md?page=8)