# I got married...sort of **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528 "2005-08-25T03:10:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/21 "2005-08-25T15:33:47Z")
A further addendum to **Syclla’s Pathetic Prophetic Post** as a female married to male for a dozen years is that if your wife starts using sarcasm, whatever you are doing is wrong. IE: Do it her way the first time and sarcasm does not need to be unleashed. Hope this helps. ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/22 "2005-08-25T16:23:56Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > …by the next day, he was visiting again, and we joyously sang school pride songs, nestled together in my father’s hammock, replacing crucial words with the word “poop”, and all was right in the world again. > > I wish adult life were so easy. Who says it isn’t? I often replace crucial words with the word “poop.” Makes life easier. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to poop before the boss sees me pooping off. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/23 "2005-08-25T16:29:47Z")
> [@E. Thorp](#): > > Who says it isn’t? I often replace crucial words with the word “poop.” Makes life easier. > > Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to poop before the boss sees me pooping off. _blink_ Are _you_ my first husband? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/24 "2005-08-25T16:30:11Z")
I did this once when I was 18. I used to sell memberships at a gym, and had quite the flirtation with this cute little thing behind the front desk. One day as I was leaving, I quipped, “Hey Amanda, will you marry me?” She said, “Okay.” The next day before work, I ran into the local grocery store and got a ring out of the quarter machines. When I gave it to her, she gave me an gold earring that looked a lot like a wedding band she had pulled out of the lost and found and put it on my finger. I wore it all day, and got a lot of comments like, “Aren’t you a little young to be married?” My response was always, “Hey, when you’re in love…” Too bad she had a boyfriend. She was a babe. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/25 "2005-08-25T16:57:37Z")
You need to memorize these immediately. There will be a test later and she will administer it. **THE RULES** 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. 17. Every house belongs to the oldest female living there. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/26 "2005-08-25T17:17:03Z")
> [@Grelby](#): > > Well damn! I’m an old bachelor now, at 20. I’ve gotta get hitched, too! Maybe one of my friends will consent to marry me. Not before German, though. Before Linguistics. Oh yes. That would be very romantic. Well, I’m off to find someone to court! Wish me luck! > > [sub]Oh crap, I don’t have a cool last name…[/sub] **Grelby** , I’ll marry you if you come to my [Dopefest](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330805). ---
**Author:** ![Strinka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strinka/32/512_2.png) [@Strinka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strinka)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/27 "2005-08-25T19:56:25Z")
Uh-oh. It’s started already. For the first time, she didn’t sit next to me in German class. ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/28 "2005-08-25T22:18:10Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > _blink_ > > Are _you_ my first husband? > 😉 Uh-oh. If my wife finds out about this, she’ll poop. ---
**Author:** ![fortytwo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f9ae1b/32.png) [@fortytwo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fortytwo)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/29 "2005-08-25T22:21:53Z")
> [@Strinka](#): > > Uh-oh. It’s started already. For the first time, she didn’t sit next to me in German class. See post number 25. You’ve probably broken one of THE RULES. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/30 "2005-08-25T23:09:16Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > Over the years, I have simply become a tool… an appendage of my wife’s will. > > You know what? > > It really, really is better this way. > > (once you get this part taken care of, come over some time and I’ll explain to you about the emotional and psychic castration that comes next.) Ah… OK _now_ it makes sense. I overheard her talking to another lady about you at the grocery store the other day and she said, “Christ that Scylla! He’s such a tool!” ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/31 "2005-08-25T23:39:26Z")
So… anyone want to marry me? If you don’t refuse to not marry me, just signal that assent by failing to choose not to be nonresponsive to this post. And I mean that in a very real and legally binding sense. Particularly if you’re a babe. ---
**Author:** ![Strinka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strinka/32/512_2.png) [@Strinka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strinka)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/32 "2005-08-26T01:49:18Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > So… anyone want to marry me? > > If you don’t refuse to not marry me, just signal that assent by failing to choose not to be nonresponsive to this post. And I mean that in a very real and legally binding sense. Particularly if you’re a babe. Soo… You’re going to marry everyone who doesn’t respond? That could be difficult. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/33 "2005-08-26T02:01:34Z")
Has she stopped giving you oral sex yet? ---
**Author:** ![Strinka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strinka/32/512_2.png) [@Strinka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strinka)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/34 "2005-08-26T02:13:18Z")
She never gave me oral sex. I don’t think we’ve ever actually touched each other aside from maybe brushing against each other while getting up or something. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/35 "2005-08-26T02:23:30Z")
That’s how it all starts! ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/36 "2005-08-26T03:33:57Z")
> [@Strinka](#): > > Soo… You’re going to marry everyone who doesn’t respond? That could be difficult. Well, I’m mormon. Bisexual and mormon. And pedophilic. And Geriatrophilic. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/37 "2005-08-26T03:49:09Z")
> [@Strinka](#): > > maybe brushing against each other while getting up or something. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? ---
**Author:** ![Strinka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strinka/32/512_2.png) [@Strinka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strinka)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/38 "2005-08-26T04:35:16Z")
> [@saoirse](#): > > Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Depends on what “it” refers to. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![pace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c2a13f/32.png) [@pace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pace)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/39 "2005-08-26T04:43:13Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > So my advice is this: There is a part of your brain which contains will and volition. This part of your brain has an ego. It makes decisions and takes action. This part of your brain has opinions and thinks thoughts. > > This part of you brain is very bad, and you need to make arrangements to either shut it down or remove it by sticking a coat hanger in your cranium and swirling it around like stirring a drink. Electroshock works well, too. excellent advice! Maybe now you can tell him how bad it can get when she’s having a “bad” day. YoWza!!! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528/40 "2005-08-26T13:52:10Z")
I’m very relieved…I thought you were going to say you sort of got married because she was a little bit pregnant!! 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-got-married-sort-of/318528.md?page=3)