# I had a first date last night and have a question **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 17, 2016, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168 "2016-07-17T23:48:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/101 "2016-07-21T01:03:04Z")
> [@spamforbrains](#): > > > [@Joey P](#): > > > > Having said all that, IMveryHO, it’s not really fair to either party to say ‘want to hang out’ or ‘want to go rock climbing, but totally not a date’ and use that to sort of decide if you want to date someone. > > Odd. That’s actually the approach I prefer. That way you can really get to know someone before deciding to move on- or not- to the next step. We’ve talked about this in the Online Dating thread. I’m of the opinion that if you like someone, you go on a date with them. If you want to be friends, or pretend to be friends, or say "I want to start as friends and then maybe something more’, well, that in between crap just causes problems and confusion. And besides, I don’t think it’s fair to either party, but especially the ‘other’ person if you invite them to hang out just so you can decide if you want to go on a date with them. That’s what first dates are for. What you’re doing is basically tricking them into going on a first date where you know it’s a date and they don’t. So you’re acting all cool and suave, making sure that if you like them, they’ll want to see you again, but they have no idea what’s going on. You prefer it, I’ll bet the other person doesn’t. The next time you go rock climbing with someone and they say ‘that was fun, lets do that again’ respond with ‘I think I’m going to take a pass, we really didn’t seem to click, at least not for me’ and see how they react’. Next time you invite someone out like that, at least have the nerve to end it with ‘maybe it could be like a date? maybe?’ > [@](#): > > I think the OP’s out of luck. The “I’m busy” line is just a gentle way to say “stop calling me.” I thought that too. I’d send one more text and see what she says. If it’s another ‘sorry, busy’ with no suggestions for when she’s available, either drop it or reply (right away, not in like a week) with “Okay, well, if you have any free time in the next week or so, shoot me a text and maybe we can grab a drink”. It puts the ball in her court. If she’s blowing you off, that’s the end of it, if she’s not, she’ll text you when and if she’s ready. > [@cg16](#): > > someone said it was rude to ask her out for this weekend this late in the week. It’s Wednesday, ‘someone’ was wrong. Hell, the last date I went on, we texted back and forth for a few days and then I got a text at 11:15 pm asking me if I wanted to meet her (first date) ‘right now’. There’s no rules, not unless you still do the ‘wait three days before calling thing’. Honestly, if you think asking someone out FOUR DAYS ahead of time isn’t giving enough notice, you’re digging pretty deep for excuses. Send her a text, say ‘Hi there, any interest in meeting at [specific bar/restaurant] Saturday night?\*’ and see what she says. It’s either going to be a yes or no. IMO, if it’s anything other than a Yes (or at least a “Saturday doesn’t work for me but how about…”), then be done, time to move on. That includes vague “I’m busy on Saturday” excuses. But this should all be moot since you’ve already been texting and the whole thing is settled, one way or the other…right? \*Or whatever your free night is. There’s nothing wrong with saying tonight/tomorrow night/Friday etc ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/102 "2016-07-21T01:10:51Z")
Just sent text and will she if she responds by 10pm ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/103 "2016-07-21T01:22:54Z")
> [@cg16](#): > > Just sent text and will she if she responds by 10pm Finally some progress. Great job! No sarcasm intended. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/104 "2016-07-21T02:24:48Z")
> [@cg16](#): > > Just sent text and will she if she responds by 10pm With only 5 minutes left on the clock, \*\*cg16 \*\*comes out of nowhere and makes a solid play! I don’t know how the other team are going to react. I’m guessing they’ll respond this evening, but at this hour it might not be till tomorrow morning now. That’s _my_ view. **Shagnasty**? ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/105 "2016-07-21T02:25:08Z")
Ok I sent the text and she responded 5 mins later with “too funny, I was gonna to text you later…lol, either place is fine with me but next week is better because this weekend is bananas starting Friday. Hope your day was good too. How was yours? It;s been busy for me and just getting home” So we will try for next week ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/106 "2016-07-21T02:32:14Z")
Called it! Stuff that “try” shit. She is giving you a great big green light. Her message translates as "I want you to know I was thinking about you too [excellent], I don’t mind where as long as we do something [great], I’m busy this weekend but I don’t want to put you off so I’m positively indicating that next weekend is good [great] I want to continue this conversation [fantastic]. You are right now writing a text back with a platitude about your day and saying you are looking forward to catching up next weekend, right? Right? ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/107 "2016-07-21T02:33:12Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > We’ve talked about this in the Online Dating thread. I’m of the opinion that if you like someone, you go on a date with them. If you want to be friends, or pretend to be friends, or say "I want to start as friends and then maybe something more’, well, that in between crap just causes problems and confusion. And besides, I don’t think it’s fair to either party, but especially the ‘other’ person if you invite them to hang out just so you can decide if you want to go on a date with them. That’s what first dates are for. What you’re doing is basically tricking them into going on a first date where you know it’s a date and they don’t. So you’re acting all cool and suave, making sure that if you like them, they’ll want to see you again, but they have no idea what’s going on. > > You prefer it, I’ll bet the other person doesn’t. The next time you go rock climbing with someone and they say ‘that was fun, lets do that again’ respond with ‘I think I’m going to take a pass, we really didn’t seem to click, at least not for me’ and see how they react’. Next time you invite someone out like that, at least have the nerve to end it with ‘maybe it could be like a date? maybe?’ And there’s no potential for rejection with dinner dates? Let’s take it back a moment. The reason I brought up the more casual style of asking people out is because the OP was talking about things being very high pressure and awkward and so on. And he seemed to have the assumption many have, and I used to have, that if you like a girl asking her out for a (boring-sounding) dinner is your only option. And, in general, the only kind of 1v1 social activity you can do is the aforementioned dinner with a girl you’re hot for or hanging out with a friend you’ve known for a long time. If you break out of that mentality, you can very quickly get to a stage of being comfortable hanging out with whoever, and reading and sending signals such that no overt rejection has to happen. And in the meantime you have fun doing the rock climbing / wine tasting / cosplay / whatever. Now, it’s true that before I was experienced at this kind of thing, I was inexperienced and probably once or twice the wrong message went out. But that’s always going to be true whatever your approach. Certainly I’ve have dinner dates back in the day that can only be summarized with a facepalm and/or grimace. ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/108 "2016-07-21T02:36:47Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > Called it! > > Stuff that “try” shit. She is giving you a great big green light. Her message translates as "I want you to know I was thinking about you too [excellent], I don’t mind where as long as we do something [great], I’m busy this weekend but I don’t want to put you off so I’m positively indicating that next weekend is good [great] I want to continue this conversation [fantastic]. > > You are right now writing a text back with a platitude about your day and saying you are looking forward to catching up next weekend, right? Right? text her about my day and told her she can call me if she is still up after getting settled. ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/109 "2016-07-21T02:38:31Z")
I was kind of hesitant to go further with the date when she told me where her ex boyfriend used to live. It was in a very expensive area so Not sure how I can compete with that. Not sure why she revealed all of that ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/110 "2016-07-21T02:40:33Z")
Good job! Bravo! The next 10 days are going to be agony for all of us. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/111 "2016-07-21T02:40:34Z")
That’s my boy! Though I probably would have said “is it OK for me to call rather than it is OK for you to call.” ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/112 "2016-07-21T02:41:39Z")
> [@cg16](#): > > I was kind of hesitant to go further with the date when she told me where her ex boyfriend used to live. > > It was in a very expensive area so Not sure how I can compete with that. Not sure why she revealed all of that He’s an ex. This is not relevant to the present. ---
**Author:** ![watchwolf49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9c0ed/32.png) [@watchwolf49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/watchwolf49)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/113 "2016-07-21T02:41:57Z")
Is it too late to suggest … you know … setting up a plan you think both of you will enjoy … then text her and ask if she wants to go along … or some such … just have some kind of plan in mind and offer that … see what happens … ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/114 "2016-07-21T02:43:35Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > He’s an ex. This is not relevant to the present. I know but it sounds like he was BIG TIME lol But I will ignore all of that and go with the flow ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/115 "2016-07-21T02:52:15Z")
> [@cg16](#): > > I know but it sounds like he was BIG TIME lol > > But I will ignore all of that and go with the flow I think the idea that women are impressed with money is overblown. I’ve dated several women (and married one) who went out with literal millionaires before me. They broke up for a reason, and most women would prefer someone who is kind, confident, honest and fun. If you can be those things, and not a complete deadbeat, you’re in the game. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/116 "2016-07-21T03:03:18Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > With only 5 minutes left on the clock, \*\*cg16 \*\*comes out of nowhere and makes a solid play! I don’t know how the other team are going to react. I’m guessing they’ll respond this evening, but at this hour it might not be till tomorrow morning now. > > That’s _my_ view. **Shagnasty**? It is exactly like baseball. If you make it to first base even time 1 out of 3, you will be in the Hall of Fame. Rookie **cg16** finally decided to step up to the plate and swings for a solid base hit. THE CROWD GOES WILD! Now we just have to see how well that translates for the rest of the season. Was it a fluke, great coaching or is their some latent talent hidden within? Only time will tell. This is a really unpredictable wild-card we are dealing with so anything can happen but I see some real promise from looking at this young talent from the announcer’s booth. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/117 "2016-07-21T03:04:17Z")
> [@cg16](#): > > I was kind of hesitant to go further with the date when she told me where her ex boyfriend used to live. > > It was in a very expensive area so Not sure how I can compete with that. Not sure why she revealed all of that Quit psyching yourself out! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/118 "2016-07-21T03:05:30Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > It is exactly like baseball. If you make it to first base even time 1 out of 3, you will be in the Hall of Fame. Rookie **cg16** finally decided to step up to the plate and swing for a solid base hit. THE CROWD GOES WILD! > > Now we just have to see how well that translates for the rest of the season. Was it a fluke, great coaching or is their some latent talent hidden within. Only time will tell. This a really skittish wild-card we are dealing with so anything can happen. Stay tuned. Well I actually hit it off with someone back in January and we went on 2 dates and I had to stop seeing her because my apt building was sold. So with that kind of stress you definitely can’t date so I had to focus on my living situation ---
**Author:** ![cg16](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@cg16](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cg16)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/119 "2016-07-21T03:07:00Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > Quit psyching yourself out! :smack: I know, but in my head I was like…"Oh shit he lived in this area??:eek: lol ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2016, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168/120 "2016-07-21T03:11:20Z")
> [@](#): > > ‘Im of the opinion that if you like someone, you go on a date with them. If you want to be friends, or pretend to be friends, or say "I want to start as friends and then maybe something more’, well, that in between crap just causes problems and confusion. And besides, I don’t think it’s fair to either party, but especially the ‘other’ person if you invite them to hang out just so you can decide if you want to go on a date with them. That’s what first dates are for. What you’re doing is basically tricking them into going on a first date where you know it’s a date and they don’t. So you’re acting all cool and suave, making sure that if you like them, they’ll want to see you again, but they have no idea what’s going on. What is a relationship about other than doing fun things together? Sex is just one of those things, and frankly not the most important thing in a relationship. If you don’t like doing things together, might as well just move on. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-first-date-last-night-and-have-a-question/760168.md?page=7)