# I had a sex dream. Is it cheating? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [June 14, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055 "2002-06-14T16:31:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Broodha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@Broodha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broodha)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/1 "2002-06-14T16:31:18Z")
If I were to have an erotic dream involving someone other than my significant other, is that considered cheating? Should I feel obliged confess my dream to my partner, or keep it a secret? Does anyone have any related anecdotes to share? Your answers to this dilemna will help settle a little debate. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/2 "2002-06-14T16:43:11Z")
No, of course not. You have no control over your dreams. You are held responsible for your actions, not your thoughts. You can share the dream if you like, and if your SO isn’t going to read anything into it…I once had a dream that my husband divorced me and married his sister…he told me he left me because she promised to take care of him after his surgery, and I had (in real life) laid the law down that he needed to quit smoking after his surgery or I wasn’t going to help him recover. They were french-kissing and everything. I shared it with my husband and his sister…they got a huge laugh out of it. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/3 "2002-06-14T18:52:57Z")
> [@](#): > > No, of course not. You have no control over your dreams. > > You are held responsible for your actions, not your thoughts. Different statements. Agreed - not ethically responsible for dreams. What about for conscious time “lusting in your heart” and daytime fantasies not acted upon except perhaps Onanly in solo? **Ivy** , if you had showertime fantasies that included creative use of soap-on-a-rope about your brother-in-law (if you have one, or your sister-in-law if not, I’m open-minded) would that be “cheating”? FWIW, my vote is no. ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/4 "2002-06-14T18:53:21Z")
I would see nothing unusual about this, unless as you were falling asleep you were thinking semi-erotic/erotic thoughts about someone other then your SO, in which case there might be cause for a very mild alarm. ---
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/5 "2002-06-14T20:12:06Z")
No, but it MAY be indicative of an underlying problem. Not that it IS (most dreams are nonsense, IME), but that it MAY be. So I would not consider it cheating, but rather a possible warning sign that your subconscious may be trying to tell you something about your relationship … and that you could be on the road to reenacting your dream. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/6 "2002-06-14T21:19:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DSeid \* > \*\ ***Ivy** , if you had showertime fantasies that included creative use of soap-on-a-rope about your brother-in-law (if you have one, or your sister-in-law if not, I’m open-minded) would that be “cheating”? > > FWIW, my vote is no. \*\* No. As long as I don’t act on my fantasies what I think in the privacy of my own head is nobody’s business. Also, I wouldn’t read too much into a dream. I’ve had some pretty bizarre ones, and I just chalk up to my active imagination and my above average intelligence 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/7 "2002-06-14T21:56:49Z")
No, it isn’t cheating. Just like, as a sober alcoholic, my drinking dreams aren’t slips (they’re freebies!). ---
**Author:** ![funkynige](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@funkynige](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/funkynige)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/8 "2002-06-14T22:50:47Z")
Defintely not cheating if you’ve got no control over it, but I wouldn’t tell my SO if I did it - I’m not saying you should keep secrets, but it seems to me the only reason to tell the other person is to alleviate your own guilt, which doesn’t really seem fair on the person you’re now making uncomfortable. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/9 "2002-06-14T23:11:24Z")
Well, of course it is, you little trollop! However, under certain circumstances, dreaming of, say, Jesse Helms or Phyllis Diller, such dreaming may be considered an act of penance. And, of course, dreaming of Ann Coulter or Newt Gingrich should prompt one to put in a call to Dr. Kervorkian. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/10 "2002-06-15T03:45:56Z")
I may be a freak but I tell my my SO all my sex dreams (and most of my fantasies) whether they involve him or not. I don’t see anything wrong with fantasies—that’s why they are called fantasies and dreams, not realities. ---
**Author:** ![Squish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Squish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squish)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/11 "2002-06-15T04:49:41Z")
LOL! Ah, man…sometimes I have sex dreams that wake my boyfriend up, whereupon he charitably lends his thigh for me (still asleep and dreaming, mind you) to hump. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/12 "2002-06-15T05:32:13Z")
While themes of your dreams _in general_ may be inspired somewhat by conscious thoughts and waking troubles, you really don’t have enough control over your dreams to mandate feeling guilty over them. ---
**Author:** ![zen101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c68b51/32.png) [@zen101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zen101)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/13 "2002-06-15T06:23:46Z")
If you lend credence to the idea that dreaming can be cheating, then you must also consider that it can be rape or sexual assault, or incest, or molestation, or any number of things. I’d say no. ---
**Author:** ![Skydive101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@Skydive101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skydive101)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/14 "2002-06-15T08:28:57Z")
If I kill someone in a dream, is it murder? :eek: Heavens no! I’m a believer that everything that happens in dreamland is a freebie. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/15 "2002-06-15T14:52:53Z")
One theory holds that dreams are your unconscious’s way of “masking” underlying conflicts with something pleasant (or at least non-threatening), because if you were faced with a scary situation in your dream it would wake you up and you’d never get any sleep. A nightmare, according to this theory, is a failed dream whereby the underlying conflict breaks through – and if you don’t have any underlying conflict that night, you won’t dream at all (good dreams **or** bad dreams). So, how long have you had these feelings about your mother? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![WV\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@WV\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WV_Woman)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/16 "2002-06-16T23:51:14Z")
I’d say no as well. It could be hormonal, too. I had sex dreams at least twice a week while I was pregnant. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/17 "2002-06-17T00:08:22Z")
I once made love to Marilyn Monroe under a wooden kitchen table floating upside down in a swimming pool. I can’t recall how we overcame the breathing problem. Talk about a wet dream. I was in my mid teens (mid sixties) and MM was already dead for several years. I don’t consider having experienced pre-marital sex, nor do I consider myself a necrophiliac 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/18 "2002-06-17T00:20:37Z")
**ejsgirl**. I never have drinking dreams anymore. I have relapse dreams, where I miss out on the drink, and only suffer the horrible consequences. Better, at least for me, I think. ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/19 "2002-06-17T03:41:37Z")
Dreaming is not cheating. And sex dreams don’t necessarily mean that you have “lust in you heart” for the object of your dream. And in my case, I might or might not tell my wife. I guess it would depend on whether I thought she’d be upset about it. Maybe I should be more forthright. But since I don’t feel that there’s anything to be guilty about, I wouldn’t feel a need to tell her purely as a confession. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055/20 "2002-06-17T04:30:51Z")
Oh c’mon. I came here for an argument! Someone at least do a little contradicting here!\* This is turning into a IMHO thread! \*Apologies to true Python fans. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-a-sex-dream-is-it-cheating/114055.md?page=2)