# I had an ectopic pregnancy **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 17, 2012, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086 "2012-04-17T21:44:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/21 "2012-04-18T16:54:16Z")
> [@SunSandSuffering](#): > > If I could have my time again I would NOT have a kid. > After 17ys of happy marriage we split up when junior was 6 months old. > Everything did and would go wrong! > We had some warning, she had two miscarriages before ‘lucky’ number three. > Wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, spoiled everything. Yikes. Thank you for your honesty. I have to ask though: was there any indication of trouble in the marriage prior to having kids? Similar to you, my husband and I have been together for 15 years. Part of our reluctance to having kids is how it will change the dynamic between us, which it will no matter what. Could be a net gain, but maybe it won’t be. When the baby was on the way, I kept reminding myself that no one is 100% ready and that I was likely over-thinking things. Now I’m doing all the previous cold feet over-thinking plus renewing my resentment towards my friends who have kids. :smack: ☹ ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/22 "2012-04-18T17:05:16Z")
Well, I am glad that you’re safe and healing. May the future, whatever it is, be in the end nice, kind, and all kinds of awesome, so that when you’re old and frail you can look back and say you enjoyed it. (I hope that makes any sense). Also, the profession cannot lose young members like you. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/23 "2012-04-18T17:57:10Z")
> [@KarlGrenze](#): > > Well, I am glad that you’re safe and healing. May the future, whatever it is, be in the end nice, kind, and all kinds of awesome, so that when you’re old and frail you can look back and say you enjoyed it. (I hope that makes any sense). > > Also, the profession cannot lose young members like you. 😉 Aw, shucks! I thought no one would remember me, I’ve been so long away from the Dope. \<3 ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/24 "2012-04-18T18:09:38Z")
I wasn’t crazy about babies or small kids before my daughter was born, either. I’m still not crazy about other people’s kids, but I have a lot more sympathy for both parents and children now. Having a toddler of your own teaches you what is lovable about them. And you will adore your own baby/toddler. You will see your toddler for the person she really is, and you’ll love her for it and forgive her her shortcomings. About a baby ruining a marriage–whether the marriage is ruined or not can’t be predicted, but it will most definitely be changed. It becomes about the two of you cooperating for survival, rather than the two of you enjoying each other’s company. You need to learn a lot, and fast, about trust, delegation, flexibility, compassion, and growing a thick hide. My husband and I had been married less than two years when our daughter was born, and we’ve survived. We sometimes say that we miss each other, though. We miss having 100% of the other’s attention. To **lavenderviolet** ’s enthuasiasm about watching a child grow up… trust me, there’s a ton of terror, too. What if that happy, adorable baby who is currently enjoying her happy, idyllic babyhood, hitting milestones, becoming so beautiful, so smart and fun-loving and so in love with you… what happens if that baby doesn’t become a happy adult? ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/25 "2012-04-18T18:38:34Z")
> [@Pullet](#): > > Aw, shucks! I thought no one would remember me, I’ve been so long away from the Dope. \<3 I remembered you! I just, er, hadn’t noticed you were gone. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/26 "2012-04-18T18:50:46Z")
> [@Pullet](#): > > To make it even weirder, everyone in our lives is assuming that we’re distraught over the loss of the baby. I’m distraught over the threat to my person. But, explaining that to two sets of potential grandparents is not going well. Everyone else has said most of what I would have said, but I just wanted to say that if it were my parents, I’d just let them think whatever they wanted to think. But I also don’t understand why they aren’t more distraught themselves over the thought they might have lost _both_ the baby _and_ you, wouldn’t that be worse? Weird. Oh, and I think if your marriage is strong, it can get stronger with the birth of a kid if you’re both committed to it. At least, I think ours did – though it’s not the same, and we don’t get to do nearly as much stuff together, that’s more than balanced out by the rush I feel when mr. hunter is tossing the Little One up in the air and she’s laughing like crazy because Daddy is her favorite person in the world. But if the marriage is weak, it gets weaker. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/27 "2012-04-18T20:29:11Z")
It’s OK not to want to have kids. And anybody who gives you crap for it is waaaay out of line. None of their business. Scarlett, happily child-free and planning to remain so ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/28 "2012-04-18T21:50:52Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > It’s OK not to want to have kids. And anybody who gives you crap for it is waaaay out of line. None of their business. > > Scarlett, happily child-free and planning to remain so Yup. My inlaws were pissed at me because I\* didn’t want kids and didn’t give them grandkids with their only son. Not. My. Problem. - My husband went from maybe wanting a kid to not wanting them either. But I’m the one who gets the blame. ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086/29 "2012-04-18T22:45:52Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > But I also don’t understand why they aren’t more distraught themselves over the thought they might have lost _both_ the baby _and_ you, wouldn’t that be worse? Weird. Oh, they are definitely glad I’m ok. And they aren’t giving us terrible hassle about trying again. They didn’t know we were trying in the first place, so finding that out through the news that the pregnancy had failed was jarring for them. They had basically given up on hoping that we’d have kids. So while they are glad I’m ok, it is hard for them to disguise the renewed hope that we will try again. Similar thing for all our friends, who have bern nothing but sympathetic but who now have put us back into the baby betting pool when we were firmly over in the DINK beer garden. The supposition rankles me. The Husband and I have come up with a short term strategy for now. This whole episode has churned up a stalled and painful discussion about my long-term career goals, so it is good to have that aired out and roughly shaped. And, there is room in it to try for kids again if we want to. I feel better. Thanks for being my Live Journal, everyone! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-had-an-ectopic-pregnancy/619086.md?page=1)