# I HATE being touched by my parents, but they won't respect that **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 28, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731 "2010-01-28T04:15:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/181 "2010-01-28T21:53:15Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That actually isn’t what either you or the OP said in your intial posts. You both made it sound like the touching, all by itself, was the issue. Oh, so it’s a reading comprehension thing, then. From the original post: > [@](#): > > I get very angry in return because IMO they are showing a blatant need for control and disregard for boundaries. And from mine: > [@](#): > > but when he saw how resistant I was to it, he amped it up just to show me that he’s the boss and as long as I was under his roof, my needs have absolutely no merit. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/182 "2010-01-28T21:56:19Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > Oh, so it’s a reading comprehension thing, then. > > From the original post: > > And from mine: Those quotes do not indicate anything they actually said or refer to other issues. They just sound like your subjective interpretation of your dad’s motives, which may or may not be accurate. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/183 "2010-01-28T21:57:50Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > I don’t see anyone vilifying parents for _wanting_ to touch their kids affectionately; I see people vilifying parents who continue to touch their children in ways that the children have specifically asked not to be touched. If the parents’ aim really is to show affection, that’s probably not the way to go about it. I see parents just not really understanding what’s going on, or why they’re being rejected, and children not caring enough to explain it or reassure them. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/184 "2010-01-28T21:57:53Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > I didn’t mind hugs as much. It was the petting me like I was a dog that really annoyed me. Any requests, calm or otherwise would be met with “I’m your father, I’ll pet you anyway I want.” That doesn’t sound like the touching, all by itself, was the issue. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/185 "2010-01-28T21:58:13Z")
This this thing with Diogenes the Cynic is getting silly. Obviously, he has absolutely no idea what the you are going through, Diamonds02, and cannot empathize. I think a lot of people have brought up good points in how to set boundaries and follow through with them, no matter what your parents’ reactions may be. It may be difficult to do so, especially if you’re just now breaking free of their grasp, but it can be done. If your mom doesn’t want to speak to you until you let her touch you… it’s her loss. Being a parent does not automatically mean they get to do whatever they want. You have a right to have your boundaries respected and if they keep pushing, then you are justified in responding in a way that makes you feel comfortable, even if it means distancing yourself. The guilt trips that result though… from experience, that’s more discomfort to deal with, but you have to make up your own mind what each situation is worth to you. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/186 "2010-01-28T21:58:30Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > QFT! > > This is what people don’t seem to understand. Yes, you have the right to not have xxx done to you. However, if xxx is not unusual or even expected and your reaction to having xxx is large…I have the right to not like it/consider you a flake. This is a critical point that isn’t being talked about so much. Does the OPer have a right not to be touched by her parents? Yes, of course she does. But is it obnoxious for her parents to reject her because of her desire not to be touched by them? No. Physical displays of affection are a big deal. If I didn’t want my mom to hug me and she decided she never wanted to see me because of it, she would be being no more nonsensical than my girlfriend would be if she dumped me because I never wanted to eat with her. However, I got the impression from one of the OPer’s later posts that there is a lot of other baggage going along with the touching issue. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/187 "2010-01-28T22:05:31Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Those quotes do not indicate anything they actually said or refer to other issues. They just sound like your subjective interpretation of your dad’s motives, which may or may not be accurate. Are you fucking kidding me? What, do you want me to go back in time with a scientist so he can observe the situation and make an empirical analysis about whether or not it was about control or affection? So if you are really making your argument based on the fact that my retelling of my experiences don’t count because they’re my experiences and no one else has an inside clue on how the situation looks to an outsider, then yeah… there’s nothing more to be said. I’ll just have to assume that you have issues with reading comprehension AND willfully obtuse. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/188 "2010-01-28T22:11:00Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > How is it not a desire to control someone when someone says “no” and that “no” is ignored? No means no, regardless of reason. Wanting to hug someone in itself is fine and has nothing to do with control, but it’s a different story when one party doesn’t want contact. What if it were my boss? What if it were guy on a date? > > I’m not trying to compare my issue with sexual harrassment at work or date rape, but fundamental issue is that boundaries are not being respected. > > Yes, I have problems that need to be worked out. Maybe I’ll be a completely different person 20 years from now, with or without therapy. But meanwhile, I wish for my desires, concerns, and fears to be taken into consideration by my parents or anyone else who is eager to have physical contact with me. I was going to say that it sounds like a respect issue to me. My parents will infantilize me when they feel intimidated. For example, my mom once observed a conversation I was having with a third party wherein I was discussing some pretty abstract metaphysical ideas. She’s never seen the adult/intellectual/highly capable side of me. In her mind, I am still 17 years old and need protection. When she heard me talking about things she couldn’t understand, I think she was terrified to realize that she actually has no idea who I am. Because my mom is not the most introspective person, she didn’t think much about the whys and wherefores, she just interrupted me and said something to the third party that was intended to make me look like a buffoon. She only managed to make herself look petty and nasty. I ignored the comment, but then ripped into her later, privately. She does not respect that boundary. When she sees me behaving like a strong, capable leader, she tends to pop off a subtle insult designed to remind me who the authority is in our relationship. This, to her, is acting like a parent. :rolleyes: To me, I think she is acting like a child. So for my money, I’m wondering if you’ve framed your concerns to your parents in the same way you did in this post. Have you asked them, straight out, to simply respect your boundaries, or asked them why they do not feel compelled to respect you as an adult? I think there is some element of trying to control behavior here. Your parents want to naturally show you affection, but you’ve said you don’t like it. By refusing to speak to you until you acquiesce… smacks of a control tactic to me. Anyway, that and therapy. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/189 "2010-01-28T22:13:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Why do people keep making up shit I didn’t say? > I never fucking said anybody HAD to allow themselves to be touched. > > What I AM saying is that there’s nothing wrong with parents just WANTING to touch their kids, and that a little empathy and understanding wouldn’t kill anybody. > > Anmd yes, I will sy this too – parents’ desire to show some physical affection for their kids deserves more sympathy and respect than some childish desire “not to be touched.” Well, why doesn’t the empathy and understanding work both ways? Why doesn’t the respect work both ways? Maybe the desire not to be touched is childish (to you), but still. Parents shouldn’t respect their adult children? Why shouldn’t they be expected to show empathy and understanding that mommy hugs make adult kid uncomfortable? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/190 "2010-01-28T22:13:53Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > Are you fucking kidding me? What, do you want me to go back in time with a scientist so he can observe the situation and make an empirical analysis about whether or not it was about control or affection? > > So if you are really making your argument based on the fact that my retelling of my experiences don’t count because they’re my experiences and no one else has an inside clue on how the situation looks to an outsider, then yeah… there’s nothing more to be said. I’ll just have to assume that you have issues with reading comprehension AND willfully obtuse. I’m saying that the WAY you told it, and the lack of background detail about other issues, did not make it clear how you knew what your father’s motives were. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/191 "2010-01-28T22:44:21Z")
Wow. And yet again you people fall for **Dio** ’s shtick. Man this is hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/192 "2010-01-28T22:51:08Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Tell the OP that. I was only responding to the idea that the parents obviously love her, a claim I find false, given the information in the OP. I didn’t notice anyone making a claim that the OP obviously loved her parents. The closest we get is her saying she doesn’t hate them. And, of course, I’m restricting love to acting in love at this point. It’s possible to love someone overall, but still commit a non-loving action toward them. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/193 "2010-01-28T22:53:44Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Wow. And yet again you people fall for **Dio** ’s shtick. Man this is hilarious. He’s been around long enough that I interpreted this less as shtick and more as just his personality. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/194 "2010-01-28T22:56:15Z")
I don’t have a shtick. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/195 "2010-01-28T23:13:04Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Wow. And yet again you people fall for **Dio** ’s shtick. Man this is hilarious. I know, shame on me for feeding it. But I never came across him and his lack of reading comprehension and obtuseness until this thread, but now I know… and have verification that it’s not just me who sees it. Next time, I’ll know to ignore it because it just derails the thread… ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/196 "2010-01-28T23:36:30Z")
> [@](#): > > I’ll just say I’m not sympathetic to them. Understood. I am extremely unsympathetic towards people who think it’s okay to physically force themselves on other people who are obviously uncomfortable, upset, threatened or disgusted by it. It’s even more shitty when they are asked (repeatedly) to stop and their reaction is ‘no - you’re my kid/my grandkid/my wife/my niece/etc, and I’ll touch you whenever and however I want’. The way my dad touches me has always felt somewhat sexual to me, and it’s always made me feel physically disgusted. If you had ever had a strong, negative emotional reaction to someone putting their hands on you, I’m sure you would have some understanding of how disturbing being pawed by my dad is. I’m glad you haven’t. Touch aversion is definitely not the normal state of things, but in most cases it seems to be an inherent personality trait (often stemming from an autistic spectrum disorder), or PTSD from past assault. It’s not a ‘childish desire not to be touched’ and and my family is a physically affectionate one - no one else ‘aquired’ this issue. As I said before, I haven’t liked being touched since infancy - would scream when strangers touched me, and avoided my own mother since I could move on my own. My mom told me ‘the only time I ever held you after you started crawling was when you were sick’. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/197 "2010-01-28T23:39:12Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > I just had a huge fight with my mother. Well, we always fight about this (since I was a kid) and my dad too, but this is the first time she told me not to talk to her again unless I let her touch me. > > They know that I hate being touched (hugged, kissed, rubbed, etc.), but they insist on doing so, and get very angry when I reject their advances. I get very angry in return because IMO they are showing a blatant need for control and disregard for boundaries. > > I don’t know what to tell them to make them stop and I don’t know how to prevent them from being angry about it. > > I also don’t know why it makes them so angry that I don’t like them touching me. I tell them it’s nothing personal, I don’t like being touched by anyone. Well there some exceptions, I don’t mind being touched by people who are closer to me in age, especiallly if they are women…in fact I like it. But by everyone else, especially people who are significantly older than me, it makes me really really uncomfortable if not distressed. It’s always been that way. > > I have not bothered speaking to a therapist about this. I do agree with my mother on one thing, my touch aversion probably isn’t normal. No, I have not been sexually abused, though I do know know the roots to my aversion. I have no desire to change, and I feel that I have nothing to gain by changing. ((((((Diamonds02)))))) ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/198 "2010-01-28T23:39:47Z")
I think being hurt at not being able to touch your kid is definitely different than being hurt at not being able to touch your grandkid/niece/cousin/second cousin/whatever, though. If I heard some guy getting upset at his niece not wanting him to touch her and accusing her of publicly humiliating him by saying no, my skeeve-meter would be off the charts. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/199 "2010-01-28T23:44:32Z")
> [@](#): > > you’re comparing a parents hugging their children to sexual assault? That is nuts. Actually I was comparing ‘real’ sexual assault and how my dad for years snuck up behind me when I was concentrating on something else and would kiss me wetly and lingeringly on the back of my neck - something which WAS CREEPY AS FUCK and sent cold chills of disgust down my spine. And how I always yelled at him to stop, and he thought it was funny or something, and did it again as soon as he could, because my ‘neck was so beautiful’. Ugh. Barf. I don’t have a problem with a simple hug. However hugs weren’t the issue in my case, nor are they in the OPs. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/200 "2010-01-28T23:50:56Z")
> [@](#): > > I think being hurt at not being able to touch your kid is definitely different than being hurt at not being able to touch your grandkid/niece/cousin/second cousin/whatever, though. If I heard some guy getting upset at his niece not wanting him to touch her and accusing her of publicly humiliating him by saying no, my skeeve-meter would be off the charts. I didn’t mention cousins - just the relationships where people often feel some sense of ownership of/entitlement to the other person and some sort of physical contact with them. I had an uncle who did not set off my skeeve-meter, but he insisted on literally chasing me and holding me down to tickle and kiss me (on the cheeks) every time he saw me as a kid (I would try to hide from him) - I guess because it bothered me, and because my whole family likes to fuck with the over-sensitive little kids they tend to produce, and all of them thought it was hilarious even though it would often end with me in tears. He never touched me anywhere inappropriate, and he never touched me in private, but what he did in front of everyone was pretty traumatizing for me. Just because I am a bit crazy doesn’t make it less shitty. A lot of families really lack proper boundaries with this sort of thing IMO. It’s just not something that’s always noticeable, unless there’s someone who feels threatened by the touching ‘normal’ (neurotypical?) people find neutral or even pleasant. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731.md?page=11)