# I HATE being touched by my parents, but they won't respect that **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 28, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731 "2010-01-28T04:15:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/201 "2010-01-28T23:55:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > What kind of person thinks that they have a personal “need” to not be touched by their parents. Just about all of us at some point will have times when we don’t want to be touched by our parents. And sometimes parents can be jackasses that deserve icy silence and being ignored. It sounds like Diamond’s parents are crossing into that territory. Respect doesn’t require touching and I see nothing abnormal in Diamond’s desire for less. We all have different wiring when it comes to touch sensitivity. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/202 "2010-01-28T23:55:28Z")
Well, I was just naming family relationships where it would drive up my skeevy-level. I mean there’s nothing _wrong_ with hugging your niece but if you’re always doing it and it’s freaking her out and you persist–you’re officially the creepy uncle. Though your dad’s example makes him seem like creepy dad to me. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/203 "2010-01-28T23:58:01Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Also ungrateful and self-absorbed when that “something” is nothing more than parental affection. When the touching is done knowing it causes pain and distress it ceases to be affection and is rather a punishment. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/204 "2010-01-28T23:58:06Z")
And he is creepy. But he totally doesn’t mean to be, is deeply hurt that I hate the way he touches me, and no matter how much we discuss it he will never understand or change his behavior. It’s like a compulsion he has, once he’s near me, to put his lips all over me. He can’t stop himself. So… yeah. No real solution. We still talk, don’t see each other much, I try to avoid his advances and tell him to stop when he does what I hate. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/205 "2010-01-29T00:00:57Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > Actually I was comparing ‘real’ sexual assault and how my dad for years snuck up behind me when I was concentrating on something else and would kiss me wetly and lingeringly on the back of my neck - something which WAS CREEPY AS FUCK and sent cold chills of disgust down my spine. And how I always yelled at him to stop, and he thought it was funny or something, and did it again as soon as he could, because my ‘neck was so beautiful’. Ugh. Barf. > > I don’t have a problem with a simple hug. However hugs weren’t the issue in my case, nor are they in the OPs. My dad thought his idea of grabbing me and forcing a hickey on me was hilarious. He wanted to listen to me have to explain to my boyfriend where I got it. I cannot tell you how disturbingly skeevy that is and now, as an adult, I cannot find anything remotely funny or affectionate about promising to give your 16-year-old daughter a hickey. I look back on that now and think: :eek: Good hell, what the fuck is wrong with my dad? Thing is, the more I protested, the funnier he thought it was. The best response turned out to be, “Actually, I wouldn’t explain it to [boyfriend]. I’d be explaining it to Child Protective Services.” :dubious: He abandoned that “joke” shortly after I came up with that one. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/206 "2010-01-29T00:26:41Z")
Closets are for clothes. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/207 "2010-01-29T01:24:43Z")
I take issue with the description “abnormal.” “Uncommon” would be more appropriate. Just like the old saying, “You’re right to wave your fists stops at my nose.” Parents have no more right to invade your personal space than anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/208 "2010-01-29T01:34:31Z")
Yes… If you like to be touched less often than average, then you are still normal. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/209 "2010-01-29T01:57:11Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > my dad for years snuck up behind me when I was concentrating on something else and would kiss me wetly and lingeringly on the back of my neck. Ok, now this is disgusting and I wouldn’t fault anyone for getting pissed if their parent did this. I think if my dad did this I would deck him, but I really can’t imagine it. Mind you, he used to smack my ass when I walked by and I never thought anything of it until I was about 16 and my mom gave him shit saying something about proper behaviour for a father with his 16 year old daughter. In retrospect it does seem kind of oogy, but I really never thought anything of it when I was a kid and I’m sure it was totally innocent. (He never did it again after the talking to, BTW). I guess it just goes to show that people have different tolerances I suppose although I’m sure I would actually die if dad did something like that _today_. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/210 "2010-01-29T02:00:24Z")
It’s kind of funny that I used both “you’re” and “your” in the same post but still fucked it up. Geez. ---
**Author:** ![luxiia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8baadc/32.png) [@luxiia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luxiia)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/211 "2010-01-29T03:18:59Z")
Sorry, I don’t have time right now to read all the responses, so I’m probably repeating others here, but: go to therapy. You say you haven’t “bothered” - it’s time to bother. Even if you think it’s stupid/pointless/a big waste of time, it’s still worth it to try. First of all, it’s a forum within which to vent, and second, a therapist is trained to pick up things we often can’t recognize in ourselves. You may say “I do this because of X, Y, and Z”, but they will put together the patterns of our behavior that we sometimes can’t. I’d also (strongly) suggest that after a few sessions, you bring your parents in for a group session. That way, you have someone who is on your side and knows your real reasons, and that can also elicit an honest and open conversation between all of you, without getting emotional. It sounds like you’re harboring a lot of anger toward your parents (justly), but not taking any new steps to fix the problem. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/212 "2010-01-29T05:20:35Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s that you have to hijack every thread with your petty grievances about parents wanting to protect their children. > > ETA I don’t want to take anything more away from this thread. If you want to continue it, start a thread in the Pit. In what sense are parents protecting their children by forcing themselves on said children? If anything, they are making their children less safe by training them to accept violations of their bodily domain and personal space when they should be training them to expect and demand that their boundries be respected. > [@Magiver](#): > > second. > > Cesario, please, no offense but you’re adding your problems to the ops. No. I’m listening to what the OP is saying, instead of doing what her parents are doing and treating her like a freak for wanting some boundries and personal space. > [@Magiver](#): > > A parents love for a child is everything. And in your mind this justifies any behavior, regardless of how the child feels about it or how damaging the expression of that love might be to the child? Shall I start quoting from the lobyists who got the incest exeption into California’s child sexual abuse laws? > [@Magiver](#): > > Touching is a normal expression of that love. Normal expressions of love are mutually desired and mutually enjoyed by all participants. When one party is distressed and uncomfortable, it stops being a normal expression of love, and instead becomes about pleasuring one side at the expense of the other. > [@Magiver](#): > > Since it has been acknowledged that the hatred of being touched is abnormal it would benefit everyone if the problem was addressed. And you think that the way to address this is for the OP and anyone who doesn’t like to be touched to just suck it up and tollerate forms of touch they find disturbing? A better way of addressing it, I think, is to actually listen to the person who’s trying to tell you that your physical affection is unwanted and respect that decision. > [@Magiver](#): > > Future children won’t understand the abandonment of not being hugged. Where in the world are you getting the idea that in order to respect the wishes of people who don’t want to be touched, we must withhold touch from everyone? This is about consent. If someone doesn’t consent to be touched, don’t touch them. If this is so hard to comprehend, then maybe you should simply refrain from any physical contact with other human beings, but for people who can grasp the idea that no means no, they can just avoid touching the people who don’t want to be touched. > [@Spud](#): > > None I’ve ever met. Lucky you. Then again, I think this is more a case of willful blindness on your part than a genuine difference in our experiences. > [@Spud](#): > > You are obviously not a parent (if you are I pitty your children). You pity my children because I think of them as human beings rather than chattel property? > [@Spud](#): > > Yes, this is clearly why parents support their children… we are required to do so by law… and we’re keeping a tab by god. Point is, there are some people (your denial of their existence smacks of wishful thinking) who genuinely believe that performing such minimal behaviors entitles them to a good number of things in return. News flash, bad parents exist. > [@Spud](#): > > Ummm… not even sure how to respond to the crazy here. If you feel you have a more insightful explaination for incestuous child sexual abuse, feel free to offer it up. I’m sure we could make a whole thread on the subject. In fact, why don’t you do just that if you’re interested in continuing this part of the conversation. > [@Spud](#): > > Yes, a good blanket statement is that all parents are evil and wish the worst on their kids. Not all, but far more than there should be. Worse, one need not be evil to fall in to a mild version of this entitlement bullshit. It’s ingrained in our culture, and something a lot of parents, even some of the best parents, need to put in a lot of effort not falling into. > [@Spud](#): > > You should be really ashamed that you didn’t realize this when you were nine. There is no hope… live miserably then die! You misread. That statement should be read that it should have been clear **to the parents** that they were behaving in an unacceptable way by the time she was nine (given the OP’s statements about how often and how early these arguments had been going on). > [@Spud](#): > > Hint… buy a gun. One solution, though I’d only recomend it after all avenues of peaceful conflict resolution have failed. > [@Spud](#): > > No idea what made me think of this, but… > > I remember my sister used to collect these dolls that were funny looking and had their arms outstreached and had long colorful hair. I can’t remember what they were called though. I don’t know why but any idea what these were called Cesario? :rolleyes: > [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Anyone else appreciating the irony that it’s the self professed pedophile who’s advocating less child touching? I’m advocating what I always advocate. Listening to children and treating their opinions as valid. That applies when they want to be touched and when they don’t want to be touched. > [@Bricker](#): > > No. Because he’s not advocating less child touching. He’s advocating less parental protection and involvement. Again I ask how it’s protecting the child to train them to accept touches they don’t want from people who refuse to take “no” for an answer? What could be worse for parental involvement than being taught in no uncertain terms that your parent aren’t willing to listen to you, your concerns, or your grievences? Why should they expect that you will care about the teacher that grabbed them when you’re doing the exact same thing against her will? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/213 "2010-01-29T06:19:00Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Why do people keep making up shit I didn’t say? > I never fucking said anybody HAD to allow themselves to be touched. > > What I AM saying is that there’s nothing wrong with parents just WANTING to touch their kids, and that a little empathy and understanding wouldn’t kill anybody. > > Anmd yes, I will sy this too – parents’ desire to show some physical affection for their kids deserves more sympathy and respect than some childish desire “not to be touched.” [Moderator Note] **Diogenes** , I _strongly_ suggest you remove yourself from this particular conversation. You are making assumptions about and accusations towards the OP that are unwarranted, and your posts are far beyond what is allowable for this forum. If you wish to continue along this path, take it to The BBQ Pit.[/Moderator Note] ---
**Author:** ![Indistinguishable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/90ced4/32.png) [@Indistinguishable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indistinguishable)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/214 "2010-01-29T06:34:29Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > My dad thought his idea of grabbing me and forcing a hickey on me was hilarious. He wanted to listen to me have to explain to my boyfriend where I got it. > > I cannot tell you how disturbingly skeevy that is and now, as an adult, I cannot find anything remotely funny or affectionate about promising to give your 16-year-old daughter a hickey. I look back on that now and think: :eek: Good hell, what the fuck is wrong with my dad? > > Thing is, the more I protested, the funnier he thought it was. The best response turned out to be, “Actually, I wouldn’t explain it to [boyfriend]. I’d be explaining it to Child Protective Services.” :dubious: He abandoned that “joke” shortly after I came up with that one. Obviously, it’s different to randomly hear third party way after the fact, and I can understand being skeeved out by it, but, honestly, the basic premise does sound pretty funny to me. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/215 "2010-01-29T07:05:08Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > No idea what made me think of this, but… > > I remember my sister used to collect these dolls that were funny looking and had their arms outstreached and had long colorful hair. I can’t remember what they were called though. I don’t know why but any idea what these were called Cesario? [Moderator Note]What _I_ know is that _you_ know better than to make such accusations outside of The BBQ Pit. Knock it off.[/Moderator Note] ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/216 "2010-01-29T08:54:22Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Umm, I think the main thing here is that it seems like **Diamonds02** is still in the closet or just come out, and the whole relationship is there fore seriously strained. Those bells pinged off in my head too. The OP has dropped enough hints. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/217 "2010-01-29T12:55:01Z")
> [@Indistinguishable](#): > > Obviously, it’s different to randomly hear third party way after the fact, and I can understand being skeeved out by it, but, honestly, the basic premise does sound pretty funny to me. Sounds like an anecdote from “How to prime your daughter for sexual abuse.” Or from “High on Arrival.” Did you mean funny in a “Oh my god, that’s so dysfunctional way” or that a girlfriend explaining that her dad sexually assaulted her would be funny…? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/218 "2010-01-29T13:07:39Z")
The only way in which it sounds funny to me is in a Punk’d kind of way. Which is a kind of way many people find funny so long as it happens to someone else (doesn’t tickle my own funny bone, but things which do won’t usually be found funny by Punk’d fans). ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/219 "2010-01-29T13:25:07Z")
You and your parents should consider getting counselling together to help all of you identify, address and hopefully deal with the various issues that are causing stress in your relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/220 "2010-01-29T13:36:13Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > The only way in which it sounds funny to me is in a Punk’d kind of way. Which is a kind of way many people find funny so long as it happens to someone else (doesn’t tickle my own funny bone, but things which do won’t usually be found funny by Punk’d fans). Well, depending on the way it’s Punk’D. "Where’d you get the hickey from? “Dad.” “WHAT?!” “Psyche, it’s not a hickey, it’s a mosquito bite.” Okay. But something like… “Where’d you get the hickey from, are you cheating on me?” “Well…” “Goddammit, we’re breaking up, how could you cheat on me?” “I didn’t! How could you think that?” “Oh good. Where’s it from?” “My dad did it as a joke, isn’t that nuts?” That would open up a whole other can of worms. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731.md?page=12)