# I HATE being touched by my parents, but they won't respect that **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 28, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731 "2010-01-28T04:15:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/241 "2010-01-29T20:35:20Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > To answer some questions: > > I recently moved out. They are really against me moving out and don’t understand why I need my own space (physically and mentally) and made it clear that it would strain our relationship if I did so. > > This touching thing is one of many things I feel they are trying to control me with. The hair thing, they didn’t let me get haircuts when I was a kid. I think I got my first haircut at 19. Around that same time I wanted to switch colleges really bad, my dad gave me the choice of switching schools or getting a haircut, I chose the haircut. Hair grew back within a year and a half, I cut it again at 27. My parents give me shit about it every time they see me. What actually started the fight last night was when my mom touched my hair and said “look at your hair, it looks so bad now, why did you do this to yourself?” I asked her politely not to touch my hair, she went to touch it anyway, then I walked away she followed me and actually grabbed my hair, not hard but firm defininately not in a affectionate way. I pulled my hair away from her hands, and that’s when hell broke loose and she told me not to speak to her unless I let her touch me. > > Whenever we go somewhere, they like to pick out the clothes and accessories I wear. If they are providing transportation, we don’t leave until I wear something that is acceptable to them. My mom took a nice trip a year and a half ago, she told me that I could not go if I didn’t wear the clothes she bought for me. I may dress a little butch, but Christ, I don’t dress like a hobo. > > They didn’t want me to get a job until I graduated from grad school. I took their advice and now I can’t get hired anywhere decent because I don’t have a lot of work experience. Now this was my fault and my stupidity and naivete, back then I thought a degree alone would open the doors for me. I had no idea that would fuck me over, but I feel like they took advantage of my ignorance. They want me to be financially dependent on them, until I find a husband, and then I can be financially dependent on him. They are very uncomfortable with the idea of me being financially independent. For one, they don’t think I would be capable of doing so. Two, if they don’t assist me with my financial needs they fear that I won’t come around for anything else. > > There are many more things, I just can’t think of them right now. > > I know I should be more empathetic, but I feel such resentment, that it clouds my judgment. Yes, I believe that my parents love me, and mean well, they just have a fucked up way of showing it. I feel there’s been a long history of co-dependence, manipulation, and insecurity (on their part) in our relationship, and I’m at the end of my rope. Honey, you and your parents don’t just have issues. You folks have _subscriptions_, and your parents not touching you isn’t going to give any of you peace because the touching isn’t the real issue; if they keep their hands to themselves, you’ll just find some other symptom of that issue to fight about. If you don’t do something to address these root issues, you’re going to keep fighting about this same damn issue over and over and over and _over_ until someone dies or disowns someone. That’s why you absolutely do have something to gain by getting some therapy–you’ll either gain the ability to take your parents and their incompatible expressions of love with more equanimity, or you’ll gain the confidence to decide that even though you love them you can’t deal with them and cut them out of your life. Either way you’ll be a lot more at peace. Shoot, you might even learn to show the love you say you have for your parents in a way that they can take to heart, so to speak. Because whatever you’re doing, it’s not getting through to them if they think you hate them and wouldn’t spend time with them if they didn’t give you money. And you know, in a fucked up sort of way, I can kind of see your mom’s point about telling you not to talk to her. They see you moving out and cutting your hair and wearing “butch” clothes as rejection. You tolerating, even _liking_, other people to touch you while having severe distress when they do it…that’s an even bigger rejection. So she decided to turn the tables and reject you and let you see how it feels for a change. Sauce for the goose is, after all, a totally normal human reaction; the fact that it’s fucked up to see your child’s hairstyle as a personal emotional rejection doesn’t change that. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/242 "2010-01-29T21:19:01Z")
**CrazyCatLady** , that may be the best post yet in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/243 "2010-01-30T00:11:55Z")
Ignoring the deeper issues, could you find something to say or do that your parents will accept as ‘proof’ that you love them without physical contact? What I’m thinking of is some action/phrase that has a ‘secret’ meaning that you have agreed on between your and them. Two examples of what I mean – for years Carol Burnett would tug on her ear lobe when she was saying goodbye at the end of her TV show. This was a ‘secret’ signal saying “I love you” to her watching daughter. In my own family, one of my brothers went through a stretch when he was supremely embarrassed if my parents hugged him or said anything along the lines of ‘I love you.’ I mean, the horrors of the idea that one of his friends might witness this, you know? But then for Mother’s Day he gave mom a card that said something like “If they graded mothers, you’d always get a gold star.” And she promptly turned it around and said he was a gold star son. And that became how they’d expressed love/pride/affection to each other. Just the two words, “Gold star,” carried all that for them. Anyway…it wouldn’t solve the deeper conflict, but if you could find something like that, you could say or do it frequently with your parents, and maybe if they got regular assurance of your affection, they wouldn’t need to go after physical contact. Just a thought. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/244 "2010-01-30T00:30:38Z")
> [@Cesario](#): > > And you think that the way to address this is for the OP and anyone who doesn’t like to be touched to just suck it up and tollerate forms of touch they find disturbing? Didn’t say that. > [@Cesario](#): > > A better way of addressing it, I think, is to actually listen to the person who’s trying to tell you that your physical affection is unwanted and respect that decision. A better way to address an abnormal aversion to being touched is to seek help regarding the aversion. Expecting people to interact with you on your abnormal terms does not correct the aversion but rather feeds it. It becomes an obsession of perceived control where no such social interaction/control exists in the first place. A person can create a million of these situations by insisting that others say or do things as a precondition of interaction. The end result will be an alienation of normal interactions and a gravitation toward people with equally limited social skills and/or personal problems. ---
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/245 "2010-01-30T01:33:16Z")
Some more answers to some more questions… We are American, my parents aren’t immigrants or anything. My folks don’t have advanced education like I do. So, there may be some cultural values clashing right there. I don’t think they understand the need for adult children to be independent, especially women…like the typical middle class college educated America. My folks are quite religious, Baptist, but not Pentecostal…but I believed they attended pentecostal chrurches as children. Yes therapy is a good idea, but I have no health insurance…even if I did, I have several irons in the fire, I have other issues I want to work out before this one. Yes, I’m so lesbian that I shit rainbows. I have not told my parents this, but they are highly suspecting it. Plus, I’m a fan of interracial dating, but they know about that. So yeah, they might just die if I bring home someone a different race AND the same gender. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/246 "2010-01-30T02:34:24Z")
I don’t have time to read through all this, just a few past the OP, but I wanted to mention my daughter and several students I worked with in Sp’Ed classes had sensory processing issues which made touch uncomfortable. My daughter can’t tolerate light touch, but she loves some deep pressure massage. She’d rather be punched than tickled. It’s a real issue we deal with every day. She doesn’t like other children touching her but she’s not so distressed by adults. She likes petting the cats but having them nuzzle her creeps her out. She also has lots of auditory processing issues. With occupational therapy and lots of at-home work she’s getting better. Sometimes kids grow out of it…some don’t. Maybe you’re one of them. Sorry if I’m way off, if you reveal something else after the first page. I just thought I’d throw it out there. ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/247 "2010-01-30T03:56:26Z")
While it should be restated that the SDMB is no substitute for therapy, I think that just expressing yourself here may have a small healing effect for you. I sure hope so. I agree that you’ve formed some uncommon reactions to the way your parents act, but it sounds like they’ve got more issues than you do. Unfortunately, while you seem to recognize this, it doesn’t seem as if your parents are aware. And they probably aren’t going to hear it if you tell them. I’d say your best option right now is to stay away from them for a while. Don’t cut off contact–phone or e-mail them regularly and let them know that you aren’t out of their life for good. But if you have your own place, stay there for a few weeks. I know you’re having trouble getting work, but I think that’s more about the economy than your lack of experience. You’ve got a graduate degree, and that is worth something. Any day now, you’ll find something and be fully able to run your own life. Then you’ll be able to think about getting some therapy. You’ll also be on a much more even footing with your folks, which should allow you to feel more comfortable around them even without the therapy. If you no longer need them for direct support, you won’t feel they’re controlling you, even if they continue to try. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/248 "2010-01-30T04:55:54Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > Didn’t say that. > > A better way to address an abnormal aversion to being touched is to seek help regarding the aversion. Expecting people to interact with you on your abnormal terms does not correct the aversion but rather feeds it. It becomes an obsession of perceived control where no such social interaction/control exists in the first place. A person can create a million of these situations by insisting that others say or do things as a precondition of interaction. > > The end result will be an alienation of normal interactions and a gravitation toward people with equally limited social skills and/or personal problems. It’s so not a big deal when you don’t like most people to touch you. I maintain personal space and people respect that. Sometimes they hug me a few times before they know me well, and then they pick up that I am a bit uncomfortable with it and it just stops. It hardly affects my life. I don’t touch people, they don’t touch me. The only people that my dislike of being touched have caused problems with have been creepy weirdos with no boundaries (my dad, various perverts who often grab women without their permission, a female friend in high school who must have been in love with me or something). ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/249 "2010-02-01T14:40:43Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > Some more answers to some more questions… > > We are American, my parents aren’t immigrants or anything. My folks don’t have advanced education like I do. So, there may be some cultural values clashing right there. I don’t think they understand the need for adult children to be independent, especially women…like the typical middle class college educated America. > > My folks are quite religious, Baptist, but not Pentecostal…but I believed they attended pentecostal chrurches as children. > > Yes therapy is a good idea, but I have no health insurance…even if I did, I have several irons in the fire, I have other issues I want to work out before this one. > > Yes, I’m so lesbian that I shit rainbows. I have not told my parents this, but they are highly suspecting it. Plus, I’m a fan of interracial dating, but they know about that. So yeah, they might just die if I bring home someone a different race AND the same gender. Sounds like your deeper issue is that your fear that they will reject you for the lesbianism and the interracial dating thing. Your fear appears to be founded on their religious point of view, and your view that they lack the education to understand such enlightened points of view. Although you suspect they may have some inkling of your lesbianism. This whole touching thing you have with them appears to be an outward symptom of this underlying conflict, that the three of you don’t want to talk about or acknowledge. You are 28. Time to be respectful enough to your parents to be honest with them. Lay it all out there. Rip the band-aid off, and get it all out in the open. At least then you can all be honest with each other. They might surprise you, and then again they might confirm your fears…but at least the truth will be better than speculating. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/250 "2010-02-01T14:53:03Z")
\*\*These threads/postings, such as the OP’s, should be met with, “We don’t give psychological advice on the SDMB, so please contact a professional”, just as we do when people ask about spots on their skin or other medical conditions. Seriously… I think this thread should spin off a new policy. There are professional psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists, and OP’s like this one should spur us to prompt them to get help from those professionals. I would be highly disappointed if we didn’t take that sort of approach. It happens regularly in GQ. It needs to happen for these kinds of threads, too.\*\* _Enough is enough._ Would a mod just do something along those lines and then close this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/251 "2010-02-01T16:55:40Z")
Better shut down all of the IMHO threads about relationship advice. When a doper comes back and sues the Host for incorrect psychological counseling, please let us know. That’s the whole point of the caveat over legal advice, medical advice, etc. It’s so that the Host is not potentially liable. > [@Philster](#): > > \*\*These threads/postings, such as the OP’s, should be met with, “We don’t give psychological advice on the SDMB, so please contact a professional”, just as we do when people ask about spots on their skin or other medical conditions. > > Seriously… I think this thread should spin off a new policy. There are professional psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists, and OP’s like this one should spur us to prompt them to get help from those professionals. > > I would be highly disappointed if we didn’t take that sort of approach. It happens regularly in GQ. It needs to happen for these kinds of threads, too.\*\* > > _Enough is enough._ > > Would a mod just do something along those lines and then close this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/252 "2010-02-01T17:27:00Z")
Yeah, I get the caveat, but I also give a crap about people, and some of these threads are not helpful to people who might need it. Hey, as long as we don’t risk the Host in a lawsuit, let’s keep up with the smashingly good advice. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/253 "2010-02-01T17:34:10Z")
Well, given that half the advice in this thread seems to be “get some therapy”, I think you’re preaching to the choir here. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/254 "2010-02-01T19:39:46Z")
I must have imagined all that wonderful advice. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/255 "2010-02-01T20:00:36Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > I have not bothered speaking to a therapist about this. I do agree with my mother on one thing, my touch aversion probably isn’t normal. No, I have not been sexually abused, though I do know know the roots to my aversion. I have no desire to change, and I feel that I have nothing to gain by changing. You don’t know for sure if you were sexually abused or not unless you can remember every moment of your existence, which you can not. But besides this (and IMHO), not wanting to be touched is a normal response to some violation, it is building walls that separate you from others to establish a safe place, and a sense of identity. Unfortunately this form of separation is holding back the love that your parents/others which to give you, which is hurting them and you (I believe equally). Desiring the touch of a opposite sex partner does not change the above, and the pleasurable but non-sexual feeling you get from that can come from anyone who loves you, and you are missing out on, which also heightens the feeling of love that does come from a sexual partner. When something bothers us, I believe most of the time even if it seems like it is all the other person’s fault, there is something _in ourselves_ that we can change that can stop others from bothering us. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/256 "2010-02-01T21:17:28Z")
My son doesn’t like it either so I just hug him goodbye now. He doesn’t have children yet and I know that changes how we see our parents. We are very close except for the hugging. I didn’t come from a huggy type family and probably would fall over if either of my parents hugged me. I used to think they didn’t love me. I know that is untrue today. Parents do the best they can with what they bring to the table. You got huggers, I didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/257 "2010-02-01T22:45:57Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Well, given that half the advice in this thread seems to be “get some therapy”, I think you’re preaching to the choir here. > [@Philster](#): > > **I must have imagined all that wonderful advice.** Since you clearly missed it, here just some of those comments again. I’m sure there are more. > [@Askance](#): > > Really? Frankly, you might see a counsellor about that alone, > [@sisu](#): > > Speak to a therapist mate, > [@BigT](#): > > At least after seeing a therapist, > [@StrangeBird](#): > > I would recommend talking this through with a therapist. > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Obviously you’d need to work with whatever therapy practitioners you are seeing, > [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > and something that maybe should be addressed in therapy, > [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > and therapy can be a way to help yourself feel better. > [@Dogzilla](#): > > Anyway, that and therapy. > [@luxiia](#): > > but: go to therapy. > [@Wilbo523](#): > > Everyone needs an objective person to talk to, and a licensed counselor is a good place to start. > [@Saltire](#): > > While it should be restated that the SDMB is no substitute for therapy, ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/258 "2010-02-02T09:31:10Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > I love my dad 'cause he’s my dad. I just don’t _like_ him very much, because he’s a narcissistic asshole who does not care at all about how his words or actions affect other people. Does that make any sense to those of you who have healthy relationships with your parents? It makes sense to me, inasmuch as he sounds somewhat-similar to my grandfather (which I avoid like the plague but will put up with if it’s to be able to deflect his attention from the nephews). ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/259 "2010-02-02T17:57:31Z")
Re-joining the party a little late here … (I saw this thread when it was a wee little thread-ette, go to check back in and, woah, 6 pages!?) … but I had to chime in with a couple reactions: **Anaamika** , you say what I’m thinking, but better. Way better. Sounds like my upbringing was a lot like yours, and you have a gift of phrasing. So thank you for your input. And a ginormous :rolleyes: to the folks who want mods to close the thread. What, are you that uncomfortable with the subject matter? You don’t even want to read it; some of us LIVE it. It’s more helpful than you can possible know to have the input of others. The perspective of an anonymous and impartial witness is SO important to people lost in the dysfunction of their own problems. Best of luck to ya, **Diamonds02**. Let us know how things go. (I’m siding with the folks who think the OP’s parents are controlling, toxic, and dysfunctional, for those of you keeping score.) ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2024, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/260 "2024-02-24T16:03:57Z")
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