# I HATE being touched by my parents, but they won't respect that **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 28, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731 "2010-01-28T04:15:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/121 "2010-01-28T19:26:41Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > How is it not a desire to control someone when someone says “no” and that “no” is ignored? No means no, regardless of reason. Wanting to hug someone in itself is fine and has nothing to do with control, but it’s a different story when one party doesn’t want contact. What if it were my boss? What if it were guy on a date? Keep in mind that this is based only on my experiences, but… I feel like parents touching you is as much for the parents’ benefit as it is for the kid’s. It makes them feel good to express their love to you by hugging you. Or maybe they feel guilty about something and want to make themselves feel better by getting touchy-feely. Or they misunderstand your signals and think you’re stand-offish because you’re upset instead of simply not liking to be touched. I can tell you that, as a parent, I love to hug my son and kiss my daughter. It makes me feel good to make them feel good and perhaps your parents simply don’t believe you that it doesn’t make you feel good. Regardless, I agree with the other posters that you might want to look into it. On to the armchair psychologist/anecdotal portion: Is there any possibility you harbor some resentment toward your parents - for anything? Here’s where I’m coming from (WARNING: serious baggage ahead): When my mom drinks too much, she gets sloppy, emotional and clingy. She’ll alternately say horrible things to me, then drape herself on me trying to act the loving mother or to make herself feel better for whatever she’s just said. The woman acts like a toddler sometimes, too, making faces at me and going, “overly, overly, overly” until I look. I really don’t like her touching me period because a) she somehow thinks hugging me gives her a free pass to be a bitch when she’s drunk (and sometimes when she’s not), b) sometimes I don’t know that she’s been drinking at 10 a.m. until she hugs me and it frankly disgusts me and c) she’s not the same woman she was when I was in high school through just past college. I realize that the above is a little out there - hell, I should probably seek therapy myself for both me and my mom - however, is it possible that you hold something against your parents or some other older person who has set the tone for your feelings about other older people? Sorry for getting all Freudian. I know you said you don’t dislike them, but it seems your frustration is making you dislike getting touched even more. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/122 "2010-01-28T19:29:17Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I just don’t see why it’s a need. Some people aren’t into touching. I’m not the one who said it was a “need.” I’m saying it’s NOT a need, and that it’s self-absorbed to say it is. > [@](#): > > I don’t know if you answered this earlier, but would you think it’s so far out of line for a person who does want to get over any touching problems but feels they need time/therapy to ask for their parents to hold off on touching them while they come to deal with it? Or is that just going to be met with, “Self-absorption.” I don’t see how expressing your needs=self-absorbed. iIt’s not a “need.” I said in my first post that they should really try to reassure their parents and find alternate ways of showing and accepting affection while the problem was being dealt with. I never said anyone should _have_ to be touched (though I don’t think it’s some outrageous violation if they get a pat on the back or a kiss on he head from their mom), I object to the vilification of the parents for just wanting to express normal, healthy affection. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/123 "2010-01-28T19:31:15Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > Answering a question with a question. What other compelling arguments do you have up your sleeve? > > I’ll be less elusive than you’re trying to be, so to answer your question: someone who has a sense of self-worth and does not bend over backwards just to appease someone else, whether it’s stranger, friend, or parent. Sharing the same genetic material does not automatically give them rights to disregard my boundaries. It’s the same as when my sister and I were young and I’d do the whole hand-in-the-face-but-I’m-not-touching-you. She made it very clear that it was annoying and it was not tolerated and I learned not to do it anymore because I cared about her and I didn’t want her to be upset. I was invading her space and despite the antics we’d employ to annoy each other, we grew up to _respect_ each other’s wishes. My parents were _adults_ and they couldn’t comprehend that. Wahh, your dad loved you. Poor you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/124 "2010-01-28T19:32:27Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > **Dio** , I think you and some of the others in the thread are looking at this through the lens of your own relationship to your own parents (or to your own children as a parent). For some of us, our parents do clearly love us, and their touch is a way of showing it. But not all parental touch falls into this category; with some parents, it **isn’t** just “an innocent bit of affection.” If it isn’t, they aren’t saying so. They’re just saying “ZOMG, my dad touched my head, what a monster!!!” ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/125 "2010-01-28T19:32:46Z")
The OP’s parents are very controlling. IMO, the OP feels trapped because she wants to break free from their control yet remains dependent on them. Listen, the best thing you can do for yourself is to end your dependence on them. Take the bus, move to a more affordable apartment, eat out less – whatever it takes to stand on your own two feet. Self-sufficiency is empowering. Once you are no longer dependent on them for anything, you can decide whether to maintain a relationship with them. But if you do decide to keep them in your life, your relationship is bound to get better because you’ve cut the strings that bind. Maturity and self-sufficiency are great balms which can heal even the most contentious child/parent relationship. Good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/126 "2010-01-28T19:33:04Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Wahh, your dad loved you. Poor you. He also beat her for yelling about how he chose to express that love. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/127 "2010-01-28T19:33:43Z")
It’s not a “need” to have your siblings respect your personal space in the biological or legal sense but a lot of people get annoyed when their little siblings enter their rooms or touch their stuff. It’s still pretty irritating no doubt. For a lot of people, that physical touch might be the same way. In the literal sense, it’s not a need, but for their peace of mind, it’s necessary. If you’re cool with expressing affection through alternate ways, then why do you have to throw around “self-absorbed” when it’s clearly not the right descriptor? The fact that you saw **Grapefruit** ’s dad touching her and persisting when it made her uncomfortable, and the end result being her getting beaten, as a kid being mouthy to a parent is kind of disturbing. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/128 "2010-01-28T19:33:48Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Grapegruit humiliated her parents in public because her father was showing an innocent bit of affection. A bit of affection that, when rejected, turned into a beating. I don’t care who you are, if I don’t want you touching me, you’d best not. Now, a child rejecting a parent’s touch may seem weird, but there are weirder things out there. Saying, in essence, “I’ll touch you any way I damn please and there’s nothing you can do about it” is bullying, plain and simple. What loving parent bullies a child? > [@](#): > > I don’t see anybody else moving off this idea that would should empathize with their disgust that their parents give a shit a bout them. Is there somewhere in this thread that someone said that? That they were disgusted because their parents gave a shit about them? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/129 "2010-01-28T19:33:56Z")
By the way, I think the OP obviously has a host of other issues going on with her parents, and the touching really isn’t the main problem. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/130 "2010-01-28T19:34:57Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > He also beat her for yelling about how he chose to express that love. He beat her for humiliating them in public for no reason. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/131 "2010-01-28T19:36:15Z")
I do think that the OP has issues that go beyond the touching. But I think that you’re a little out of line, **Dio** , for acting as though people are reacting to touching as a violation. I don’t think anyone has done that, but in cases like **Grapefruit** ’s, it basically is a parent saying, “I can touch you and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.” ETA: Even if she was humiliating them (which wouldn’t have happened if the father had respected her boundaries), you really think a beating is ever the answer? That speaks volumes about your parenting. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/132 "2010-01-28T19:36:30Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > A bit of affection that, when rejected, turned into a beating. > > I don’t care who you are, if I don’t want you touching me, you’d best not. Really? What if it’s your mom? What are you going to do? How about if it’s your child? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/133 "2010-01-28T19:37:11Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > He beat her for humiliating them in public for no reason. I don’t happen to think that’s a valid reason to beat someone, either. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/134 "2010-01-28T19:38:16Z")
**Grapefruit** , you have made an excellent point, well-expressed. I suggest that you completely ignore **Diogenes** ; he’s proving in this thread that he is completely ignoring what everyone else is saying. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/135 "2010-01-28T19:38:33Z")
Dio, you are NOT right. You are, in fact, freaking me the fuck out. I’m starting to fear for your children. Being someone’s parent does not mean that you have an absolute right to affection, physical or otherwise, on your terms and your schedule. Get a pet. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/136 "2010-01-28T19:39:09Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > It’s not a “need” to have your siblings respect your personal space in the biological or legal sense but a lot of people get annoyed when their little siblings enter their rooms or touch their stuff. It’s still pretty irritating no doubt. For a lot of people, that physical touch might be the same way. In the literal sense, it’s not a need, but for their peace of mind, it’s necessary. Sure, it can be annoying, but elevating it to the level of the scared is self-absorbed. > [@](#): > > If you’re cool with expressing affection through alternate ways, then why do you have to throw around “self-absorbed” when it’s clearly not the right descriptor? The fact that you saw **Grapefruit** ’s dad touching her and persisting when it made her uncomfortable, and the end result being her getting beaten, as a kid being mouthy to a parent is kind of disturbing. The actions of her father did not warrant her humilaition of them. I wouldn’t expect her to understand how hurtful her actions were when she was 10, but I would expect her to be able to understand it in retrospect. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/137 "2010-01-28T19:44:31Z")
Asking not to be touched is public humiliation? Besides, it’s not even like she was saying, “Never touch me”–it seems like she just disliked that hair petting thing. I would dislike it if someone flicked my ear, and if my parent ever did that I’d ask them politely to stop–it wouldn’t mean that hugs and kisses are now verboten–just that it’s unpleasant. Them escalating it would be the disturbing part. If you’re a grown man or woman and you have to do something like that just on principal because you’re the parent, then yeah, that’s really distasteful to me. And in any case, a beating is never okay. It’s not okay to beat your wife or girlfriend for asking not to be touched, and it’s definitely not okay with your child. Even if said child was doing something that made you want to strangle them. I’m with **DianaG** and **Cat Whisperer** –I don’t think there’s any point in reasoning with you over this. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/138 "2010-01-28T19:48:13Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Dio, you are NOT right. You are, in fact, freaking me the fuck out. I’m starting to fear for your children. Please. Is this kind of garbage really necessary? > [@](#): > > Being someone’s parent does not mean that you have an absolute right to affection, physical or otherwise, on your terms and your schedule. Get a pet. I never said it does. What I objectt to – I’ll say it again – is the demonization of parents just for _wanting_ to show affection and the self-important inflation of minor discomfort into some kind of egregious assault on the soul. Really, let’s call this what it is – it’s parents trying to hug or kiss their kids, and the kids being whiny and snotty about it. The lawyering of that non-issue into a lot of grandstanding complaining about “personal needs” in the like is not exactly pulling at my heartstrings. I’m sawing away at my tiny violin here. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/139 "2010-01-28T19:51:10Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Dio, you are NOT right. You are, in fact, freaking me the fuck out. I’m starting to fear for your children. > > Being someone’s parent does not mean that you have an absolute right to affection, physical or otherwise, on your terms and your schedule. Get a pet. But not a cat - the physical affection around here is most definitely on THEIR terms. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731/140 "2010-01-28T19:51:35Z")
The beating should be completely separate from the touching. Let’s assume the touching was appropriate by society’s standards, which is what it sounds like in the anecdote. The beating is bad. That’s a bad thing. It’s disingenuous to act like the touching was also a bad thing because it ultimately led to the beating. The beating is JUST BAD BY ITSELF. The beating could have been sparked by any number of innocent things, and that wouldn’t make those things bad by association. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-being-touched-by-my-parents-but-they-wont-respect-that/526731.md?page=8)