# I hate Coldfire **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 24, 2000, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153 "2000-03-24T13:37:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/21 "2000-03-24T21:35:00Z")
Oh, yeah, the bitterness is showing now. I’ll have you know that I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown. And it “Heartaches by the Number,” in the key of J. That’s right, it was just me and the intravenous, and I was a hit, wiseguy. In fact, after that they gave me my own room with a lock on the outside. Eat your liver, Tex! ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/22 "2000-03-24T22:03:00Z")
> [@](#): > > In fact, after that they gave me my own room with a lock on the outside. And nice quilted, down padding on the walls. You weren’t wearing a gown? God, I’d hate to see what you were using for a tuning fork. Touch my monkey, Canuck! * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![Bluepony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Bluepony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluepony)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/23 "2000-03-24T22:05:00Z")
I took down all of what Wally said: Coldfire knows a lot of music, Formula 1 racing, international finance, speaks four languages, yadda yadda yadda… I came up with the only logical solution, after a few beers and tequila shots, and the realization hit me in the gut like a day-old Subway sandwich. SPY!! Coldfire’s an international SPY!! Having entirely _way_ too much time on my hands, I called the toll-free number to the CIA and asked to be transferred to the Turn In A Spy For Freedom and Democracy hotline. When I finally got a human being, he quickly took my phone number, name and address after I proudly told him my conspiracy theory about Clog Boy. I casually mentioned, with an air of mystery :), that he might be behind all those crop circles and why the Bills lost all _four_ Super Bowls (coincidence?..I think not!). I’m casually waiting for my next call from the Feds so I can supply them with more Coldfire info. Looking out my window I can see they’re already attaching a “protective detail” consisting of 2 men in black suits driving an unmarked car. This is probably to protect me from Coldfire’s secret organization. Don’t let his goofy, casual nature fool you. I think I really stumbled onto a great international conspiracy here. Yeah, Coldfire (if that’s your real identity!)just wait ‘til they come knockin’ at your door and take you down. I even gave the CIA Wally’s SDMB info so we can split the large reward money. Yup, who’s laughing now Clog Boy!! 😃 * * * _…send lawyers, guns, and money…_ ``` Warren Zevon ``` ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/24 "2000-03-24T22:18:00Z")
You are awesome, Blue! Know what I’m going to do with my reward money? I’m going to put out a contract on Sealemon. Well, he started it! ---
**Author:** ![Poto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ab992/32.png) [@Poto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poto)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2000, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/25 "2000-03-24T23:03:00Z")
Squee: With 230 posts, you don’t get to ask “Who is Coldfire”? Who is Squee? ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/26 "2000-03-25T00:21:00Z")
Oh great. Now I’ll have some drunkin’ Mountie riding a moose trying to thwack me with a hockey stick so he can collect 15 purple dollars with a picture of a turkey on them. P.S. Great to have ya back, Wally! * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![crackwise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/22d042/32.png) [@crackwise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crackwise)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/27 "2000-03-25T00:57:00Z")
To SwimmingRiddles only: You need a better grocery store. I can get Swiss chocolate at my grocery store. Of course, you’re right. Not a wall-full of European chocolate. Yeah, Coldfire is a bastard. 😃 I wish I was him. (Or lived on his side of the pond. At least for a while). Actually my little brother has a lovely view of Windsor Castle from his flat. He’s a bastard too. * * * ~handcrafted signatures since 1975~ ---
**Author:** ![crackwise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/22d042/32.png) [@crackwise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crackwise)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/28 "2000-03-25T01:00:00Z")
Bluepony, LMAO! ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/29 "2000-03-25T01:58:00Z")
What in Goddess’ name are you people _whining_ about? I live in Flint. That’s right. Flint, Michigan. **I hate you all.** 😃 * * * This space blank, until Wally thinks up something cool to put here. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/30 "2000-03-25T02:06:00Z")
cristi, ~"Turn the radio on, for that sweet sound… hehehe I can get from the Mountains to the sea in 3 hours here in Maryland, which is good. Washington DC is pushed right up against our state, which is bad. \ I’m jealous of the tulips! Beautiful! * * * Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/31 "2000-03-25T02:22:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Sealemon88: > \*\*Oh great. Now I’ll have some drunkin’ Mountie riding a moose trying to thwack me with a hockey stick so he can collect 15 purple dollars with a picture of a turkey on them. > > P.S. Great to have ya back, Wally! > > \*\* Good one, Seal! Collapsed laughing on that one… Now, Wally [said in nasal, patronizing tones], you know you don’t hate Coldfire. Just because he’s a young, virile, yowlin’, prowlin’ sack of Continental charm. So he has fast cars, fast women and legal drugs. [drumroll] It has been reported…_on good authority_! that he wears clogs to bed. Yes! Now wouldn’t THAT make a postcard! Numerous lusty young ladies have complained of severe bruising and splinters (Clogess Interruptus). There…feel better now?? Veb ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/32 "2000-03-25T02:33:00Z")
See weirddave laugh. Laugh weirddave, laugh! See Cristi sneak up behind weirddave with a really big mallet! Sneak, Cristi, sneak! Ha ha ha! Cristi will surprise weirddave! Weirddave will be very surprised! See the look of surprise on weirddave’s face! Ha ha ha! Look at weirddave! He looks funny! Look at the shiny red bump on weirddave’s head! Look at weirddave staggering around. Stagger, weirddave, stagger! Oh no. Weirddave fall down, go boom! See Cristi sneak away. Sneak, Cristi, sneak! * * * This space blank, until Wally thinks up something cool to put here. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/33 "2000-03-25T03:53:00Z")
::raises head::\> …talk about make me lose control… \ * * * Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/34 "2000-03-25T04:12:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Cristi: > \*\*What in Goddess’ name are you people _whining_ about? I live in Flint. That’s right. Flint, Michigan. > > **I hate you all.** 😃 > > \*\* It could be worse. You could live in Grand Rapids. …fleeing… * * * Shadowfox “The dead have risen, and they’re voting Republican!” - Bart Simpson ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Watson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Dr.Watson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Watson)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/35 "2000-03-25T04:35:00Z")
Now Boarding at Gate 6 . . . Flight 69 . . . Netherlands Tour . . . C’mon people, move it along . . . The pilot’s Quaalude is about to kick in . . . Dr. Watson “Did I hear something about easily available drugs and women?” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/36 "2000-03-25T06:05:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Doctor Jackson: > \*\* No, but I know where my “nether regions” are. > \*\* Netherlands is between the belly button and knees. ok, so it was funnier in my brain. Sue me. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/37 "2000-03-25T06:10:00Z")
Flint? Flint! Oh What I wouldn’t GIVE to live in Flint!..Oh wait, I’m down wind of Flint…I’ll pass. As for Coldfire, he’s a hottie! ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Dave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Great\_Dave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Dave)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/38 "2000-03-25T06:36:00Z")
Unc: Not only is there a torture museum, but a very interesting **sex** museum. Complete with 6 foot dildos and vibrating chairs. God I love that town. * * * -Dave “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” -Albert Einstein ---
**Author:** ![Squee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@Squee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squee)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/39 "2000-03-25T07:01:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Squee: With 230 posts, you don’t get to ask “Who is Coldfire”? **Sunbear{** , I hope this was a joke… because I meant it as sarcasm. I’m still waiting for that shipment of hookers and hash CF is supposed to be sending me… 🙂 * * * “Penises don’t belong in the mouth, girls and boys. You’ve got the wrong hole there. Just like you wouldn’t shove pizza up your nose.” -From the **Brother Jed** flyer- ---
**Author:** ![NothingMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b77776/32.png) [@NothingMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NothingMan)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2000, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153/40 "2000-03-25T08:14:00Z")
Well I was ready to brave the “putz” rifle for you on this one CF. Turns out I do not have to. Whew. Wally, that was scary. ColdFire, thanks for being up at 5AM . . . my time. 🙂 Someone knows I am alive. ## (Is it really a “Royale with cheese” ?) “No one cares how pretty the souffle is, if the appetizer is turds-in-a-blanket.” Bill McNeil, _NewsRadio_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-coldfire/15153.md?page=3)