# I hate my parents **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 4, 2003, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277 "2003-11-04T04:03:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2003, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/61 "2003-11-05T21:03:29Z")
And I’m glad my parents weren’t as cretinous as you are, doggie. So I guess we’re even. There were no threats; there was no blackmail. Nobody is suggesting children are ever raising their parents. You’re a damned fool if you think otherwise, and you’re an asshole for your unprovoked attacks on me. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/62 "2003-11-06T01:02:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DanielWithrow \* > \*\* > They were welcome to continue supporting me financially, if they wanted to; if they did, I told them, I’d stay in school and graduate. Otherwise, I’d move out and drop out of school, so that I could get a full-time job and support myself financially. > > … > > There were no threats; there was no blackmail. > Daniel \*\* I think mummy and daddy would have done you a favor to pull you out of your D&D world so you could understand reality. I’m guessing - Only child. Right? Bubba ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/63 "2003-11-06T02:12:29Z")
> [@](#): > > Again, where is the unreasonableness in the expectation of a minimum level of academic performance? And no, a ‘C’ is NOT a good grade, whatever you might hear. My son has tried to sell me the same lines, too. In a normal class, depending on the school, you might be right. In an AP class, a ‘C’ is usually equal to at least a ‘B’ in a ‘regular’ class. Most colleges will factor in the learning disability problem as well. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/64 "2003-11-06T13:26:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BubbaDog \* > **I’m guessing - Only child. Right?** Wrong. Amazingly, your guesses and presumptions about my life continue to be wrong. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/65 "2003-11-06T13:40:12Z")
Well, my second guess would be youngest child. And, what’s with the name change? (Just so you understand. Not attacking you, I just noticed that your alias suddenly changed) And speaking of attacks. When you brag on a message board how you blackmailed your parents at the age of 17 you should expect some contrary responses. Some of us out here actually are parents, you know. Take another shot at me if you want. But you might also re-read your first post and maybe understand how I and others could come to a conclusion that disagrees with your message. Then I suggest we stop hijacking this thread and let **Ninjachick** have the light. Bubbadog ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/66 "2003-11-06T13:51:48Z")
Daniel, did you change your name? ---
**Author:** ![TVAA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c57346/32.png) [@TVAA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVAA)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/67 "2003-11-06T13:55:43Z")
Y’know, being a parent doesn’t mean that you _should_ do everything you’d like to. Children are their own people, and sooner or later they need to break away. How are parents trying to warp a child into what they want her to be somehow justified while that child’s attempts to preserve her identity aren’t, **Bubbadog**? ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/68 "2003-11-06T14:02:13Z")
I am not giong to attack you Daniel, but go back and read your posts then ask yourself why you are getting the responses you are getting. Maybe it isn’t everyone else not understanding what you meant but that you didn’t write it clearly. JFTR, had one of my kids pulled that on me it would have backfired big time. Thank Jeebus they understood (and still understand for my 12 year old) their role as child and mine as parent. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/69 "2003-11-06T14:26:42Z")
Wrong again, bubba. Strange, ain’t it, how your stereotypes and pop-psychology doesn’t apply? Are you going to guess my astrological symbol next? **Diane** , it couldn’t possibly have backfired on me, because I meant what I said. I was willing to move out if that’s what I needed to do. And it wasn’t blackmail, either. I wasn’t threatening my parents with my dropping out of school; I was just letting them know that I absolutely wasn’t willing to let them set the parameters of my life, even if it meant that they would kick me out of the house. Dropping out of school would almost certainly have been a consequence of having to support myself fully. I’ve reread my first post in this thread, and I stand by it. Others may disagree with me on the approach I took, and I’m happy to debate it with them (especially the central issue of whether, and at what point, a child is ethically allowed to defy their parents’ wishes and orders). However, I’m absolutely not willing to put up with sanctimonious shitheads taking potshots at me for a conversation that I think salvaged my relationship with my parents. I just changed my handle; when I originally signed up here four years ago, I wasn’t figuring on using the board very often, and certainly not for personal posts. Now that I am, I’d prefer not to be doing it under my real name. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/70 "2003-11-06T15:11:12Z")
I for one appreciate what you did with your parents, **Daniel**. Our relationships were a great heaping mess for many years and we are only now able to hold civil conversations. Of course, it was a little different for me since they were divorced and I was the proverbial “ref-headed stepchild” to my mom’s new hubby. Actually being able to sit down with them all and discuss things in an adult manner would have been refreshing, but alas, I didn’t (and still don’t) trust them to be anything more than some people I visit every few months. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/71 "2003-11-06T15:18:55Z")
Thanks, **Gorgon**! This is a post I tried to put up yesterday afternoon, but was unable to do so, as the hamsters were too busy with their afternoon acid-trip: > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NinjaChick \* > \*\*4. About my mom giving me a ride: She’s not obligated to do so, no. Nor is she obligated to pay for my TKD training. I don’t claim she is (well, not when I’m thinking rationally). My problem is that she _knows_ how much it means to me, and if she’s pissed at me, she holds it over my head. If she were to say “Okay, no more of this,” stop paying, and refuse to drive me there, that would not mean the end of it for me. Most nights I do get a ride there and back, and I’ve talked to the head instructor about it: if I do a little more assistant teaching, he’d let me keep training for free. TKD isn’t just a hobby or a sport for me, it’s truly a huge part of who I am. There’s a spiritual level to it, for me, and my parents know that denying me training would be like keeping someone from going to church or synagogue. > \*\* Sorry I missed this in my general astonishment at the couple of dillweeds who decided to attack me out of the blue for the way I improved my relationship with my parents. **Ninjachick** , if your mom is using this as a threat against you, as blackmail, you may want to consider removing it from her control. That is, make the arrangements necessary so that you can get to and from class without her assistance. If she offers to give you a ride, turn it down with a smile; if she asks why, tell her it’s because you don’t want to get burned again with her using it as a threat against you. You’re at a point where you can (i.e., are capable of) making your own decisions. If you decide to do so, you risk inconveniencing yourself - but it may be worth the inconvenience if it gives you the control over your own life that you need. Obviously, I wouldn’t put up with threats like that were I you – but that’s a decision each person has to make for themselves, and there’s nothing wrong with deciding the threats are worth the assistance. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/72 "2003-11-06T16:00:28Z")
**Ninjachick** , your parents are obviously threatening and blackmailing you. I’m going to take it on faith of your explanations that they are unjustified in doing so. But if you follow **Dork’s** advice be ready to play a mental chess game with your mom. She uses the ride thing as a hot button to control you. If you manage to avoid that hurdle then she will find another one. If you can’t get through to your parents on this problem at a calm level (them being calm) you might want to seek out an intermediary (relative, school counselor, etc) who can approach your parents and give an unbiased opinion of the situation. Sometimes it takes a grey haired person to point out to your parents that guidance, not control, is the parental responsibility to teens. But I warn you again about following **Dork’s** advice. It works great for TV and possibly in his mind but you need to repair your relationship with your folks, not turn it into a mental duel. Bubba ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/73 "2003-11-06T16:09:51Z")
And **Dork** when you brag on a message board about emotionally threatening and blackmailing your parents, the repsonses you get aren’t “attacks out of the blue”. This being the pit I guess I should throw some profanity your way but I’m uncomortable with that as I’d feel like I was cursing to a child. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/74 "2003-11-06T16:14:45Z")
Just note, **Ninja** , that it worked wonderfully for me, but wouldn’t necessarily work for everyone. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/75 "2003-11-06T16:18:45Z")
**Bubba** , you’re a rude schmuck who can’t parse a post. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/76 "2003-11-06T16:30:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by phouka \* > \*\*And **whiterabbit** , where the hell did that hostility come from? That was uncalled for. \*\* The implication that she should shut up and just be grateful because her parents aren’t dead pissed me off. My dad died when I was seventeen. I’d give anything to have him back. But I wouldn’t use my missing him to thwack a teenager I don’t even know IRL with a guilt trip about her relationship with her folks. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/77 "2003-11-06T16:40:48Z")
Ya know, I have no dog in this fight since I’m childless, although I _can_ empathize with having a problematic parent (as my mother is pretty much insane herself, happily and willfully) and watching an un-motivated [step]child despite my husband’s best interests. But what amazes me most though is how so many people can wander into a thread and immediately project their own situations onto that of the OP. Usually, have shitty parents of your own? You massively side with someone also struggling along and offer hardy wisdom to get the fuck outta the situation, etc. Can’t believe a smart-assed kid would ever dare say such a thing? Then you better believe they’d never treat you that way if you’re the Momma or the Daddy! No. You’d have them eatin’ shit before you’d allow behavior like _this_. I mean, really guys, shouldn’t the case be judged on it’s own merits and advice given accordingly, rather than be bogged down with what has/hasn’t gone on in our lives? I’ve read quite a bit of **Ninjachick** ’s post on here and she doesn’t strike me as your typical slack-off whining individual (no matter what age we’re talking about). And regardless of a little hyperbolic ranting, she has some valid complaints that have already been addressed; like getting a school plan for her testing problems and seeking alternate ways to not be relying on her folks for her TKD activities. Above that, I think fixing the ‘clean the room while studying and working’ thing should be next on the list. Would a lock on your door work? How about offering an inspection time as soon as your done and before bed, to prove that everything’s back the way they like it prior to starting a new day? If neither of those work, maybe you could do your homework elsewhere. Just know that my heart goes out to you in this situation. I felt pretty frustrated by my mother’s controlling, irrational fear-mongering attitudes when I was your age (hell, I’m 35 and the woman is still VERY scary) and by trying to escape that death grip of hers, I almost ended up making some very awful decisions. So, try to understand that what you do now maybe more critical to your future than what they try to force on you. Use your maturity to pick wisely for yourself and not stoop to some sort of game-playing, manipulative level. And yes, there are plenty of people out there who do that, parents, children or otherwise. Having given or fostered birth doesn’t make one infallible or, as previously stated, not even destined to be in that position in the first place. We certainly have plenty of pit threads about such people. How hard is it to separate them from the others that folks get to bitch about? Sometimes, they are the ones we know. Good luck to you and here’s to hoping y’all can see eye-to-eye in a mutually supportive and healthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/78 "2003-11-06T16:54:24Z")
I agree with **hopefool’s** post, and apologize for my own projection. I was trying to offer my experience as a possible way to approach the situation, but I got caught up in the obnoxious attacks on me and let the thread be hijacked. My apologies. Folks, if you want ot continue being assholes to me, please start a new thread; I won’t respond to further attacks in this one, out of respect to **ninjachick**. **ninjachick** , best of luck on the situation; you’re probably at the hardest age for dealing with parents, in the transition between childhood and adulthood. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/79 "2003-11-06T17:23:07Z")
What **Dork** said. Except for the onion skin attitude. I won’t turn into a whining, overly sensitive baby if you disagree with any of my posts. Bubba ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2003, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277/80 "2003-11-06T17:50:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > \*\*Ah, yes. Of course. > > Just remember than in 10 years, 95-99% of your high school friends will not care if you’re alive or dead. You’ll have difficulty picking them out of a lineup, and vice versa. High school friendship lasts about two weeks into college. > > But you’ll still have the same parents. They may be frustrating, but running away from free food and rent would be appallingly stupid. \*\* Really? Funny, my core group of high school friends still keeps in touch, gets together at holidays, does regular road trips to hang out with each other an unprecedented **SIX** years after graduation. My best friend in high school is working on coming to my city for gradschool so we can live together. Yeah, the people who I didn’t care about in high school I still don’t care about, but my friends are still my friends, for the most part. (20% as opposed to your 99%) Beyond that, my mother’s best friend from high school is still one of her best friends. Lives across the country, but I’ve met her, stayed at her house, and e-mail one of her kids pretty regularly. On the parental issue, my parents encouraged the kind of thinking that **Dork** is getting jumped on for. (minus the really bad attitude) My parents and I pretty much talked out rules, privledges, and behaviors toward each other starting when I was pretty young. (One of my earliest memories is making pie charts for the meeting where I proposed a raise in my allowence and what subsequent increase in my responcibilities I was willing to take on.) If you can’t deal with your parents on a very “professional” level (either because you can’t hold a level of maturity or they can’t) get a third party in to mediate. State your issues (TKD, the room clean thing, testing difficulties), what you are doing about it, what you would like help with, and put together a system that everyone can live with. Obviously, the current system isn’t working. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hate-my-parents/211277.md?page=5)