# I have a confession to make. When I see an attractive woman, in any context, my concentration shifts **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 9, 2019, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395 "2019-08-09T06:12:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2019, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/261 "2019-08-25T13:32:30Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Here’s a thought: > > How often in a day does a women think about her attractiveness? That is really her thinking about sex. > > Every time she changes her posture or facial expression to look better, every time she adjusts her clothing or thinks about how it fits, every time she thinks in a pleasant flirty way about how a guy might like her… that is a way of thinking about sexuality that, in our culture, is open to women, right? > > Or not? Me Maybe once in the morning when I’m getting dressed for the day. And if I’m thinking “do I want the t-shirt with the map of the island, which is cool, or the older one that has a reproduction of a painting of north point?” I’m really not thinking about sex. Yes, I care how people react to the shirt, but I don’t expect anyone to find either of those baggy t-shirts sexy. In fact, I expect both to make people think about the island and not about me. I get the sense that you think women are constantly thinking about attracting men sexually. There are a lot of women out there. Perhaps some are. But I, personally, find this notion offensive. When I think of sex in random social situations, I am thinking “he’s hot”, not “does he think I am hot?” I am an actor in my interior monologue, not decoration for others. > [@Max\_S](#): > > Is it pointless for me to try and understand why others are offended while I am not? > > ~Max It can be. Sometimes it’s best to just observe that people are offended by something and change your language to avoid that. I say this from first-hand experience. ☹ > [@thorny\_locust](#): > > … > I think that nate was after validation: that he wanted to come onto the Straight Dope and get people to back his theory that almost all men not only have objectifying sexual thoughts, but are entirely unable to control them; and that it’s utterly normal for men to be unable to concentrate on anything else if they happen to see a woman who they find sexually attractive. > > When that wasn’t what he got, he attempted to double down on it, and said that the men who were saying otherwise ought to just admit that they routinely behave in the same fashion. When that still wasn’t what he got, and instead he got advice about how to get his thoughts under control ranging from ‘look in the other direction’ to ‘better get treatment for a psychiatric condition’, he disappeared. > … This was my impression, too, which is why I’m delighted that Nate returned. Nate, because it’s a long thread, I’m going to repeat my point: When you say things that might be offensive (and you guessed this, since you started with an apology) it’s helpful to think about how others might react to the words you choose. Especially how “others” might react. Here, I think you only thought about how men might react to your thoughts, and you would have gotten a warmer reception if you had also thought about how women might read your thoughts. For instance, doing another level of processing and talking about your reaction, not just describing it, would make it less offensive. Instead of “All I can think of is I want to fuck that”, perhaps, “I am so distracted by my own sexual reaction that it interferes with talking to my wife and driving”. They both say pretty much the same thing, but the second is more self-aware, and less crude. ---
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/262 "2019-12-11T05:40:41Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > This was my impression, too, which is why I’m delighted that Nate returned. Nate, because it’s a long thread, I’m going to repeat my point: > > When you say things that might be offensive (and you guessed this, since you started with an apology) it’s helpful to think about how others might react to the words you choose. Especially how “others” might react. Here, I think you only thought about how men might react to your thoughts, and you would have gotten a warmer reception if you had also thought about how women might read your thoughts. > > For instance, doing another level of processing and talking about your reaction, not just describing it, would make it less offensive. Instead of “All I can think of is I want to fuck that”, perhaps, “I am so distracted by my own sexual reaction that it interferes with talking to my wife and driving”. They both say pretty much the same thing, but the second is more self-aware, and less crude. Sorry, I know this is a zombie thread but I was thinking about it today and decided to read some of it. I admit this thread was one of those things where it was too overwhelming for me to keep up with so I decided it was best to not reply which would dig myself into a deeper hole and resolve nothing. But I’ve been noticing more and more often on the SDMB which I’ve been reading since '99 is that discussion about offensive subjects is itself seen as offensive and I’d like to say thanks to the moderators for having patience with this thread. I’d like SDMB to be a place where we can discuss things in a mature way, so if someone, say me, streams my inner dialog in a certain situation into a message, that the inner dialog may be offensive but the post and message shouldn’t be. You can judge me by the transcribed dialog, but don’t be offended by the post. To reply to the above message, yes, I could have wrote it in a less-offensive way but it wouldn’t have been an accurate account of my inner-dialog and honestly, would be less interesting to me or to anyone else reading. I believe reading one’s actual thoughts on something is way more informative than a sanitized summarization. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2019, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/263 "2019-12-11T10:29:52Z")
> [@nate](#): > > … there was an attractive commentator (female) and it just sent my mind off into imagining having sex with her. It was distracting and I lost interest in the documentary. As others have said, it’s not discreetly admiring beauty that is your problem. It’s getting distracted - and you can change that if you want. > [@nate](#): > > I think if men were completely honest, they’d admit of the same sort of thing happening to them. Like an attractive woman can completely distract you from whatever you were doing. And you don’t have control over that. You can’t power through it. It just happens and you have to recognize it for what it is and accept it and move on and try to get back to whatever you were focused on before. Nah, you can learn to overcome that. Look, I like watching ‘Love Island’ because it’s full of stunning women. 😃 But I can still switch focus instantly e.g. if the phone rings. > [@nate](#): > > I’d bet my life it’s like this for 98% of males. Not a good bet. :eek: I’ve played in international chess tournaments and when a beautiful woman is playing I admire her looks. But I can keep my concentration and finish a game successfully (and the game lasts for several hours) … because I want to. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2019, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/264 "2019-12-12T10:22:49Z")
> [@glee](#): > > As others have said, it’s not discreetly admiring beauty that is your problem. > It’s getting distracted - and you can change that if you want. > > Nah, you can learn to overcome that. > Look, I like watching ‘Love Island’ because it’s full of stunning women. 😃 > But I can still switch focus instantly e.g. if the phone rings. > > Not a good bet. :eek: > > I’ve played in international chess tournaments and when a beautiful woman is playing I admire her looks. But I can keep my concentration and finish a game successfully (and the game lasts for several hours) … because I want to. I’ve always understood that was part of the difference between me and people who play in international chess tournaments. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2019, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/265 "2019-12-12T20:35:31Z")
1. Thinking how much you’d like to fuck someone is pretty damn normal. Women aren’t thought police - we don’t particularly care what you are thinking. What’s gross is making it known when your opinion isn’t welcome. 2. Why do you think women are never distracted by handsome men? 3. Implying that usage of a burka is justified, even partially so, because men then don’t need to work on controlling their urges is disgusting. And it’s not like rape isn’t a thing in Middle Eastern countries. 4. This post is a clusterfuck. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2019, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/266 "2019-12-12T20:46:36Z")
> [@Kovitlac](#): > > 1. Thinking how much you’d like to fuck someone is pretty damn normal. Women aren’t thought police - we don’t particularly care what you are thinking. What’s gross is making it known when your opinion isn’t welcome. Being unable to think about anything else, on the other hand, is a hair unusual. And concerning from somebody who drives on public roads. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/267 "2019-12-13T18:09:39Z")
> [@nate](#): > > There are some really good posts in this thread that have helped me understand why a phrase like that could be really offensive, although I think it is being WAY over-analyzed given the 1/2 second of thought I put into it. **THAT** , right there, is the problem. When people don’t think twice about referring to a person as “that”. A thing. We get that you didn’t put any thought into it, _and that is the problem._ ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/268 "2019-12-13T18:11:45Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > Being unable to think about anything else, on the other hand, is a hair unusual. And concerning from somebody who drives on public roads. Oh absolutely. After reading through a number of these posts, I was unaware just how much Nate was distracted by these women. I was thinking more along the lines of a momentary distraction that would be forgotten about seconds later. I was mistaken. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/269 "2019-12-13T18:31:08Z")
> [@nate](#): > > …To reply to the above message, yes, I could have wrote it in a less-offensive way but it wouldn’t have been an accurate account of my inner-dialog and honestly, would be less interesting to me or to anyone else reading. I believe reading one’s actual thoughts on something is way more informative than a sanitized summarization. How much less interesting? How much less offensive? Did you consider how interesting and offensive women might find your post, or only men? My real question is whether you recognize that women are people, too. ---
**Author:** ![Steven\_Maven](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steven_maven/32/3272_2.png) [@Steven\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steven_Maven)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/270 "2019-12-13T18:33:11Z")
> [@nate](#): > > I’d bet my life it’s like this for 98% of males. Are you familiar with the term “projection?” ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2019, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395/271 "2019-12-13T18:37:20Z")
> [@Kovitlac](#): > > 1. Thinking how much you’d like to fuck someone is pretty damn normal. Women aren’t thought police - we don’t particularly care what you are thinking. What’s gross is making it known when your opinion isn’t welcome. Yes, of course. I have to imagine that pretty much every adult human sometimes contemplates how much they’d like to fuck a random person who isn’t their partner. > [@Kovitlac](#): > > 1. Why do you think women are never distracted by handsome men? Does he think that, or does he just never think about it, because he isn’t very interested in the inner dialogues of women? > [@Kovitlac](#): > > 1. Implying that usage of a burka is justified, even partially so, because men then don’t need to work on controlling their urges is disgusting. And it’s not like rape isn’t a thing in Middle Eastern countries. Uh… yeah. When it’s risque to show an ankle, men get distracted by ankles. When everyone goes topless men don’t generally get distracted by breasts. I think it’s likely true that men need to work more on controlling their urges than women do. But you know, all normal adults can do this. That’s why the OP has never been jumped in the men’s room by a gay guy. That’s why most adults can function despite being in proximity to people who are sexually attractive. > [@Kovitlac](#): > > 1. This post is a clusterfuck. sigh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-confession-to-make-when-i-see-an-attractive-woman-in-any-context-my-concentration-shifts/838395.md?page=13)