# I have a dilemma, need opinion, especially from females **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 13, 2000, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400 "2000-07-13T04:22:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2000, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/41 "2000-07-18T18:57:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ponch \* > \*\*flower - you look like a stalker, what if her “other” sees it? What if she’s not interested? Then she’s stuck with a flower, and the dilemma of how to brush you off. \*\* How on Earth does sending a woman flowers make one look like a stalker? I am astonished. A stalker is an evil loser who won’t take “no” for an answer, someone who would follow a woman home and then hide in the shrubbery. MSK hasn’t even approached her yet. If her “other” sees it, then the poor dope knows he’s got competition, and may the better man win the fair lady’s heart! Personally, I think a note looks timid, and an e-mail looks lazy, like you’re a player casually trolling for chicks. “Hey, babe. Wanna?” is not the impression you want to make. Call her! If she’s not interested, she’ll let you know. ---
**Author:** ![ponch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bcef8e/32.png) [@ponch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ponch)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2000, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/42 "2000-07-18T20:24:57Z")
excuse my diction, a678932784023… my point, you don’t see someone for years, you strike up a casual conversation…you send flowers. you’re right, stalker is the wrong word, maybe loser is the right word. Too much of a wuss to call, but hey, let’s make you really uncomfortable by sending you flowers…you’re kinda skipping a step. ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2000, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/43 "2000-07-18T21:38:26Z")
I vote for calling her, even if you have to leave a message. Flowers do feel creepy. I don’t get wierded out by much, but I think I would start locking my door and stop changing in front of open windows. I love flowers, I even love surprise flowers. From someone I am already involved with. From someone who is a mere option, scary. Desperate, which factors into a mental calculation of just how desperate and crazy is this man? Some guy from high school shows up and randomly gives me a flower. Only way to make it look more like the bad beginning of a teen scream flick would be to leave it on the windshield of my car. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2000, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/44 "2000-07-18T21:41:34Z")
Lots of confusing advice here. I’ll add my 2 cents. Don’t send a red rose. Don’t do it. REALLY, I mean it. A red rose is way to powerful for a first signal. Trust me, from experience. I had a first date with a woman set up through a dating service. I thought I’d be romantically fun and bring one red rose. While waiting at the restaurant, I kept getting questions if it was our anniversary or if I was proposing. Should have been clues. She came, we had an okay time, I thought we were doing okay. She never returned my calls after that. Call her. Or send an email. Say you enjoyed running into her and would like to catch up. Lunch, coffee, something casual. A postcard or note or letter seems a little contrived in our spontaneous world. Maybe it can be cute, but I think it will just be easy to overlook. A phonecall has the advantage of seeming spontaneous, yet being personal. Of course you could end up getting a machine, and having to leave a message. Consider that possibility ahead of time, and draft a message so you don’t sound completely stupid. An email will also work, if you can find her email address. But realize that the more complex the contact method, the more effort it takes to find that info, the more she is going to notice you took effort, and that can be a good or a bad thing. I say call her. But this is advice from a guy who can’t get a date to save the world. ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2000, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/45 "2000-07-18T22:04:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Medea’s Child \* > \*\*I vote for calling her, even if you have to leave a message. > > Flowers do feel creepy. I don’t get weirded out by much, but I think I would start locking my door and stop changing in front of open windows. I love flowers, I even love surprise flowers. From someone I am already involved with. From someone who is a mere option, scary. Desperate, which factors into a mental calculation of just how desperate and crazy is this man? Some guy from high school shows up and randomly gives me a flower. Only way to make it look more like the bad beginning of a teen scream flick would be to leave it on the windshield of my car. \*\* Well, but he’s not a total stranger. And it’s not out of the blue; they did talk the other day. I would say hold off on flowers unless and until they go out on a date. Then, if she opens the door and sees MSK standing there with his shoes shined and his hair neatly combed and parted down the middle and with his best bowtie on and a big Andy Hardy grin on his face, clutching two or three flowers in a tissue (instead of a big bouquet)…why, we’d be right proud o’ ya, son. Oh: and “The Meaning of Flowers” favors red tulips for “a declaration of love.” Just so you know. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2000, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/46 "2000-07-18T22:25:50Z")
Count me in the “DON’T SEND FLOWERS” category. I’d send her a little note, but just say "Good hearing from you again. John " or something equally short and light. And be sure to use stationery that includes your e-mail address. (You can create your own easily on the computer.)So she knows where to reach you if she wants, but she doesn’t feel pressured into doing so – like she would if you sent her flowers. And do it SOON, cause the later you wait, the less likely you’ll do it. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/47 "2000-07-19T00:25:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by handy \* > \*\* > Flowers are for ANYTIME. Just pick the right ones. > > Phone calls say you are too lazy to come in person. > > Email says you are too lazy or uninterested to call. > > Go see her, ask her, ‘what time would you like to have dinner tonight, 530pm or 630pm?’ \*\* I totally disagree with that last one–going to her home or workplace would be far more stalker-like than sending a flower. I would be very creeped out if a guy showed up where I was unless I knew in advance he was coming. ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/48 "2000-07-19T00:30:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by stuyguy \* > \*\* > (Hey dpr, what is it with you Australian guys and the humorless 3-consonant handles… namely dpr and pLt? Just a coincidence?) \*\* It’s a poor household: we can’t afford vowels. And who says they’re humourless? You obvioulsy don’t know what they stand for… ---
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/49 "2000-07-19T00:43:29Z")
I will not bite. ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/50 "2000-07-19T00:53:48Z")
oh and btw… \*\* CALL HER MSK!!! \*\* ---
**Author:** ![pLt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eb9ed0/32.png) [@pLt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pLt)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/51 "2000-07-19T01:54:48Z")
MSK you have nothing to lose and everything to gain here … Make the call, be casual and be polite and most importantly be yourself. All you are doing is suggesting coffee. If I have to make the phone call for you I won’t be impressed. For script help see my first post all the way at the top of the page. If worst comes to worst, you can fly to Australia and become a student at my 'Slutboy Academy for Debauchery and Sleaziness" ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/52 "2000-07-19T09:51:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Medea’s Child \* > \*\*I don’t get wierded out by much, but I think I would start locking my door and stop changing in front of open windows…Only way to make it look more like the bad beginning of a teen scream flick would be to leave it on the windshield of my car. \*\* Tell me, do you pay ANY ATTENTION AT ALL during these teen scream flicks? Changing in front of open windows makes you the **first** woman to get offed during said films. At least if you get the flower on the windshield, you MIGHT be the female lead, and you’d at least have half a chance of surviving the flick. Please tell me that you at least one of the following\*\* isn’t\*\* true: You’re pretty. You’re blonde. You’re not a virgin. Otherwise…well, I hope you weren’t planning to be in the sequel…unless it’s as “the twin sister”. Re the OP: I agree with the majority of the others: Call her. ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/53 "2000-07-19T10:06:38Z")
You haven’t seen this person in a while. Things have happened in your life that she doesn’t know about, and vice versa. If you are interested, the best advice is to take it slowly. Get to know her in a “no strings attached” way – not only is she already “with partner”, but you aren’t much more than an acquaintance to her at the moment. Phone or email (they’re both casual enough forms of communication) and suggest a coffee or lunch. Dinner, maybe, but I think dinner may look more like a date than lunch does. If you phone and end up speaking to her partner, well, don’t panic. You’re an old friend who bumped into her and wants to catch up – nothing to feel guilty about. A letter is a beautiful way to communicate, but can suggest that you’ve put a specially large amount of effort into contacting her – would you normally write to any of your other friends to suggest meeting, or just phone/email? Flowers suggest that right from the off you’re interested in more than just friendship. Even if this is the case, you could well scare her off at this early stage. Save them for much, much later. My best advice is to treat this like you would catching up with any other old friend. You’re more likely to damage a potential romance by rushing it than by taking it too slowly, in my humble opinion. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400/54 "2000-07-19T10:10:03Z")
dont call her!!! send her a pigs heart, with 9 inch nails through it, surrounded by barbed wire in a heart shaped candy box. then strip naked, cover yourself in warpaint and go scream at her window for 2 days. sure-fire attention grabber. or else send her a short note. oh, GOOD LUCK! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-dilemma-need-opinion-especially-from-females/25400.md?page=2)