# I have a hemorrhoid. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 21, 2005, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352 "2005-04-21T02:47:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/41 "2005-04-21T12:11:04Z")
Innie? Outie? Elastics and raisins? Good lord - I just want to move to Oregon and look at doctor assisted suicide. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/42 "2005-04-21T14:26:14Z")
Look, anymore a hemmorhoid is not a death sentence. You just have to take caution in the future. I was in my mid-20’s when I got a terrible case which lasted some time. Eventually I’ve been able to control it by controlling stress in my life and being careful about my defecatory techinques-- now things only get bad in periods of extreme stress. Key: be exceedingly regular. Drink a couple of coffees and go before you leave for work in the morning. Don’t strain too much. Don’t squat for long periods. Etc. Think of it like having herpes-- it may stick around but will only flare up if your system’s already a bit compromised. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/43 "2005-04-21T15:12:48Z")
What disturbs me is that this thread isn’t in the Pit. I think the OP secretly enjoys his hemorrhoid. ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/44 "2005-04-21T15:16:08Z")
Don’t take too long on the toilet, that’s good advice. Try not to read on the toilet. All of that puts extra strain down there. Drink lots of water, and avoid spicy foods–you won’t want to deal with post-Indian or Mexican diahrrea now. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/45 "2005-04-21T15:17:06Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > What disturbs me is that this thread isn’t in the Pit. > > I think the OP secretly enjoys his hemorrhoid. :eek: :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/46 "2005-04-21T15:18:16Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > What disturbs me is that this thread isn’t in the Pit. > > I think the OP secretly enjoys his hemorrhoid. Yeah, and asspain isn’t just a town in Colorado. I wanted advice and I figured that I would only get grief in The Pit. Actually, this is just a test to see how many people I could get intested in my ass. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/47 "2005-04-21T15:19:51Z")
Well, you know, the only way to see any interest is to post pictures… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/48 "2005-04-21T15:26:13Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > Well, you know, the only way to see any interest is to post pictures… 😉 Well, I will be heading up to Deerhurst at the end of July. Hopefully the 'roid will be gone by then, but you are welcome to come to the Toronto airport and look for yourself 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/49 "2005-04-21T18:33:54Z")
I had them pretty bad last time I was pregnant. I swear to god a baby arm was hanging out of my butt. I was at work lumbering around and I went back to the warehouse to talk to some of the shop guys. Being 8 1/2 months pregnant, they offered me the tiny, plywood stool to sit on. Being 8 1/2 months pregnant, I shreiked “Why don’t you just shove a metal spike up my ass?” and walked away in tears. I told my doctor about it and he gave me demerol. I didn’t end up using it, but it was there just in case. I loved my doc. I always noticed a definite arc in the timeline of mine. Day one - starting to flare, Day two and/or three - blinding pain, days after that - downhill slide to normalcy. Mine took less than a week each time to return to normal as long as I didn’t do anything to anger the Ass God. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/50 "2005-04-21T19:56:52Z")
> [@Rez](#): > > Mine took less than a week each time to return to normal as long as I didn’t do anything to anger the Ass God. I am just trying to imagine what kind of shit storm an angry Ass God could rain down on the unsuspecting. ---
**Author:** ![Cranky\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Cranky\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cranky_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/51 "2005-04-21T20:00:35Z")
While I realize hemorrhoids are not funny (having one myself) this thread has made me laugh several times…especially the reference to the Ass God. So far mine is just itchy, sometimes intensely so. If that means it’s healing, why hasn’t it gone away?! ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/52 "2005-04-21T21:55:27Z")
> [@racer72](#): > > Then they have to dialate you. This is done with a large stainless steel dialator, think Stanley thermos with a rounded top. I was able to watch parts on a little TV and when the doctor’s hand disappeared from view, yes it was inside of me, I chose to close my eyes till they were done. Oh. My. God. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2005, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/53 "2005-04-21T22:00:59Z")
> [@bubba jr](#): > > Then there was this friend of mine that had to have one cut out at the doctors office and his ass was so fat the sectretary had to come in and hold his cheeks apart, I seriously hope she got a bonus. That’s actually not uncommon. I used to work in a multi-speciality medical clinic. I had to be the designated driver for one of the new girls who had to sub in the surgery department one day. She needed to get drunk after work after holding five different sets of buttocks apart in the course of the day (for rubberband hemmorhoid surgery). ---
**Author:** ![LorieSmurf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a587f6/32.png) [@LorieSmurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LorieSmurf)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/54 "2005-04-22T12:57:44Z")
> [@racer72](#): > > If it’s an inny, ice can provide immediate relief. Fill the fingers of a latex glove with water and hang in your freezer. When the pain becomes unbearable, take an ice finger, slide it in and sit on the toilet while it melts. I’m surprised people haven’t commented on this yet. I mean, really people. Come on! ---
**Author:** ![Kitchen\_Wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f08c70/32.png) [@Kitchen\_Wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kitchen_Wench)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/55 "2005-04-22T13:05:51Z")
> [@lisacurl](#): > > That’s actually not uncommon. I used to work in a multi-speciality medical clinic. I had to be the designated driver for one of the new girls who had to sub in the surgery department one day. She needed to get drunk after work after holding five different sets of buttocks apart in the course of the day (for rubberband hemmorhoid surgery). Now I’m feeling self-consious. I’m not sure the relief is worth the humiliation. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/56 "2005-04-22T13:55:35Z")
Yeah, I had to buy my boyfriend a few drinks after he spent a day holding cheeks apart to burn off anal herpes. Oh, and I’m glad you liked the reference to the Ass God. But do not laugh too loud. If he hears you, he will rain down bowel dysfunction upon your house until no cream, no ice, no wipe will cure your pain. The thing that makes the Ass God most vengeful? Making fun of people with hemorrhoids(dear god, we have to be in pain, why can’t we have a simple spelling at least?) - you see, the Ass God is in league with the Karma Chameleon. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352/57 "2005-04-22T14:15:13Z")
It seems that I have pleased the Ass God. My hemorrhoid is in full retreat - much better today. If the current rate of improvment continues, mya ass will be back to its old self by Sunday. Thanks to everyone who has taken a special interest in the well being of my ass. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-a-hemorrhoid/300352.md?page=2)