# I have been defeated by squirrels **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 14, 2015, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418 "2015-12-14T14:47:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2015, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/21 "2015-12-15T18:05:05Z")
> [@intergalactic gladiator](#): > > my across-the-alley neighbor is an artist whose medium is metal. A little while ago he was telling me a story about a coworker of his who made a bird feeder with a trebuchet on it. Birds landing on the contraption wouldn’t trigger it but the squirrel would because of its weight and the critter would be hurled off the device and out of the yard. I would pay money to see a squirrel launching trebuchet in action. please get a picture of this!!! ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2015, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/22 "2015-12-15T19:32:32Z")
Welcome your new squirrel overlords. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2015, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/23 "2015-12-15T19:55:54Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Bird feeders with wire cages surrounding the feeder/perches work well (birds easily get through the meshwork, squirrels can’t). > > The bushy-tailed rats also can’t get at suet suspended in a similar container. > > They still do a fair business cleaning up seed that falls to the ground. I had one of those, but the tree rats figured out how to open the cap where you fill the feeder. I now have a [truly squirrel-proof feeder](http://www.amazon.com/Brome-Squirrel-Buster-Feeder-Cardinal/dp/B0007LQ3RQ/ref=sr_1_3?s=lawn-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1450209439&sr=1-3&keywords=squirrel+proof+bird+feeder) that closes the feed ports when there is too much weight on the perch ring. It’s also too long and slippery for a squirrel to hang down from the top to keep the ports from closing. They’re a bit pricey, however. ---
**Author:** ![TheFella](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@TheFella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFella)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2015, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/24 "2015-12-15T23:45:29Z")
I too have had a running battle with the local squirrels. Although there may be some unsubstantiated and vicious rumors (I’m looking at you, BrassyPhrase) about my squirrel hatred, I harbor them no ill will at all. But I do object to them hogging the birdseed and keeping the birds from getting it. The birds drop a LOT onto the ground, and the squirrels are more than welcome to that. Anyway, as described above, our squirrels have proven to be quite clever at working around any temporary barrier I put in their way. The “drop from the tree” maneuver was temporarily halted by a spikey bent coathanger “hat” for the feeder, but was promptly replaced by a side-in attack. Removing anything they could get a toehold to hang from worked for a while, and their efforts not to fall off were pretty entertaining. I had been building a webcam setup for my daughter’s horse barn, and used the prototype to stalk the squirrels and learn their tricks. Then, one day, I just got fed up. Walking by the back door, I see that the top to the feeder has been pried open, and a plush furry tail is extending out upwards as the little thief gorges himself on the sparrows’ rightful meal. I stepped out the back door, meaning to shoo the little varmint off, but (s)he was so engrossed in eating I wasn’t noticed. In a stealthy and ninja-like move, I leapt over to the feeder and slammed the top shut. GOT YOU! Now it’s me and the squirrel, eye-to-eye. My initial thrill of victory is now giving way to the need for an effective endgame. Clearly the squirrel is NOT happy. And those little teeth/claws look sharp enough to do some damage, let alone the prospect of a rabies shot. We stare at each other through the feeder glass in an icy standoff. Finally after long and careful consideration (OK, I didn’t have a Plan B) I decide to flip the lid open while simultaneously pitching the feeder up and then down. An explosion of flying birdseed and fur ensued. That sucker leaped as if he had been launched from a squirrel-o-pult, and must have covered a good 15 feet of ground before hitting the deck running. Don’t think I’ve seen THAT squirrel around for a while. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2015, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/25 "2015-12-15T23:55:12Z")
> [@TheFella](#): > > … We stare at each other through the feeder glass in an icy standoff. Finally after long and careful consideration (OK, I didn’t have a Plan B) … A. Bucket B. Water Submerge and hold Then: A. shallow hole in ground B. Dirt ---- OR ---- A. Plastic bag B. Garbage can ---- OR ---- A. Patch of ground (let nature take its course) ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/26 "2015-12-15T23:57:22Z")
> [@TheFella](#): > > An explosion of flying birdseed and fur ensued. That sucker leaped as if he had been launched from a squirrel-o-pult, and must have covered a good 15 feet of ground before hitting the deck running. > > Don’t think I’ve seen THAT squirrel around for a while. And—We now put peanuts out or the squirrels! ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/27 "2015-12-16T00:05:38Z")
> [@BrassyPhrase](#): > > And—We now put peanuts out or the squirrels! I meant FOR. ugh! They still attack the bird feeder. It’s fun. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/28 "2015-12-16T01:57:29Z")
> [@Kelevra](#): > > I have been defeated by squirrels It’s okay. So was [Thanos](http://i.stack.imgur.com/mTB9V.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/29 "2015-12-16T03:51:02Z")
I will repeat my wife’s recipe for squirrel poison for those who haven’t seen it: Take a lump of peanut butter, mix in an equal-ish amount of salt, top with Cheeto balls smeared into it, and put it where they will find it. Like many animals, squirrels love salt. However, their little kidneys can’t handle that much. Kids, crows, dogs and other desirable creatures can, but will find this a bit too salty, anyway. Squirrels won’t and lick the plate clean. They then scamper off and die of kidney failure someplace else. The crows and dogs then eat the corpses, making this self-cleaning with no fear of poisoning them. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/30 "2015-12-16T04:31:56Z")
I guess I lucked out. I only get a rock squirrel, “Grizzled Greedigut,” who vacuums up seeds on the ground and hides in his den when the weather is cold. The only concern about rock squirrels is that they sometimes carry plague. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/31 "2015-12-16T04:54:21Z")
Oh, and if you think you’ve got it bad, my mother’s birdfeeder attracts raccoons. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/32 "2015-12-16T04:59:40Z")
Squirrels can be dangerous. Here’s a story about one that [defeated a motorcyclist and two cops](http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html). > [@](#): > > Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2015, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/33 "2015-12-16T20:00:49Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > My across-the-alley neighbor is an artist whose medium is metal. A little while ago he was telling me a story about a coworker of his who made a bird feeder with a trebuchet on it. Birds landing on the contraption wouldn’t trigger it but the squirrel would because of its weight and the critter would be hurled off the device and out of the yard. I would pay money to see a squirrel launching trebuchet in action. A bit of a silly squirrel-related post (I would seem to have an excess of time on my hands) from the UK, where we have our own particular squirrel situation. The grey squirrel _(Sciurus carolinensis_) of the eastern parts of North America, was introduced to Britain initially not quite 150 years ago, by non-malicious but short-sighted people who thought it would be a nice addition to British wildlife. The American grey squirrel has proved more robust / hardy / adaptable than the more small and dainty – and in many people’s view, more attractive – native British / European red squirrel (_Sciurus vulgaris_); and for the past century-and-a-half has progressively expanded its range, driving the red squirrel out of its previously-occupied ecological niche; so that nowadays grey squirrels occupy most of the British Isles, with the native red kind hanging on – in decline – in the outer fringes and isolated outposts. Conservationists here, are trying all possible means to help the native red squirrel to hold on, and to stem the onslaught of the grey variety. One such stratagem is feeders specifically for squirrels, for use in areas where both species occur – constructed to yield food for red squirrels, but not grey ones. The simplest way to do this – and one often used – is to surround the feeder with a wire mesh, so patterned for size that it will admit the smaller red squirrels, but not the bigger grey kind. I was sure, though, that I’d seen a description of a feeder device (brought to mind by this marvellous squirrel-trebuchet, above) in which by mechanical means, red squirrels got fed; but grey squirrels were denied food, and were hurled off toward the ground. This would seem to have to be rather complicated. If things were the other way round, presumably the heavier animal would be able to trip the mechanism to get to the food, and the lighter one wouldn’t; but it’s the opposite effect that’s needed here. Attempted Googling failed to bring up anything about this device; and I’m wondering whether I perhaps imagined the whole thing. By the way – I’ve spent most of my life variously in the middle, and south, of England – so have encountered far more grey squirrels than red ones. I reckon the greys to be quite sweet; but I’d like them better back in America, than here. And, **Northern Piper** , love your son’s theory of squirrels’ excretory habits; can’t wait to acquaint squirrel aficionados over here, with same. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2015, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/34 "2015-12-17T12:42:17Z")
[What](http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VQ7372) [are you](http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VK6891) [wearing](http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VP5031) [del] **Jake from State Farm** [/del] **Kelevra**? > [@Morgyn](#): > > Squirrels can be dangerous. Here’s a story about one that [defeated a motorcyclist and two cops](http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html). **Morgyn** , you bastard, NSFW that! Not for smutty content, but for the inability to keep quiet & have people think you might actually be working. Hard to pull that off when you’re ROFL. :mad: - 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2015, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/35 "2015-12-17T13:49:39Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > I will repeat my wife’s recipe for squirrel poison for those who haven’t seen it: Take a lump of peanut butter, mix in an equal-ish amount of salt, top with Cheeto balls smeared into it, and put it where they will find it. Like many animals, squirrels love salt. However, their little kidneys can’t handle that much. Kids, crows, dogs and other desirable creatures can, but will find this a bit too salty, anyway. Squirrels won’t and lick the plate clean. They then scamper off and die of kidney failure someplace else. The crows and dogs then eat the corpses, making this self-cleaning with no fear of poisoning them. This sounds both wonderful and cruel, but when I Google “death by kidney failure” it seems that it is actually a fairly gentle way to die. If that’s the case, then I would definitely consider this approach. ---
**Author:** ![Kelevra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/97f17d/32.png) [@Kelevra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kelevra)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2015, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/36 "2015-12-17T14:32:03Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > [What](http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VQ7372) [are you](http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VK6891) [wearing](http://www.thewirelesscatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=VP5031) [del] **Jake from State Farm** [/del] **Kelevra**? The second one is definitely how I feel! Sunday I saw a news show that reported on a squirrel cook-off. Maybe I can host the next one. I’ll provide the squirrels! ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2015, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/37 "2015-12-18T05:43:09Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > **Morgyn** , you bastard, NSFW that! Not for smutty content, but for the inability to keep quiet & have people think you might actually be working. Hard to pull that off when you’re ROFL. :mad: - 😃 Glad you enjoyed it. I shared it with a friend on Facebook who rides, and his reaction apparently brought his son running into the house to find out if he was okay. It brings \*me \*to tears every time I read it. ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2015, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/38 "2015-12-18T15:38:16Z")
If you can’t beat them, [mock them](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM2okGE4a-8). ---
**Author:** ![TheFella](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@TheFella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFella)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2015, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418/39 "2015-12-19T00:52:56Z")
> [@Trom](#): > > If you can’t beat them, [mock them](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM2okGE4a-8). If you can’t beat them, [LAUNCH them.](http://comedywildlifephoto.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Highly-Commended-Julian-Rad-715x1024.jpg) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-been-defeated-by-squirrels/740418.md?page=1)