# I have decided to start a slap-on-demand service **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 18, 2011, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681 "2011-09-18T01:34:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/1 "2011-09-18T01:34:57Z")
Recently a batch of Monica Bellucci model hookerbots came out bad in such a way that, [while they were still ridiculously hot](http://mastcelebs.net/upload/MonicaBellucci3.jpg), they were – well, let’s just say ill-suited for hookerbotry. I thought about recycling them but despite the smoothness of their nether regions, [they still look like Monica Bellucci](http://www.wallpaperbase.com/wallpapers/celebs/monicabellucci/monica_bellucci_10.jpg), and as they had started crying I couldn’t make myself open the lava pit. Instead I have decided to repurpose them to deliver slaps on demand. This service is just what it sounds like. For only $2, you can have a Bellucci slapbot walk up to any single person you designate (other than me and mine), explain the victim’s misdeeds, and give them the chance to apologize. If the victim refuses to apologize they’ll be given a single open-handed slap on both cheeks. If the victim apologizes they’ll be slapped on just the left cheek. After all these are slapbots and not fulfilling their purpose makes them cry and I cannot bear the thought of Monica Bellucci crying and anyone who could countenance such a thing needs to be slapped. Only one slap-session victim per week allowed. That includes Nancy Grace and Fred Phelps and even that Dr. Phil. You may designate multiple parties to be slapped, but bear in mind that the second victim costs $4, the third $8, and so on. If you nominate a person to be slapped who has already been slapped that week you may choose another. The Bellucci-bots are programmed not to harm children, so if you name a child to be slapped you yourself will be slapped until the faux-Monica either gets bored or decides you have matured. Any takers? Whom will you have slapped, and what message would you like delivered first? (Note: Dopers are not eligible for slaps.) ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/2 "2011-09-18T02:08:01Z")
Woo-hoo! Starting my list now… ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/3 "2011-09-18T02:16:54Z")
I would pay $2 to have a woman that looks like that give me a good slap ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/4 "2011-09-18T02:19:41Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > I would pay $2 to have a woman that looks like that give me a good slap Sounds like a personal problem, as you’re a Doper and the Bellucci-bots don’t slap Dopers. Not even what’s-his-name. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/5 "2011-09-18T02:20:16Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > I would pay $2 to have a woman that looks like that give me a good slap I think there are plenty of men who would and do regularly pay quite a bit more than $2 for this very service. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/6 "2011-09-18T02:21:33Z")
What if the slapee is wrongfully accused of the misdeeds? Is actual guilt necessary, or are the alleged misdeeds just another part of the service? One assumes that they could simply send the Belluccibots after their wrongful accuser for retaliatory slaps. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Girlfriend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.girlfriend/32/193_2.png) [@Dr.Girlfriend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Girlfriend)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/7 "2011-09-18T03:21:16Z")
Ooh! Ooh! I’ll take one! I have a co-worker who could use some sense slapped into her. I’m sure I’ll think of more people who need slapped as I go along. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/8 "2011-09-18T03:38:41Z")
First, are you going to offer any sort of premier subscription service on this? Second, do you count high schoolers as children? (As a former substitute teacher, I have a little list . . . ) ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/9 "2011-09-18T04:06:25Z")
Slapping? Psshh. When you start making stabbots, then perhaps we can talk. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/10 "2011-09-18T04:45:47Z")
In the comic strip “Get Fuzzy”, Bucky Katt learns of poet laureates. He then decides to become a “slap you upside the head laureate”. Rob (the human in the strip) tells him that nobody will pay for this. Bucky says that he will provide it as a free service. Coming from Bucky, that’s quite a humanitarian gesture. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/11 "2011-09-18T04:54:56Z")
[The second list](http://www.venturefans.org/vbwiki/Col._Gentleman's_Lists) ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/12 "2011-09-18T06:50:53Z")
Now, when you say “cheek,” which set of cheeks did you have in mind? The upper cheeks or the ones down lower? ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/13 "2011-09-18T16:34:02Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Slapping? Psshh. When you start making stabbots, then perhaps we can talk. Or at least bots that administer a Boot To The Head. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/14 "2011-09-18T18:13:52Z")
Why the doesn’t slap dopers rule? I need her to slap my bare naked bottom while saying “You’re a bad boy.” And I’ll need a volume discount. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/15 "2011-09-18T18:55:35Z")
That second picture is more airbrush than actual human being. But since they’re bots, I assume airbrushing is part of the standard design? Can I set up a weekly-recurring slap of the same person, to continue until their death in the indeterminate future? And do slapbots request or require tips? ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/16 "2011-09-18T22:41:54Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Can I set up a weekly-recurring slap of the same person, to continue until their death in the indeterminate future? And do slapbots request or require tips? This. I’m so up for this 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/17 "2011-09-18T22:46:25Z")
On a related note, I have been thinking of becoming a Life Coach. When clients enter my office, I will take them by the shoulders, shake them soundly, and scream “_STOP FUCKING UP!_” at them. Then charge them $1,000. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2011, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/18 "2011-09-18T23:51:29Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > On a related note, I have been thinking of becoming a Life Coach. When clients enter my office, I will take them by the shoulders, shake them soundly, and scream “_STOP FUCKING UP!_” at them. > > Then charge them $1,000. Like [Bob Newhart](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw)? ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2011, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/19 "2011-09-19T06:34:02Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > On a related note, I have been thinking of becoming a Life Coach. When clients enter my office, I will take them by the shoulders, shake them soundly, and scream “_STOP FUCKING UP!_” at them. > > Then charge them $1,000. And actually, that’s what a lot of people need. And you gotta charge them the grand so they’ll believe that your advice is valuable. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2011, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681/20 "2011-09-19T07:15:45Z")
Please sign me up for a slap to [Chimera’s neighbor](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=14259203&postcount=382), and one to my idjit coworker/ex-flatmate who does things like freak out if a cup has been placed to dry with the handle “on the wrong side” (I’m sort’a not-exactly ambidexterous, the handle was on the left so you couldn’t see the picture - o tempora, o mores!) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-decided-to-start-a-slap-on-demand-service/596681.md?page=2)