# I have goblins in my pants, please Straight Dope, tell me a factual answer to getting rid of them. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 21, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951 "2010-12-21T14:02:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/21 "2010-12-21T15:50:13Z")
> [@Paranoid\_Randroid](#): > > If the question _is_ genuine, where exactly should it go? It’s an undeniably silly question, but if the OP is looking for some answer, I’m not sure what else you could do about it. Presumably a similar question about some more mainstream religious topic would belong in GQ; this isn’t inherently more or less dumb (er, in my opinion, anyway). It would still go in GQ, but there shouldn’t be a mod post forbidding “Dude, there are no ghosts!” responses, because if you want factual answers, that’s the one. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/22 "2010-12-21T15:56:19Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > So now I know where to post my question about how to get into water dowsing. First thing you need to know – and for some reason this never is accurately portrayed in the media – is that “divining rod” is a euphemism and you needn’t bother finding the right kind of willow twigs. ---
**Author:** ![Kinthalis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kinthalis/32/16084_2.png) [@Kinthalis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kinthalis)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/23 "2010-12-21T16:01:04Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > I can’t tell if the part I bolded is a typo, a deliberate woosh/wink, or some serious mixups (like people who say “an old wise tale” or “it’s a doggy-dog world”) but … can we cow tow to cow mutes while we’re at it? Because that would really take it to the next level. Every word ice speak is a deliver-rate men-sured and calk culated egg sample of perfect prose and grandma. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/24 "2010-12-21T16:02:31Z")
Rid-x ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/25 "2010-12-21T16:02:35Z")
To me the obvious answer to removing goblins from one’s pants is to simply avoid wearing pants. ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/26 "2010-12-21T16:05:45Z")
> [@jayjay](#): > > It would still go in GQ,… imho, imho would be a better fit. There aren’t helpful factual answers, but someone may have an opinion that helps the guy decide to add ghostblocking corners to every entrance to his home. Validating bs with a mantle of ‘fact’ Undermines the ignorance fighting slogan of the site. Or is it ONLY a slogan nowdays? ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/27 "2010-12-21T16:07:42Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > To me the obvious answer to removing goblins from one’s pants is to simply avoid wearing pants. No. That still leaves them in the pants, it just keeps them away from your body. Fire is the only way. I’d suggest taking the pants off first. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/28 "2010-12-21T16:10:01Z")
> [@Squink](#): > > imho, imho would be a better fit. You’re right. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/29 "2010-12-21T16:16:48Z")
> [@stpauler](#): > > I have goblins in my pants, please Straight Dope, tell me a factual answer to getting rid of them. Taking a bath will get rid of most varieties of goblin by drowning them. If you are unfortunate enough to have a water goblin infestation however they’ll become hyperactive and suck you down the drain, so caution is advised. With water goblins, bathe in a tub filled with strong alcohol to stun them, then peel them off one by one. ---
**Author:** ![XT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xt/32/456_2.png) [@XT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XT)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/30 "2010-12-21T16:24:04Z")
I suppose it depends on how you look at the linked OP in GQ. There ARE purported ways of raising ghosts in just about every culture out there. Leaving aside the fact that the OP thinks (supposedly) that his house is really haunted, there are factual answers to the question. Culture A does X to raise ghosts. Culture B does Y. Etc. I’m not seeing the problem in moving this to GQ, though I probably would have moved it to IMHO, personally. One doesn’t have to believe in ghosts to give a factual answer on how different cultures in history looked at the problem. It’s like asking a question concerning religion…you don’t have to believe in god or the gods to answer such a question factually, based on historical evidence. -XT ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/31 "2010-12-21T16:28:46Z")
> [@Squink](#): > > Worst modding ever. As someone who reported the thread as being in the wrong forum (it was originally in GD), I have to say I was scratching my head over which forum it belonged in. As for the OP, I looooooove your title. I almost spit up my morning coffee when I read it. I have goblins in my pants… :D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/32 "2010-12-21T16:29:08Z")
> [@xtisme](#): > > One doesn’t have to believe in ghosts to give a factual answer on how different cultures in history looked at the problem. The OP asked for surefire methods. I don’t see any way to endorse any culture’s exorcism ritual without believing in their cosmology. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/33 "2010-12-21T16:30:34Z")
Goblins are less than one hit-die creatures, so you get one attack for each level you have attained per round against them. ---
**Author:** ![RedFury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ec9cab/32.png) [@RedFury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedFury)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/34 "2010-12-21T16:36:50Z")
> [@jayjay](#): > > It would still go in GQ, but there shouldn’t be a mod post forbidding “Dude, there are no ghosts!” responses, because if you want factual answers, that’s the one. Exactly. **Tom’s** instructions to accept the given premise as factual goes against everything the SDMB in general and GQ in particular supposedly stand for. Years ago I might have actually cared… ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/35 "2010-12-21T16:43:09Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Goblins are less than one hit-die creatures, so you get one attack for each level you have attained per round against them. I thought you were a druid, not a fucking fighter. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/36 "2010-12-21T16:44:31Z")
OK, I guess it makes sense that it should have been sent to IMHO, since the OP asks for “surefire” methods. And I’m still laughing my ass off over this thread’s title… ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/37 "2010-12-21T16:45:56Z")
[**Cecil** once wrote a column on the best ways to kill a vampire](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/37/whats-the-best-way-to-kill-a-vampire). I agree with **xtisme**. The proper way to deal with the question is to respond with what various cultures prescribe to get ghosts to show themselves. As to **stpauler** ’s issue, I actually prefer having goblins in my pants. Perhaps we can simply trade pants. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/38 "2010-12-21T16:47:12Z")
Why get rid of them? I love a good goblin… ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/39 "2010-12-21T16:47:19Z")
> [@](#): > > I have goblins in my pants, please Straight Dope, tell me a factual answer to getting rid of them. Manual stimulation of the affected parts usually helps. ---
**Author:** ![Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/half_man_half_wit/32/21766_2.png) [@Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Half_Man_Half_Wit)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/40 "2010-12-21T16:47:34Z")
I think the nod to the whole 2012 end of the world thing establishes the post as tongue pretty firmly in cheek, however earnestly asking about traditional ways to summon/exorcize/communicate with supposed spirits, a question to which there are indeed factual answers. Regardless, even if it’s completely in earnest, as somebody above has noted, other beliefs are tolerated in GQ as long as there’s a factual question pertaining to them; so, why not come here and ask? I mean, what’s the OP supposed to do? What would you do in such a situation? Who ya gonna call? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951.md?page=3)