# I have goblins in my pants, please Straight Dope, tell me a factual answer to getting rid of them. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 21, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951 "2010-12-21T14:02:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/81 "2010-12-22T00:16:16Z")
Has this one been done yet? Is that a goblin in your pants or are you just happy to see me? ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/82 "2010-12-22T01:32:19Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > Got something to tell me about Jesus? [Something about Jesus](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IONyLZn0pLI) (nsfw) ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/83 "2010-12-22T07:10:29Z")
For the OP, it is a known fact that goblins require a pole to dance around. So get the stick out of your ass and the goblins will be gone quicker than you can say it. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/84 "2010-12-22T08:01:52Z")
Set your pants on fire. Do **NOT** piss. Wait for the Goblins to leave the burning pants. **THEN** piss. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/85 "2010-12-22T08:26:23Z")
The problem with it being in IMHO is that you are mostly going to get joke responses, rather than information on the rituals of different cultures. Of course, if the OP wasn’t written as a joke, it probably could have stayed in GQ in the first place. Also, I like this loophole: joke threads go in the Pit. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/86 "2010-12-22T13:24:21Z")
Yes, a good mod would have sent the original thread straight to the Pit and gotten it over with 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/87 "2010-12-22T13:28:59Z")
The underwear bomber wasn’t trying to destroy the plane - he was dealing with an infestation of pants-goblins. ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/88 "2010-12-22T13:42:23Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Of course, if the OP wasn’t written as a joke, it probably could have stayed in GQ in the first place. Not with those fuckwitted special rules about what constitutes an acceptable answer. Having to dance around the edges of other poster’s irrationality is a special requirement in GD. It should NOT be exported to GQ. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/89 "2010-12-22T14:03:38Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > The underwear bomber wasn’t trying to destroy the plane - he was dealing with an infestation of pants-goblins. Next on Mythbusters… or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll bloowww your goblings away. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/90 "2010-12-22T14:23:44Z")
If you’re relatively lucky enough to have North American Goblins, they can be easily coaxed out with Hostess Suzy-Q’s. (Ding-Dongs will do in a pinch, but be sure to break them in half to expose the cream.) European Goblins will require a somewhat more complex procedure. You’ll need both an enticement _and_ a repellant. Any of a number of common varieties of garden slug should work fine as the repellent. Make sure there is no more than a 3/4 inch gap between each slug. For bait, you’ll need a concoction with a specific ratio of lutefisk, buttermilk, dark chocolate, and a number of asian spices. Check google for some recipes. If, god forbid, you’re infested with Australian or (very rare) Indonesian Goblins… I’m sorry. Get your affairs in order. Oh, and as for the thread discussed in the OP – Though, granted, it could have been asked in a more straightforward manner, I took it as a question about various cultural beliefs about ghosts, and GQ is as good a place as any for that. Lighten up. ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/91 "2010-12-22T14:58:49Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > If you’re relatively lucky enough to have North American Goblins, they can be easily coaxed out with Hostess Suzy-Q’s. (Ding-Dongs will do in a pinch, but be sure to break them in half to expose the cream.) Is that a goblin in your pants, a cream-filled Ding-Dong, or are you just happy to see me? Or were those last two questions redundant? ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/92 "2010-12-22T15:10:53Z")
> [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](#): > > Sorry, thought my atheism was well-known (given my username) and that ghosts and such would be lumped along with that. Didn’t think I needed to put all the disclaimers and such, but I should have known people would take it seriously and tell me that ghosts aren’t real. Thanks. Got something to tell me about Jesus? Because I haven’t heard about him or The Word either. > > At any rate, if you read further down you’ll see that I posted it drunk. I probably would’ve made the effort to post the disclaimers otherwise. Guess I’m not as famous around here as I previously believed… 🙂 Truthfully, I recognized your username but I was drawing a blank as far the kind of poster you were. Sometimes you really can’t tell who’s going to end up being woo-woo, even after several years of acquaintance, especially if that acquaintance is online. Plus, I may have just had a brainfart and didn’t “register” the tongue-in-cheek when I read it. Therefore, I officially change my vote to “blame the mod” (that’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek…see? Disclaimer!) for moving it to an unsuitable forum. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/93 "2010-12-22T16:37:30Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > European Goblins will require a somewhat more complex procedure. You’ll need both an enticement _and_ a repellant. Not to mention that they won’t go _anywhere_ when they’re on strike - which is roughly all of the time. ---
**Author:** ![RedFury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ec9cab/32.png) [@RedFury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedFury)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/94 "2010-12-22T17:14:44Z")
> [@xtisme](#): > > As I said…Windex (though that seems to be a Greek thing…in my family the cure all from my grandmother was Clorox). Dump some Windex or Clorox down your pants and goblins OR crabs will flee in panic. It’s good for sore throats and congestion too, as well as cleaning your engine or fixing your computer. It will also make your breath smell sweet and cure rheumatism… > > -XT Thanx bud. Methinks I’ll go with Windex for the streak-free, shiny nuts look. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/95 "2010-12-22T17:14:57Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > The underwear bomber wasn’t trying to destroy the plane - he was dealing with an infestation of pants-goblins. > [@billfish678](#): > > I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll **bloowww your goblings** away. But only if you buy me an airline dinner first. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/96 "2010-12-22T19:31:25Z")
Important distinctions must be made. Hobgoblins are detestable emanations, and no one can object if they are subjected to Phrandaal’s Excellent Prismatic Spray. Knobgolins, on the other hand, have certain endearing habits and might well be thought benign and wholesome, especially if they are willing to fetch a beer and a sandwhich during the game. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/97 "2010-12-22T19:49:51Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Important distinctions must be made. Hobgoblins are detestable emanations, and no one can object if they are subjected to Phrandaal’s Excellent Prismatic Spray. Knobgolins, on the other hand, have certain endearing habits and might well be thought benign and wholesome, especially if they are willing to fetch a beer and a sandwhich during the game. Jack Vance’s lawyers on line 1. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/98 "2010-12-23T01:54:51Z")
Keep them on hold, gotta look something up! Lessee, Forlorn Encystment…Forlorn Encycstment…ah! There! ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/99 "2010-12-24T20:29:31Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > If, god forbid, you’re infested with Australian or (very rare) Indonesian Goblins… I’m sorry. Get your affairs in order. Just more proof that every. fucking. thing. in Australia will kill you. You know how they say everything is bigger in Texas? It’s like that, but instead of the word “bigger” substitute the word “deadly, angry, and aiming for your testicles” - well, you get the point. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951/100 "2010-12-25T20:12:32Z")
I totally agree with the OP. There’s a difference between fighting ignorance and pandering to it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-goblins-in-my-pants-please-straight-dope-tell-me-a-factual-answer-to-getting-rid-of-them/564951.md?page=4)