# I have kidnapped Cecil
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [January 21, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772 "2010-01-21T00:44:04Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/1 "2010-01-21T00:44:04Z")
And if you ever want to see him again you will agree to my demands.
My demands are as follows:
1. I want Shea Stadium converted into the world’s largest ball pit.
2. I want McDonald’s to bring back the McDLT because I like the hot side hot and the cool side cool. It speaks to me as a metaphor for my life. A delicious, meaty metaphor.
3. I want March 11th to be named Joey Buttafuoco day. Not to praise him, but so we have an excuse to use “Buttafuoco” as an all-purpose verb for a day.
4. I want to see Lee Majors bend a solid iron bar in person. I bet he can’t. I bet he doesn’t even make that sound when he tries.
5. I want John Merrick’s bones dug up and buried next to Michael Jackson, because after all this time I think he’s earned them.
6. I want Ann Coulter to accept the terms of [Henry Rollins’ letter](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgSBhlw-o9E). (NSFW language)
7. I want a Klondike Bar.
8. I want a superpower. I want the ability to pants people from up to 20 feet away.
9. I want to spend a day riding around on Glenn Beck’s back like a pony, and when I say “Giddyap!” he will whinny. And he will eat grain from a feed bag.
10. I want speed bags in every gym in North America to cry out in pain when punched.
Did I forget anything? I feel like I forgot something. Perhaps I will come back with more when I have had time to think.
Anyway, each day that my demands are not met, I will subject Cecil to a new and terrifying form of torture. For example, if my demands are not met tomorrow, I will subject him to George W. Bush saying “nuculer” repeatedly for six straight hours. By the next day? I will make him read YouTube comments from vanity vloggers all day. The day after that? A week’s worth of Free Republic forum posts. Each day a new and more terrifying horror will be visited upon him, so I would advise you lot hop to it before I turn him into a drooling right wing talk radio anti-vax birther conspiracy theorist.
The clock starts nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow.
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### Author:  [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/2 "2010-01-21T00:48:45Z")
Cecil is so like five minutes ago.
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### Author:  [@Cyros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyros)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/3 "2010-01-21T00:50:02Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#):
>
> Cecil is so like five minutes ago.
I came for the Cecil but stayed for the pie.
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### Author:  [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/4 "2010-01-21T00:52:23Z")
Shea Stadium is now a parking lot. Will that do?
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/5 "2010-01-21T01:06:02Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#):
>
> Shea Stadium is now a parking lot. Will that do?
What?! When…how…oh, fie! Very well then, Dodger Stadium. Will that do?
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/6 "2010-01-21T01:08:23Z")
Would you mind adding making the powers that be here make a separate US American politics forum to your list of demands? That would be supercool.
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### Author:  [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/7 "2010-01-21T01:18:23Z")
1. I want a necromancer to raise Joseph Merrick, so that he may finally get people to stop calling him “John.”
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### Author:  [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/8 "2010-01-21T01:33:56Z")
You don’t have Cecil . . . _I_ do. I grabbed him years ago, and have him in “protective custody” for “his security” at an [un](http://maps.google.com/?ie=UTF8&ll=-2.657566,-66.065598&spn=0.088825,0.169086&t=h&z=13)disclosed location.
You fools. You’ve grabbed the wrong one! :smack::eek:😛
Tripler
And no, I won’t tell you where he is. . .
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### Author:  [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/9 "2010-01-21T01:52:10Z")
Nonsense. Cecil knows everything, so not only did he see this coming, he already has a plan for his escape.
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### Author:  [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/10 "2010-01-21T02:44:55Z")
Cecil is Batman? Or Chuck Norris?
StG
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### Author:  [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/11 "2010-01-21T02:45:11Z")
Can you at least let him post here so we know he’s OK?
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/12 "2010-01-21T02:51:28Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#):
>
> Would you mind adding making the powers that be here make a separate US American politics forum to your list of demands? That would be supercool.
Oh, hey, that’s a good one, I’ll write that one down. Need some sort of exhaust for all the hot air though.
> [@Tripler](#):
>
> You don’t have Cecil . . . _I_ do. I grabbed him years ago, and have him in “protective custody” for “his security” at an [un](http://maps.google.com/?ie=UTF8&ll=-2.657566,-66.065598&spn=0.088825,0.169086&t=h&z=13)disclosed location.
>
> You fools. You’ve grabbed the wrong one! :smack::eek:😛
>
> Tripler
> And no, I won’t tell you where he is. . .
Fool. You have his decoy. That was the point. But I was on to that. I have his DNA on file and have confirmed it with a buccal swab. Funny thing, he has alleles in common with Larry “Bud” Melman. I’m not sure what to make of that.
> [@Khadaji](#):
>
> Nonsense. Cecil knows everything, so not only did he see this coming, he already has a plan for his escape.
Yes, but I knew he saw it coming and captured him anyway. I am smart. I have MENSA stationery.
> [@Mahaloth](#):
>
> Can you at least let him post here so we know he’s OK?
Very well. This is him typing.
> [@Cecil Adams](#):
>
> Please hurry, he has DVDs full of Designing Women!
I’d listen to him if I were you.
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### Author:  [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/13 "2010-01-21T03:22:55Z")
I suppose you kidnapped the stranger that puts the gifts on Poe’s grave too. They didn’t show this last time.
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### Author:  [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/14 "2010-01-21T04:04:19Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> 1. I want March 11th to be named Joey Buttafuoco day. Not to praise him, but so we have an excuse to use “Buttafuoco” as an all-purpose verb for a day.
This is certainly for a good cause and all, but is it possible we move the date? March 11th, after all, is my birthday and instead, I propose we foist this off on the 10th. I’ve heard they won’t mind.
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### Author:  [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/15 "2010-01-21T04:29:14Z")
> [@StGermain](#):
>
> Cecil is Batman? Or Chuck Norris?
>
> StG
Chuck Norris tears are so powerful, not even the almighty Cecil Adams knew what to do with them.
Besides, I know I have the real Cecil, because he said he’s s"till got your first season of BattleStar Galactica, and needs to tell you where it is in his house so you can get it back."
Tripler
. . . I’m not falling for his tricks. I know you’re only a Brady Bunch fan.
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/16 "2010-01-21T04:51:26Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#):
>
> I suppose you kidnapped the stranger that puts the gifts on Poe’s grave too. They didn’t show this last time.
Now why would I do that? Those gifts were awesome! Except that green cardigan. I let Ed keep that one.
> [@faithfool](#):
>
> This is certainly for a good cause and all, but is it possible we move the date? March 11th, after all, is my birthday and instead, I propose we foist this off on the 10th. I’ve heard they won’t mind.
I suppose this would be a bad time to point out that you and he share a birthday, wouldn’t it? Yeah, it probably would, so I’ll just keep that little tidbit to myself. I can be nice sometimes, too.
> [@Tripler](#):
>
> Besides, I know I have the real Cecil, because he said he’s s"till got your first season of BattleStar Galactica, and needs to tell you where it is in his house so you can get it back."
See, that’s how I know you don’t have the real Cecil. Those discs were on those single-use DiVX discs. They’re of no use to him or me. Ha!
> [@Tripler](#):
>
> . . . I’m not falling for his tricks. I know you’re only a Brady Bunch fan.
Just what sort of idiot do you take me for? I watched The Partridge Family! David Cassidy was dreamy.
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### Author:  [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/17 "2010-01-21T13:30:42Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> And if you ever want to see him again you will agree to my demands.
Uhhh, hate to break this to you, but I never _have_ seen him. No one has. “Reclusive genuis mythos a la Salinger” and all that.
Sorry, have to do something better than that.
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/18 "2010-01-21T13:49:41Z")
> [@dhkendall](#):
>
> Uhhh, hate to break this to you, but I never _have_ seen him. No one has. “Reclusive genuis mythos a la Salinger” and all that.
>
> Sorry, have to do something better than that.
Don’t misunderestimate me. That would me a mistake. I have seen him. I’m looking at him right now. 60s, grey hair streaked with bits of brown slicked back tastefully with pomade, calabash pipe clenched between his teeth, and a knowing twinkle in his eye. Also, he keeps telling me how Ed Zotti is going to kick my ass, so there’s that.
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### Author:  [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/19 "2010-01-21T14:02:55Z")
I give the OP an 11.
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### Author:  [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)
#### Post date: [January 21, 2010, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/20 "2010-01-21T14:10:11Z")
Is anyone going to tell the OP that he has Cecil Stunt-Double #16, or is it going to be left to me again?
ps. CSD#16’s wife says can she have him back for Sunday. She needs him to mow the lawn.
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