# I have kidnapped Cecil
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [January 21, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772 "2010-01-21T00:44:04Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/41 "2010-01-25T19:00:19Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#):
>
> My thongue ith thwollen and my lipths are chapped-thend Blithtex ATHAP!
Oh, knock it off. I’m not buying it. Cecil has been having fun with my German scrabble board – he just spelled _Gesäß_ on a _dreifaches wort der Gäste_ intersecting _erbrechen_. You clearly haven’t got a drop of Teutonic blood in you. I mean, that’s a commie pinko _Russian_ name.
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#):
>
> Yeah - let’s just say that everyone who has that image is now the loser in that deal.
I do _so_ enjoy spreading the misery. Count yourself fortunate that I didn’t mention the picture of Lou Dobbs in that very same pose. Same rug, too, now that I think of it. Isn’t that peculiar?
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#):
>
> Fruit Roll-Ups that have been worn as innersoles by Mariska Hargitay.
>
> You might not want 'em, but _I_ do.
Wouldn’t they be, you know … kind of … mushy? Or is that part of the point. I mean, far be it from me to denigrate someone’s sexual proclivities, but … no, actually, it’s not far at all, is it? You are a twisted and devious pervert. Why can’t you fantasize about being her neti pot like normal people?
---
### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/42 "2010-01-25T19:08:21Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> Oh, knock it off. I’m not buying it. Cecil has been having fun with my German scrabble board – he just spelled _Gesäß_ on a _dreifaches wort der Gäste_ intersecting _erbrechen_. You clearly haven’t got a drop of Teutonic blood in you. I mean, that’s a commie pinko _Russian_ name.
I wath trying to order a ham thandwich, you thaditht!
---
### Author:  [@kapntoad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapntoad)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/43 "2010-01-25T20:25:41Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> 1. I want a superpower. I want the ability to pants people from up to 20 feet away.
Granted. Said power has been added to your repertoire. In accordance with standards a passcode must be uttered to unlock the power; however, the passcode will only be provided upon proof of Cecil’s well-being. Given the positive impact the diminishing ignorance of the teeming millions has on the economy and national will, the one-time financial outlay to provide said power was unanimously approved by the committee.
Regards.
---
### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/44 "2010-01-25T21:08:24Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> You are a twisted and devious pervert.
Oh I like that. _You_, who kidnapped Cecil and are forcing him to tongue-Scrabble in German, calling _me_ twisted and devious just 'cause I want Fruit Roll-Ups that smell like Mariska Hargitay’s feet?
The nerve of some people. The _noive!_
I don’t object to your calling me a pervert, which I clearly am. But twisted? Devious? Harrumph!
---
### Author:  [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/45 "2010-01-25T21:14:03Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> I have MENSA stationery.
Personally, I’d be more impressed if you had MENSA stationary. \*Anybody \*can have a piece of paper; it’s much harder to keep smart people from moving around.
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/46 "2010-01-25T21:21:44Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#):
>
> Personally, I’d be more impressed if you had MENSA stationary. \*Anybody \*can have a piece of paper; it’s much harder to keep smart people from moving around.
They move around plenty. You just can’t herd 'em. Kinda like cats, except most of them don’t lick themselves.
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### Author:  [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/47 "2010-01-25T21:36:14Z")
I think you might have dropped a word in my post: I said keep them \*\*\*from \*\*\*moving around, not keep them moving around.
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### Author:  [@Deeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deeg)
#### Post date: [January 25, 2010, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/48 "2010-01-25T23:51:10Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> I have kidnapped Cecil
Cite?
---
### Author:  [@MitchHellman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MitchHellman)
#### Post date: [January 26, 2010, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/49 "2010-01-26T02:53:36Z")
Kinda reminds me of WorldCon (ConStellation, in Baltimore) in 1984. The con paper printed a notice that Jerry Pournelle had been kidnapped-- and unless the ransom demand was met, he’d be returned.
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### Author:  [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)
#### Post date: [January 26, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/50 "2010-01-26T15:51:06Z")
> [@MitchHellman](#):
>
> Kinda reminds me of WorldCon (ConStellation, in Baltimore) in 1984. The con paper printed a notice that Jerry Pournelle had been kidnapped-- and unless the ransom demand was met, he’d be returned.
Hi! I was there too!
I won’t believe you’ve got Cecil unless you can make him post in this thread!
---
### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 26, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/51 "2010-01-26T16:14:45Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#):
>
> I wath trying to order a ham thandwich, you thaditht!
Well no wonder you were having trouble, who can understand you with that pronounced lisp? I mean, sheesh.
> [@kapntoad](#):
>
> Granted. Said power has been added to your repertoire. In accordance with standards a passcode must be uttered to unlock the power; however, the passcode will only be provided upon proof of Cecil’s well-being. Given the positive impact the diminishing ignorance of the teeming millions has on the economy and national will, the one-time financial outlay to provide said power was unanimously approved by the committee.
>
> Regards.
Excellent. So now we have agreed to the Klondike Bar and the innate ability which I shall now call trouserkinesis. See, folks? Once you get started it’s not that difficult at all. Only eight more to go and Cecil shall once again be free to frolic merrily in the heather.
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#):
>
> Oh I like that. _You_, who kidnapped Cecil and are forcing him to tongue-Scrabble in German, calling _me_ twisted and devious just 'cause I want Fruit Roll-Ups that smell like Mariska Hargitay’s feet?
>
> The nerve of some people. The _noive!_
>
> I don’t object to your calling me a pervert, which I clearly am. But twisted? Devious? Harrumph!
Look, the scrabble board wasn’t my idea. Cecil asked, I provided with the caveat that it was in fact a German board. And really, he seemed to have a grand old time with it. Oddly I can’t seem to find the board or most of the tiles anymore, but I’ve given him a vintage EZ Bake Oven set to play with. He appears to be trying to make cupcakes.
I shall refrain from referring to you a devious, however, until I learn of the manner in which you planned to get Fruit Roll-Ups into Mariska’s shoes and, more importantly, how you planned to get them back afterward. You’re still twisted, however.
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#):
>
> Personally, I’d be more impressed if you had MENSA stationary. \*Anybody \*can have a piece of paper; it’s much harder to keep smart people from moving around.
Pish tosh, getting that lot to settle down is simple. I cover the floor outside the building with superglue and then go in and tell them Stephen Hawking is outside giving a press release about his new book that reveals shocking new insights about black holes being portals to a chain of interstellar delis that make the universe’s most exquisite schnitzel.
> [@furryman](#):
>
> I won’t believe you’ve got Cecil unless you can make him post in this thread!
I did that already in this thread, and he was right about the DVDs – although I hadn’t considered them as a form of torture until he mentioned it.
---
### Author:  [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/52 "2010-01-28T05:45:25Z")
If you are willing to drop one of your other demands, I can throw in pelikenesis (the abilitity to move marine birds with your mind. It’s all I can do on short notice.
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/53 "2010-01-28T16:32:11Z")
> [@AskNott](#):
>
> If you are willing to drop one of your other demands, I can throw in pelikenesis (the abilitity to move marine birds with your mind. It’s all I can do on short notice.
Just marine birds? I suppose it would be fun to chuck a few storks or swans around, but sometimes you just want to bother a few sparrows or finches. Or crows, especially crows. Have you ever thrown a live crow at someone? The look on their faces is worth a thousand swans.
If you could arrange to upgrade it to any old birds then I’ll trade you for the Elephant Man thing. I’ve decided I am not interested in humanitarian efforts any longer.
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### Author:  [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/54 "2010-01-28T18:52:59Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> I’ve decided I am not interested in humanitarian efforts any longer.
Yes, we’ve noticed right off the hop from your OP that you’re not interested in humanitarian eff -
… what was that blood curdling scream coming from your secret lair?
You didn’t break out the Shatner recordings alredy, did you?
_For the love of Og, don’t tell me you unleashed the Shatner recordings already!_
Please, have mercy! I’m only one man, I got your thread on the main [straightdope.com](http://straightdope.com) page in hopes of recruiting others to end Cecil’s nightmare quickly! What more do you want? _I’m begging you, what more do you want???_
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### Author:  [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/55 "2010-01-28T19:01:04Z")
We need to wrap this thing up. I’m down to two Klondike bars in my freezer. I like Cecil and all, but Klondike bars are GOOD. I can’t guarantee I’ll still have one available much longer…
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/56 "2010-01-28T20:27:10Z")
> [@dhkendall](#):
>
> Yes, we’ve noticed right off the hop from your OP that you’re not interested in humanitarian eff -
>
> … what was that blood curdling scream coming from your secret lair?
>
> You didn’t break out the Shatner recordings alredy, did you?
>
> _For the love of Og, don’t tell me you unleashed the Shatner recordings already!_
>
> Please, have mercy! I’m only one man, I got your thread on the main [straightdope.com](http://straightdope.com) page in hopes of recruiting others to end Cecil’s nightmare quickly! What more do you want? _I’m begging you, what more do you want???_
Oh, heavens no. Even _I_ can’t stomach Shatner’s singing. Just thinking about his expository Acid-fueled ramblings in _Lucy in the Sky_ makes my skin crawl. A man’s got to have his limits. Though I will admit I had briefly considered the slightly less curdling tones of Leonard Nimoy, I realized it wasn’t really so much that he was a skullfuckingly a bad singer as he was just really, dreadfully, paint-peelingly _dull_. He’s the musical equivalent of listening to Ben Stein read one of his own books.
So I just put on some Tiny Tim.
> [@Oakminster](#):
>
> We need to wrap this thing up. I’m down to two Klondike bars in my freezer. I like Cecil and all, but Klondike bars are GOOD. I can’t guarantee I’ll still have one available much longer…
Fine, fine. Eat your damn Klondike. I’ve changed my mind anyway. Now I want a Nanaimo bar.
_From_ Nanaimo.
---
### Author:  [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/57 "2010-01-28T21:16:10Z")
How much will you take to keep him? 😃
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/58 "2010-01-28T22:45:20Z")
I dug up the elephant man’s bones and buried them next to Michael Jackson’s. I, too, believe he has earned them.
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### Author:  [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2010, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/59 "2010-01-28T23:14:48Z")
> [@mindfield](#):
>
> So I just put on some Tiny Tim.
**You monster!**
---
### Author:  [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)
#### Post date: [January 29, 2010, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-kidnapped-cecil/525772/60 "2010-01-29T03:13:54Z")
> [@dhkendall](#):
>
> > [@Mindfield](#):
> >
> > So I just put on some Tiny Tim.
>
> **You monster!**
Little-known fact: Cecil _is_ Tiny Tim. He was also Richard Feynman, but people started to catch on, so he faked Feynman’s death.
Oh, and he was also Marie Curie.
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