# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/241 "2011-04-18T21:36:49Z")
Ok, well I can see a lot of different angles here, but I guess my main question is: What could he do about it now? Is his guilt really going to help the situation in any way? Will it make the pain of those he left go away? If he’s really happy with this new woman, should he deny himself happiness for the rest of his life? How long should he feel bad about what he did? I don’t know what the point of self-flagellation would be other than needless suffering. All he can do is move forward wiser and make better decisions in the future, making sure he deals with his children and ex compassionately and mitigates as much damage as humanly possible. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/242 "2011-04-19T00:02:23Z")
It’s not about self-flagellation (although the pile on can obscure that). You’re right: that ship has sailed. But (as I said in a previous post) what the OP needs to do is to really examine his actions and behaviors for the future. Treat his girls with sensitivity; his wife with respect and courtesy etc. And don’t expect that just because he’s happy, they all should share in that happiness. It’s very likely they will not and he needs to be prepared for a whole lot of anger, bitterness and blame. It may not happen, but I wouldn’t bank on that. As I said before, I do so hope her 29 year old-ness is worth it. She won’t be 29 forever. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/243 "2011-04-19T00:51:30Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > She won’t be 29 forever. I bet she won’t be 29 for more than a year. 12 months, tops. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/244 "2011-04-19T00:58:27Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I bet she won’t be 29 for more than a year. 12 months, tops. 😉 Maybe she’s Jack Benny’s daughter. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/245 "2011-04-19T02:10:52Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I bet she won’t be 29 for more than a year. 12 months, tops. 😉 And then where will he be? Then again, there’s always another 29 year old… until even they start to look at you like you’re skeevy. Eh, I’ve been angry, bitter and a bit harsh in this thread. What’s done is done. I do hope that amongst the ire, the OP has come to realize that he has a tough row ahead of him. I hope he puts his girls (his daughters, not his fuck buddy) first. That’s really all that matters in the end. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/246 "2011-04-19T02:20:04Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > This whole thread - including my own submissions, I grant - are more of a Rorschach than any real advice or feedback to the OP. Everyone has projected their own relationships, fears, hopes, etc. onto the OP’s tale. True. But then again, it’s pretty much always true, it’s just a tad more obvious in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/247 "2011-04-19T03:06:37Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Maybe she’s Jack Benny’s daughter. Sadly, most 29 year olds won’t get this joke. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/248 "2011-04-19T03:14:04Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Sadly, most 29 year olds won’t get this joke. (I’m 36 and I don’t get it. :smack: ) ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/249 "2011-04-19T03:22:31Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > (I’m 36 and I don’t get it. :smack: ) Jack Benny was always 39. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/250 "2011-04-19T04:06:25Z")
She’s 29 not 19. He’s 36. I certainly think the way he went about it sucks a lot, but I don’t understand the wailing and gnashing of teeth about a 7 year age difference unless we’re talking teenager. What’s that all about? ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/251 "2011-04-19T07:26:35Z")
He and his (estranged/separated) wife are civil. Everyone keeps painting the wife as an angel who devoted her whole life to him, bore his children, and now will be left destitute while he rides off into the sunset with his secretary named Dolly. The “girl” in question is someone he generally likes. Stop making her out to be some kind of marriage wrecker. Come on. You really think that two people can’t fall in love when they’re not supposed to? I’m not the romantic type, but you guys are haaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrsh. They’re adults. They are handling it. Yeah, I expect the intarwebs to be a little mean, but jeez, I had no idea SD was full of moral Puritans. ---
**Author:** ![Tinkertoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f19dbf/32.png) [@Tinkertoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tinkertoy)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/252 "2011-04-19T08:18:39Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > They’re adults. They are handling it. Except for the two children involved. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/253 "2011-04-19T08:34:12Z")
> [@Tinkertoy](#): > > Except for the two children involved. I’m sure the adults are taking care of it. Divorce is not evil. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/254 "2011-04-19T14:50:29Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > … I had no idea SD was full of moral Puritans. That’s 'cause you just joined. Stick around and be amazed. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/255 "2011-04-19T14:53:52Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > She’s 29 not 19. He’s 36. > > I certainly think the way he went about it sucks a lot, but I don’t understand the wailing and gnashing of teeth about a 7 year age difference unless we’re talking teenager. What’s that all about? Yeah, that part doesn’t seem like anything to get all worked up about. I’m guessing it’s because he made a point of mentioning it in the OP, and people are responding more to him saying she was younger than responding to the actual age difference. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/256 "2011-04-19T14:56:07Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > You really think that two people can’t fall in love when they’re not supposed to? Well, obviously they can. And it just as obvious to me that they had a choice in the matter. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/257 "2011-04-19T15:13:11Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Well, obviously they can. > > And it just as obvious to me that they had a choice in the matter. I think love in this case, or at least at this stage of the situation, is kind of irrelevant. We’ve all been in love with people we didn’t end up with, for one reason or another. Hell, this guy most likely was in love with his wife when he married her, so I’m not super impressed with the “trooo wuv” thing. Love is flexible and changes. There are times when I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve ever been, and times when I’m…less so. It’s sticking it out during the “not” times that makes a relationship. When you’re at the beginning and you’re infatuated, it’s easy. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/258 "2011-04-19T15:43:40Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > I think love in this case, or at least at this stage of the situation, is kind of irrelevant. We’ve all been in love with people we didn’t end up with, for one reason or another. Hell, this guy most likely was in love with his wife when he married her, so I’m not super impressed with the “trooo wuv” thing. Love is flexible and changes. There are times when I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve ever been, and times when I’m…less so. It’s sticking it out during the “not” times that makes a relationship. When you’re at the beginning and you’re infatuated, it’s easy. That’s true. I just hate when people act like “Omigod, I had no choice at all! I fell in love and now I have to go with that because it’s my destiny!” ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/259 "2011-04-19T15:44:04Z")
Falling in love is great. What you do with that feeling is a choice. The other woman wasn’t going anywhere. They could have held back on starting their new life until they could do things the right way, without the lies and callousness. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/260 "2011-04-19T17:15:42Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > I think love in this case, or at least at this stage of the situation, is kind of irrelevant. We’ve all been in love with people we didn’t end up with, for one reason or another. Hell, this guy most likely was in love with his wife when he married her, so I’m not super impressed with the “trooo wuv” thing. Love is flexible and changes. There are times when I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve ever been, and times when I’m…less so. It’s sticking it out during the “not” times that makes a relationship. When you’re at the beginning and you’re infatuated, it’s easy. I think the OP made it clear that that he could stick it out for the rest of his life and still not be in love. I’m not saying that he went about it the right way and all, but the marriage seemed to be over. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=14)