# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/261 "2011-04-19T17:21:05Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > I think the OP made it clear that that he could stick it out for the rest of his life and still not be in love. > > I’m not saying that he went about it the right way and all, but the marriage seemed to be over. I don’t think that was made clear in the OP at all. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/262 "2011-04-19T17:41:12Z")
It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it. Relationships end, divorces happen, new relationships start up…it’s part of life. But there are ways to go about it that show respect and ways that are just assholish. People may not always have a choice on how their relationships go, but they have a choice to not be assholes. Sadly, I know too many people who take the latter route, because it’s easier (like a friend’s ex, who broke up with her and left while she was in the process cooking their 7th year anniversary dinner, in order to go fuck his first girlfriend). I tend to lose respect for people who take the easy route. ---
**Author:** ![Inthewater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Inthewater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inthewater)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/263 "2011-04-19T17:53:13Z")
> [@expectopatronum](#): > > MPB, are you [talking about](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=8439279) this [chick?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=415625) > as for the OP, i hope your family heals someday. enjoy the fantasy while it lasts. Oh wow…that was amazing stuff to read, if for no other reason than it made me feel very good about myself and appreciate my wife all that much more. Does anyone know if there was ever a resolution posted about this? /end hijack ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/264 "2011-04-19T17:56:15Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > That’s exactly right. My husband traveled for work for about 10 years, through our entire marriage up until a couple years ago. He was gone 4-5 days a week, most weeks of the year, and financially and for his career we thought it was the best thing, though it wasn’t easy. But regardless of the benefits, it’s not worth breaking up a family over. If the situation isn’t working, it’s not working, and you find a job close to home and you work on your marriage. When you’ve made a commitment, the first step is is trying to live up to it, not running away from it. My mom and her second husband (my step-dad, but only 11 years older than me, so not really) made sure that when she traveled for two weeks out of every month that they had lots of phone sex. They didn’t try to ‘stay strong’- they just raised the bar on communication. The fact that I am here to recite this is proof that the communication was family-wide. Communication will keep things healthy- what broke up my mother’s marriage to my father was his own desire to never communicate… > [@Zyada](#): > > But this isn’t about his sex life. It’s about how hard he worked on making his marriage work before he gave up. Which, from the OP and subsequent comments was exactly nil. Um- NO, it IS about his sex life. If you disagree, please re-read the OP. > [@acsenray](#): > > People break up. People get together with other people. And most often the “other people” part happens before the break up. That’s an unalterable part of human nature. I think it’s unfair to label the OP a shitty parent based solely on what is revealed in this thread. And I think it’s mean to do anything but wish everyone in this situation the best of luck and happiness in the future. Life and relationships are hard enough without the whole world getting recreationally judgy. It doesn’t label him a shitty parent- it labels him a delusional individual who cares little for anyone else’s feelings- which indicates that he is likely to be a shitty parent. I wish him luck. It is hard enough to be a parent with direct support… > [@billfish678](#): > > Just to play devil’s advocate for a moment. > > There is always the possible scenario where the the OP’s marriage is much worse than he lets on. In that case its not the younger hottie thats making him so happy, its the fact he is escaping from a very bad situation. The young thing is just the excuse/catalyst for the escape. > > I went through a pretty rough patch with the SO. She took a bad situation and made it nearly infinitely worse for no good reason. 6 or so years later and I’m still a little pissed about it. The main thing that didn’t have me hitting the road was I KNEW the situation that was the cause of all the problems would end in less than a year. If it was something I thought would go on for years and years I woulda finally hit the road and been pretty damn happy to escape it as well. Very true. I would love to have that communicated by the OP in as clear and objective info as he can, now that you have given him the opening. > [@billfish678](#): > > That assumes the problem is due to poor communication. I suspect plenty of relationship problems are not due to that particular problem. I haven’t met a relationship problem that wasn’t due to lack of communication. Forgetting to tell your spouse that you plan to spread your seed indiscriminately is, IMHO, a communication issue. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/265 "2011-04-19T17:58:36Z")
Is there something in the water? SOme friends came back from a group ski trip to Tahoe tightly bonded, the most unlikely coupling I can think of, yet ymmv and what do I know? nothing! here we have an independently wealthy middleaged adoloescent providing his version of guilt free fun to a friend’s sister who is the wife of another man. I can’t judge, but I can roll me eyes… ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/266 "2011-04-19T17:58:40Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/267 "2011-04-20T01:26:56Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > It doesn’t label him a shitty parent- it labels him a delusional individual who cares little for anyone else’s feelings- which indicates that he is likely to be a shitty parent. I wish him luck. It is hard enough to be a parent with direct support… Well, for me it’s not even that. It’s having the kids at all, since they’re very young and he says his marriage was unhappy for “several years” before he started working out of town. That means _he was already unhappy when they chose to have not just one, but two children._ The mind reels, frankly, and it makes it pretty goddamn hard for me to condemn the person who suggested a vasectomy–if someone is that bad a judge of either appropriate timing to procreate or effective use of birth control, just taking the option off the table entirely isn’t really such a bad idea. As for whether the OP should have worked harder to save his marriage, I don’t have a dog in that fight. The only think I’ll say on that subject is the same thing I said about my aunt and uncle splitting up under similar circumstances: She deserves a hell of a lot more than to be someone’s “better than nothing” option, so splitting up in even the shitty, hurtful way it went down is ultimately in her best interests. Not that it makes the shitty, hurtful way it went down even the tiniest bit more acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/268 "2011-04-20T01:43:57Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > That means _he was already unhappy when they chose to have not just one, but two children._ The mind reels, frankly, and it makes it pretty goddamn hard for me to condemn the person who suggested a vasectomy–if someone is that bad a judge of either appropriate timing to procreate or effective use of birth control, just taking the option off the table entirely isn’t really such a bad idea. Whatever someone owes to his or her own children, it certainly isn’t fidelity to their other parent. That’s between the parents. I don’t agree that people who have children without being certain that they will never split up with their spouses are somehow morally unfit to be parents. Whatever children are owed, one of those things is not certainty about their parents’ future as a couple. And all this handwringing simply flies in the face of the basic reality that whatever people’s failures might be in their first marriages, that a ton of people have successful second marriages, with children issuing from both. And even in cases in which people are serially unable to maintain long-term relationships, the vast majority of kids from such unions are just fucking fine. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/269 "2011-04-20T02:03:44Z")
And I suspect that if infidelity is looked at statistically that you will find little correlation between incidences of infidelity and other “moral” failings. The correlation, I suspect, will be between incidences of infidelity and _opportunity_. So those who are examining their partners for moral virtues will be far less successful in avoiding getting cheated on than those who choose partners based on the likelihood that other people will not find them attractive. The more attractive, powerful, wealthy, and resourceful your partner is, the more likely you’re going to get cheated on, and that’s the fact. Blaming their lack of character or morals is a red herring. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/270 "2011-04-20T02:12:46Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > And I suspect that if infidelity is looked at statistically that you will find little correlation between incidences of infidelity and other “moral” failings. The correlation, I suspect, will be between incidences of infidelity and _opportunity_. So those who are examining their partners for moral virtues will be far less successful in avoiding getting cheated on than those who choose partners based on the likelihood that other people will not find them attractive. The more attractive, powerful, wealthy, and resourceful your partner is, the more likely you’re going to get cheated on, and that’s the fact. Blaming their lack of character or morals is a red herring. I’m not sure you could have fit any additional speculation pulled straight out of your butt into this post even if you tried! You’re doing a lot of declaring of facts that look suspiciously like your opinion. A good predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You can certainly feel comfortable that a known cheater you hook up with won’t cheat on you, but let’s not kid ourselves that for all kinds of behaviors you can tell a person’s morality and character based on their past choices. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/271 "2011-04-20T03:04:36Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > The more attractive, powerful, wealthy, and resourceful your partner is, the more likely you’re going to get cheated on, and that’s the fact. Blaming their lack of character or morals is a red herring. I knew a woman who chose her boyfriend based on this reasoning. He wasn’t particularly attractive, not wealthy and quite a timid guy. He wound up cheating on her. YMMV > [@acsenray](#): > > Whatever someone owes to his or her own children, it certainly isn’t fidelity to their other parent. That’s between the parents. I don’t agree that people who have children without being certain that they will never split up with their spouses are somehow morally unfit to be parents. Whatever children are owed, one of those things is not certainty about their parents’ future as a couple. It’s not possible to be completely sure of the future, and I don’t believe that parents must stay together while obviously unhappy simply for the sake of the children. I do believe that a parent does have a responsibility for making a greater effort than what a person who doesn’t have children, especially if it’s just a matter of being bored rather than, say, abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Marc\_Xenos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Marc\_Xenos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marc_Xenos)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/272 "2011-04-20T05:13:36Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > And all this handwringing simply flies in the face of the basic reality that whatever people’s failures might be in their first marriages, that a ton of people have successful second marriages, with children issuing from both. I wrote an earlier post about faith and trust when each of us has been on extended absence from the other, which has been borne out through 25 years of marriage. What I didn’t mention was that I’d been married for 12 years prior to another wife. Had nothing to do with infidelity. She just didn’t want to be saddled with a husband and, especially, two kids which I ended up getting. My current wife had also been married previously, but obviously it didn’t work out. It’d be easy to assume that a second marriage for either of us was likely to end in failure, but as I said, after 25 years neither of us wants to be separated, let alone divorced. And sure as hell not for anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/273 "2011-04-20T11:55:16Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > The more attractive, powerful, wealthy, and resourceful your partner is, the more likely you’re going to get cheated on, and that’s the fact. Blaming their lack of character or morals is a red herring. No, the more attractive, powerful, wealthy and resourceful my partner is, the more likely he’s going to get hit on. What he does with that is, indeed reflects on both his character and his morals. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/274 "2011-04-20T12:06:22Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > Everyone keeps painting the wife as an angel who devoted her whole life to him, **bore his children** … He might have found her boring. But there’s no indication the children felt that way. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/275 "2011-04-20T12:07:39Z")
> [@the lone cashew](#): > > He might have found her boring. But there’s no indication the children felt that way. The kids are still young. Wait until they’re teens. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/276 "2011-04-20T12:22:49Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > No, the more attractive, powerful, wealthy and resourceful my partner is, the more likely he’s going to get hit on. What he does with that is, indeed reflects on both his character and his morals. Bingo. As for the emphasis on The Girl being 29, I just find it darkly humorous that The Girl(s) are never 9 years older, say, 43. I don’t see their ages as being unequal or even all that relevant–it’s not that big a gap. I do wonder what happens when she’s 36 and he’s 43. Second marriages often work out for the best; let us hope this one does (if they get married–there’s an awful lot going on very quickly here). ---
**Author:** ![Martiju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Martiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martiju)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/277 "2011-04-20T12:50:56Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Bingo. As for the emphasis on The Girl being 29, I just find it darkly humorous that The Girl(s) are never 9 years older, say, 43. > > I don’t see their ages as being unequal or even all that relevant–it’s not that big a gap. I do wonder what happens when she’s 36 and he’s 43. This seems a little contradictory, no? I think it’s pretty evident how much you’re projecting in this thread. Not sure saying it over and over again is adding to your point, to be honest. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/278 "2011-04-20T13:15:03Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > … I do wonder what happens when she’s 36 and he’s 43.)… That age gap fits about 75% of all the couples I know. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/279 "2011-04-21T00:38:50Z")
> [@Martiju](#): > > This seems a little contradictory, no? I think it’s pretty evident how much you’re projecting in this thread. Not sure saying it over and over again is adding to your point, to be honest. What saying it over and over again? I’ve posted my explanation about my reference to her age once. 😕 How is that contradictory? At 29, she’s a fully fledged adult–she knows she was cheating on her “husband” with a married man. She’s not that much younger than the OP, as **Nzinga** has pointed out. I never thought The Girl was too young for the OP and never said so. I do find it amusing that men like the OP are[del] almost[/del] never attracted to women 9 years older than they are: make “the girl” 43 and I bet his infatuation would wither away. I’m not projecting much of anything in this thread. I’m a child of divorce and now, after 23 years of marriage, I’m separated. But we didn’t separate because my husband found a younger, unencumbered model (nor did I). My parents didn’t divorce due to any kind of extramarital shenanigans, either. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/280 "2011-04-21T02:46:12Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > I do find it amusing that men like the OP are[del] almost[/del] never attracted to women 9 years older than they are Why is it amusing? Is it equally amusing from the point of view od the younger women? After all, older men wouldn’t be able to carry on in this way inkeas younger women were amenable as well. I take it that you understand that human males have evolved to prefer younger females as a result of reproductive advantage, right? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=15)