# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/281 "2011-04-21T03:10:50Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > Why is it amusing? Is it equally amusing from the point of view od the younger women? After all, older men wouldn’t be able to carry on in this way inkeas younger women were amenable as well. I take it that you understand that human males have evolved to prefer younger females as a result of reproductive advantage, right? And yet now that women are gaining economic equality, there is a noticeable trend towards women also seeking out younger partners as well- which isn’t really all that surprising…do you really think women don’t also prefer a toned and energetic partner over a tubby, balding one with ED? It appears there are [other reasons](http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm) for women to prefer a partner close to their age as well. There are complexities at work, many that we haven’t begun to think about, that go beyond the clever “just so” story of Men’s Health evolutionary psychology. It’s facile to look directly at “reproductive advantage” when there are so many closer-to-the-surface power dynamics also involved. Through most of history in most societies women didn’t have a choice to remain unmarried, had a strict limit on their “marriageable” years, and had to rely on men for resources, so they haven’t really had a free choice. Anyway, in this case I don’t really care about the age gap. But justified or not, it’s one more barb that’s going to hurt the wife. Your husband deciding to date a younger woman after the divorce is one thing, but being cheated on with a younger woman- especially if you’ve had kids- does some very bad things to your self-esteem and sense of self worth. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/282 "2011-04-21T10:48:10Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > And yet now that women are gaining economic equality, there is a noticeable trend towards women also seeking out younger partners as well- which isn’t really all that surprising…do you really think women don’t also prefer a toned and energetic partner over a tubby, balding one with ED? It appears there are [other reasons](http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm) for women to prefer a partner close to their age as well. There are complexities at work, many that we haven’t begun to think about, that go beyond the clever “just so” story of Men’s Health evolutionary psychology. > > It’s facile to look directly at “reproductive advantage” when there are so many closer-to-the-surface power dynamics also involved. Preach it, sister. It’s very hard to take evolutionary psychology seriously when the only time it’s trotted out is to reinforce gender inequality. I’m sure there must be a use other than justifying misogyny, but if there is I haven’t seen it. (And before someone asks, no, I don’t give a shit about the age gap.) \*not singling you out **ascenray**. Just tired. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/283 "2011-04-21T11:30:21Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > And yet now that women are gaining economic equality, there is a noticeable trend towards women also seeking out younger partners as well- which isn’t really all that surprising…do you really think women don’t also prefer a toned and energetic partner over a tubby, balding one with ED It sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and not at all amusing. Why shouldn’t any person accept the most evolutionarily advantageous of the options available, regardless of gender? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/284 "2011-04-21T12:10:12Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Anyway, in this case I don’t really care about the age gap. But justified or not, it’s one more barb that’s going to hurt the wife. Your husband deciding to date a younger woman after the divorce is one thing, but being cheated on with a younger woman- especially if you’ve had kids- does some very bad things to your self-esteem and sense of self worth. Exactly. Salt in the wound, so to speak. If choosing a younger mate is so evolutionarily advantageous, shouldn’t that work both ways? And yet, oddly enough, “boy toys” are seen as anomalies, while sugar daddies and trophy wives are accepted as “normal”. She’s not quite young (and he’s not old enough) to be the sugar/trophy duo–but being dumped for a younger model does sting. But the OP couldn’t help that–he’s in lurrrrrve. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/285 "2011-04-21T12:16:51Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > Why shouldn’t any person accept the most evolutionarily advantageous of the options available, regardless of gender? Humans don’t act exclusively as evolution would dictate or the players involved would have spawned at least one more kid by this point in the game. Not to mention the “pseudo husband” of the “girl” would have had to be killed or at least neutralized. Like you, I understand the attraction, but I’m tired of seeing “evolution” trotted out as an excuse for poor behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/286 "2011-04-21T13:14:24Z")
> [@Barrett\_Bonden](#): > > Like you, I understand the attraction And that’s really the only point of bringing up evolution. It’s not mysterious or amusing or pathetic to be attracted to younger partners. It’s simply natural. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/287 "2011-04-21T13:31:29Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > And that’s really the only point of bringing up evolution. It’s not mysterious or amusing or pathetic to be attracted to younger partners. It’s simply natural. I suspect we agree and we’re just arguing two different points. It’s natural to be attracted to a younger partner. It is not inevitable to act upon the attraction. Excusing one’s _actions_ by claiming “evolution made me do it” is (IMO) a cop-out. ---
**Author:** ![Marc\_Xenos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Marc\_Xenos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marc_Xenos)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/288 "2011-04-21T17:08:01Z")
> [@Barrett\_Bonden](#): > > Excusing one’s _actions_ by claiming “evolution made me do it” is (IMO) a cop-out. Just to be clear, I agree with your assessment. I don’t agree that it’s only “opinion.” Reason being, if we’re all just slaves to evolution, then it renders all of our celebrated “human intelligence” totally invalid. Means that we have none, we can only react to all facets of life as single-celled organisms react to stimuli. Genetic traits impel, not compel. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/289 "2011-04-21T18:28:10Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Second marriages often work out for the best; let us hope this one does (if they get married–there’s an awful lot going on very quickly here). I would guess the success of the 2nd marriage is highly dependent on the type of divorce: - Second marriage after couple gets divorced for reasons other than infidelity - Second marriage with the affair partner. I’ve heard that affair relationships have a very high chance of failure. Something like only 10% eventually get married, and of those that do, 75% will get divorced. ---
**Author:** ![Loopie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@Loopie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopie)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/290 "2011-04-21T18:57:50Z")
The way he uses the words _ **’girl’** _ and _ **’the girl’** _… Damn! He makes her sound like property! ---
**Author:** ![Marc\_Xenos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Marc\_Xenos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marc_Xenos)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/291 "2011-04-21T19:38:11Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I’ve heard that affair relationships have a very high chance of failure. Something like only 10% eventually get married, and of those that do, 75% will get divorced. I’ve often wondered, why is it that THIS time it’s True Love, whereas all the previous times of “true love” weren’t? THIS time it will work when previous times it hasn’t? THIS time is different when previous times were also “different”? I mean, when one of them asks, “What kind of [man/woman] do you think I am?” We’ve already determined THAT; now it’s just a matter of why you think the rest will somehow be different. (Although, to be fair, SOME of them actually do work out.) ---
**Author:** ![Marc\_Xenos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Marc\_Xenos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marc_Xenos)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/292 "2011-04-21T19:40:13Z")
> [@Loopie](#): > > The way he uses the words _ **‘girl’** _ and _ **‘the girl’** _… > > Damn! He makes her sound like property! Similar to the ones that refer to their wives as “THE wife.” (What’s so different from THE Ball & Chain? Hey, pal, YOU volunteered; there ain’t no shotgun weddings anymore.) ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/293 "2011-04-21T20:21:55Z")
> [@Marc\_Xenos](#): > > Similar to the ones that refer to their wives as “THE wife.” (What’s so different from THE Ball & Chain? Hey, pal, YOU volunteered; there ain’t no shotgun weddings anymore.) Well- I have heard tell of a few, but them folks mighta been a’lyin’… ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/294 "2011-04-22T00:29:45Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > I don’t agree that people who have children without being certain that they will never split up with their spouses are somehow morally unfit to be parents. I never said they were. But having a baby in a relationship that’s more likely than average to split up because you’re already unhappy and have just added an extra, totally unnecessary layer of stress to the situation…well, that’s what’s known as a Bad Idea, for fairly self-evident reasons. Doing it multiple times is a screaming red flag of General Poor Judgment, which is often an indicator of Shitty Parenting. ---
**Author:** ![Swordnamedkindness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Swordnamedkindness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swordnamedkindness)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/295 "2015-12-21T18:56:01Z")
Hey, I know this is an OLD thread, but i see you are still a VERY active member on here. How did this all pan out for you? Did you ride off into the sunset with your perfect for you other woman? Please update us on how your children and Ex wife are doing as well as you. (At the very least for the sake of science.) ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/296 "2015-12-22T02:55:26Z")
Now that you’ve resurrected this zombie, you have ignited MY curiosity as well. Can we get an update, 5 years on? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/297 "2015-12-22T03:33:33Z")
If **RP** actually has the balls to come on here and admit “The bitch left me.” I will have a new found respect for him. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/298 "2015-12-22T04:48:23Z")
This revival seems rather unseemly and nosy to me. If he wants to share, let him share, instead of being goaded. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/299 "2015-12-22T05:08:44Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > This revival seems rather unseemly and nosy to me. If he wants to share, let him share, instead of being goaded. He shared nearly every single detail of a sordid affair, with the thread title “I have left my wife and children,” on a very public message board. Privacy went out the windows a while ago. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for an update. Obviously he doesn’t have to respond, but there’s nothing wrong with asking, or even goading. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/300 "2015-12-22T05:20:09Z")
> [@Swordnamedkindness](#): > > Hey, I know this is an OLD thread, but i see you are still a VERY active member on here. > > How did this all pan out for you? Did you ride off into the sunset with your perfect for you other woman? > > Please update us on how your children and Ex wife are doing as well as you. (At the very least for the sake of science.) This is a surprise. An odd kind of post from someone who just joined this month :dubious:. The “other woman” remains perfect and we are both happy. I see my children regularly and they seem happy enough. My ex has moved on, has a partner who I get on well with, and seems happy. It’s not like I have deep and meaningfuls with her though. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=16)