# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/21 "2011-04-15T15:40:40Z")
Your children? I mean, it’s one thing to leave your wife if she isn’t doing it for you. But why are you proud/happy about leaving your children? If this thread was simply titled “I’ve left my wife”, you might have gotten a slightly less harsh reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/22 "2011-04-15T15:41:22Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Are you honestly suggesting that the lives of his 3 and 5 year old children are irredeemably ruined by this? > > Really? I’m not going to engage in highjacking this thread with you. Thanks, though. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/23 "2011-04-15T15:41:52Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > That’s an interesting point. No it’s not. It’s an “poor oppressed menfolk” cliche. You’ll note that no one is congratulating “the girl”. **Alice** , always the high road for you. My admiration knows no bounds. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/24 "2011-04-15T15:42:56Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > I encourage you to talk with a family counselor to find out how to discuss the situation with them, and then do it. It probably will need to consist of several short conversations over the years. Please don’t shy away from this. That is a good idea that I hadn’t really considered. > [@](#): > > Another thing to do would be to apologize to your wife for hurting her feelings, explain that you still want to be a good father to the children, and talk with her further about how to continue to be good parents together while you’re not in a marriage with her anymore. The children will be much better off if you are kind and supportive of each other. I suggest to you that this is one of the most important things you can do. This I have done and we are working well together over all. We have our moments but on the whole everything is civil. Our problems have never been ones we fight over, we have just drifted apart until we were two friends living in the same house. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/25 "2011-04-15T15:44:11Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m not going to engage in highjacking this thread with you. Thanks, though. Then why’d you even bring it up to begin with? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/26 "2011-04-15T15:45:47Z")
I think the majority of my concern right now would be for the children’s welfare. You and your wife are adults and these things happen. The kids though, despite having no culpability, will be most affected by your decision. What are you going to do time, possession and money-wise to insure they’re provided with the stable and secure environment they deserve? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/27 "2011-04-15T15:46:01Z")
If your marriage is heading for a divorce, you probably don’t want to be talking about your infatuation with another woman in a public forum. ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/28 "2011-04-15T15:47:08Z")
What the hell, people? It’s just a divorce. People do it every day. No one has done anything wrong. He is not happy, he told the wife, he left. The children loose, but they always do, that can’t be helped. As long as he supports his children and treats his ex decently during and after the divorce, everything is okay. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/29 "2011-04-15T15:49:09Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Your children? I mean, it’s one thing to leave your wife if she isn’t doing it for you. But why are you proud/happy about leaving your children? If this thread was simply titled “I’ve left my wife”, you might have gotten a slightly less harsh reaction. Ah well, I haven’t left them really, I’ll still be sharing the care of them, but I think they probably feel that I’ve left them (the older one at least), so why sugarcoat it? I’m not proud or happy about this by the way. The new girl, I will call her Rachael, should’ve done that to start with, makes me happy but that emotion just lie on top of all of the other emotions I’ve been feeling. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/30 "2011-04-15T15:49:21Z")
If anything, you did the right thing by telling both partners (even if it was kind of forced) and moving out instead of trying to carry on an affair behind their backs. I will not be one to tell you to stay in an unhappy marriage. Not even for the children, because sometimes it’s healthier for the parents to split - we’ve had children of divorced parents say exactly this. However, please try to be as discreet and gently as possible. Don’t go out of the way to hurt your wife’s feelings more. You have already, remember that if she lashes out. And try to be gentle with it with your kids. Make sure they know it’s not their fault and that you love them more than ever. Don’t let your girlfriend come between you and the kids, ever. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/31 "2011-04-15T15:50:39Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > If your marriage is heading for a divorce, you probably don’t want to be talking about your infatuation with another woman in a public forum. I really don’t think it matters. There is nothing I’ve said here that isn’t common knowledge among my friends, family, work mates, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/32 "2011-04-15T15:51:55Z")
I was so sure the thread title was going to be some sort of trick. Guess not. This is a whole big ball of issues that needs untangling, the three main ones being: 1. Her former relationship 2. Your former marriage 3. Whether the two of you ought to date. 4. Assuming that she’s telling the truth about this: > [@](#): > > She’d been having problems for a long time and had nearly left him 12 months earlier but he manipulated her into staying by implying he’d kill himself if she left him (he has a history of mild mental illness.) she’s right to leave him. That’s not a relationship; it’s a hostage situation. I find the possession ring thing a little creepy too but that’s another thing entirely. As for 2), I’m not convinced by what you’ve said here (and I recognize that you can’t put your entire life story on a messageboard) that your decision to leave was more about the inability to save your marriage than about wanting to be with a new person and looking for an excuse to do it. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s how the OP came across. I recognize that it’s a moot point now but you really need to be sure that the decision to leave and the decision to be with a new person are genuinely separate, or the situation will repeat itself later. Be warned. 1. Well, you’re now both free to date and maybe you’ll turn out to be soulmates. Or maybe not. But I’d be careful about jumping into moving together in the heat of the moment; you’re both on rebound from unhappy relationships and when the excitement wears off you may not be quite as keen to make this a long-term commitment as you think. Make sure your head’s in the right place, man. \*ETA: Bah, this thread moves too fast. \* ---
**Author:** ![Alma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@Alma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alma)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/33 "2011-04-15T15:52:00Z")
I always wished my parents had divorced. They were horrible to each other. I’m not saying you’re doing a good thing, but leaving is not always wrong. ---
**Author:** ![whereismymind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/49beb7/32.png) [@whereismymind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whereismymind)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/34 "2011-04-15T15:55:23Z")
AS long as you are with the one you love…but it kinda sounds to me as if you love both her AND your wife…that a tough one. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/35 "2011-04-15T16:00:11Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > That is a good idea that I hadn’t really considered. > This I have done and we are working well together over all. We have our moments but on the whole everything is civil. Our problems have never been ones we fight over, we have just drifted apart until we were two friends living in the same house. This is excellent. Good luck to the two of you, and your new lady. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/36 "2011-04-15T16:03:40Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I will not be one to tell you to stay in an unhappy marriage. Not even for the children, because sometimes it’s healthier for the parents to split - we’ve had children of divorced parents say exactly this. This is true, but the OP isn’t even coming off as though he tried. No counseling? No considering that perhaps leaving your wife at home alone to raise your kids while you’re working thousands of kilometers away is not exactly great for your marriage (or your kids)? No acknowledgement of the fact that simply having young kids at home, even without the distance thing, is stressful for a marriage? No considering that being depressed about other things was going to affect your marriage also? Yeah, buddy, you’re screwed. You’ve taken up with someone who you know will cheat and whose previous relationship was a drama-fest that she put up with. And you fully acknowledge that you probably wouldn’t have left your wife if it weren’t for her. Do come back and give us an update when it goes to hell. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/37 "2011-04-15T16:05:12Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > As for 2), I’m not convinced by what you’ve said here (and I recognize that you can’t put your entire life story on a messageboard) that your decision to leave was more about the inability to save your marriage than about wanting to be with a new person and looking for an excuse to do it. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s how the OP came across. I recognize that it’s a moot point now but you really need to be sure that the decision to leave and the decision to be with a new person are genuinely separate, or the situation will repeat itself later. Be warned. you got the right reading from the OP. I wouldn’t have left just to be single. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have left to be in a better relationship. Whether or not it really is a better relationship, only time will tell. > [@](#): > > 1. Well, you’re now both free to date and maybe you’ll turn out to be soulmates. Or maybe not. But I’d be careful about jumping into moving together in the heat of the moment; you’re both on rebound from unhappy relationships and when the excitement wears off you may not be quite as keen to make this a long-term commitment as you think. Make sure your head’s in the right place, man. We don’t really do “dating” over here. We are now in committed relationships with each other, and we realise things might not work out. We are getting plenty of time to ourselves at the moment because we are separated by a couple of thousand kilometres and we have no intention of living together in the near future. IF she gets a job in the same city as me, we’ll live in separate houses until we think it’s a good time to move in. Back to your point 2. I’ve realised now that if the new relationship doesn’t work, I will still be happier living on my own. I needed something to help me make the decision, but now that I have, I am certain it was the right one, regardless of what happens with the new relationship. One thing that helped me see things this way is that I gather that my wife has a date with someone in a couple of weeks. This makes me genuinely happy for her, there is not even a slight pang of jealousy, the feelings just aren’t there anymore. ---
**Author:** ![grayhairedmomma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/47e85d/32.png) [@grayhairedmomma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grayhairedmomma)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/38 "2011-04-15T16:10:06Z")
> [@Richard Pearse](#): > > Since then I’ve taken a new job that will keep me in the same town as my wife and children so I can spend more time with the kids… Why didn’t you get the job closer to home sooner? ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/39 "2011-04-15T16:18:32Z")
> [@grayhairedmomma](#): > > Why didn’t you get the job closer to home sooner? Because I got a $60,000 retention bonus for staying at the other job till the end of December. My wife and I had decided that 2011 was the time to look for a job that offered us better quality of life but the damage had already been done I think. This wasn’t a recent thing either. I’d been doing the working away from home thing for a couple of years but it seems that for many years prior to that we’d been trying to fix our relationship by moving, buying stuff, buying houses, moving again to be closer to family, and none of it was addressing the underlying problem that I feel has been present for a long time, which is that we have very little in common. ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/40 "2011-04-15T16:18:57Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > Not even **girl** she is nothing but **the girl**. > > As in I will take the garbage out. Really? I call my girlfriend ‘the girl’, sometimes. As in ‘the girl of my dreams’. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=3)