# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/41 "2011-04-15T16:19:02Z")
Wait, so when you were with your wife you worked several thousand kilometers away. Now you’ve dumped your wife and started dating this girl who lives were you worked and you’ve moved thousand of kilometers away to be closer to your children? why weren’t you concerned about being closer to your children when you were with your wife? do you not think maybe being thousands of kilometers away from the women you are in a relationship with might be part of the problem? It’s like you got out of a situation you weren’t happy in and then went out of your way to recreate the exact situation. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/42 "2011-04-15T16:23:02Z")
In a different direction altogether, this has got to be emotionally taxing and I’m sure you reflect on it and all its different aspects pretty consistently. Does that interfere with your ability to perform your job effectively, to give it all the concentration such an extreme profession requires? Have you felt the need to take some time off until you get your affairs in order? Do you ever find yourself consumed with related thoughts when you’re at the controls in the air? ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/43 "2011-04-15T16:26:28Z")
> [@whereismymind](#): > > AS long as you are with the one you love…but it kinda sounds to me as if you love both her AND your wife…that a tough one. I honestly don’t know how I feel about her. Sometimes I think I like her but don’t love her, and other times I think I love her but don’t like her. Either way she is not right for me and that is not her fault at all, she has done nothing to deserve this. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/44 "2011-04-15T16:30:36Z")
Nothing in this OP seems overtly out of the ordinary. I suppose that pains me to even say, as I am divorced - however, I dated a few people before getting remarried - and now I have a new baby on the way. I am friends with my ex-wife but we never had children together and I think that is where the anger\discomfort comes for most people on this thread. We all bring our own biases and such to the table, and we all have different experiences. There is no question that the OP is responsible for his own actions and the trajectory his life is now on. He has to pay child-support until both kids are 18 - I assume - and my sense is his child making years are not over. So enter some prospective new children, kids from previous marriage and being a professional airline pilot… I dunno, I’m not worked up about any of it, except the fact that the kids from the first marriage no longer have unadulterated access to their biological father. As an expectant father-to-be, I find the last fact troubling…but then again, I am very excited to be a dad and building treehouses, forts, fishing ect…with my kids. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/45 "2011-04-15T16:35:00Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Wait, so when you were with your wife you worked several thousand kilometers away. Now you’ve dumped your wife and started dating this girl who lives were you worked and you’ve moved thousand of kilometers away to be closer to your children? why weren’t you concerned about being closer to your children when you were with your wife? do you not think maybe being thousands of kilometers away from the women you are in a relationship with might be part of the problem? It’s like you got out of a situation you weren’t happy in and then went out of your way to recreate the exact situation. I’ve only been spending time away from my wife fairly recently, the problems, as I see it, predate that. > [@lieu](#): > > In a different direction altogether, this has got to be emotionally taxing and I’m sure you reflect on it and all its different aspects pretty consistently. Does that interfere with your ability to perform your job effectively, to give it all the concentration such an extreme profession requires? > > Have you felt the need to take some time off until you get your affairs in order? Do you ever find yourself consumed with related thoughts when you’re at the controls in the air? Well part of all this happening is that I’ve taken on a new job which means I spend the next couple of months in ground courses and doing simulator training. I won’t be touching the controls of a real aeroplane for some time. Having said that I am aware that when you fill out those spread sheets that give various stress levels to different life events, having a new job, relationship problems, and being homeless rate quite highly. I have always left my troubles on the ground though which is one of the reasons I love flying so much. You do raise a valid point, and I do consider it. ---
**Author:** ![Andy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/aeb1de/32.png) [@Andy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/46 "2011-04-15T16:37:50Z")
I genuinely admire the courage you’ve shown in doing this. The societal pressure to stay in a marriage for the sake of everyone but your own happiness is amazing. I know there’ll be sadness on the part of you, your wife and kids, but keep talking to them and don’t shy away from tough topics. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/47 "2011-04-15T16:39:38Z")
This obviously has the potential to get heated. If you want to attack the OP, do so in the Pit. If you want to debate the institution of marriage, do it in GD. In this thread while it is in this forum, please keep it civil. Thanks, **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/48 "2011-04-15T16:43:21Z")
I was wondering about the placement of this thread; it seems neither mundane nor pointless. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/49 "2011-04-15T16:47:32Z")
Get a vasectomy now. Don’t inflict your lack of parenting on another set of kids, for the love of gravy. You sound like a quitter. And a fast quitter, at that. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but your kids are young as hell. I predict you’ll leave this one around the 5-7 year mark, too, if not sooner. Don’t leave behind more traumatized chitlins in your wake. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/50 "2011-04-15T16:49:04Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > If the genders were reversed they’d make this story into a romance film starring Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway or Renée Zellweger and you’d be a hero. But they aren’t, so you’re not. Well, there was Eat, Pray, Love…that wasn’t recieved too well here on the Dope, for precisely the reason most oft’ given that Liz was a selfish cunt. I have to admit, I’ve been very reticent to bring up much in the way of details about my divorce on this board,. because I pretty much expected the same reaction the OP is getting here, even though I’m a woman. I’m not sure, outside of movies, that women have it any easier in the public reception when it comes to infidelity and separation. > [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > Back to your point 2. I’ve realised now that if the new relationship doesn’t work, I will still be happier living on my own. I needed something to help me make the decision, but now that I have, I am certain it was the right one, regardless of what happens with the new relationship. One thing that helped me see things this way is that I gather that my wife has a date with someone in a couple of weeks. This makes me genuinely happy for her, there is not even a slight pang of jealousy, the feelings just aren’t there anymore. I did leave my husband for another man. I SHOULD have left him years ago, before we had a child together, but I didn’t. I was too scared to, and I didn’t know how to support myself and, most importantly, I really didn’t know what a loving, supportive, mutually beneficial relationship was like. I honestly thought that True Love in stories and songs and paintings was some sort of Platonic Ideal that didn’t really happen in real life, and that being content and comfortable and partners was the best adults could really share long term. It took another person in my life to make me realize that those songs about birds suddenly appearing and all I need is you and a whole new world…those \*aren’t \*metaphors. For some people (including me, now), that’s really the way love is! Whodda thunk it?! So, even though two years into it, I’m just as obnoxiously in Twoo Wuv as the first day, even if this does end - as eventually it will, by death if by nothing else, I now know what’s _possible_. I know what I’m capable of giving and receiving in love in a way that I never knew before. And my children see it, too, and know that it’s possible - a lesson I missed in childhood. Even my ex-husband gets it now, and feels it with his current partner, and once said to me, “I thought you were being so impulsive and rushing through the separation and now…I get it. When there’s love like this in your life, there’s no point in waiting.” So…I get it. I celebrate it. Love your kids and be a good co-parent with your ex, stay honest with everyone, but don’t let your obligations to them trap you into the living death of an unhappy marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/51 "2011-04-15T16:51:02Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > I was wondering about the placement of this thread; it seems neither mundane nor pointless. Neither is a death in the family, but they go here too. Thanks for the therapy guys. I think I needed to hear these things from people who weren’t my wife, girlfriend or mother. On the subject of therapy, my employer offers a free counseling service. I hadn’t considered it before, but I think it might be worthwhile talking to them about how to make this whole thing easier on the children, how to talk to them about it etc. Thanks to **NinetyWt** for suggesting this. For some reason I’d had it in my head that I was essentially on my own when it came to talking to my daughters. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/52 "2011-04-15T16:52:36Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Are you honestly suggesting that the lives of his 3 and 5 year old children are irredeemably ruined by this? > > Really? My father left the family when I was 10 years old. I’m now 44, and I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did. It didn’t destroy my life, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a long-lasting effect on me. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/53 "2011-04-15T16:54:37Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Get a vasectomy now. Don’t inflict your lack of parenting on another set of kids, for the love of gravy. > > You sound like a quitter. And a fast quitter, at that. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but your kids are young as hell. I predict you’ll leave this one around the 5-7 year mark, too, if not sooner. Don’t leave behind more traumatized chitlins in your wake. 12 years, it was, from start to finish. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/54 "2011-04-15T16:57:47Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > My father left the family when I was 10 years old. I’m now 44, and I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did. It didn’t destroy my life, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a long-lasting effect on me. Honest question here. Assuming he was going to leave at some point, when would’ve been the best time? When you were very young , when you were 10, or when you were older? What about when you were quite old, after you’d left home for instance? My dad left when I was two and I know it affected me, but I don’t know if it would’ve been better or worse if it happened at a later date. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/55 "2011-04-15T16:58:02Z")
Every relationship is made up of two people - if the relationship fails, it is because **both** people were making mistakes. If you don’t know what mistakes _you_ made to make this relationship failed, you _will_ make them again. And you’ll be here in another five or ten years, with two more kids and another wife and girlfriend. To me, it sounds like what you are experiencing with the new girl is what I would call “in love”, and might be called limerance or possibly infatuation. It’s a recognized psycho-physiological phenomenon that is similar to addiction, with the object of the affection being what you are addicted to. Here’s the really bad news. It only lasts from six months to two and a half years. You have that length of time to form a strong healthy relationship with this person, but it sounds like you manage to do that with your wife, so why do you think this is going to be any better? Is there truly a difference about how you feel about this girl now, and how you felt about your wife when you had known her an equivalent amount of time? Right now, you aren’t dealing with the day to day realities of living with this girl, while you have with your wife for several years. If you want to have a truly happy relationship, you will be more successful if you go into counseling with your current wife and figure out what went wrong. Then you will at the very least have a better idea about whether you will be better off staying in your current relationship or trying a new one. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/56 "2011-04-15T16:58:39Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > My father left the family when I was 10 years old. I’m now 44, and I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did. It didn’t destroy my life, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a long-lasting effect on me. 10 years old is not the same as 3 and 5, though. I’m not saying it can’t damage the kids, certainly it can if it’s handled poorly. But it’s happening at a different stage of development, at a different stage of life experience, and within a different family in a different culture with a different awareness of the needs of children of divorce. My parents divorced when I was six, and yeah, it was pretty rough. And I do think that part of the reason I didn’t really believe in love was because my mother never dated again after I was 7 and my dad is exceedingly undemonstrative in his own relationships…but I don’t think I would have learned that lesson had they stayed together, either. That’s just not the kind of people they are. Asking them, being the people they are and not the people I wish they were, to have stayed together really wouldn’t have made my development any better. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/57 "2011-04-15T17:12:21Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > This is true, but the OP isn’t even coming off as though he tried. No counseling? No considering that perhaps leaving your wife at home alone to raise your kids while you’re working thousands of kilometers away is not exactly great for your marriage (or your kids)? No acknowledgement of the fact that simply having young kids at home, even without the distance thing, is stressful for a marriage? No considering that being depressed about other things was going to affect your marriage also? > Yeah, buddy, you’re screwed. You’ve taken up with someone who you know will cheat and whose previous relationship was a drama-fest that she put up with. And you fully acknowledge that you probably wouldn’t have left your wife if it weren’t for her. > Do come back and give us an update when it goes to hell. Maybe, but I just don’t see the point of bitching at people in situations like this. No one ever listens to negative criticism. All we can do is try to give him some constructive criticism…love your kids, first and foremost. My parents fought and fought and fought. She frankly thought he was uneducated and stupid and lazy. He thought she was a tightwad. I remember many nights sitting in my bed crying because they were fighting again. They would never divorce…I don’t think this was healthy for me, either. Would it have been better if they’d divorced? Who knows…? but I have a lot of baggage from that time as well. I, too, recommend holding off on having kids, I admit. You have two kids - take care of them. I admit it makes me uneasy when people jump into a new marriage and two months later she is pregnant…but what do I know? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/58 "2011-04-15T17:13:43Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > My parents divorced when I was six, and yeah, it was pretty rough. And I do think that part of the reason I didn’t really believe in love was because my mother never dated again after I was 7 and my dad is exceedingly undemonstrative in his own relationships…but I don’t think I would have learned that lesson had they stayed together, either. That’s just not the kind of people they are. Asking them, being the people they are and not the people I wish they were, to have stayed together really wouldn’t have made my development any better. Yeah…I’m sure I have part of this, too. Arranged marriages don’t make for a loving home. My parents never really loved each other. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/59 "2011-04-15T17:14:43Z")
I feel for the OP and his family. This is a sucky situation all around. One thing I worry about in these types of situations is how easy it is to mistake infatuation for epiphany. Sometimes meeting someone new that you click with can truly open your eyes to what is missing in your current relationship, but sometimes it’s just candy for dinner instead of chicken and vegetables: long-term relationships, particularly parenting relationships, will never be as fun and exciting as a new fling. Given that there are kids involved, I’d have really liked to see the OP let this woman go (there will be others, I promise) and spend 6-12 months working on his relationship with his wife. If it is truly fatally flawed, you get a divorce. On the other hand, if the relationship is good but you two had gotten a bit complacent toward each other, once the infatuation fades you might find yourself back in love with your wife, with a mutual awareness of how to keep things strong even in the face of kids and work travel. It’s brutally hard to do when you’re smitten, and it sounds like it’s too late in this case, but in general I think ending serious relationships needs to be done carefully when kids are involved. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/60 "2011-04-15T17:15:07Z")
I think you made a bad decision but you’ve already made it. So what you should be doing now is minimizing the damage you’re causing. Go see a counselor so you can discuss how this will affect your children. You’re a parent so you should be putting their interests ahead of your own. Both you and your girl need to apologize to the people you are leaving. They trusted you and you both betrayed that trust. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=4)