# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/61 "2011-04-15T17:16:29Z")
“Every couple of weeks they drag you away from your loved ones and send you home to your wife and kids.” -Pilot humor. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/62 "2011-04-15T17:24:26Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > Every relationship is made up of two people - if the relationship fails, it is because **both** people were making mistakes. I dispute your premise. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but it only takes one to make it fail. That one may well be me in this case though. > [@](#): > > If you don’t know what mistakes _you_ made to make this relationship failed, you _will_ make them again. And you’ll be here in another five or ten years, with two more kids and another wife and girlfriend. I know what’s wrong with me, and my girlfriend knows as well, I don’t communicate, I don’t talk about problems as they come up, I prefer to keep things inside. One of the problems with my previous relationship is that I couldn’t talk to her about my work. Flying is a huge part of my life, it’s what I’ve always dreamed of doing, I love it with a passion, and I can’t talk to my wife about it without giving her a fifteen minute technical intro first. There are other things we don’t have in common that I share with my girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I don’t have in common with my new girlfriend as well, she’s not musical, I am, she doesn’t read fiction, I do, but the things we do share seem far more important to me than those. > [@](#): > > If you want to have a truly happy relationship, you will be more successful if you go into counseling with your current wife and figure out what went wrong. Then you will at the very least have a better idea about whether you will be better off staying in your current relationship or trying a new one. I met my wife on the internet, back when that was a fairly novel thing to do. I’m not sure exactly why things happened the way they did, but I never quite felt about her the way I feel about my new girlfriend. **Argent Towers** , thanks for the laugh, terrible taste, but funny all the same. **Anaamika** , I’m listening to all of this, the good and the bad, there is very little that I haven’t already though of of course, but I think it’s good to hear it from other people, presented in different ways. If anything good comes out of it, it will be that my next relationship is more successful. In general to everyone, don’t forget that this new girlfriend is someone who I’ve come to know over three years, there is lust, but it is built on a foundation of friendship and common interests. My biggest fear through all of this was that I would lose her as a friend, she is my best friend beyond anything else. ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/63 "2011-04-15T17:29:01Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > If the genders were reversed they’d make this story into a romance film starring Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway or Renée Zellweger and you’d be a hero. But they aren’t, so you’re not. > > In any case, how old is your child? > > Edit: Nevermind, you beat me to the punch. If the genders were reversed this would be a train wreck thread and then the OP would change her username. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/64 "2011-04-15T17:55:35Z")
> [@Ace309](#): > > If the genders were reversed this would be a train wreck thread and then the OP would change her username. In fairness, while I think Richard Pearse sounds like an immature attention whore for starting this thread, (he obviously CAN’T WAIT to tell the world about his exquisite angst, even though he is certain his tortured, wind-tossed spirit is too complex, too laden with feeling for anyone to ever understand it’s tender anguish) the poster you are referring to had no intention of telling her husband that she was cheating, so as she could continue stealing the money that he was bringing home, squirreling it away so that she could afford to pay for her extra-marital activities… I will say that at least the OP has the decency to tell his wife (and the children he so dearly loves) what he is up to. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/65 "2011-04-15T17:57:20Z")
From the OP, it sounds much more to me like the relationship with the girl is much more likely to be heavily infatuation. Whether there’s anything more there is impossible to tell, but I’m inclined to think not. Yes, the OP said calling her girl was just a literary convenience to differentiate from wife, but so would have been calling her a woman or making up a name for her. That girl was chosen seem indicative to me of any possible number of things, from a teenage infatuation, to a lack of respect, etc. At best, using that term is neutral. I am, however, much more concerned that the children seem to be much more of an afterthought in the whole situation. The children may not much care now, but you’re laying the groundwork for how they understand relationships, how men behave, what love is, and any number of other things. It isn’t likely to “destroy” their lives, but it absolutely hurts the children magnitudes more than it does the wife or anyone else, and they will quite likely have emotional and relationship issues that will require therapy. And, of course, that’s not to say that staying in a loveless marriage would have necessarily been better for them, but rather the seeming lack of regard for how the situation will effect them is probably far more damaging to them than whether or not the OP chose to stay. For his sake, and the sake of his children, I hope the relationship is worth it and not just a fling, because if it’s not, when the children are older and pissed at him for leaving their mother for another woman, it’ll be that much harder for him to take it if it hasn’t, or for them to understand. Unfortunately, from my limited knowledge of the situation, not just how they met and being the rebound, but the long distance relationship currently too, the odds are probably against it. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/66 "2011-04-15T18:02:30Z")
Edit: post deleted, I think I said earlier I wasn’t going to try and defend myself. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/67 "2011-04-15T18:13:09Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > I’ve only been spending time away from my wife fairly recently, the problems, as I see it, predate that. You had problems with your wife. Did you think working very far away from her was going to help? No wonder things turned out the way they did. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/68 "2011-04-15T18:19:09Z")
In contrast to some other people, I don’t wish you luck or happiness. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/69 "2011-04-15T18:19:55Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > You had problems with your wife. Did you think working very far away from her was going to help? No wonder things turned out the way they did. There were a number of reasons why we chose to do what we did. It was her choice to move to live in her home town and be close to her parents, I was doing what I could to keep her happy. At the time, having her living near her family and me working two weeks on and two weeks off seemed the best way to keep her happy. I thought that if she was happy, I would be happy. We soon realised that living near your family is not as good as living near your friends and I don’t think either of us were very happy with the outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/70 "2011-04-15T18:28:27Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > I dispute your premise. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but it only takes one to make it fail. That one may well be me in this case though. Even when one person is making major mistakes, the other person usually has had at some point the ability to make a decision or do something that would have made for better results in the long term. However, often that decision or action is “Don’t invest time in a fixer-upper” 😃 And sometimes that decision is communicating “If you don’t shape up now, I’m going to ship out” Although, as I told my ex “I made mistakes. You fucked up” [I’ve made a point of trying to learn something from every ended relationship.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13662808&postcount=39) > [@](#): > > In general to everyone, don’t forget that this new girlfriend is someone who I’ve come to know over three years, there is lust, but it is built on a foundation of friendship and common interests. My biggest fear through all of this was that I would lose her as a friend, she is my best friend beyond anything else. My question then is, have you argued? Because any two people can have a good relationship when they agree, it’s when they disagree that you find out how strong the relationship is. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/71 "2011-04-15T18:29:45Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > From the OP, it sounds much more to me like the relationship with the girl is much more likely to be heavily infatuation. Whether there’s anything more there is impossible to tell, but I’m inclined to think not. Yes, the OP said calling her girl was just a literary convenience to differentiate from wife, but so would have been calling her a woman or making up a name for her. That girl was chosen seem indicative to me of any possible number of things, from a teenage infatuation, to a lack of respect, etc. At best, using that term is neutral. > > I am, however, much more concerned that the children seem to be much more of an afterthought in the whole situation. The children may not much care now, but you’re laying the groundwork for how they understand relationships, how men behave, what love is, and any number of other things. It isn’t likely to “destroy” their lives, but it absolutely hurts the children magnitudes more than it does the wife or anyone else, and they will quite likely have emotional and relationship issues that will require therapy. And, of course, that’s not to say that staying in a loveless marriage would have necessarily been better for them, but rather the seeming lack of regard for how the situation will effect them is probably far more damaging to them than whether or not the OP chose to stay. > > For his sake, and the sake of his children, I hope the relationship is worth it and not just a fling, because if it’s not, when the children are older and pissed at him for leaving their mother for another woman, it’ll be that much harder for him to take it if it hasn’t, or for them to understand. Unfortunately, from my limited knowledge of the situation, not just how they met and being the rebound, but the long distance relationship currently too, the odds are probably against it. I agree with every word of this. The lame justifications here would be hilarious if they weren’t sad. What this boils down to is the OP putting his own “happiness” ahead of the happiness and well being of his children. This may be a news flash to some people, but children don’t care about the sexual satisfaction and passionate love type feelings of their parents. They’re not going to be happy because you’re happy and “in love”. They’re going to feel abandoned, sad, and more often than not, guilty because children seem to be able to create scenarios in their minds that make them at fault for the break-up of their parents’ marriage. It doesn’t sound like this was a marriage that was irretrievably broken. The OP just got bored and distracted by something new and shiny, and instead of trying to address the problems in the marriage, he decided to go for the instant gratification and to hell with the consequences. He’s unbelievably selfish and short sighted, and I’d be very surprised if this new relationship survives once the original infatuation has worn off and everyday life sets in. ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/72 "2011-04-15T18:32:55Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > If the genders were reversed they’d make this story into a romance film starring Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway or Renée Zellweger and you’d be a hero. But they aren’t, so you’re not. That’s a good point. When a women leaves an unsatisfying relationship, she is often met with “You deserve someone who will treat you right and make you happy!” When a guy does it, he is often met with, “You are selfish and childish!” I’m not saying those are uniform responses, but they are very common. That being said, the right thing to do is to end it with the old partner before you start things with a new one. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/73 "2011-04-15T18:35:13Z")
Don’t know about the kids, but I think your wife’s well rid of you. She’s had half a marriage for years w/ all your being away and even then you carried on an emotional affair for several months. She can and will do better and I hope you stay out of her way when she does so. I concur w/ the posters who said to wait before having kids w/ your new girl; your commitment to fatherhood up to this point leaves something to be desired. I realize you think you’re being very honest and honorably above-board right now but being open about your actions doesn’t mean you’re being open about your motives toward everyone involved. It would kill me dead if I were a single mom half the month and this is how my husband repaid me. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/74 "2011-04-15T18:38:44Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Maybe, but I just don’t see the point of bitching at people in situations like this. No one ever listens to negative criticism. All we can do is try to give him some constructive criticism…love your kids, first and foremost. I do. I enjoy balancing the “oh, the heart wants what it wants, we wish you luck” comments with my opinion, which is that the OP screwed the pooch and is going to regret it. Shall we congratulate him on leaving his wife with two young children without even taking the laughably tiny step of getting counseling first? Even if he and his wife don’t work things out, which is unfortunate but not a failure, he’s given no indication that he spent any time thinking about how to work on their relationship or make this whole thing easier on the kids. The annoying part is that he isn’t even sufficiently ashamed of himself to avoid broadcasting his fake contrition on a public forum. I was totally sincere about hoping he keeps us updated, if only to serve as a cautionary tale for others. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/75 "2011-04-15T18:43:28Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I do. I enjoy balancing the “oh, the heart wants what it wants, we wish you luck” comments with my opinion, which is that the OP screwed the pooch and is going to regret it. Shall we congratulate him on leaving his wife with two young children without even taking the laughably tiny step of getting counseling first? Even if he and his wife don’t work things out, which is unfortunate but not a failure, he’s given no indication that he spent any time thinking about how to work on their relationship or make this whole thing easier on the kids. > The annoying part is that he isn’t even sufficiently ashamed of himself to avoid broadcasting his fake contrition on a public forum. I was totally sincere about hoping he keeps us updated, if only to serve as a cautionary tale for others. Fair enough. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/76 "2011-04-15T18:47:49Z")
I too think the OP may have been driven to divorce not so much because he and his wife are incompatible, but because he couldn’t fight off the allure of infactuation. Also, a large part of his attraction to her seems to stem from her age (hence, “girl” and him mentioning their difference in age…like why go through all the trouble of putting this in the OP if her youth is a non-factor?). Perhaps being in her presence makes him feel young and alive again, whereas being with the wife and kids just feels mundane and unexciting. Of course we don’t know all the details here. But I do question the mentality behind divorcing one’s wife and mother of one’s kids without doing some serious soul-searching first. Not a whole lot of time seemed to elapse from when the OP vowed to work things out with his wife to when he called it quits. That seems odd to me, and about as thoughtlessly impulsive as the OP pulling her into that embrace. That’s a messy thing to do while her pseudo-husband is in the other room. That was a _friend_ who was needlessly betrayed and the OP doesn’t even seem to care about it. Both the OP and his girlfriend are on the rebound, but the girlfriend definitely so. If she’d only been with that other guy out of guilt and obligation for years on end, she probably needs to sort through her mental shit (self-esteem problems???) before she dives into another hot and heavy relationship. Especially when you consider that this new relationship is now stained with guilt and obligation, much like the last one was but in a different kind of way. Not only did involvement with the OP entail betraying her “husband”, but the OP freely admits to divorcing his wife because of her. If she has a conscience, this has to bother her on some level. And if she has self-esteem problems (like I suspect she does…I think she stayed with her previous BF because she didn’t think she could do better), eventually she’ll start to look down on a man who would be willing to break up his family for someone like her. I predict that as the days go by and the realities of the situation become ever clearer, the pressure, guilt, and contempt will get to be too much for her to handle. She will leave if only because she doesn’t repeat of what happened with her last BF. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/77 "2011-04-15T18:53:27Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Get a vasectomy now. Don’t inflict your lack of parenting on another set of kids, for the love of gravy.\ Yup. > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > You had problems with your wife. Did you think working very far away from her was going to help? No wonder things turned out the way they did. I think it was Oprah who says love is a behaviour, not an emotion. No big surprise, **Richard** is in love with the person he spent his time with. While he was physically away from his wife, he was also emotionally distant from her, and giving his emotional intimacy to another woman. I’ve said it before in threads like this; don’t start down that slippery slope with people who aren’t your partners if you don’t want it to end in divorce. There were many points when **Richard** could have put on the brakes and said, “This is going somewhere that isn’t good for my marriage and children. I’m not going there,” but he didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/78 "2011-04-15T18:57:33Z")
> [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](#): > > …the poster you are referring to had no intention of telling her husband that she was cheating, so as she could continue stealing the money that he was bringing home, squirreling it away so that she could afford to pay for her extra-marital activities… > > I will say that at least the OP has the decency to tell his wife (and the children he so dearly loves) what he is up to. You are correct. Thanks for pointing that out. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/79 "2011-04-15T19:07:04Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Get a vasectomy now. Don’t inflict your lack of parenting on another set of kids, for the love of gravy. > > You sound like a quitter. And a fast quitter, at that. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but your kids are young as hell. I predict you’ll leave this one around the 5-7 year mark, too, if not sooner. Don’t leave behind more traumatized chitlins in your wake. It’s not so cut and dry. My parents stayed together “for the kids” and it did no one any favors. Everyone would have been much better off if they got divorced many years ago and created a life with new partners. If the OP and his ex-wife do this right, there is no reason whatsoever why his kids will be traumatized. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/80 "2011-04-15T19:33:47Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > Anyway, I don’t intend to try and defend myself, in many ways what I have done is indefensible, in other ways it was the only thing to do. Agreed. But what you’re doing _right_ is putting the marriage out of its misery early on and not prolonging it to the point where you and the wife start actively hurting each other. Sure, it’d have been better if your order of operations were different, but you already know that. Kids survive divorces much better than they survive horrible marriages. And whether or not it works out between you and girl, it looks like you’ve chosen the lesser of two evils. You haven’t ruined anyones life. You’ve reclaimed yours, you’ve changed the course of your kid’s life but she’s not going to grow up watching you and mom distrust each other in a permanently unhappy situation. And you’ve given your wife a future that doesn’t involve holding you against your will–she may learn to appreciate that little favor. Stuff’s going to be different, but probably not ruined. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=5)