# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/81 "2011-04-15T19:46:28Z")
Your story so closely mirrors a certian relative of mine it is creepy. Pilot, ages of kids, younger girl … weird, except that it happened over 25 years ago. In the end he crawled home and begged for his wife and children back. I didn’t know him at the time but people tell me his personality completely changed after that, like night and day. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/82 "2011-04-15T19:54:42Z")
I’m aghast that you’d accept the hospitality of this woman’s husband and then kiss his wife while he slept in the next room. If you’d have been in my home, my husband would have beat the ever-living shit out of you. And, once caught, you have the balls to joke that it was the shortest affair on record. Do you not have an ounce of sympathy for the guy whose marriage you just wrecked or are you just acting glib for the audience? I’m similarly aghast that you wrote this thread like a giddy teenager in love while two families are reeling from the aftermath of your infatuation. You’ve known for awhile what path you were headed down. Would it kill you to give your wife and kids a nano-second to catch their breath before you traipse off with the new girlfriend like a lovesick hound dog? ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/83 "2011-04-15T19:57:36Z")
My intrinsic reaction to this story is negative for two reasons. 1. It seems like the OP’s wife is actually a nice woman. Usually these stories involve the left party being batshit insane, or inescapably clingy or something like that. She seems like a good, faithful wife/mother whose only fault was not being exciting enough for the OP. 2. The OP by his own admission never really talked to her about the problems in their marriage or his feelings, before he left her. It seems like he never gave himself and his wife a chance as a couple to articulate and try to address the problems in the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/84 "2011-04-15T20:04:30Z")
Yeah- Sorry, homie- you _(some not pitworthy comment)_. I wish I had a million stewardesses to blow me whenever I felt like it- but I would rather have my reliable wife and mother, whom I do, and I love… Go blank a blank… ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/85 "2011-04-15T20:06:43Z")
I agree with posters here who have pointed out that infatuation can look a lot like epiphany. Only time will tell how this shakes out. At first I wanted to be disgusted, but on the other hand, I don’t really believe people should sacrifice their happiness for others, either. You could have handled it a lot worse and I’m not sure how guilt is really going to help anything at this point - unless it motivates you to do right by your kids and your ex. Because there is not a doubt in my mind you seriously fucked them over. And kissing the guy’s lover in his own house… that is some deep audacity. I just have to say, you must have known where this was headed long before it headed that way. Infidelity is an act of opportunity more than anything else. I’m not so deluded that I think I could never feel infatuated with or fall in love with another man. I think you can be deeply in love with one person and still be attracted to another. This is why I don’t go to pick-up hangouts alone, and why I stay the hell away from men I could see myself bonding with on that level. I’m not saying I don’t have guy friends, but every once in a while I get that feeling, and I know it’s mutual, and I just stay the hell away. Those who think their marriage is so strong that they could never be tempted or whatever… I just don’t think so. I have a very strong marriage. But I think part of the reason for that is that I protect it in every possible way. I don’t think people often see how easily ‘‘a few drinks with a friend’’ can become ‘‘oh my god this person is amazing’’ and then ‘‘what the hell am I going to do?’’ Just my two cents. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/86 "2011-04-15T20:09:54Z")
Why do I think you wrote this OP just to get off on the notoreity, whatever anyway, you’ve just radically altered three lives you obviously didn’t care anything about. Good luck asshole. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/87 "2011-04-15T20:16:25Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > My intrinsic reaction to this story is negative for two reasons. > > 1. It seems like the OP’s wife is actually a nice woman. Usually these stories involve the left party being batshit insane, or inescapably clingy or something like that. She seems like a good, faithful wife/mother whose only fault was not being exciting enough for the OP. > > 2. The OP by his own admission never really talked to her about the problems in their marriage or his feelings, before he left her. It seems like he never gave himself and his wife a chance as a couple to articulate and try to address the problems in the relationship. I also have a negative response. Both of the problems you list are a factor, and I think the notion that a relationship always fails because of problems on both ends is obscurantism. What’s being obscured is that one person in a relationship might have the problem of, say, not being a young nubile blonde, while the other might have the problem of wanting a young nubile blonde. Or one person might have the problem of being a raging alcoholic, while the other person has the problem of not recognizing this soon enough. What’s obscured is that not all problems are created equal and some people create problems more than other people do. Some people have more reasonable desires than others, and personality traits more congenial to the happiness of those around them. And besides, the whole post is self-indulgent. The poster is bragging (under the guise of reflective musing) about his actions and daring us to object. He wants to create the impression that he has depth of emotion when obviously he has nothing of the sort. It’s not merely that his _actions_ are self-serving; the post itself is. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/88 "2011-04-15T20:29:17Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > Why do I think you wrote this OP just to get off on the notoreity, whatever anyway, you’ve just radically altered three lives you obviously didn’t care anything about. Good luck asshole. This language is not acceptable in MPSIMS, especially after I made it clear that people who wanted to attack the OP should refrain in this thread. > [@twickster](#): > > This obviously has the potential to get heated. If you want to attack the OP, do so in the Pit. If you want to debate the institution of marriage, do it in GD. > > In this thread while it is in this forum, please keep it civil. > > Thanks, > > **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator I’ve issued you a warning for personal insults, though “ignoring moderator instructions” would be equally valid grounds. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/89 "2011-04-15T20:44:34Z")
\*\*Richard, \*\*How much time or effort did you put in on fixing your marriage? Or did you decree by unilateral fiat that it is unfixable? ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/90 "2011-04-15T20:49:37Z")
Am I supposed to be impressed by the OP, or sympathetic, or like what are we going for here? Because, hey, congrats on banging the 29-year-old, if the former! And, awww, sorry about having to raise two kids on your own now, if the latter. Wait, the last one doesn’t apply, does it? Nevermind, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/91 "2011-04-15T20:57:57Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > My intrinsic reaction to this story is negative for two reasons. > > 1. It seems like the OP’s wife is actually a nice woman. Usually these stories involve the left party being batshit insane, or inescapably clingy or something like that. She seems like a good, faithful wife/mother whose only fault was not being exciting enough for the OP. Well, would it be better if he trashed her in the OP, as well? I mean, she’s coming off like something of a long suffering Madonna here (the saint, not the singer), but that’s because we really know nothing at all about her. And I’m kind of glad for that, actually. If he had written bad things about her - true or not - he’d come off like he was blaming her for his adultery. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/92 "2011-04-15T21:03:12Z")
I get that you and your wife may not have been compatible in the long run and it was better to get out now. I get that the girl and her partner were the same way. What I don’t get is how you can visit with them, make pals with the guy, hang out there all the time “under the facade of friendship”, sleep in their home, while all the while pursuing the girl. That’s not finding yourself falling in love with her, that’s chasing after her right off the bat and moving into their home and going after her. That’s the part that colors the rest of the situation with the ugly brush. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/93 "2011-04-15T21:05:36Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Well, would it be better if he trashed her in the OP, as well? Not “trashed” her necessarily, but if she had some clearly-definable fault (like, let’s say she was constantly accusing him of cheating because she was insecure), it would be a lot easier to be sympathetic to the OP. It still wouldn’t forgive the cheating, but it would make it seem like maybe her only fault wasn’t not being a pilot too. I think ultimately this strikes deeply at one of my own fears. That I will be puttering along happily in a relationship, doing all the right things, no idea that there is anything wrong, and then suddenly my bf/husband/father of my children will abruptly tell me he’s left me for another woman. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/94 "2011-04-15T22:13:26Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I feel for the OP and his family. This is a sucky situation all around. > > One thing I worry about in these types of situations is how easy it is to mistake infatuation for epiphany. Sometimes meeting someone new that you click with can truly open your eyes to what is missing in your current relationship, but sometimes it’s just candy for dinner instead of chicken and vegetables: long-term relationships, particularly parenting relationships, will never be as fun and exciting as a new fling. Wise words, long neck. I don’t believe in staying in a relationship if you’re not happy. I would hate it if my SO would stay with me when he really didn’t want to out of some idea that it was better for me. Two things I find pretty distasteful [ol] [li]the fact that if “the girl” (gag) wasn’t going to be with you, you would stay with your wife. But since she _does_ (for now) want to be with you, you’ll leave your wife. Cowardly and selfish.[/li][li]As **PunditLisa** said earlier, you stayed with them in their home knowing full well you were developing feelings for her. You abused the husband’s hospitality and trust so you could get closer to his wife. The joke after he caught you is tasteless beyond measure. He just got the shock of a lifetime seeing his partner of many years kissing someone he thought he could trust and you make a joke?[/li][/ol] This entire thread speaks volumes about your character IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/95 "2011-04-15T22:31:43Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > That’s a good point. When a women leaves an unsatisfying relationship, she is often met with “You deserve someone who will treat you right and make you happy!” > > When a guy does it, he is often met with, “You are selfish and childish!” A woman who abandons her husband with a 3- and a 5-year old at home? I have my doubts. But you’re right in that I think people do often allow for women’s _ennui_ and emotional fulfillment more than men’s. It’s a shame that the OP didn’t figure this out before having two kids, or any at all, but if he’s away so much perhaps this is best for everyone. Hopefully he’s right and everything will stay amicable. Second the suggestion to talk to a counselor (or even to the children of divorced parents, if he isn’t one himself) about the best course of action for leaving them in the best shape possible. I still don’t understand what a ‘possession ring’ is, but the concept alone sounds a bit odd and creepy, and might suggest someone who’s into drama or unhealthy relationships with men. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/96 "2011-04-15T23:04:47Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I just have to say, you must have known where this was headed long before it headed that way. Infidelity is an act of opportunity more than anything else. I’m not so deluded that I think I could never feel infatuated with or fall in love with another man. I think you can be deeply in love with one person and still be attracted to another. This is why I don’t go to pick-up hangouts alone, and why I stay the hell away from men I could see myself bonding with on that level. I’m not saying I don’t have guy friends, but every once in a while I get that feeling, and I know it’s mutual, and I just stay the hell away. > > Those who think their marriage is so strong that they could never be tempted or whatever… I just don’t think so. I have a very strong marriage. But I think part of the reason for that is that I protect it in every possible way. I don’t think people often see how easily ‘‘a few drinks with a friend’’ can become ‘‘oh my god this person is amazing’’ and then ‘‘what the hell am I going to do?’’ Just my two cents. Your two cents is absolutely right, and something I’ve noticed for a long time. It’s easy to cheat, and often people will deliberately blind themselves to what they are doing before it’s too late. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/97 "2011-04-15T23:22:14Z")
The thing I find most disturbing about the OP is the apparent absence of his relationship with his children as a factor in his internal deliberations, such as they were. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/98 "2011-04-15T23:29:53Z")
It’s one thing to be unhappy in a marriage–been there, done that. It’s quite another to not at least try to make it work or to consider the welfare of YOUR children. And don’t think for a minute that they won’t have Daddy issues as young women and adults, especially the 5 year old. I’m a child of an unhappy marriage, long separation and divorce, AND remarriage of my parents (to each other). I am also the newly separated wife-half of an empty marriage for the past (slightly more than a) few years. I know there will be fallout re the kids. And we have had probably the most amicable separation possible; there is no third person involved. I wish you and your well, but there is a whiff of smugness about the OP that does not sit well with me. It’s all very pretty, shiny and happy in your lust-bubble. The future holds many surprises for you, I think. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/99 "2011-04-15T23:31:43Z")
I wanna have an affair _with_ my wife- how do I manage that without her finding out? … Kids are okay, we have one, and are working on another… I agree- he has many (re-)surprises with his new love- he had them with his last, and will have them with his next- he needs to figure out which are him, and which are the women he attracts… ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/100 "2011-04-15T23:33:41Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > I wanna have an affair _with_ my wife- how do I manage that without her finding out? Roofies. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=6)