# I have left my wife and children. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491 "2011-04-15T15:16:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/141 "2011-04-16T18:38:06Z")
Oh hell. It’s not our business who the man sleeps with. Clearly he loves his kids and he is doing his best. He went about the divorce the wrong way, but\* back off.\* ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/142 "2011-04-16T18:48:11Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > Oh hell. It’s not our business who the man sleeps with. Clearly he loves his kids and he is doing his best. He went about the divorce the wrong way, but\* back off.\* Sure it’s our business, because he made it our business when he decided to tell the whole story on the SDMB. If you’re going to do something shitty and then tell a bunch of strangers about it, you shouldn’t be surprised if they tell you it’s shitty. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/143 "2011-04-16T18:48:29Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I feel for the OP and his family. This is a sucky situation all around. > > One thing I worry about in these types of situations is how easy it is to mistake infatuation for epiphany. Sometimes meeting someone new that you click with can truly open your eyes to what is missing in your current relationship, but sometimes it’s just candy for dinner instead of chicken and vegetables: long-term relationships, particularly parenting relationships, will never be as fun and exciting as a new fling. > > Given that there are kids involved, I’d have really liked to see the OP let this woman go (there will be others, I promise) and spend 6-12 months working on his relationship with his wife. If it is truly fatally flawed, you get a divorce. On the other hand, if the relationship is good but you two had gotten a bit complacent toward each other, once the infatuation fades you might find yourself back in love with your wife, with a mutual awareness of how to keep things strong even in the face of kids and work travel. > > It’s brutally hard to do when you’re smitten, and it sounds like it’s too late in this case, but in general I think ending serious relationships needs to be done carefully when kids are involved. This, this, and a thousand times this. Leaving your family is a huge decision. You should make sure that you are doing it because it is irrevocably broken, and not because you have a hard dick towards this lady. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/144 "2011-04-16T18:48:43Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > What fucked me up? It sure as fuck wasn’t that. It was my mother’s insistence on denigrating and running down my father every chance she got over the next 18 years. In one breath telling me how useless and worthless and what a fuck-up he was, then later turning around and telling me I was just like my father - in an affectionate manner, even. \*That \*was more damaging than my parents’ decision that they couldn’t live together and be 100% in each others’ lives any more. I agree with this and know it well because my mother did exactly the same thing. I happen to look exactly like my father, which added another whole layer of insanity to it all. It is THIS kind of shit that stays with a person and makes it that much harder to have healthy relationships in life. That said, I highly doubt the OP has thought any of this through. Sure, there’s bound to be much more to this story than what he relates here (let us all hope so), but I see no remorse, no concern for his kids, his future, the intricate, overwhelming details involved in separating from an established life. His focus is NOT on how to get through all that with minimal damage to all; his focus is in sharing just how GREAT it all will be. He hasn’t mentioned attempting to work on his marriage at all. That’s a huge red flag to me. YMMV. Are some people over the top here? Sure. Why not? They’re just opinions. So what? ETA: Clearly he loves his kids? From where does one derive that conclusion? Clearly he loves the endorphin high he’s getting from “the girl” (and just wait until “the girl” has needs that he is not interested in satisfying…) ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/145 "2011-04-16T18:52:39Z")
So what happens in 10 years when the new “girl” has two of your kids and isn’t as exciting as the new secretary? You gonna divorce her too? You’re likely to run out of money for alimoney and child support that way. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/146 "2011-04-16T18:54:14Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > What fucked me up? It sure as fuck wasn’t that. It was my mother’s insistence on denigrating and running down my father every chance she got over the next 18 years. In one breath telling me how useless and worthless and what a fuck-up he was, then later turning around and telling me I was just like my father - in an affectionate manner, even. \*That \*was more damaging than my parents’ decision that they couldn’t live together and be 100% in each others’ lives any more. My parents had a fantastic marriage but I agree with this notion logically. At least now his kids will have a happy father instead of a lifeless/depressed one. And maybe their mom will find a guy who makes her happy too and then you’ve got two happy role models and relationships to learn from instead of seeing a bleak miserable secret-hiding daddy and mommy growing ever-distant as their primary example of what relationships should be. It doesn’t necessarily have to end in doom and gloom for the kids. You gave it a go, 12 years is a good attempt. Ideally you could have set up an open marriage where you guys can stay together but play guilt-free on the side, but most couples can’t handle the jealousy and such in that and youve already set this way into motion. It sounds like you’re concerned about how to minimize the damage to your kids which is good. All in all I don’t think people should be forced to be miserable. …but your new chick is nuts. There are a fuckton of red flags you can’t see right now with the “she’s special and magical” goggles you have on. She will be the mayor of Drama-ville, population: you. But then half the attraction is that this chick makes you feel SOMETHING (good or bad) while with your wife your emotions are flatlined. It’s the same reason chicks cheat on their nice guy bfs/hubbies, even the drama feels good just cause it’s SOMETHING. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/147 "2011-04-16T18:55:37Z")
To you and your lady friend; congratulations! You are now in a relationship with a confessed cheater. I hope I never am in a plane which you pilot, clearly duty and responsibility are words you take lightly, no matter what your abilities, which I am sure are first rate. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/148 "2011-04-16T19:58:40Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > …but your new chick is nuts. There are a fuckton of red flags you can’t see right now with the “she’s special and magical” goggles you have on. It’s funny you say this, because to me she sounds the least nuts out of the two of them. At least her decision to leave was independent of the new guy, plus she didn’t break any legally binding contract by breaking up with her bf. She also isn’t adding years of child support and possibly alimony on top of pre-existing financial worries. And estrangement from her kids presumably isn’t an issue for her either. If anyone has red flags, it’s the OP unfortunately. If I were advising “the girl”, I would tell her to wake up and smell the baggage coming her way. By moving to where he is, she’ll be inviting a scorned baby mama and two little kids into her life. Any friend that is worth something would tell her to slow down with this guy. The infidelity actually is the least of it. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/149 "2011-04-16T20:03:00Z")
Well, don’t forget that she told the OP she was married and for 3 years kept that fiction in place… They deserve one another, IMO. I reserve my sympathies and concern for the wife, kids and “husband” aka cuckold. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/150 "2011-04-16T20:18:59Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > It’s funny you say this, because to me she sounds the least nuts out of the two of them. Our two statements aren’t in conflict. 🙂 He’s nuts too, but I think he knows that he is whereas the neon red flags this chick is waving aren’t on his radar because she is new vag and new vag is always magical at first. They might make it work, they might not. Either way I wish everyone involved from him and his chick to his wife and kids the best of luck. When people first break up it’s “this is the worst thing ever!!!” and if they don’t find happiness they say “that was the moment my life fell apart damn you you bastard!!” but if they find happiness they say “that was the best thing ever, I was mad at the time but I’m so thankful because him bailing on me let me meet this wonderful new person” The human mind and how it backwards rationalizes is a fascinating thing. 😃 - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/151 "2011-04-16T20:25:47Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > I just wanted to get it off my chest actually. I’m not bothered by the reaction it gets and I’m not looking for validation or anything, what’s done is done. Responses such as **DianaG** ’s are genuinely funny even if they aren’t sympathetic. > [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > **Stoid** , grief is not something I share with people on a message board, in fact emotions in general are things I only share with a very few people in real life only (I don’t even talk about my feelings with my mother.) Just because I omit things from my posts, does not mean they aren’t there. Really? You didn’t start this thread looking for validation, and you don’t share your emotions with strangers on message boards. This still smells fishy. Just what are you getting out of this **Richard Pearse**? What did you start this thread, and why do you keep coming back to it? Either you’re not being honest with yourself, or you’re not being honest with us. Or maybe both. I’m betting on the first one. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/152 "2011-04-16T21:24:17Z")
> [@](#): > > and he is doing his best. I think this is very accurate. I think it’s the saddest thing about this hopelessly sad thread. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/153 "2011-04-16T22:17:10Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Curious why you even made this thread. Are you a glutton for punishment? Because that’s all you’re going to find here. I actually think it’s an interesting social experiment, pitting the ideal of “you should never stay in a marriage if you are unhappy” versus the idea that people who happily get divorces are homewreckers. I thought I’d knew how it would turn out, but there are actually people defending the former from the latter. As for me, I don’t give a crap. OP, do what you want. Get the negative reactions you crave for what you obviously feel is a negative action. The only thing I will warn you about is to make sure it doesn’t lead to depression. Beating yourself up only seems like it will make you feel better. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/154 "2011-04-16T22:45:36Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I actually think it’s an interesting social experiment, pitting the ideal of “you should never stay in a marriage if you are unhappy” versus the idea that people who happily get divorces are homewreckers. If that was the case, I’d suggest to the OP that he try the same experiment on other message boards (unrelated to this one) as well before coming to a conclusion. It was pretty easy to predict how this thread would turn out on this message board. **Richard Pearse** , I wish you joy, peace and happiness. Good luck with the journey ahead! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/155 "2011-04-16T23:25:32Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Really? People are jumping on him for calling his new chick a girl? Maybe it’s because I’m young (21) but I refer to my girlfriends as girls all the fucking time. Even if I stop using the term as I get older I doubt I’ll ever give it a second’s thought when someone else does. There’s a lot you can tear into **Richard** for, but this? Give me a break. Agreed. I refer to _myself_ as a girl, and I’m 28. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/156 "2011-04-16T23:40:11Z")
It wasn’t that he once referred to her this way, it was that he only ever called her, ‘the girl’, it did creep me out a bit. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/157 "2011-04-16T23:41:58Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Agreed. I refer to _myself_ as a girl, and I’m 28. So what. I do, too. And as a sassy black woman, it is my duty to say ‘gurrrrl’ at least once a week, or they take my card away. But if you can read the OP and not find the way he says it stilted, awkward, forced and contrived, then color me surprised at that. It is crystal clear that he applying the word differently than one is used to hearing it. I know you feel where I’m coming from, gurl. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/158 "2011-04-17T00:38:09Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > It wasn’t that he once referred to her this way, it was that he only ever called her, ‘the girl’, it did creep me out a bit. So fucking what? A lot of men refer to their wives as “the wife” and women do likewise when referring to their husbands. He even included a footer note in case you lost your shit over it. But here you all are, getting recreationally outraged about it anyway. > [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > But if you can read the OP and not find the way he says it stilted, awkward, forced and contrived, then color me surprised at that. I just went back and read it over again (rather, I just ctrl+f’d “girl” and read those sentences again). No, the word usage didn’t seem weird to me. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/159 "2011-04-17T00:46:18Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > … > I just went back and read it over again (rather, I just ctrl+f’d “girl” and read those sentences again). No, the word usage didn’t seem weird to me. [QUOTE=Richard] That day I went home for my two weeks of days off with my family while girl had to work and mull things over [/QUOTE] Ha. Hahaa. [Hahaaa!](http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/500px-HA_HA_HA_OH_WOW_7174.jpg) Ok. I guess I’m just old. In your young generation, Clock, it must be common to say things like “me and boy went for a drink while girl and girl went to the movies.” Sure. Not awkward at all. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491/160 "2011-04-17T01:06:45Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Ok. I guess I’m just old. In your young generation, Clock, it must be common to say things like “me and boy went for a drink while girl and girl went to the movies.” Exactly. Glad we could clear that up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-left-my-wife-and-children/578491.md?page=9)