# I have my 3yo nephew for 5 days. What evil thing can I teach him to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 28, 2008, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907 "2008-12-28T02:05:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alienhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8edcca/32.png) [@Alienhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alienhand)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/1 "2008-12-28T02:05:31Z")
My brother and SIL are going to be staying with me for five days while on vacation and I volunteered to baby-sit the devil spawn during the day. I need to teach him to do something evil that will truly make him worthy of his surname and to fulfill my duty as an uncle. SIL was known for being a bit promiscuous prior to meeting my brother so I was thinking of having some friends over and teaching him to hug guy’s legs and say “DADDY!?”. Any suggestions for anything better? If it helps any, he speaks coherently, reads a few words, counts and can add single digits but does NOT dance. ---
**Author:** ![Annie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/858c86/32.png) [@Annie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/2 "2008-12-28T02:15:55Z")
Appliance repair ---
**Author:** ![EpicNonsense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c37758/32.png) [@EpicNonsense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EpicNonsense)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/3 "2008-12-28T02:42:08Z")
Teach him how to light a match. ---
**Author:** ![3acresandatruck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/e79b87/32.png) [@3acresandatruck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3acresandatruck)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/4 "2008-12-28T02:43:28Z")
armpit farts how to belch the alphabet (or his name) Trust me. I’m an experienced uncle and have vexed my sisters many times. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/5 "2008-12-28T02:48:14Z")
I once taught one of my nephews to say “Want some bourbon?” I think he was about 18 months old at the time. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/6 "2008-12-28T02:51:39Z")
Oh this is easy: teach him to say “DUUUUUUUDE!!!” after everyone’s name in conversation. As in "hi Mom dude, hi Dad dude - how’s it goin’ DUUUUDES?? I have it on good authority that 3 year olds LOVE learning Dude-speak precisely because of the evil power they hold over their parents once they wield it… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/7 "2008-12-28T02:52:47Z")
The belching is an excellent suggestion. However, I’ve gotten the most mileage out of teaching my nephews to use electronic devices – particularly, tv remotes. And computers. And voice answering machines. _Hours_ of entertainment for my brother as he tries to reprogram TiVO. Or fix their NetFlix account list so it isn’t _all_ Thomas the Train DVDs.\* Mind you, he wasn’t terribly entertained at the aftermath of “let’s put staples into the computer hard drive”. But then, that one wasn’t my doing, anyway. - Number One Nephew is now 6, and was a bit precocious with the computer stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/8 "2008-12-28T02:58:47Z")
Teach him to sing [Lake Titicaca.](http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=nzPvP4_E8OA) This annoyed the hell out of my sister when I taught it to my niece. I like the “Duuuuude” suggestion as well. I can’t wait for my best friend’s 6 month old to start talking. ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/9 "2008-12-28T02:58:48Z")
Teach him that it’s proper and polite to always open one’s mouth as wide as possible before swallowing food. Lead by example. ---
**Author:** ![luv2draw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@luv2draw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luv2draw)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/10 "2008-12-28T03:01:42Z")
Oh, I’d be teaching him some “bad” words…😛 ---
**Author:** ![slitterst](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecc23a/32.png) [@slitterst](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slitterst)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/11 "2008-12-28T03:04:39Z")
Teach him some _almost_ bad words. That way his parents can’t really get mad at you, but you’ll have the satisfaction of hearing a 3 year old say “Wankel-Rotary Engine.” Or any time he sees a male chicken he’ll shout out “Cock!” ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/12 "2008-12-28T03:09:46Z")
To loudly proclaim “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas” “who lit the fuse on your tampon” “have you had your medications reviewed lately, I think they need adjusting” ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/13 "2008-12-28T03:13:01Z")
> [@slitterst](#): > > Teach him some _almost_ bad words. That way his parents can’t really get mad at you, but you’ll have the satisfaction of hearing a 3 year old say “Wankel-Rotary Engine.” Or any time he sees a male chicken he’ll shout out “Cock!” Or to chew loudly and say “I’m masticating”, preferably with his mouth full. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/14 "2008-12-28T03:14:19Z")
Lake Titicaca was good, I enjoy teaching niecphews Copacabana just for the sheer evil of it. I like the almost bad words, armpit belching and Dudespeak suggestions best. Have fun! ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/15 "2008-12-28T03:14:24Z")
This thread is really stirring up the evil in me. Start teaching him all the cadence calls from full metal jacket. ---
**Author:** ![Alienhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8edcca/32.png) [@Alienhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alienhand)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/16 "2008-12-28T03:17:44Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > However, I’ve gotten the most mileage out of teaching my nephews to use electronic devices – particularly, tv remotes. And computers. And voice answering machines. _Hours_ of entertainment for my brother as he tries to reprogram TiVO. Or fix their NetFlix account list so it isn’t _all_ Thomas the Train DVDs. That is most beautiful thing I have ever seen. [QUOTE=WordMan] Oh this is easy: teach him to say “DUUUUUUUDE!!!” after everyone’s name in conversation. As in "hi Mom dude, hi Dad dude - how’s it goin’ DUUUUDES?? [/quote] This is great because my brother still puts an occasional “man” on the end of sentences despite his best efforts and it pisses off my SIL. The belching, farting and pyromania he inherits so no need waste time on that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/17 "2008-12-28T03:26:03Z")
Remember that anything you teach him has the capacity to be passed on to the other kids in his preschool or play groups or Sunday School or whatever other toddler social set he belongs to, so it could end up causing misery for mommies and daddies other than your brother and SIL. Be kind. ---
**Author:** ![Alienhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8edcca/32.png) [@Alienhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alienhand)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/18 "2008-12-28T03:29:02Z")
Kind!? Kind!? I’m the younger brother, I have no such responsibilities. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/19 "2008-12-28T03:32:11Z")
Toy Poodle Microwave Creative Recipe? Need I say more ?🙂 ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/20 "2008-12-28T03:35:27Z")
Teach him that everytime he has a question and someone gives him an answer… Have him proclaim loudly “CITE?!” 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907.md?page=2)