# I have my 3yo nephew for 5 days. What evil thing can I teach him to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 28, 2008, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907 "2008-12-28T02:05:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/21 "2008-12-28T03:36:44Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > To loudly proclaim > “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas” **Coffeekitten** used to say, “Boys have penises and girls have pajamas.” He’s 15 now. He’s going to kill me. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/22 "2008-12-28T03:41:21Z")
Can he spit? Better yet, can he **hork** and spit? And has he learned to adjust his package? Probably won’t work if he’s still in diapers, but it’s worth a shot. ---
**Author:** ![Alienhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8edcca/32.png) [@Alienhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alienhand)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/23 "2008-12-28T03:57:36Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > Can he spit? Better yet, can he **hork** and spit? And has he learned to adjust his package? Probably won’t work if he’s still in diapers, but it’s worth a shot. Other brother got to him first, he horks, spits then says “I got yur \_\_\_\_\_ right here” while grabbing his package. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/24 "2008-12-28T03:59:07Z")
My husband can move his eyes independently of each other, so he managed to teach that to his older sisters’ girls when they were little. Freaked the hell out of the sisters, as they were squeamish over stuff like that. You’d need to already have that skill to do this, though. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/25 "2008-12-28T04:39:03Z")
I was once successful in teaching my niece to fill her mouth with food, puff her cheeks then do the Belushi Squirt, (from Animal House and if I have to explain more, then, … well then never mind.) and then say “I’m a pimple, get it?” But only when her other grandma was around - that would be the brother-in-laws mom, she with the pole up her ass. I wasn’t around to see it, but I heard that when it happened, both my sister and her jerk husband immediately thought of me. I was so proud. And you sir - I applaud you for reaching for the sky here. From **MBG** - a fellow younger brother. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/26 "2008-12-28T04:43:14Z")
> [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](#): > > Teach him that it’s proper and polite to always open one’s mouth as wide as possible before swallowing food. Lead by example. This Christmas I got to watch as one of my younger brothers (who is in his late forties) tried to teach his 18-month-old grand-nephew (one of my other brother’s grandsons) that the proper way to eat was to put his face down into his plate. A little later he was demonstrating how to make farting noises with his armpit. ---
**Author:** ![Deeg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deeg/32/2955_2.png) [@Deeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deeg)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/27 "2008-12-28T04:53:56Z")
I am a well-practiced uncle but I only have nieces so these may not apply as well: [ul] [li]A really loud, obnoxious toy. Drums would be good. The problem is finding one that the little brat won’t tire of quickly.[/li][li]Teach him to hide keys.[/li][li]Get him to say “I have to take a leak” and “I have to take a dump.” When my three-year old niece said “I have to take a weak” it was well worth the daggers from my sister.[/li][li]“Club baby seals!” is a good one if his parents are animal lovers.[/li][/ul] It is good to see you taking your uncle responsibilities seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Bacon\_Salt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/65b543/32.png) [@Bacon\_Salt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bacon_Salt)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/28 "2008-12-28T05:06:43Z")
You people are terrible, actually encouraging **Alienhand** to teach the nephew naughty things when he should be teaching the kid how to improve on the useful skills he already has. Why not teach the kid to count backwards? There’s even a really good song that goes something like “99 bottles of pop on the wall…” ---
**Author:** ![Write\_Handed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecb155/32.png) [@Write\_Handed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Write_Handed)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/29 "2008-12-28T05:09:03Z")
One should never underestimate the value of pop culture. I believe it would be incredibly awesome to hear a young child happily singing “I’m just a sweet transvestite” or telling people they’ve lost the game. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/30 "2008-12-28T05:10:46Z")
I taught my 3 year old nephew to fake vomit. My sister hasn’t forgiven me 15 years later. ---
**Author:** ![Alienhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8edcca/32.png) [@Alienhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alienhand)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/31 "2008-12-28T05:12:06Z")
I didn’t see any naughty suggestions, I have no idea where they picked it up from. I blame the TV. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/32 "2008-12-28T05:12:37Z")
Believe me, after a full day with a three year old, you won’t believe how evil he already is…without your help! ---
**Author:** ![Pyper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pyper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pyper)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/33 "2008-12-28T05:22:34Z")
I taught my 3-year-old autistic client (I am a behavior therapist) to take a bucket or empty toy container, breathe heavily into it, and intone, “Luke. _I_ am your father.” Yes, I do use my powers for evil. ---
**Author:** ![Alienhand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8edcca/32.png) [@Alienhand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alienhand)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/34 "2008-12-28T05:23:15Z")
> [@Hazle Weatherfield](#): > > Believe me, after a full day with a three year old, you won’t believe how evil he already is…without your help! My mother said “the three of you boys (2 older brothers) were all devious children but he is most like you, Alienhand, so what you’re thinking, he’s doing.” From previous experience with the devil spawn, my Mom is dead on. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Santos\_L\_Halper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/santos_l_halper/32/1_2.png) [@Santos\_L\_Halper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santos_L_Halper)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/35 "2008-12-28T06:26:27Z")
> [@Alienhand](#): > > I have my 3yo nephew for 5 days. What evil thing can I teach him to do? Smoke cigars. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/36 "2008-12-28T06:30:28Z")
Teach him to resist putting on his underwear by saying he wants to “go commando”. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/37 "2008-12-28T06:51:54Z")
There is absolutely no need to _teach_ a 3yo not to put on his underwear. That comes naturally. Number Two Nephew attempted to continue opening Christmas presents with no pants _and_ no underwear, because he’d been forced to stop long enough to get out of his overnight diapers, but didn’t want to waste more time putting on other pants. SiL was not amused. Well, she was amused, but didn’t let him know it. Also, the OP had better beware for eventual kids of his own. I happen to be an _older_ brother, and everyone knows that abusing our younger brother is what we _do_. I’m safe from retaliation; I have no kids myself. But others… ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/38 "2008-12-28T07:06:02Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > There is absolutely no need to _teach_ a 3yo not to put on his underwear. That comes naturally. … Then just teach the terminology – everytime the kid is pantsless, tell him he should shout out, “I’m going commando!” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/39 "2008-12-28T07:07:20Z")
> [@3acresandatruck](#): > > armpit farts > how to belch the alphabet (or his name) > > Trust me. I’m an experienced uncle and have vexed my sisters many times. I came in here to say this. Fairly harmless and will go away in time. More importantly is to let him know that real men loudly announce that they like cats. Such as: “I love pussies, and so does my Daddy.” This is simply too good to pass up. Bring another brother in on it. ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_Stimulus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Digital\_Stimulus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_Stimulus)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2008, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907/40 "2008-12-28T08:24:37Z")
Rather than just armpit farts, add some pizazz – teach him “Kung-fu farting” (with all due apologies to [Carl Douglas](http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/kungfufightinglyrics.html)). Nothing like a group of young boys (brothers, you say?) singing, high-kicking, and making fart noises to drive _everybody_ batty. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-my-3yo-nephew-for-5-days-what-evil-thing-can-i-teach-him-to-do/478907.md?page=3)