# I Have Serious Wolf-ass **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 17, 2001, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233 "2001-04-17T02:26:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2001, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/21 "2001-04-18T05:21:18Z")
Frighteningly, DLD, that was pretty much the same first impression I got… Scylla - funny stuff… ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/22 "2001-04-19T01:28:07Z")
**Scylla** for serious wolf-ass, or rectal mucosal burning, this health professional recommends you visit your doc and request some 2% viscous xylocaine jelly (prescription only, at least here in the US). Evacuate, use a bidet or shower, then apply a small handful vigorously to the rectal mucosal tissue for blessed relief! And next time, try Snyder’s Jalapeno pretzel nuggets! Qadgop, MD ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/23 "2001-04-19T02:34:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \* > Yes!! Much better!! 😃 Although the judges unfortunately can’t give you any extra points for the OP, 'cause you had to add clarification in an additional post. So I’m gonna have to go with a basic **6.0**. But we’re still waiting to hear from the other judges, you know, so sit tight. And only a 6.0 from the international judge for the OP’s failure to include a lament over the lack of bidets in America. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/24 "2001-04-19T05:34:12Z")
Qadgop, I eat a lot of barbecue and Mexican food…and I use A&D ointment regularly. I try to avoid hemorrhoid remedies, as it seems that they all include alcohol as an ingredient. This only makes things worse, in my experience. However, I’ve written down your recommendation for my next doctor’s visit. I’m willing to try ANYTHING, particularly during an attack. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/25 "2001-04-19T11:59:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Qadgop the Mercotan \* > \*\* Evacuate, \*\* \<----raising bullhorn to mouth… > [@](#): > > \*\*Will anyone within the school building suffering from burning rectal mucosa, please evacuate the premises and ass-emble on the front lawn. Qagdop will commence with the ceremonial suppositories at 1100 hours. That is all. \*\* . 😃 😃 😃 Said scenario guaranteed to make for excellent Yearbook Photos. 😉 Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/26 "2001-04-19T13:33:40Z")
Couple weeks back, I decide to make a couple sandwiches with pickled Habanero peppers. The next morning, while taking a very loose shit, my rectum burned so fiercely that I did not even recognize the phenonomenon for what it was. I was ready to call 911 because I imagine blood pouring from ass, from some heinous internal injury. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/27 "2001-04-19T14:11:23Z")
Keep in mind that viscous xylocaine only covers up the pain, by acting as a topical anesthetic. It will not undo any damage caused by the capsaicin to the mucosal tissue (usually none to minor). But by blocking pain receptors, some scary individuals could so OD on peppers that injury is theoretically possible. Especially if they take their peppers rectally. Remember folks, rubbing your butt with xylocaine does not give you license to abuse your sphincter any old way you want! Qadgop, MD Looking out for **your** ass ---
**Author:** ![MusicJunkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@MusicJunkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MusicJunkie)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/28 "2001-04-19T17:18:18Z")
Brilliant, simply brilliant! It’s so hard to find a post written in an unsual way that I could do naught but read and re-read your post Scylla. Keep up with the good work! ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/29 "2001-04-19T17:29:18Z")
I for one, give it a 9. Sure, it could follow conventional rules. Sure it could be a normal rant but it wasn’t it dared and in daring it soared AROOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!! like a phoneix. I’ve reread it several times too. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/30 "2001-04-19T18:04:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Qadgop the Mercotan \*\* > Remember folks, rubbing your butt with xylocaine does not give you license to abuse your sphincter any old way you want! > > Qadgop, MD > Looking out for **your** ass Words to live by if I ever heard any. May I quote/sig. you? ---
**Author:** ![SuaSponte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/67e7ee/32.png) [@SuaSponte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuaSponte)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/31 "2001-04-19T20:12:29Z")
Do **not** try alternative therapies! My college roommate once self-medicated with Solarcaine while suffering from Beer-Drinker’s Ass (a closely related medical condition). In a way it worked – he was so loopy from the concussion he got banging his head on the sink as he passed out from the pain that he forgot about the pain in his rectum. Sua ---
**Author:** ![hashiriya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hashiriya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hashiriya)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2001, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/32 "2001-04-19T22:56:26Z")
My mom used to suggest sitting on an ice cream cone. No, I _don’t_ think it matters what flavor! -hashiriya- ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2001, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/33 "2001-04-20T23:35:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by thinksnow \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*\*Qadgop the Mercotan \*\* > > Remember folks, rubbing your butt with xylocaine does not give you license to abuse your sphincter any old way you want! > > > > Qadgop, MD > > Looking out for **your** ass > > Words to live by if I ever heard any. > May I quote/sig. you? \*\* I would be honored 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2001, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/34 "2001-04-21T02:12:30Z")
Everything turned out all right in the end. I’m eating another bag though as we speak, and drinking beer. Lest you doubt me it is lot JUN19h34a. The motto on the back of the bag? “A feiery hot and spicy chip, not for the timid.” My motto, “Cry havoc, and let slip the ass-wolves!” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2001, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/35 "2001-04-21T02:27:56Z")
As a baker(duh) I decorate cakes. I did a Pikachu cake for my nephew. There was a lot of yellow and blue frosting. I mixed together the leftovers and made graham-cracker sandwiches. Tasty! Ate a lot of them actually. Late that night I stumble down the hall to the little girls room. Do you know what an overdose of blue and yellow frosting DOES to the byproducts of ones digestive system? I will leave it to your imagination, but God, do I hate Pokemon!!! ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2001, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/36 "2001-04-21T03:12:32Z")
I’m sorry, Baker. Perhaps You are looking for the “Pokey-ass” thread. This is the wolf-ass thread. ---
**Author:** ![Sylkyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@Sylkyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylkyn)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2001, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/37 "2001-04-21T03:42:56Z")
This fucking _ **DOES IT!!!** _ I will **never** read this message board at work again! My cow-orkers are now convinced I have lost what little was left of my mind! I am sitting BY MYSELF, scream-laughing at a computer monitor, and everybody is giving each other _those_ kinda looks. I guess my boss has gone for the strait jacket. I saw him peel out of the parking lot about 2 seconds after my first peal of laughter. New rule: Nobody allowed to post hysteria-inducing hilarity while SilkyThreat is at work. No exceptions. Thanks for your co-operation. **GREAT** post, **Scylla**!! It’s well worth my time in the unemployment line! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.White](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Mr.White](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.White)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2001, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/38 "2001-04-26T02:32:14Z")
Scylla, be happy it wasn’t a 3:30 shit…3 seconds to shit, 30 minutes to wipe your ass. And any kind of medicated ointment helps when I’m in that condition…relieves the burning and itching. ---
**Author:** ![False\_God](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ee7513/32.png) [@False\_God](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/False_God)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2001, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/39 "2001-04-26T13:07:37Z")
Yeah, you’d think the chileheads of the world would learn something about the passage of capascin on mucus membranes. Reminds me of the time (I was aroung 9 or so, IIRC) that I’d had my Abuela’s sopa de Albondigas the night before and added extra hot sauce. Thought I’d have to sit on a block of ice like in Bugs Bunny cartoons. Then my small addled brain figured " hey, baking soda’s good for indigestion and heartburn, it’s probably good for wolf-ass". Need I say that baking soda is not exactly a gossamer caress from the Ass Fairy? Ooof. Enchiladas last night and wasabi peas the afternoon before. I think I need the Financial Times and a leather strap for my trip to the can. (The FT because it’s long and distracting, the strap to bite down on.)Feh. I may just go and get a Popsicle from the office freezer. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2001, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233/40 "2001-04-26T13:16:47Z")
Christ. As if I weren’t already convinced we were all bound for hell along comes this. Take me now, dark lord! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-have-serious-wolf-ass/62233.md?page=3)