# I haven't had sex in three years **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 25, 2013, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779 "2013-11-25T21:22:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/141 "2013-11-26T20:14:51Z")
After reading the thread, I’m a little surprised the OP ever had sex, no matter how long ago. Eeyore is too chipper for this guy. Eeyore in a coma is too chipper for this guy. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/142 "2013-11-26T20:25:55Z")
Patients with stage 4 cancer have a more positive outlook than this guy. ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/143 "2013-11-26T20:27:22Z")
You know what happens when you’re unemployed and you stop sending out resumes and calling people? You continue being unemployed forever. Same deal here. I don’t care how much it didn’t work before, it will absolutely NEVER work unless you try. So save the excuses and get up and do something if you want it. It will not come to you any other way. I find everyone’s priorities are obvious by what they do. If they whine and complain about something but don’t actually do anything about it, then that obviously isn’t as big of a priority as they say it is. You can whine until the cows come home, but evidently you think you’re happier doing what you’re doing now rather than getting up off your ass. No shit it’s demotivating when it doesn’t work. The point is it absolutely will NEVER work unless you continue to try. But it’s all about the visible priorities. Do you want some tail, or don’t you? Your actions tell me that you don’t in fact want any because you think it’s too hard. Here’s a hint: just make some new friends. Make enough new friends and one will want to not only bone you but have a relationship with you. Just being friends with someone isn’t some sort of second prize, by the way. Be happy that you’re making new friends, that they like you, and you have things to talk about. Treat sex as the only prize worth having and you’ll get nothing at all. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/144 "2013-11-26T20:28:46Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > **Jesse Pinkman** , welcome to the BSDL (BullShit Doubletalk and Lies) Message Board! > > With all due compassion for your involuntarily celibate condition – Did you come here seeking a suggestions toward a workable solution, or just seeking sympathy? Or both? > > I’m going to guess there that you’ve tried as best you can to get both, from your useless so-called friends or wherever you could. And having failed at that, you’ve found this message board and are trying for advice-and-sympathy here now. > > But instead, scorn and derision and contempt you get. Welcome to society. Or maybe it’s just American society. It’s not just this message board. Wherever you go (I’m guessing I’m not telling you the news here), men who want a love life (which is most men) but who can’t get it, for whatever reason, are treated with scorn, contempt, and derision. This message board (usually) reflects that, and is no exception. > > If you poke around the threads here, you’ll find other similar threads with similar results. Men who complain of their failure with the ladies are just automatically assumed to be jerks or “Nice Guys™” and are met with hostility, torches, and pitchforks. Exceptions to this are vanishingly rare, even among the enlightened community here. > > For a rare exception, a thread where an involuntarily celibate dude got a friendly and sympathetic reception, right here on the BSDL Message Board, check out [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=669915) from about a year ago. One challenge you might think about: See if you can detect what about that OP allowed him to get a more compassionate response than the usual hostile responses that are more the norm here. I may just print out this post and hang it next to my computer. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/145 "2013-11-26T20:29:05Z")
Jesse, You are clearly depressed. I get it. Sometimes life sucks. I’ve Been there, living through it right now. But do something. Set a goal, talk to one person a day that you don’t know. Start getting outside your own head. Don’t worry about getting laid. Just get out there. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/146 "2013-11-26T20:30:04Z")
> [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > Well I’m sorry, but at this point there’s too much failure to prevent giving up. At this point?! You’re 26 years old for Christ’s sake. You haven’t even experienced failure yet. Give it time. We’ve had several sad sack posters on the SDMB and you’re just the latest and not even the most pathetic. If you’ve come here for abuse (which it appears you did) then you’re in the right place. That’s what you’re looking for apparently and we have that in spades. You’re not yet ready for any advice or self-improvement. When you get to that point, come on back. We’ll be here. Except for those of us getting laid on a regular basis. We only post to feel superior. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/147 "2013-11-26T21:24:56Z")
Jesse, you won’t get any tough love from me. Maybe that works for some people, but I don’t like this approach. I know how it feels when it seems like everyone else has their shit figured out, and when you ask them for advice, they give you a hard time and make you feel worse than you were before. Fuck anyone who says “All you gotta do is X, Y, and Z!” Maybe they are right. Maybe it is that simple (for them). But fuck them for being such a douche about it. Anyway, if you think you’ve tried everything, I would maybe take a break from trying for awhile. You’re young, you’re going through stress, and three years really isn’t that long of a dry spell anyway. There’s no rush. Maybe you need to spend more time on working on your personality and developing a sense of purpose. Who are you? What do you like to do? What do you want out of life? Despite what some people will tell ya, you don’t need sex to be a complete person. I don’t think you have to love yourself before someone can love you. But it would probably help for you to like yourself. Engaging in creative endeavors may help you in this arena. Sublimation is a powerful thing. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/148 "2013-11-26T21:33:22Z")
3 years, no sex? Pffft. 20 years out in the cold, with no hope of a nice hot blonde chick on my bed ever. Life is pathetic, full of crap. When you finally land yourself a girl, please write a book about it. Dudes like me will make you a billionaire _overnight_. There are more lonely dudes out there than you think. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/149 "2013-11-26T22:35:55Z")
> [@Jane\_Elliot](#): > > Have you tried heavier women? Less attractive women? Older women? There are tons of single women out there that aren’t looked at twice because they don’t fit the conventional standards of beauty but they will love you like mad because you saw to the real person underneath the shell. Will people please stop implying that heavier women are happy to screw anything that moves and be grateful? Also, you can be heavier and attractive (and not only on the inside, “under the shell”). ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_Elliot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jane_elliot/32/6166_2.png) [@Jane\_Elliot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_Elliot)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/150 "2013-11-26T22:54:37Z")
Will you please stop implying that I said that heavier women are “happy to screw anything that moves and be grateful”? ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/151 "2013-11-26T23:05:31Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > Will people please stop implying that heavier women are happy to screw anything that moves and be grateful? Also, you can be heavier and attractive (and not only on the inside, “under the shell”). At least she didn’t use the term “slump buster”. ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_Elliot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jane_elliot/32/6166_2.png) [@Jane\_Elliot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_Elliot)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2013, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/152 "2013-11-26T23:11:43Z")
I will, right now, apologist to anyone who felt that I was implying anything against overweight women. If my words were hurtful to anyone, I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean them to be. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/153 "2013-11-27T01:13:47Z")
You didn’t read the whole thread, did you, Jane? [See post 76](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=16879717&postcount=76). Thank you for the apology, though. The OP may or may not have unrealistically high standards for a woman’s looks/weight/age, but assuming he’s reasonable about such things, he should not settle for a woman he finds unappealing. I’m sure that woman would rather be single than with a guy who thinks “ugh” every time he looks at her. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/154 "2013-11-27T01:15:28Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > You didn’t read the whole thread, did you, Jane? [See post 76](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=16879717&postcount=76). > > Thank you for the apology, though. > The OP may or may not have unrealistically high standards for a woman’s looks/weight/age, but assuming he’s reasonable about such things, he should not settle for a woman he finds unappealing. I’m sure that woman would rather be single than with a guy who thinks “ugh” every time he looks at her. He does have high standards, he demands they listen to him. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/155 "2013-11-27T01:17:43Z")
> [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > I tried much more than once. I’ve tried to the point that I don’t have anymore desire to do so. Ok, let me try this again. When _you were_ attempting to engage the opposite sex, what was your M.O.? How did you talk to them, what did you talk about, etc? I realize that you don’t have _any_ M.O. **now** , I’m asking you what was the strategy that has failed you in the past? ---
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/156 "2013-11-27T02:23:28Z")
> [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > Yes, I have. Many times. You actually tried learning four jokes as Shodan suggested and have them ready at a moments notice? I find this hard to believe. It isn’t a common suggestion. I’m not saying it is a good one. LISTEN TO US!!! Geeze - you aren’t listening. I agree with you therapy is useless in some cases. It is for many people, but not all therapists use the same method. Did you use one that did CBT? Did you ever try antidepressants? How many? For how long? Any MAOIs? I know things seem hopeless - I’ve been where you are. You have to understand - and be willing to accept the possibility - that on depression - things seem worse than they are - almost always - even if they are really bad. If you step out of your self for a moment and had a friend with your same situation - you might not feel the same way. I know I don’t when I look objectively at my problems. Part if the reason people are giving you shit is we know you are lying. I don’t mean lying in the traditional bad sense, but you are not giving us the accurate truth. Someone as depressed as you are - and you sound more depressed than anyone I have ever read from - (geeze - the people on Suicide Project are more upbeat than you) - CANNOT try many of the things that have been suggested. If you really think people can’t pick up on your depression from a mile away - you are wrong. Videotape (aside:what is the generic expression for this now that no one is using tape) yourself out in public some time. You’d have to be the best actor in the world to do what you are claiming. Can’t be done. Try something different - almost anything - try even starting out with something that is easy. 1. Antidepressants are easy to take - maybe it works - maybe it doesn’t - you need to try. Set an alarm and keep them by your bed with a bottle of water and keep the bottle of water there. It is possible you have a thyroid or other medical condition that actually would be easy to fix. Same with low testosterone. 2. Fuck someone - pay for it. Ever heard of the “Theory of Reflexivity”? - well just do it. 3. Go out in public more and make a goal of just talking to someone once a day where you don’t need to. Doesn’t have to be anything more than asking a store clerk “what is the difference between this cellphone and this one”. 4. Make a goal of walking 30 minutes a day 5. Join one meetup group 6. Try and get to bed at a reasonable time 7. Go to a pet store and pet some animals. 8. Get a SAD light and use it for 15-30 minutes in the morning. I know a lot of these things are overwhelming - but do SOMETHING. Do you make goals and then fail to keep them? Happens to lots of people - it is important to make SOME goals that you succeed at. Can’t seem to do the 30 minute walk? Change it to 15. Can’t do that? Change it to “go outside and walk 100 steps”. Can’t do that? Change it to “put clothes on and go outside”. Can’t do that? Keep changing it down to “roll out of bed an put my feet on the floor”. You absolutely have every right to have little hope. What are your alternatives? You aren’t going to magically start feeling better - no single thing (except maybe #2) is going to make you instantly feel significantly better. You can kill yourself, but my guess is you really don’t want to - or are looking to make one last “try” before you do - or you wouldn’t be here. Recovering from depression is extremely difficult, in fact I’ve sort of given up on that myself. But I haven’t given up on trying to have the best life I can. I’m at a point where I am not miserable. I wouldn’t say I enjoy life, but is get what I can out of it. If you really want to change - pick one thing you are going to do tomorrow - something you normally haven’t - that one of us has suggested. Tell us what it is and show us we haven’t all been wasting our time. There is no way in hell you have tried everything we have suggested. Pick something and do it. It may not work (at least not instantly), but a lot of these are things you probably need to do for other reasons - or have other benefits. You’ve got a choice - tomorrow you can do what you’ve been doing - or you can make a commitment to start and make your life better. What’s it going to be? ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/157 "2013-11-27T02:23:57Z")
Jesse: which online dating sites do you belong to and how many messages do you send out a week? ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/158 "2013-11-27T11:05:54Z")
NM ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Pinkman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@Jesse\_Pinkman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Pinkman)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/159 "2013-11-27T12:07:11Z")
> [@DataX](#): > > You actually tried learning four jokes as Shodan suggested and have them ready at a moments notice? I find this hard to believe. It isn’t a common suggestion. I’m not saying it is a good one. > > LISTEN TO US!!! > > Geeze - you aren’t listening. > > I agree with you therapy is useless in some cases. It is for many people, but not all therapists use the same method. Did you use one that did CBT? > > Did you ever try antidepressants? How many? For how long? Any MAOIs? > > I know things seem hopeless - I’ve been where you are. > > You have to understand - and be willing to accept the possibility - that on depression - things seem worse than they are - almost always - even if they are really bad. If you step out of your self for a moment and had a friend with your same situation - you might not feel the same way. I know I don’t when I look objectively at my problems. > > Part if the reason people are giving you shit is we know you are lying. I don’t mean lying in the traditional bad sense, but you are not giving us the accurate truth. Someone as depressed as you are - and you sound more depressed than anyone I have ever read from - (geeze - the people on Suicide Project are more upbeat than you) - CANNOT try many of the things that have been suggested. > > If you really think people can’t pick up on your depression from a mile away - you are wrong. Videotape (aside:what is the generic expression for this now that no one is using tape) yourself out in public some time. > > You’d have to be the best actor in the world to do what you are claiming. Can’t be done. > > Try something different - almost anything - try even starting out with something that is easy. > > 1. Antidepressants are easy to take - maybe it works - maybe it doesn’t - you need to try. Set an alarm and keep them by your bed with a bottle of water and keep the bottle of water there. It is possible you have a thyroid or other medical condition that actually would be easy to fix. Same with low testosterone. > 2. Fuck someone - pay for it. Ever heard of the “Theory of Reflexivity”? - well just do it. > 3. Go out in public more and make a goal of just talking to someone once a day where you don’t need to. Doesn’t have to be anything more than asking a store clerk “what is the difference between this cellphone and this one”. > 4. Make a goal of walking 30 minutes a day > 5. Join one meetup group > 6. Try and get to bed at a reasonable time > 7. Go to a pet store and pet some animals. > 8. Get a SAD light and use it for 15-30 minutes in the morning. > > I know a lot of these things are overwhelming - but do SOMETHING. > > Do you make goals and then fail to keep them? Happens to lots of people - it is important to make SOME goals that you succeed at. Can’t seem to do the 30 minute walk? > > Change it to 15. Can’t do that? Change it to “go outside and walk 100 steps”. Can’t do that? Change it to “put clothes on and go outside”. Can’t do that? Keep changing it down to “roll out of bed an put my feet on the floor”. > > You absolutely have every right to have little hope. What are your alternatives? You aren’t going to magically start feeling better - no single thing (except maybe #2) is going to make you instantly feel significantly better. You can kill yourself, but my guess is you really don’t want to - or are looking to make one last “try” before you do - or you wouldn’t be here. > > Recovering from depression is extremely difficult, in fact I’ve sort of given up on that myself. But I haven’t given up on trying to have the best life I can. I’m at a point where I am not miserable. I wouldn’t say I enjoy life, but is get what I can out of it. > > If you really want to change - pick one thing you are going to do tomorrow - something you normally haven’t - that one of us has suggested. Tell us what it is and show us we haven’t all been wasting our time. > > There is no way in hell you have tried everything we have suggested. Pick something and do it. It may not work (at least not instantly), but a lot of these are things you probably need to do for other reasons - or have other benefits. > > You’ve got a choice - tomorrow you can do what you’ve been doing - or you can make a commitment to start and make your life better. > > What’s it going to be? I’ve tried both CBT with multiple therapists and many different antidepressants. They don’t work. ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Pinkman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@Jesse\_Pinkman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Pinkman)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2013, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779/160 "2013-11-27T12:08:48Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Jesse: which online dating sites do you belong to and how many messages do you send out a week? I used to belong to OKC, but I deleted my account after getting stood up multiple times in one week. Once that happened, I realized that I should throw in the towel. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-havent-had-sex-in-three-years/674779.md?page=9)