# I hereby announce my candidacy... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 19, 2004, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123 "2004-03-19T01:40:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/1 "2004-03-19T01:40:26Z")
…for the office of President of the United States of America. I will be running as a third-party candidate, under the banner of the United Dopers of America. The honorable **Giraffe** will serve as my Vice-President should I win the office; after all, what better way to earn the female vote than an 18-inch tongue? **MonkeyMule** will be the 66th appointee to the office of Secretary of State, because it’s about time we got some good taglines into U.S. foreign policy. **Bruce\_Daddy** will be appointed to a new Cabinet-level office, the Department of State for the Appeasement of NASCAR Dads. **Libertarian** will head the revamped Internal Revenue Service; the Department will be scaled down under his watch to three guys panhandling for quarters, which should provide just enough money to pay **Aldebaran** and **Reeder** ’s therapy bills when they aren’t appointed Secretary of Misinterpreting The Qu’ran and Secretary of Taxing Bandwidth, respectively. **Beagle** will fill another new Cabinet level office: The Department of State for the Covering of Our Asses Because We Can’t Pay off Our Outstanding Bond Issues. His wealth of experience covering for the current administration has convinced this campaign that he will do an _excellent_ job. **BrainGlutton** and **Fenris** will be jointly in charge of the new Immigration and Naturalization Service; BrainGlutton to attract Nazis, and Fenris to send them home again. **AngelicGemma** will be offered a White House internship post haste. (nudge nudge, wink wink). Now, I invite all of you to make your cases for unfilled Executive Branch offices, and I remind you all: vote **RNATB** in '04 or the terrorists win! ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/2 "2004-03-19T02:23:29Z")
Nobody found this one funny? Not even a little? ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/3 "2004-03-19T02:53:00Z")
I think it sounds good. I’ll vote for you! I’m Canadian. Can I have an interesting job? And get paid lots of money? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/4 "2004-03-19T03:30:00Z")
> [@Lissla Lissar](#): > > I think it sounds good. I’ll vote for you! > I’m Canadian. > Can I have an interesting job? And get paid lots of money? I hereby presumptively appoint you Minister for Hockey. ---
**Author:** ![tigereye001](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@tigereye001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tigereye001)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/5 "2004-03-19T03:56:01Z")
I’m Canadian, too! _waves hand_ I’ll vote for you! ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/6 "2004-03-19T06:33:23Z")
I ain’t voting for you unless I get my graft _now_. I want a guranteed job in your government, buddy. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/7 "2004-03-19T06:42:35Z")
> [@SkipMagic](#): > > I ain’t voting for you unless I get my graft _now_. I want a guranteed job in your government, buddy. White House Press Secretary/Coffee-fetcher? ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/8 "2004-03-19T07:15:49Z")
Coffee-fetcher. Cool. I’ll be your Juan Valdez. Now, let me go find my ass. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/9 "2004-03-19T07:20:35Z")
> [@SkipMagic](#): > > Coffee-fetcher. Cool. I’ll be your Juan Valdez. Now, let me go find my ass. Oh, allow me. Wait, that just sounds _wrong_… Where does the Prime Minister of Canada live? It must be better than 10 Downing Street, but is it White House nice? ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/10 "2004-03-19T13:34:55Z")
Great. I don’t know anything about hockey, so I’ll just make stuff up. Sounds good. Yes, I think our Prime Minister gets a nice house. Actually, I don’t remember what it looks like. So therefore probably not White House nice. But not a shack or an igloo or anything. I think. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/11 "2004-03-19T13:51:22Z")
I want in. I’ll even campaign for you. 🙂 now, lets talk about my new job 😉 ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/12 "2004-03-19T13:52:13Z")
With a campaign like that? You’ve got my vote 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lars\_Aruns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c68b51/32.png) [@Lars\_Aruns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lars_Aruns)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/13 "2004-03-19T14:12:43Z")
I’d like to be the head of the **Department for Choosing Scapegoats And Distracting Citizens From Political Blunders**. Is it still available? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/14 "2004-03-19T14:16:33Z")
Shit, I’ve got to start doing vanity searches. How much do I get paid? ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/15 "2004-03-19T14:23:32Z")
Cool! May I be Secretary of Kicking Butts & Taking Names and International Bannings (aka Defense)? ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/16 "2004-03-19T14:38:30Z")
Finally, a candidate I can malign, uh, I mean align myself with! Do you need an official can opener? I specialize in worms and whoopass. ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/17 "2004-03-19T15:39:27Z")
Would anyone like coffee this morning? I finally used both my hands and found my ass. The coffee is freshly-ground. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/18 "2004-03-19T16:45:57Z")
My current job is in jeopardy, because of an upcoming merger. I appeal to you for a post within your cabinet. I have little to no experience, but that didn’t stop my current employer from throwing a bucket load of money at me and giving me a position of authority. I am quite comfortable being underqualified and overpaid, so I think I’d fit right in. Whatcha got? Willing to relocate, if it means no snow after February. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/19 "2004-03-19T17:13:20Z")
> [@Lissla\_Lissar](#): > > Great. I don’t know anything about hockey, so I’ll just make stuff up. Sounds good. Works for the current Administration, no reason it can’t work for us. 🙂 You’re all hired. **Bruce\_Daddy** , exact details of your compensation package haven’t been worked out yet, but I can _guarantee_ you it includes a lifetime’s supply of corn dogs and all the motor oil you can eat. **misstee** , we feel your talents would be best utilized if you were to be my \ _Personal_ Private Secretary. This position does, of course, entitle you to full first-strike priveleges. [SIZE=1]warning: position may require full-time nudity[/SIZE > [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > Cool! May I be Secretary of Kicking Butts & Taking Names and International Bannings (aka Defense)? Only if you change your name to **Scuba\_Steve**. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2004, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123/20 "2004-03-19T18:48:53Z")
I’ll need Monday off. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-announce-my-candidacy/235123.md?page=2)