# I hereby authorize the SDMB members to issue press statements on my behalf **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 10, 2007, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419 "2007-06-10T01:16:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/1 "2007-06-10T01:16:06Z")
So I was reading up on my hero Paris Hilton’s legal woes on the Intertubes just now, and I noticed she released a statement on Saturday, and I can only assume she had her “people” do so on her behalf, since she is, as we speak, locked up in the LA County pokey. Her statement reads, “While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff’s concern for my health and welfare, I intend to serve my time at L.A. County Jail…I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other places around the world.” Well, I have to say, that comes across much more eloquently than the “Mommy! No!” she issued in the courtroom on Friday. Therefore, I can only assume she has some very eloquent and intelligent people working on her behalf. So that brings me to my current decision: I’ve been a member of this board for going on six years now, and for the most part, you all are some of the most eloquent and intelligent people I’ve come across. Therefore, I don’t see how I could possibly go wrong by allowing you all to issue statements on my behalf. I would imagine collectively, you are much more eloquent and intelligent than any ol’ stooges Paris Hilton has working for her, and if her stooges can make her sound as good as that statement did, I can’t even begin to imagine what great things you all could do for me and my public image. With the SDMB behind me, I know I’m destined for greatness. So let the statements roll forth… ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/2 "2007-06-10T01:20:09Z")
**Happy Lendervedder** admits that he was responsible for the sheep post from **Hal Briston** ’s work computer, but hopes going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other places around the world. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/3 "2007-06-10T01:27:40Z")
[QUOTE=Frank] **Happy Lendervedder** admits that he was responsible for the sheep post from **Hal Briston** ’s work computer, but hopes going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things like the men and women serving our country in Iraq and other places around the world. [/QUOTE] No, wait, **Frank** , that’s not supposed to be-- well, I guess the second part’s okay. Let’s just move on to something that makes me look good and smart and sexy. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/4 "2007-06-10T01:29:09Z")
**Happy Lendervedder** wishes to clarify the previously issued statement due to some confusion and misconceptions arising from inadvertently unclear communication. Specifically, while he was not directly responsible for the **Hal Briston** sheep post, he was aware of the activity in advance and implicitly sanctions the act. Also, he wants to make certain that the phrase “the men and women serving our country” refers explicitly to waiters, waitresses, and other food-industry staff. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/5 "2007-06-10T01:38:16Z")
**HAPPY LENDERVEDDER LIKES CHEESE** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE **Floevenhankenshinstville, June 9th, 2007** – Happy Lendervedder announced today that he likes cheese. “It’s just good stuff,” he was quoted as saying. “Brie, muenster, camembert, stiltson, bleu – I eat 'em all. Plain, on crackers, with olives, in a sandwich – sometimes, I even like to get naked and spread slices of cheese over my body an-- well, you’ll just have to wait for my book.” Happy Lendervedder is the author of “101 Adventures in Croutons,” and is currently working on his next book, which remains untitled. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/6 "2007-06-10T01:47:06Z")
Happy Lendervedder to leave all assets to online acquaintance For immediate release June 9, 2007 - Happy Lendervedder wishes it known that despite the somewhat sudden nature of the announcement, he has decided to leave all of his worldly possessions and assets to fellow message board member “OpalCat”. He admits that while never having met her, he just things she’s damned spiffy and that she deserves it for just being so darned swell. “Heck,” he was quoted as saying, “why the hell not?” ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/7 "2007-06-10T03:06:13Z")
Er. **Happy Lendervedder** , methinks you’re not paying your staff as much as Paris’ parents are paying hers. Just a guess. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/8 "2007-06-10T03:24:39Z")
Happy Lendervedder announces mercy mission to Los Angeles For immediate release June 9, 2007 - In keeping with his character as a smart, sexy guy, Happy Lendervedder announces that his next adventure will be an innovative mercy mission to jailed socialite Paris Hilton. “Paris has always been a hero to me. While doing research for my new book I heard she was in jail and having trouble with the food there. I’m on my way to Los Angeles with 11 pounds of ripe brie, which I plan to smear on my body just prior to entering her cell. Licking this off me will offer Paris both a nutritional and psychological boost during what all her fans understand is a tough time.” Mr. Lendervedder sees this mission as artistically consistent with some of the more daring crouton adventures that were the subject of his first book. “By and large, cheese adventures tend to have more scope and risk. As an artist seeking to reach his potential, I find that appealing.” Permission for this unusual mission was obtained from Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca in an arrangement under which the sheriff retains an undisclosed percentage of the video rights. ---
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/9 "2007-06-10T03:26:57Z")
Famous last words: [QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] With the SDMB behind me, I know I’m destined for greatness. So let the statements roll forth… [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/10 "2007-06-10T06:02:54Z")
**HAPPY LENDERVEDDER MAKES QUESTIONABLE MOVE** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE June 9 2007 - In a poorly thought-out move earlier today, Happy Lendervedder granted the Straight Dope Message Board (SDMB) carte blanche to speak on his behalf. “I don’t see how I could possibly go wrong by allowing you all to issue statements on my behalf,” Mr. Lendervedder said in a message to the SDMB. The SDMB is an online community primarily consisting of intellectuals, academics, and other undesirables. Mr. Lendervedder has been a member of the community since early 2001. The move is an attempt to express solidarity for Paris Hilton, the Californian socialite currently in prison. It is not known at this time whether the SDMB will be using it’s new powers to negotiate allowing Mr. Lendervedder to serve the remainder of Ms. Hilton’s term for her. While he has striven to keep his private life out of the public eye, Mr. Lendervedder has previously indicated a high level of respect and admiration for Ms. Hilton’s accomplishments, physical physique, and remarkably large sunglasses. ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/11 "2007-06-10T07:05:32Z")
HAPPY LENDERVEDDER MAKES QUESTIONABLE MOVIE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE June 10, 2007 - In a remarkably desperate attempt to revitalize his career, Happy Lendervedder has inked a three picture deal with Cinéma de Fromage, the up and coming studio known for its decadent efforts at defining a new genre affectionately known as “Cheese Porn”. After battling a recent bought of aimless depression brought on by selflessly liquidating all assets and transferring them to a complete intertubes stranger, Mr. Lendervedder visited his mentor and soul mate, Paris Hilton, is a self-styled cheese-laden pilgrimage. “From her very first words, my path became clear.” Happy gushed, “It is rare that one gets to _commune_ with an actual living deity.” When asked what those words were, Happy serenely smiled and intoned that they were not important. Sources close to the LA county sheriff’s office reported the words as, “Who the hell are you?” Clearly Lendervedder’s movie deal will revitalize the fledgling kink studio. But the question on everyone mind in Hollywood is, “Happy, what kind is your favorite?” “I like Swiss the best”, smirked the newly solvent Happy and he doesn’t mean baby Swiss. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/12 "2007-06-10T07:22:16Z")
HAPPY LENDERVEDDER MAKES QUESTIONABLE MOVE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE In a move sure to infuriate the dozens-strong Cheese Haters of America, Happy Lendervedder, acting through his motion-picture arm, Cinéma de Fromage, has announced plans to make cheese mandatory in America. Mr Lendervedder gained control of the movie studio early this morning after a brilliant corporate manoeuvre recalling the famous Nanosecond Buyout of 2005. Cinéma de Fromage, until today an up-and-coming studio known for its efforts at defining “Cheese Porn”, now steps into a new role as propaganda arm of the newly-renamed and expanded Lendervedder Group. Mr Lendervedder meets with President Bush and Surgeon-General Moritsugu this morning. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/13 "2007-06-10T11:02:43Z")
**Happy Lendervedder** regrets his involvement with the set of Aluminum Underpants, and, although the Aluminum Underpants have been **Happy Lendervedder** ’s friend for many years, they wanted a type of relationship that **Happy** simply could not provide. **Happy Lendervedder** wishes the Aluminum Underpants the very best, & hopes they reach the point where they are less confused in their affections. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/14 "2007-06-10T19:04:11Z")
Okay, I think I see where you guys are taking this, and I have to admit…not bad! Not a misspelled word in the lot. Maybe a bit about me would make your jobs easier: -I have devestatingly gorgeous blue eyes -I love puppies -I love the United States of America -Sick kids make me very sad-- and not just the sniffles, I’m talking biggies like Lupus and Alzheimers -I can swim under water with my eyes open -AIDS is bad -I believe in peace in the Middle East -I believe both Paris Hilton and the President of the United States have thankless jobs -I believe smoking is bad for you -I believe there should be more cute puppies and kittens in the world, so we need to put an end to senseless spaying and neutering, and start respecting the reproductive rights of our four-legged brothers and sisters -I look really good in a tux And I recently farted at a staff meeting by accident; maybe we could work on spinning this to my benefit. I don’t really care if we have to take someone else down. My co-worker Mark Davis would be a pretty good target. But I’m done micromanaging. You guys are the experts, I’ll let you do your jobs without any more influence. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/15 "2007-06-10T19:42:24Z")
**GAS LEAK AT LENDERVEDDER GROUP** **Half a dozen evacuated as source investigated** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE **June 10th, 2007** – A suspected gas leak at the controversial cheese porn turned propaganda machine, The Lendervedder Group, has led to the evacuation of six staff members, including CEO Happy Lendervedder himself, who detected a strong odor emanating from beneath the desk of chief ombudsman Mark Davis. Mr. Lendervedder described the smell as being “a little like rotten eggs mixed with Limburger and napalm and then fried in post-TexMex diarrhea to a golden brown.” Although the investigation failed to reveal a fault in the gas lines – and in fact failed to reveal any gas lines at all – Mr. Lendervedder maintains the location of the odor’s source, and has cast a suspicious finger at his chief ombudsman’s involvement. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/16 "2007-06-10T19:46:01Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] **GAS LEAK AT LENDERVEDDER GROUP** **Half a dozen evacuated as source investigated** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE **June 10th, 2007** – A suspected gas leak at the controversial cheese porn turned propaganda machine, The Lendervedder Group, has led to the evacuation of six staff members, including CEO Happy Lendervedder himself, who detected a strong odor emanating from beneath the desk of chief ombudsman Mark Davis. Mr. Lendervedder described the smell as being “a little like rotten eggs mixed with Limburger and napalm and then fried in post-TexMex diarrhea to a golden brown.” Although the investigation failed to reveal a fault in the gas lines – and in fact failed to reveal any gas lines at all – Mr. Lendervedder maintains the location of the odor’s source, and has cast a suspicious finger at his chief ombudsman’s involvement. [/QUOTE] Sweet. Suck it Davis! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/17 "2007-06-10T20:21:13Z")
**Lendervedder Group Funds New Medical Facility** For Immediate Release Happy Lendervedder, owner and CEO of the controversial Lendervedder Group, announced plans today to open a free medical facility designed for the housing and treatment of underprivileged children afflicted with Alzheimers. “Not many Americans are aware that there is currently not a single facility devoted to this noble purpose anywhere in the United States.” Lendervedder told reporters this morning, as he presided over the ceremonial groundbreaking of the intended site, looking “real good” in his formal tux, sorrow over this tragical situation apparent in his devestatingly gorgeous blue eyes. In addition to traditional medical treatment, the young patients housed in the Happy Lendervedder Memorial Juvenile Alzheimers Treatment Facility will each be provided with a breeding pair of puppies or kittens. This cutting-edge psychological therapy was developed by Lendervedder himself and is intended to prevent depression among the overlooked victims of this spreading epidemic. Smoking will be prohibited in the facility and the surrounding grounds. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/18 "2007-06-10T20:30:38Z")
HAPPY LENDERVEDDER cast as the next James Bond (Straight Dope Press International) Schuylkillhaven, PA. June 9,2007. Local actor, raconteur and distributor of soft drinks and fine imported beers HAPPY LENDERVEDDER has been named as the newest 007. Cheesey Broccoli, great granddaughter of Albert “Cubby” Broccoli and heir to a fondue empire, is the Executive Producer of the next epic. " In Happy we have found a seamless blend of insousance, savoir faire and fleur de lix mixed with a tangy salty somewhat musky aftertaste. We see this man as the future of the James Bond dynasty. Not only will he be featured on cereal boxes, action figures and apparel but we are deep in negotiations with Adam’s Pleasure Chestal Areas, a worldwide leader in adult entertainment and novelty items. There may be a line of HAPPY LENDERVEDDER spy devices geared towards this market. And besides, that man’s butt looks spectacular in a tux and tails !! " When interviewed behind the wheel of a propane-propelled forklift laden with cases of Yuengling lager, HAPPY LENDERVEDDER expressed immense pleasure at this turn of events, commenting " Listen pal, you either get steel-toed shoes and a hard-hat on that empty skull of yours or you’re going to have to get the hell off my loading dock !" ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/19 "2007-06-10T23:08:57Z")
HAPPY LENDERVEDDER STRIKES AGAIN! FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Mr. Happy Lendervedder, the world-renowned cheese magnate, has stopped beating his wife. He was asked a year ago if he stopped doing it a year ago, followed briefly by stifled chuckles in a board meeting. “It makes me feel like a big man”, he was quoted as saying. He beat his wife for a few years before that, feeling that his manhood was …“hanging in the balance”. Mr. Lendevedder has turned over a new leaf, now realizing that he had made a mistake and wanted to “…stop slapping the shit out his wife for burning the (his favorite meal) beans.” Those present at the press conference stared slack-jawed at the release of the revelation, calling Mr. Lendevedder a “dick”. One even went so far as to threaten to “…shove his balls where the sun don’t shine”. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419/20 "2007-06-11T00:37:05Z")
**Happy Lendervedder** hires new publicist agency. **Happy Lendervedder** announces that his publicists, the members of the SDMB, have been sacked. “They were supposed to make me look good and smart and sexy,” Lendervedder stated, “instead they have made me appear to be a beer, cheese, porn, Paris Hilton, and fart obsessed buffoon.” His new publicists are to be the moderators of the SDMB, who can be trusted “not to make shit up out of thin air. I think,” Lendervedder stated darkly. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-authorize-the-sdmb-members-to-issue-press-statements-on-my-behalf/407419.md?page=2)