# I hereby confess to money laundering. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2018, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233 "2018-08-25T00:59:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/1 "2018-08-25T00:59:04Z")
$39.41 in cash, plus assorted credit and debit cards (hopefully they still work), but at least my wallet is clean now. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/2 "2018-08-25T01:05:31Z")
Its federal pound me in the ass prison for you. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/3 "2018-08-25T02:46:49Z")
“He’s clean!” ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/4 "2018-08-25T02:56:32Z")
I just spent hours going through anti money laundering training yet again, even though I don’t deal with customers or process deposits or withdrawals. Ugh! I’d suggest using some bleach next time! ---
**Author:** ![Dobbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Dobbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dobbs)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/5 "2018-08-25T03:03:05Z")
Do you work at the [St. Francis](https://www.mystatesman.com/travel/san-francisco-hotel-runs-clean-money-laundering-operation/UuFgB2HecbOM9k6BM1fsfL/)? ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/6 "2018-08-25T14:48:44Z")
The International Wallet Organization recommends you change the prophylactic in your Lord Buxton at this time. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/7 "2018-08-25T16:57:47Z")
[Monty Python had a take on this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkAfl2RmAZc) ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/8 "2018-08-25T19:25:47Z")
If you leave money in your pockets and I am doing laundry, you, hereby relinquish your rights to said cash. It is now my cash. Thanks for tipping your maid/servant. Have a nice day.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Mapp](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miss_mapp/32/369_2.png) [@Miss\_Mapp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Mapp)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2018, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/9 "2018-08-25T19:38:08Z")
I’ve laundered credit cards more than once. Yours should be okay as long as they didn’t go through the dryer. ---
**Author:** ![KMS94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ad7895/32.png) [@KMS94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KMS94)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2018, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/10 "2018-08-26T12:43:00Z")
My mother-in-law has two very clean iPhones that no longer function, due to trips through her washing machine… ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2018, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/11 "2018-08-26T17:38:59Z")
I accidentally washed and dried my debit card not long ago. It still worked. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2018, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/12 "2018-08-26T17:57:58Z")
Reminds me of that weird O Henry story where the money was depressed because it thought it was “filthy money” because it had been used by criminals.😕 ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2018, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/13 "2018-08-27T05:15:32Z")
Speaking of laundry- That pen they check U.S. bills with is just an iodine pen. The mischievous side of me wants to spray starch a bunch of $20 bills and pass them off to others somehow. Then, when they buy something and the cashier checks the starched bill and the mark goes black, hilarity ensues! Ah, good times for all. Yeah, I know all the cashier has to do is check the watermark and the color-shifting ink and the security strip, but the idea of this still amuses me. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2018, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/14 "2018-08-27T13:03:25Z")
So if you get a paper cut from the bill while you’re checking it, you just dab the cut with the pen? Convenient! ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2018, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/15 "2018-08-27T14:58:47Z")
For future reference, [the US Mint has a program through which they will replace mutilated currency](https://bep.gov/submitaclaim.html) - provided they can determine with acceptable confidence, through their own examination, the value of said currency. I watched a CBS Sunday Morning segment about this service a few weeks ago. In one case, a guy left several hundred dollars in rent money unattended on his bed, and came back to discover it was missing, save a few scraps. He soon concluded that _his dog ate the rent money._ :eek::eek: After his dog shat it all out a day or two later, he collected it, sent it in, and received replacement currency, no charge. IOW, yes, some poor US Mint employee picked through the dogshit-encrusted remains of a few hundred bucks’ worth of cash. Apparently cases like this abound. People bundle money and bury it in the yard or some other place where it gets wet and moldy, or it gets charred in a house fire. As long as it’s not been destroyed utterly beyond recognition, chances are you can get it replaced. ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@MonkeyCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyCat)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2018, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/16 "2018-08-27T18:44:06Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > For future reference, [the US Mint has a program through which they will replace mutilated currency](https://bep.gov/submitaclaim.html) - provided they can determine with acceptable confidence, through their own examination, the value of said currency. I watched a CBS Sunday Morning segment about this service a few weeks ago. In one case, a guy left several hundred dollars in rent money unattended on his bed, and came back to discover it was missing, save a few scraps. He soon concluded that _his dog ate the rent money._ :eek::eek: After his dog shat it all out a day or two later, he collected it, sent it in, and received replacement currency, no charge. IOW, yes, some poor US Mint employee picked through the dogshit-encrusted remains of a few hundred bucks’ worth of cash. Apparently cases like this abound. People bundle money and bury it in the yard or some other place where it gets wet and moldy, or it gets charred in a house fire. As long as it’s not been destroyed utterly beyond recognition, chances are you can get it replaced. This post was a ride. And, I learned something I didn’t know that might prove useful in the future. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2018, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/17 "2018-08-27T18:44:25Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > For future reference, [the US Mint has a program through which they will replace mutilated currency](https://bep.gov/submitaclaim.html) - provided they can determine with acceptable confidence, through their own examination, the value of said currency. I watched a CBS Sunday Morning segment about this service a few weeks ago. In one case, a guy left several hundred dollars in rent money unattended on his bed, and came back to discover it was missing, save a few scraps. He soon concluded that _his dog ate the rent money._ :eek::eek: After his dog shat it all out a day or two later, he collected it, sent it in, and received replacement currency, no charge. IOW, yes, some poor US Mint employee picked through the dogshit-encrusted remains of a few hundred bucks’ worth of cash. Apparently cases like this abound. People bundle money and bury it in the yard or some other place where it gets wet and moldy, or it gets charred in a house fire. As long as it’s not been destroyed utterly beyond recognition, chances are you can get it replaced. Apparently as long as they can assemble at least 51% of the bill they’ll replace it. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2018, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/18 "2018-08-27T19:44:42Z")
> [@furryman](#): > > Reminds me of that weird O Henry story where the money was depressed because it thought it was “filthy money” because it had been used by criminals.😕 "the tales of a tainted tenner " it was a story about a 10 dollar bills trip through the slums ……… You can dry credit and atm cards also …ive done so many times ---
**Author:** ![mandala](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mandala/32/95_2.png) [@mandala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mandala)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2018, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/19 "2018-08-30T01:21:22Z")
The money laundering cycle is not complete without the money ironing cycle. ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2018, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233/20 "2018-08-30T04:19:41Z")
My sister once ran a USB thumb drive through the washing machine, and it still worked. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-hereby-confess-to-money-laundering/820233.md?page=2)